Tag Archives: Honor

When You Say ‘It’s Not My Fault,’ it Becomes Your Fault

your fault finger point

(Image/TechCrunch)

Imagine for a moment that two people plan and carry out an armed bank robbery.

Just like you’ve seen in the movies. Wearing masks and carrying guns, they barge into a bank, force customers to the floor, demand the tellers hand over money from the registers, and coax the manager at gunpoint into giving them access to the vault.

It’s stressful and scary for both the gunmen and the people fearing for their lives. The robbers are screaming for the bank employees to hurry up and fill their bags with cash. Everyone else is laying still on the floor praying they don’t die.

One customer has a concealed carry license and is armed with a loaded weapon, or maybe he or she is an off-duty police officer. It’s your imagination. Do what you want.

The hero draws the weapon in an attempt to save the day.

A gunfight ensues. Bullets. Blood. More screams.

When it’s all over, nine people are dead, including one of the gunmen. More are in critical condition at the hospital. The second gunman is taken into custody where he is interrogated by police.

The bank robber makes a credible and compelling case to investigators that his partner planned the entire robbery, and fired all of the shots that killed innocent people. Video footage from inside the bank and evidence recovered from the dead gunman’s house corroborates his story.

“I swear! No one was supposed to get hurt!” the bank robber says.

Because he cooperates with police and is willing to testify in court, and because he never fires any bullets or actually kills anyone, the judge and prosecuting attorney agree to an 18- to 24-month prison sentence, down from the standard five-year mandatory sentence for armed robbery.

Eight innocent people are dead simply because they were making bank deposits, or refinancing loans, or because they showed up for work. The victims’ families, the public and the media are outraged, and demand explanations from the judge and district attorney.

And both essentially say: “Welllllllll. We looked at all the evidence, and the entire thing was a lot more the other guy’s fault than this guy’s. The surviving bank robber didn’t even kill anyone! He didn’t mean to hurt anybody. So we’re not going to hold him responsible since it’s clearly WAY more the other one’s fault.”

Sounds Absurd, Right? 

Of course it does.

It doesn’t matter how much more to blame the other gunman is for the robbery or all the deaths. The surviving bank robber is going down hard, and responsibility for the deaths of those people will be appropriately laid at his feet. He will serve life in prison, even though his portion of the It’s-My-Fault Pie Chart is only 20% or whatever.

Yep! You’re Responsible. 

Next to all of the people who missed the point entirely, the second-most annoying response to the inexplicably popular She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink post was all of the men who thought all of the women who agreed with the post were a bunch of unfair man-haters, and attempted to prove it by sharing a link to another popular internet post called I Wasn’t Treating My Husband Fairly and it Wasn’t Fair.

Some people dropped the link without commentary, as if to say: “This post about dishes and my irrational wife’s feelings are bullshit. She’s guilty of treating me unfairly and being a nagging shrew, and here’s the proof. BAM. How do you like that, morons!?” 

Let me say this: The “I Wasn’t Treating My Husband Fairly…” post is great. I even included it in a post titled Marriage: A Global Epic Fail more than a year ago.

It appears to be the work of a wife practicing humility and introspection in an effort to grow, treat her spouse with more love and selflessness, and contribute positively to the success of her marriage. It’s awesome.

But it’s not some magical Get of Jail Free card for husbands who don’t understand that they’re hurting their wives or care enough to figure out how and why, any more than my loved AND criticized An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands series is some kind of free pass for wives who fail to honor their marriage vows.

In good times, and in bad.

So many people responded to that “dishes” post, not with introspective humility, but with finger-pointing outrage.

“You’re giving all the wives a pass, you feminist pussy! Be a man! So our wives get to just freak out about whatever they want, and if we don’t cater to their every whim, we’re shitty husbands!? You’re an asshole!”

To which I respond: Let’s pretend for just a moment that we can prove, beyond all doubt, that in a given marriage, the wife is 75% to blame for any relationship problems that exist. Do the people who feel that way also believe that the spouse with only 25% of the blame is somehow not responsible for that share?

If a man is a minority shareholder in the downfall of his marriage, is he NOT obligated to work to be the best-possible husband he can be in an effort to serve the union, or fight for and protect his family?

Maybe I’m wrong. I am sometimes. But it seems like many people believe that. That because their marriage problems are not entirely their fault, they needn’t concern themselves with being part of the solution.

Own your shit, please.

I don’t blame men more than women, philosophically.

I just know up close and personal what it looks like when the average guy fails his average marriage. It’s a whole bunch of stuff, that looked upon as one little incident, like leaving a dish by the sink, seems outrageously insane and unfair to blame for the demise of a marriage.

But I know it’s not one thing, and I still can’t believe so many people took the dish metaphor so literally. It’s a symptom of a larger problem. One where people so often want to point fingers and blame others for their problems in life, instead of looking in the mirror and asking: “What more can I do? What more can I give?” 

So. Guys. I don’t give a shit how petty and irrational you think your wives are. I don’t give a shit how much more responsible you think your wife or girlfriend is for the negative state of your relationship. And I don’t give a shit how much blame my ex-wife deserves for my failed marriage.

A booming voice from the heavens could thunder “HEY MATT! IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS, YOU ARE ONLY 49% RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR DIVORCE! SO, IT’S COOL NOW! YOU CAN JUST BLAME YOUR EX FOR EVERYTHING AND KEEP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING. NO GROWTH AND CHANGE IS REQUIRED!”… and I’d still have to ask you the question: Why don’t you want to be the best person, husband and father you can possibly be? Why don’t you WANT to grow and be better tomorrow than you were yesterday? What good can possibly come from all the ‘It’s not my fault!’ screaming? 

A life without feelings of guilt?

Because if everyone believes your story, does that really make it true?

When it’s just you and the silence, and nothing but your mind and heart, you KNOW what’s real and what’s not. You KNOW what’s right and what’s wrong. You KNOW what really happened.  

In a world full of blamers, take responsibility.

In a world full of hate, choose love.

In a world full of darkness, be the light.

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The Unknown Soldiers

A soldier from the U.S. Army's Old Guard honor guard walks at the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington

(Image courtesy of the Jawa Report.)

And the soldier marched.

Twenty one steps. Always. At the end of the mat, he turns toward the tomb and counts: One, two, three…

After 21 seconds, he turns and walks the mat again. Twenty one more steps. Always 21.

He neither smiles nor frowns. He marches with purpose.

He’s the Sentinel.

It is his solemn duty to guard the tomb. The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Tombs that contain remains of unidentified U.S. soldiers from World Wars I and II, and the Korean War. The Arlington, Va.-based monument is intended to honor all unidentified men and women who died serving their country.

Had they met in life, the soldiers guarding this tomb may not have even liked or respected the fallen soldiers they now honor with such reverence.

Doesn’t matter. There are no judgments. No questions like, “why are we doing this?” or “why do these soldiers matter more than others?”

Those questions aren’t relevant. Not to the Sentinel.

And so they walk. Twenty one steps. Twenty one steps, exactly. And then they face the tomb for 21 seconds, not 20 or 22.

Purpose. Precision.

The scene is somber. Respectful. Ceremonial. I’ve seen it twice, deeply moved both times.

The discipline is unlike anything I’ve seen.

The Tomb is guarded 24 hours a day, every day, no matter what, and has been, every second since July 1, 1937.

For 78 years, soldiers apply to be part of the elite team. A group who sacrifices so much so they can walk the mat. Guard the tomb. Preserve honor and tradition. I use the word “he” to describe the soldier because the vast majority of Tomb Guards have been male, but at least three have been female.

Why do they do this?

Near as I can tell, they do it because they said they would. They do it because they can.

They walk the mat during severe storms.

They walk the mat with hundreds of onlookers.

They walk the mat in the dark of night with none.

What’s Our Problem, Then?

It’s worth asking.

If these men and women can perform this ritual. One of such discipline and precision and honor for people they don’t even know. Why can’t we exhibit an appropriate amount of discipline and respect for those we love and care for most?

What separates those soldiers from you and me?

They will sacrifice their entire way of life to be part of a chosen few. The Tomb Guard.

But you won’t take a deep breath and shut up for five minutes to REALLY pay attention to and care about something your partner needs from you?

Working out is too hard? Being kind is too hard? Doing the best job you can on this project or that chore is too hard?

For the people you love?

For the people who pay you?

For the people who count on you?

What’s our problem?

Sept. 11, 2001, 9:37 a.m. EST

And the soldier marched.

Perhaps with many tourists present. Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington, Va. is a popular tourist attraction among visitors to Washington D.C.

Sept. 11, 2001 was a gorgeous Tuesday morning. Clear skies throughout most of the continental United States.

I bet there were people there.

At 9:37 a.m., a jet airliner brushed the treetops perched atop the hills of Arlington National Cemetery. It must have scared everyone. Seconds later, that jet slammed into the Pentagon building. The symbol of American military might and the headquarters for the nation’s Department of Defense. 184 innocent people died in a fiery explosion.

It wasn’t until my last visit to the Tomb of the Unknowns and realizing where the Pentagon was in relation for this to dawn on me. The jet screamed overhead without warning. And then exploded into the side of the Pentagon.

There, a fire raged for hours. Onlookers must have screamed. The nation and many parts of the world were horrified.

What might happen next?

But, amidst the chaos, the solider marched. Exactly 21 steps. Then, again.

Shame is a bad thing. We shouldn’t be shaming people.

But if it’s an effective motivator to change for the better, maybe it’s worth it.

I couldn’t love and respect my wife even when it was hard?

I can’t give my beautiful son my undivided attention any time he wants it?

I can’t work out every single day?

I can’t give more of my time and money to people who need it?

What’s my problem?

No matter what’s happening around them, the Sentinels walk.

Twenty one steps. Always 21. No mistakes.

For a mission many of us can’t fully appreciate or understand.

They walk no matter what. No matter what. Because they made a vow to do so.

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. 

–Mother Teresa

And the soldier marched.

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