Tag Archives: Godzilla

Stop Pretending Superman Might Lose a Fair Fight

Yeah. You're beating that guy in a fight. Sure.

Yeah. You’re beating that guy in a fight. Sure.

Antivan asks:

“If Superman and Godzilla got into a fight, who do you think would win?”

 …

Superman. Want to know why? Because he’s Superman. I need everyone to stop pretending Superman is going to lose any fights here on Earth.

I’m not a huge comic book fan. And if any huge comic book fan reads this, I’m positive he or she can school me on some little-known nerd fact that could conceivably see Superman lose a fight, but I’m going to think it’s bullshit no matter what.

Why?

Because Superman is invincible. Impervious to bullets and fire and shit. Ridiculously strong. He can fly faster than a speeding bullet! That’s fast! He can lift entire land masses and fly them into outer space! That’s strong! That means if Superman wants to fly into Godzilla’s mouth and fly around faster than a speeding bullet inside his guts, totally ruining his mega-lizard shit, he’s going to. He might even fire a few lasers from his eyes into Godzilla’s appendix for good measure.

Right now, everyone in Japan who remembers 1954 is like: “Where the hell were you with this ingenuity 60 years ago, Matt?”

Sorry. I was, like, negative-25 then.

Unless Godzilla has a spleen made of Kryptonite, I don’t think this is much of a debate.

Superman is kicking his ass. It’s not even close.

Speaking of which. The ONLY way Superman loses a fight, ever, is if his opponent has a bunch of Kryptonite on hand. Know what happens then? Superman becomes totally impotent. Curls up in the fetal position. I could kick Superman’s ass if I was wearing Kryptonite armor.

Kryptonite is total crap in the context of evaluating Superman’s toughness. Either you have some, and he’s worthless, or you don’t, and you have a ZERO-percent chance of defeating him.

I’m kind of pissed we have a new Batman vs. Superman film coming out next year for this very reason, despite a bit of nerd love for most things Batman-related.

1. Don’t make our two most-iconic superheroes fight, dicks.

2. Batman is my favorite superhero. BUT. He’s totally getting his ass kicked by Superman in a fair fight for all the reasons previously mentioned. The writers will inevitably write some nonsense that allows a regular person with martial arts training, a rad suit, a lot of money and really cool gadgets to fight competitively with the most powerful being on Earth.

I’m not going to like it.

Superman looks sort of lame in his tights and cape (not counting the sweet image I used up top). He’s not likely to win any Tough-Looking Guy contests. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t the toughest.

Superhero brawl? Last hero standing? No Kryptonite?

Everyone not nicknamed the Man of Steel is getting worked.

They just are.

Have a question you want me to answer? Probably not! But maybe you’ll ask one anyway just to be nice! Ask me stuff here, please!

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