Tag Archives: Battle of the sexes

I Guess I’m a Little Bit Sexist

Man vs. Woman

(Image/blog.asiantown.net)

A lot of people read my post about “dishes” (that wasn’t really about dishes) and came away believing I’m sexist, or that the post was.

At first I was annoyed. Because I took the accusations to mean: “You’re an asshole! You think women are better than men!” Or. “You’re an asshole! You think men are better than women!” 

I secretly feel proud of the fact members of BOTH genders leveled sexism charges against me for opposite reasons. That probably means I nailed it.

But then I kept thinking about it. Am I sexist?

And I settled on: Yes. I’m a little bit sexist, but not for all the reasons a bunch of strangers who didn’t understand what they read, nor had context from reading anything else I’ve written, said.

Here are the top two definitions for the word “sexism.” One of them applies to me, and one does not:

  1. prejudice or discrimination based on sex; especially : discrimination against women
  2. behavior, conditions, or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex

Accusations of sexism in the context of discriminating against women OR men are baseless and ignorant. There is precisely zero evidence in my writing or behavior that suggests I believe one gender is BETTER than another. Nonsense.

However, do I harbor opinions and attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex?

Yep. Totally. And I guess that makes me a little bit sexist.

Libras are Wishy-Washy and Unable to Commit 

I don’t believe in astrology in any sort of predictive way. I don’t believe I should let horoscopes dictate my choices. But I DO believe that astrological personality profiles have merit. I don’t know what more I can do in life than observe what happens around me and accept as true things that seem so, and dismiss things that seem untrue.

And my honest, objective evaluation of astrological personality profiles is that they are GENERALLY true. Maybe not always. I have no way of knowing. But my guess is that many people born between September 22 and October 23 demonstrate commitment issues in some form or fashion.

Women do not ALWAYS obsess over weddings and love spa days and go to the bathroom in groups and pay attention to the latest fashion trends and like romantic comedies and receiving flowers from significant others.

But, do most? I think so.

Men do not ALWAYS love sports and demonstrate competitiveness and love to “bro out” with their buddies drinking beer or playing golf or playing cards or watching James Bond movies.

But, do most? I think so.

There’s a reason all the “It’s a Boy!” stuff is blue, and all the “It’s a Girl!” stuff is pink. There’s a reason marketing agencies market the Fifty Shades of Grey book series and laundry detergent to women, while marketing fantasy football advertisements and lawn equipment to men.

And it’s not because everyone is sexist, nor because men never do laundry, nor because women don’t sometimes play and enjoy fantasy football.

It’s because Things Men Like and Do, and Things Women Like and Do, are two lists that more often than not, look differently, and all the political correctness and baseless accusations in the world won’t make that any less true.

Understand and Celebrate the Differences

Men are not better than women. Women are not better than men. But men and women are MOSTLY different, and the more understanding and accepting we are of these differences (and acknowledging that they exist), the more quickly we can arrive to a future where there ISN’T much gender discrimination in mainstream society, and where boyfriends and girlfriends, and husbands and wives can begin to better understand why we do and feel many of the things we do that damage our relationships.

I think when we first accept that men and women are often wired differently, and then take time to learn how those common traits adversely affect marriages and opposite-sex relationships, we gain a MAJOR advantage in overcoming common marriage problems.

Read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus and tell me it isn’t true.

Or my personal favorite: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

Read Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti and tell me men and women don’t typically have observable and verifiable biological differences created by thousands of years of evolutionary science.

Back when we all lived in tribes and villages, men developed all of these traits in order to help them hunt and fight and mate successfully so the human race would survive. Women developed these traits in order to help them in supporting the village, raising children, caring for the sick, and gathering food and water so that the human race would survive.

Our minds and bodies still have reflexive and chemically driven responses to threats and fights and fears and emergencies and other life incidents. And because it’s 2016, and lions and bears don’t often attack us, and men aren’t out hunting for daily meals and battling other tribes, and women aren’t raising children in a village-like setting and having all that support and sense of community, these totally normal chemical and emotional responses to life events that helped us stay alive thousands of years ago now sometimes manifest as a wife getting upset about a dish by the sink, and a husband unable to understand why.

Then, when they try to talk to one another about it, using language they both speak, even though they are both educated and competent people, husbands and wives are totally befuddled by whatever their partners are saying, and often walk away angry and confused.

I don’t talk about these things in He/She and Husband/Wife terms to exclude people who experience these same fights in a gender-reversal way, or who are in same-sex relationships.

I don’t talk about these things in a generic Men Do This, and Women Do That way in order to alienate either gender or suggest one is better than another.

I talk about these things because THIS IS WHAT MADE ME UNDERSTAND WHY MY WIFE AND I TOTALLY FELL APART AND ENDED UP DIVORCED.

I think divorce is horrible. I want there to be less divorce in the world.

And I think as more people believe these things I’ve come to believe, fewer relationships and marriages will end in broken, sobbing, painful misery. I believe it with my entire heart and soul.

And since I want your relationships to be great, and your kids to grow up with both parents at home; and as I despise divorce and all it represents and am committed to reducing its frequency, I’m willing to piss off a few people along the way.

This is a secret most people don’t know. That a man and woman can sometimes talk about something, feel radically different things during the talk, never really be talking about the same thing, and that both can be “right.” And I believe when enough of us figure it out, the entire world changes.

Different is not the same as worse. Different is not the same as better. Different is just different.

And I’m going to keep saying it because it’s true and it’s important.

No matter how sexist you think it might be.

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How to Be a Man, Vol. 2

keep-calm-and-make-me-a-sandwich-52

It was about 5 a.m. this morning when I discovered a subgroup of people I seriously didn’t know existed.

The manosphere.

It was a comment from a reader on my An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 4 post.

I think he was trying to be helpful.

“Man, you have to go and reinvent yourself… I am in the same situation. It gets better, if you do the work,” he said.

He dropped in a link and a suggestion: “Start here.”

So, I did. In the wee hours of the morning—knowing I’d pay for neglecting sleep later tonight, I dove headfirst into the rabbit hole.

I was introduced to psychological concepts like “hypergamy,” which is the theory that women instinctively want to discard their current partners when an opportunity arises to latch onto someone better.

Is that what my wife did?

I read all about the sex strategy of women, according to these guys—Alpha fucks, and Beta bucks. This is the theory that all women crave the comfort and stability of whipped men brainwashed by the rising tide of feminism into a “fem-centric,” safe, Beta-providing lifestyle. But they want to be fucked, on the side, like porn stars by large men with huge dicks and werewolf blood.

I am part of this emasculated, effeminate world, they’ll tell you. Plugged in to the feminist system. In metaphorical chains. Destined for a life of being taken advantage of, and abused by women.

Essentially, they will tell you: I am ignorant. I am a weak idealist. I am a fool.

The author of The Rational Male is clearly very intelligent. Educated. Well-read. A strong writer.

But is he wise?

I’m not sure yet. I must read more from him to get the entire scope of his philosophy. And I will.

But just between you and me? I value wisdom more than intelligence.

Men vs. Women

I have read way too little of this manosphere philosophy to offer any sort of major criticism or thoughtful rebuttal.

The following represents my uneducated gut reaction.

At first glance, it appears men who subscribe to this lifestyle measure life success on three things:

1. How many women they have sex with.

2. Never being tied down to a monogamous relationship doomed to fail because modern marriage is a societal construct that goes against the very nature of men and women’s genetic programming.

3. Having power and dominance over women.

If I had a candid conversation with any of these guys or even if they just read my quasi-tongue-in-cheek whining about never having sex, they’d all tell you it’s because I’m a big pussy. Wussified by my mother, and liberal, feminist brainwashing, and years of emasculating servitude to an ungrateful spouse who did exactly what all women are instinctively prone to do—trade up for the bigger, better deal when the opportunity arose.

I’ll say this. I err on the “side” of wives in my writing. In my opinions as they relate to male-female relationships.

But that doesn’t mean I think all men are worthless pigs, and all women, blameless victims.

There are a MILLION posts to be written on shitty wives.

But I’m not going to write them.

OWN. YOUR. SHIT.

I write my posts to “shitty husbands” because I believe in every individual accepting responsibility for his or her own actions.

I write about the need for men to serve their wives and families. I do that because I believe men have the most power to stem the tide of divorce by being what a husband is supposed to be.

That’s not to suggest the wife should sit around getting foot massages and fake tans while metaphorically castrated husbands run around saying: “Yes, princess. Of course, princess. Whatever you want, princess.”

Absolutely not.

Women are responsible for themselves. They are responsible for self reflecting, asking the difficult questions, and deriving reasonable conclusions as to the role they play in failing human relationships, same as men.

My job is to accept responsibility for my own actions and encourage everyone else to do the same.

I’m not going to sit here and point any more fingers at my ex-wife than I already have.

I’ve done plenty of That-bitch-ruined-me feeling sorry for myself.

She’s not a bitch. She’s a human being. Flawed. Mistake-prone. Unable to carry the weight of the world when the pressures and brokenness all become too much.

Just like me.

Just like you.

Life is not one-size-fits-all.

We don’t need advanced degrees in human ethology to recognize that all humans share some very striking physical and emotional commonalities. AND, that we’re all incredibly unique and diverse, as well.

To pigeonhole every man and woman into these silos seems incredibly over-simplistic.

It’s a battle for ultimate power, these guys will tell you. Us versus them.

Is that what we’re in, men and women? An epic power struggle between genders?

Am I supposed to look at every woman I meet as someone plotting to control me? As an enemy?

These manosphere philosophers seem to believe that very battle is being waged. And at least a few of them argue their points intelligently and succinctly.

I just have a little trouble latching on to such ideas. You know that smell? That reeking smell of rotting bullshit? That’s what I smell when I read some of this stuff.

So men should have power over women, you say?

Should white people have power over black people?

Should straight people have power over gay people?

Should rich people have power over poor people?

There’s an aura of macho elitism in much of this. And in their defense—like the guy who commented on my post this morning—I think they just want to help me. They want me to join their team because they believe that’s where true life satisfaction and happiness as a man lives.

A Different Kind of Tough

They’ll tell you I’m weak.

And don’t take this the wrong way, guys, because I’m not completely dismissing every facet of this manosphere philosophy until I’ve studied it much more (the author of The Rational Male, for example, has been married for 17 years and has children)—but, fuck you very much.

I don’t not have sex with women because I’m weak and can’t get any. I don’t have sex with anyone because I’m strong.

I believe in unconditional love. In choosing to love. In making the hard, difficult choices every day in the context of a committed monogamous relationship.

You think that’s easy to do? You think that’s weakness? Eat shit.

Because that’s HARD.

Walking the walk every day—striving to be the best version of your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual self—is not for the weak.

You better be strong. Tough as nails. Every single day, forever. Because that’s what it takes.

My tough might not look like your tough.

You slept with three women last week. Running a scam. Pretending to be something you’re not. To perpetuate the lifestyle of cheap, throwaway relationships, designed solely to serve yourself.

Forgive me for failing to see the virtue in that.

I would gladly choose a lifetime of celibacy over treating human beings like things.

If you want to write that off as my inability to get laid, that’s your choice to make.

I believe in respecting myself. I’m attracted to people who respect themselves.

It’s not weak to respect women. To do it right actually takes enormous strength.

The Meaning of Life

I try so hard to keep theological conversation off these pages.

1. I don’t want to debate it.

2. I don’t want to tell people their beliefs are wrong, nor do I want people saying that to me.

3. I’ll never believe that words on a page will bring people to spiritual fulfillment. Spiritual fulfillment lives in prayer, meditation and taking action. Self-discovery.

To be part of the manosphere, it appears I would have to abandon every moral principle I possess.

Marriage is bullshit, they say. Committed relationships are for fools.

So we teach our sons, through both action and word that women are inferior beings designed to be subservient to our daily whims? To what? Not respect their mothers? Or any other girls in their lives?

And we teach our daughters, what? That they’re a lower-class of human being? That they need to find a dominant man to “game” them into bed before they tire of our daughters’ illogic and crazy emotion-driven behavior?

Here’s as preachy as you’re ever going to see me. Do with it what you will:

Keep telling yourself there are no such thing as souls. That life is meaningless.

That there are no consequences, in this life or the next, in living without moral restraint.

I do believe in God, and maybe I’ll write about why someday.

I subscribe to Christian principles when I’m not saying “fuck you very much.”

I don’t pretend to understand the mysteries of a world beyond our human experience. I don’t have any answers. I just know that trying to emulate Christ (NOT by judgmental assholes who call themselves Christians, but Christ himself), leads to making solid lifestyle decisions that involve loving each and every human being. In behaving in ways that set a wonderful example for our children. Our friends. Our neighbors. Our co-workers.

It doesn’t mean preaching on street corners, screaming at “sinners” and quoting bible verses all the time.

It means walking the difficult path. When people are watching. And when they’re not.

I’m HORRIBLE at this. But it’s what I strive for.

I don’t need to sell anyone on this, nor am I trying to. You’re going to do and believe what you want. And you SHOULD do that. Ask hard questions. Figure things out for yourself.

The truth will be revealed in the end, one way or another.

But living without restraint—without principles—leads to a poisoned soul. Darkness. Contamination. On the inside of us.

It robs us of peace. It robs us of fun. It robs us of love. It robs us of the best feeling we get to experience as human beings—happiness.

Do the wrong thing long enough, and you’re going to feel shitty. And I don’t want you to feel shitty.

So, maybe try something new.

Because many of you manosphere guys are going to wake up 75 and alone one day. And none of your “game” or selfishness is going to have gotten you anything of value.

You’ll be empty, and morally bankrupt.

Maybe—just maybe—you could try it my way instead.

1. Love yourself.

2. Be grateful for your life.

3. Love your partner unconditionally. Choose to love. It’s a decision. Not a feeling.

4. Serve something greater than yourself. On Earth, and spiritually.

5. Give more than you take in all of your relationships and feel the world return that unselfishness to you. Because it will.

Sure, your way will get you more sex with women who don’t care about you in the interim.

But my way? That will keep you from wanting to off yourself in retirement, when you’re empty, bitter and alone. When you’ll need all the “Game” you can muster to get that flaccid thing erect to try and work things out yourself.

Hopefully, there will be some Bones reruns playing for you on TV Land.

Because I’d hate to bump into you 30 years from now working behind the local deli counter.

I’ll walk in. You’ll immediately identify me as not being as manly as you. My pocket will be full of Beta bucks.

“What can I get for you, sir?” you’ll say.

And I’ll reply: “You can make me a sandwich.”

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