Ask Me Stuff

Image courtesy of kindnessresources.com

Image courtesy of kindnessresources.com

You have questions. I know, because you’re a person just like me. I want you to ask me those questions.

Maybe you’d like a different perspective on something going on in your life.

Maybe you want me to Google something for you.

Maybe you actually value my opinion.

Ask me anything at MBTTTR@gmail.com or in the comments below!

Why Would I Want to Ask You?

Great question!

Academic Accomplishments

I was a B+/A- student in high school. (Mostly Bs, though.) I have a bachelor’s degree from a public university with liberal admissions standards. It took me five years (plus a couple summer classes) to graduate.

Professional Accomplishments

I was a newspaper reporter for about eight years after graduating. I had two reporting jobs, and I only got laid off from one of them! I am currently employed in marketing. I write things.

Relationship Accomplishments

I was successfully married for nine years. (If you count the 4 ½ months I was separated and about a year and a half of sleeping in the guest bedroom.)

Testimonials

“I think you give good advice.” – Childhood best friend

Why Do You Want Me to Ask You Stuff?

Great question!

Two reasons:

1. I always thought I’d enjoy being a psychiatrist or a therapist of some kind even though I’m woefully unqualified. This would be almost like that if anyone were to ever ask a serious question and not just goof-off questions like: “Hey Matt! Why do you think aliens who can be killed by water would invade a planet with a surface that is 71 percent water and has a lot of water vapor in the air!?!?” To which I’d reply: Lady in the Water, fools. It doesn’t have to make sense!

M. Night

2. I sometimes have a difficult time coming up with post ideas because I’m not as creative as I’d like to be and this could provide good more fun easy content ideas.

In all seriousness, whether questions be sincere or in jest, I thought this might be a fun new way to evolve the blog. It only works with participation, and if it’s a dud, we’ll make it go away in short order.

If you feel compelled, I will appreciate your participation very much.

Thank you!

Ask me stuff at MBTTTR@gmail.com or in the comments below!

230 thoughts on “Ask Me Stuff

  1. Bobbie says:

    Love, love, love your articles on shitty husbands! It was so helpful to me in a reverse kind of way. I am an older woman in a very long marriage. My marriage was, let’s say “solid”. We were married just short of 39 years and I had pretty much accepted my husbands disconnect. I picked up the slack and pretty much ran the household, raising four kids to adulthood and was ready to settle in for a pleasant retirement. Then it happened, out of the blue my husband had an affair with a married woman he met on Facebook. Without going into too much detail I will say it ended her marriage and I filed for divorce! My Husband had various excuses for his affair, one being we had “drifted apart”. I did not understand this until I read your articles. Maybe he was right. I had long given up and disconnected from him figuring that he was not ever going to really listen to me or do anything unless he benefited. I just went through the motions and maintained the status quo and let him make the decisions that he wasn’t going to be actually involved in any kind of “family life”! I do blame him for his bad and selfish habits, but I gave up fighting with him long ago and that is my fault! It takes two to tango. Yes, we did divorce. Yes he went to live with the other woman. It lasted four months once he was under the same roof with her. Why? I believe it was the bad habits he brought from our marriage. He IS selfish and lazy and wants everyone to put up with him putting TV, movies, books and hobbies ahead of a real relationship. I think his new squeeze thought he was different as she only had the “fun guy” who was seeing her on weekends and she didn’t realize who he really was. Just a guy who gets way to comfortable indulging himself while the little woman bears the load of making him happy! But like I said, I played a part in the demise of my marriage by accepting my role as chief, cook and bottle washer. I too disconnected and gave up trying to change him. He came to me and told me he loved her because she was spontaneous and had time to have fun! No kidding? Of course she did! She wasn’t like me who was overloaded with everything that had to be taken care of to make our lives run smoothly! Of course she had time!
    I now see where the whole marriage began to disintegrate thanks to your articles. He was selfish, lazy, disconnected and not concerned it would our marriage. I played a role by not insisting on getting counseling, talking it out and letting my feelings be known. I just went on auto pilot! My resentment turned into tolerating a roommate that I could maintain, but deep down I was unhappy too! I did love him, but years of neglect from him for my needs and feelings just buried the marriage! Thanks for the clarity!

    Like

  2. Exhausted says:

    I’m so afraid that I married a shitty husband. Most of the time he’s great and we get along great. But the times that he isn’t great, he makes me feel like he couldn’t care less about me. Hell sometimes like he doesn’t even like me. We’ve barely been married a year.

    Right now, I’m laying on the ridiculously uncomfortable couch at 4am, pregnant and unable to relax because I’m a light sleeper and he decided to watch tv all night. He knows I can’t sleep like that. I tried though. I laid there tossing and turning for three hours when I finally got up and left our room. Now he is acting like I’m being unreasonable. Am I?

    I’m so tired. I don’t even know why I’m posting this.

    Like

    • G says:

      your pregnant, your tired, your a light sleeper at the best of times…and he is watching TV in the same bedroom and then says you are being unreasonable?…Really! You have a shit head of a partner and your baby has a selfish, immature father. And maybe that’s all it is, your guy is immature and jealous. Maybe he is scared and concerned about being a good dad and being able to be counted on. This can make guys say and act just plain stupid. But what if he isn’t and you know that he should know better and treat both of you with the respect and support you need. When people are genuinely kind and loving, they are usually like that more than 90% of the time, especially to their pregnant spouse. If this unloving behavior continues please consider it as a warning sign and invite him to see a therapist with you. If he refuses, which is usually the case with the first request, then go on your own just to get some professional feedback. You stated you are afraid you married a shitty husband and you sound intelligent enough to know what it means to have a proper, caring and loving partner. Addressing these concerns now is vital for the future health of your family. All the best to you with your new baby and new life.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. allusionblog says:

    Bobbie and Exhausted are two of the facets of why I chose not to marry or have children. I haven’t yet met a man who loves me. I can and have loved a man, yet learned from watching my Mom love my Dad, and him not committing to love in return, that it appears an excruciating lifelong semi-secret torment to live unloved.

    Bobbie, try brown noise, it’s similar to white noise yet better, can play it on headphones, it helped me sleep well and blocks out invasive sounds. Can be found on YouTube and Amazon, etc.

    Like

  4. Robyn says:

    Hi i loved your blogs im wondering if you could do one for wives my fiance and i are nearly home and dry after rebuilding our love after the confrontation of cheating in our relationship i know i do some crap stuff at times id love to see it written in the wonderful humanistic way youve done your other ones thankyou regards Robyn

    Like

  5. Sara says:

    I read this article and all the letters months ago. I tried hard to get my boyfriend/ fiancé? I suppose of 13 plus years to read them and to work with me on our relationship. Well you said it perfectly. He dug his heels in and said no, there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s only you, I won’t change. It took me another 4 months of our relationship slowly dying to finally leave and tell him I didn’t want to see him any longer. Then he wanted to try. Then he wanted to apologize. I did talk with him. We spent almost 2 weeks working on us, but ultimately he still did the same things that hurt me and made me cry myself to sleep nightly for months. Now we are done, and slowly I’m picking up the pieces of my life. He was sad, miserable now he is angry and blames me that I left, he didn’t ask me to. I walked away from him. I am to blame Yes, yes I did leave. But after time I realized it wasn’t him. It wasn’t me. It was us. We both ruined our relationship. I just wish now, that he had read your article in January when I sent it to him. I wish now that he worked with me when I tried doing home therapy counseling, instead of telling me to F off. Because I did love him. I wanted to be his wife and care for him always, but I now realize he didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t mutual. I’ve grown a lot since, and I still go back and read your letters to shitty husbands. So many paragraphs describing our last 8 months together that I wish he read and saw back then.

    Like

  6. Katrin says:

    I am about to walk out. Its 2 am, and i can’t sleep, sitting in the kitchen sad. He was grumpy for the last 4 days – again, without telling me why – again, though i asked him again and again. Only stumbled upon your page yesterday and its been an eye opener of about what is happening in my relationship. We are not married, as he continuously says that he is too young to marry. His sarcasm is something he is very proud of, i know its slowly killing my love. We have two boys age 6. I don’t know what is better, to pull through, or let go. The thought of my children growing up with us separated, make me just want to die, and i am really hearing your words on that. But i want more love and even more, i want connection. Every day, at least something, like you say in your letters, some touch, some connection, some words. I am going for weeks with nothing. He wants more sex, that i can not have without connection. We run a business together and both give all for it and the children. Not much for us. I love how you say to run a relationship/marriage with the same effort as a business, i actually used to say that when i was younger. I always dreamed of a relationship where we know ourselves and each other and – play the game of – meeting each others needs. Thank you for your letters, but it won’t help us. Imagine i send him the link, he would be so annoyed (about the truth). Saying all that i don’t mean that i am perfect. I hope i will make the right decision. Regards to you all, Katrin

    Like

  7. Lisa says:

    Matt, do you ever hear from shitty husbands who changed their behavior/priorities and stayed married? Or do most men only stand a chance at figuring this out once their wife leaves them?
    – From a wife who is done allowing her husband to masturbate inside of her while all of his attention, love and priority belongs to the Indianapolis Colts

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Lisa asked a great question which I’ve never seen (embarassingly, since it’s dated Oct. 19) until right this moment.

      The short answer is: Yes. (Rarely, admittedly. But, yes.)

      But there’s an additional layer to this predicated on the complexities of two random human humans and the specific chemistry and emotional volatility between them…

      Here’s a MAJOR shift in thinking I’ve undergone over the four years writing here:

      When I first started writing about this stuff, I believed that men like me could could have their “Ah-ha” moments, understand what I think I know mostly understand, and then totally change all of the things they need to change to “fix” the problem.

      I no longer believe that.

      I now believe people are mostly who they are. With their respective personality makeup and a lifetime of habits and mostly ingrained emotional responses. (It takes IMMENSE work to alter the way we respond emotionally to particular triggers).

      So, I don’t think husbands can snap their fingers and change overnight just because they finally “get it.”

      But I DO think armed with the “getting it,” and developing the willingness to have the conversations to work through all of the conflicting emotions and bad guesswork and thoughtless actions we all do, that people can survive and thrive with a subtle shift in mindset, and commitment to discussing things in ways that demonstrate you’re trying to understand the other’s perspective.

      Changes everything.

      Like

    • L says:

      I would love to know the answer to this. Or do that all say F off and continue to emotionally neglect their wives?

      Like

  8. Jamie says:

    Your wife needs to take you back. You’re so remorseful and sincere about the mistakes you’ve made. It takes real character and honesty to admit to yourself (and the internet) what you did wrong. I think it’s amazing how you’ve taken your traumatic divorce experience and have used it to help others save their marriages. You deserve happiness and I pray you find it.

    As for me, I’m 35- a stay at home Mom of two little boys and my husband and I have been having problems for years. He works hard and unlike most men you’re speaking to in your blog- he DOES help me around the house- he does laundry and dishes without asking, always has. He just doesn’t treat me like his wife. I’m treated as his roommate.

    We have sex maybe once a month and he never tells me I look good, never touches me, or holds my hand. He falls asleep after dinner and I spend most nights completely alone. It’s very depressing. I know it’s not because he thinks I’m ugly. Without sounding conceited, I have professionally modeled most of my adult life and I stay in shape. I take good care of our children and our home. He has a home cooked meal every night. He’s just cold and doesn’t show affection. We’ve been to counseling and he will put his arm around me here and there and have more sex with me for a few weeks and then it’s back to normal. This pattern has been going on for 10 years. Idk what to do at this point. Cheating has crossed my mind but I’m not the sneaky type. I love my boys and I want a stable home for them with two parents. However, I simply can’t live in a marriage with no intimacy or affection anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      Hi Jamie. Thank you for the nice note.

      Two questions:

      1. Do you think it’s possible that your husband simply doesn’t understand how much his lack of demonstrated interest in you hurts you, on account of him never experiencing it that way?

      2. Do you think it’s possible that if he knew EXACTLY how much it hurt, and/or that by not adjusting his behavior it was going to end your marriage, that he would demonstrate the love for you that you can see and feel, in a way I do suspect he feels in his own way?

      Like

      • L says:

        Matt, I told my husband in no uncertain terms what I need from him emotionally. He screamed at me, “I don’t need that shit!” That. Shit. The stuff I need the most in my life to feel loved and human is…. shit. To my husband. Jesus. At least I know how he feels. He’s made no changes. I’ve referenced the conversation a few times and he seems to realize that he was telling indeed the truth. You’d think that one human telling another from their heart, “This is what I need,” would inspire one to figure out a way to give it. The fact that he doesn’t need it shouldn’t matter.

        Like

    • Angela Spagnolo says:

      Jamie

      I have been married once, it ended after 7 years due to similar circumstances. I have been involved with 3 serious relationships after that and two before. I will try to stay positive because I do not like to give up. I know that you feel you deserve better and you do. I believe in ultimatums and deadlines. We only get one life. If we never insist on having the love and intimacy and affection we want in our lives, we won’t have it. I am determined to move forward after two years living with a man (who i knew all my life; who promised me I made him better and promised me we would be better, he promised me we would grow old together. He was my best male friend and we developed into a romantic relationship after 40 years of friendship. I trusted him and he still did the same exact thing. (cut me off intimately 90 days into living together). I screamed, I cried, I begged… after of course trying to communicate effectively fell on completely deaf ears. He walked out the door 3 days before New Years Eve because I mentioned that nothing was getting better. I said it quietly. I am happy he left. I still feel numb and hurt, but while he was here I was losing hope. I finally have hope in my life again. In my situation I believe drugs and alcohol were to blame. I have accused him of cheating, but he swears that was not the case. I wish you the best. Keep hope alive.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. G says:

    Jamie – speaking from a few more years experience, I can agree that you and your hubby have become more like room mates than a loving couple. You have fallen into your patterns of life when raising kids and keeping a home. Keeping a happy and satisfying marriage is a lot like maintaining a happy and satisfying life. Try this….when was your first date? I want you two to always have a first date every month (basically, a first date monthaversary). Go out and have fun, break the monotony of life and show you appreciate each other. If it goes well after the first date, do another one the next week or in a couple weeks. Also, and not suggesting you don’t do this now, but try to always thank each other for everything you do for each other…thanks for loading the dishwasher, thanks for working, thanks for walking the dog, thanks for calling me, etc….being appreciative goes a long ways. Hopefully this becomes reciprocal and fosters a more loving relationship. Lastly, when was the last time your hub had a checkup/physical? Men often neglect going to the doc for a ‘mechanical inspection’, and getting a blood test is a good way to rule out any other nutrition issues that may be inadvertently affecting his mood and energy. Anyways, hope it helps and let us know what happens.

    Like

  10. Maggi says:

    Hey Matt – I’ve been following you for a few months and have felt compelled to reach out a few times.. but none more that right now. I’ve been divorced for about 8 years now.. my ex & I have 2 girls (age 15 & 11).. we have a nonexistent co-parenting relationship. I raise our girls, and he lives in another country with his wife (I live in L.A.). The girls & I have settled into our current situation – I accept that he will never be someone who will be involved in raising his kids – other than the occasional FaceTime & summer visits (which I acknowledge is not “raising” them at all.. but this is his full capacity) .. and sadly, the girls accept that too. My friend once said something wise “no expectation, no disappointment” which kind of put me in a neutral (resigned??) place with my ex.. if I expect nothing than the bare minimum with him, then I’ll never be disappointed… and for the most part, that has worked for me. But like any human, I get triggered.. and this last time hit me hard. It’s been over a week since Trump won the election, and while I am exercising every tool I have in my personal development toolbox (breath; meditate; patience; appropriate activism, etc.).. I am triggered big time that he hasn’t reached out to his girls – even to assure them that altho this man, who represents everything anti-female empowerment, is now our president,…they (our girls) are still valued, empowered and worthy. My question is – I feel so compelled to send him an email pointing out how he hasn’t reached out to the girls in any way that reflects he ‘has their back’.. am I wrong? I know nothing will come of it.. but every few years I feel compelled to send a reminder that this little bubble he’s created in which he believes that he is a ‘good father,’ is in actuality, complete bullshit. And that altho his girls are well adjusted kids for the most part, his neglect will ultimately not go unscathed, and it will always be like a little rock in the bottom of their shoe. He is not even remotely close to having done his internal work, like yourself – so the email is most likely to fall on defensive deaf ears… but I’m really torn. Am I wasting my breath on someone with such an abysmal EQ? ~ Maggi

    Like

    • Spitfire says:

      I seriously doubt a political event will trigger a fatherly reaction in him. Your previous choice to have zero expectations worked for you, so why not go back to that?

      It feels as if you are subconsciously blaming your husband for how you feel about the election.
      FWIW I don’t believe our entire nation and political system will fall apart b/c of any one person. JFK was killed in office, 2 other presidents were shot, and Nixon resigned. We survived. I have faith in our nation and our people.

      Perhaps the election reminded you of your marriage/divorce or took you by surprise.

      As the mother of 2 daughters and a son, my suggestion is to keep any projections of doom to yourself. It comes off as a way to link your husband, to the election. (I know you’re not consciously linking him, but there’s some projection going on for sure.)

      Why not advocate for a cause you care about, instead?

      I worry that expressing rage at your husband will only help him justify his absentee parenting, more. Worse, he will probably blame you for any estrangement.

      I’m sorry about your kids lacking a dad, but you being at peace will do them wonders.

      Like

  11. TRYINGTOBEAGDMOMMY says:

    As I sit here crying for the umpteenth time while reading your blog-this one about staying to get her for the kids- I have to provide you at least 5 alternate views of what I feel is wrong about this:

    1. My kids deserve better- as a now blended family with two sets of offspring from prior relationships they do NOT deserve to suffer through another loveless marriage or house of walking on eggshells/ tension/ coldness/ or any other negative emotions that young children are VERY apt to pick up on despite even the BEST parental acting. Furthermore, how can I teach them they are worthy of love and to love themselves if I don’t show it in kind? How can I claim to love myself if I stay unhappy in this situation (using them as my reasoning) and
    is THIS emptiness and loneliness the kind of love I want to demonstrate for them as a “healthy loving relationship”?
    2. We BOTH deserve better- if we are now bringing out the worst qualities in each other as hunan beings, lovers and parents – how can THAT be easy to live with? Set an example? Not force side- taking in our children?
    Putting aside the hurts and angers – even my selfish dickhead SO has his right to happiness as I have my own-
    Don’t my children deserve happier/better parents and human beings even if that means they aren’t together?
    3. It can’t HURT worse than this. I can’t imagine that being unhappy is harder than faking happiness, love, affection while feeling unhappy and dying on the inside. This is a different kind of hell I am in wherein I wonder daily what horrible mistakes I made to put me here to suffer through this.
    There is no greater loneliness than feeling left alone by the one you love while they still sit beside you-usually not caring and exasperating it.
    4. Everyone can end up with “happy ever afters” in my version…
    If the kids are duped into believing the façade-only they get them-and worse; learn in retrospect the truth through looking back as adults- only to feel burdened for being the reason. Why put that on your children at any age?
    5. Finally, resentment. I LOVE my children-including those not bore by me but raised by me, and I would hope never to feel that way towards them.
    But… in my darkest hours, amid the screaming arguing belittling demeaning SAME fight over undermining/ disciplining/behavioral/parental issues for the ONE MILLIONTH time- I FEEL it sneak in. If I am brutally UNFLINCHINGLY honest- I start seeing a “YOURS” and “MINE” in our children and I assign blame for a fight not created by a child but merely manipulated by one (as most moat age appropriately are) but with a resentment and bitterness that angers me to the core.
    And I have to remind myself that these small children are not the reason for the fights and feelings – that the miscommunication of their father IS…but…it.is.hard. SO hard. And it shouldn’t be- because this argument has NOTHING to do with them and everything to do with how we co-parent and communicate and the lack of respect and appreciation I feel from him daily.

    All the mind spaghetti going thru my brain (how will this impact the kids to go thru the loss of ANOTHER parent? Logistically how will access go? Will I even get to see my (step)children again?? Is there NO other way to impose the severity of this on him so he’ll turn off the TV/iPad for fucksake?!?) Keeps me grappling with this decision and I just can’t help but wonder if my daily procrastination will end up hurting my kids MORE than just leaving EVER would…
    Just wanted to give you the flip side

    Like

  12. TRYINGTOBEAGDMOMMY says:

    Will we be notified of posts are published?

    Like

  13. TRYINGTOBEAGDMOMMY says:

    I wonder if the “dead inside, everything hurting, lonely failure feeling you felt after your divorce is the one I feel daily while staying in my relationship…
    And what it would feel like if it finally stopped because I left him…

    Like

  14. PartnerNOTMaid says:

    Dear Matt,

    I am DESPERATE not to leave my husband.

    But I can no longer be his maid while my own life slowly slips away.

    I love him so much, but after 17 years of asking for his help, I am intensely resentful at the years I have lost.

    The more he acts like a selfish teenager, the more I feel like an old lady.

    I sent you an email asking for help. I hope you read it.
    You may be his only and last chance.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Tania says:

    As well as many other women that are apparently searching, desperately seeking, wanting answers (to prove they’re not totally insane) to find solutions for their marriage problems, I am so very grateful that I have simply ‘stumbled’ into finding your blog. (God knows why I haven’t found it before this) gratefully it has brought much relief! I want to say that I have never joined a blog, nor even contemplated it. I’ve joined! You’ve hit the nail completely on the head. Thank you, invaluable. Now all I have to do is keep reading and figure out how to successfully pass this over to the shitty husband.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I am afraid I have a shitty husband. He has always been spoiled and he talks way too much about what he deserves. He is generally a good guy who treats his family well but we are always in second place it. Heck we have made it 11 together years so far… & maybe I am overreacting now but he is away on business and didn’t even bother to call tonight after work to tell his children goodnight like he normally does. After not talking to him all day when I finally got a hold of him he was so far past drunk, it’s not even funny. He had been at the bar with his buddies since 5 pm (pics for proof & no cheating or anything). I freaked out and told him to get a cab back to his hotel ASAP and for him to stop being so selfish. This doesn’t happen often yet as of now it has happened 1 too many times and I am on the verge of a breakdown. I am heartbroken that the children wanted to talk to their dad and he blew us off. (Our daughter got glasses today for the first time. She was so excited & he still doesn’t know his daughter has glasses)
    Maybe I shouldn’t be so up tight… Maybe I am shitty wife because I am sitting here 2 days before Christmas contemplating divorce. I don’t even know why I am here…

    Like

  17. Dee says:

    I am 31, have been married 9 years.
    I came across this blog while Googling, “i’m sad because my husband is mean to me.” I think your posts make a bunch of sense. You seem to understand several steps you could have taken to salvage your marriage.
    Im tired, so weary of going around and around. Same crap for 9 years! I work 12 hour days, (he works 14) then I come home, help our 2 kids with homework, clean up the house some, wash clothes, do additional work from my job, then he comes home, eats, puts his feet up and I have to wait on the Grizzlies game AND ufc to go off before he rolls over and wants a cap off before he goes off to sleep real quick, often times leaving me staring at the ceiling while he snores. And if I make a mistake and fall asleep before the game goes off, then the next morning, I get the silent treatment because I neglected his needs the previous night. This sometimes makes me feel scared to be sleepy because I feel as though I will be reprimanded or treated spitefully if he didn’t get his rocks off before I doze off. He complains constantly about having to pay the bills, but I buy groceries and anything I need, and anything our children need. Heck, I even buy things he needs!! I know not to ask him to help me pay for anything the kids need, or myself for that matter. I know not to complain about the troubles in my career. I know not to tell him my feelings because then, im “naggin” so I keep it in. He leaves his shit laying around for me to pick up, knowingly pees on the toilet refusing to wipe up, and consistently finds better things to do than discuss our 10 year wedding anniversary celebration with me. When he gets real shitty he will say stuff like, “You can go live with your parents!” Imagine how that makes me feel as someone who has been watching his stomach expand further and further and praying for sex to be finished!! I found a cute little house for me and our kids a few months back, started talking to an agent and everything, but he promised he would be more kind and loving to me, so I put the breaks on prepping myself for a separation.
    Now it seems old habits are rearing their ugly heads. I’m wondering if I just pay my own mortgage someplace else, my own car insurance, and my own phone bill, would he be happy then. He would then be paying less bills, which should make him happy. I would hate to split, but I would hate living in a shitty feeling marriage much longer.

    I wish everone well on here!

    Like

  18. Hello, I am a 50 year old female struggling for almost 2 years with a relationship because I believe in love. I made a commitment and I am desperately trying to see it through. Here are my issues. I have known this man; and loved him… since I am 11 years old. We have always been close friends and I have always been attracted to him. I never believed he could see me as a relationship partner. We moved in separate directions at the age of 19 (me) and 21 (him). We married other people, failed at those marriages and some how he told me that he as in love with me in Feb of 2015. We never looked back, moved in together Jun of 15. (even though I saw major red flags) I always believed love would and could endure. Red flags are; his deliberate refusal to contribute to our life together outside of what he wants to do on any level. Even when it comes to physical love and affection its all about him, he is selfish and has issues with alcohol and marijuana as well as a wondering eye for much younger females. We fight we argue, he leaves I welcome him home. Its a vicious redundant cycle. We are still doing this and I am tired, I want to give up even though on some level I believe he loves me regardless of all these issues, I am miserable either way, with or without him so I think it is time to let him go. No sense in dragging it on any longer, but I don’t know how to end it so that we don’t hate each other. Any advice better than no advice. Let me know what you think/

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  19. DW says:

    I too came across this blog while googling on marriage advice. It’s comforting to see that I’m not alone in my struggle. The most difficult thing I find is being unable to express my feelings and get support from anyone without it getting awkward.

    Married for over 20 years, together for even longer, and realizing over the last few years when my eyes were opened and my bubble finally burst when he proclaimed “I’m not in love with you anymore!” (but that I should stay with him because we built a life together), that I’m married to a selfish, critical, verbally abuse and belittling man-child. We had a fight over the holidays – he said that I was sulking during the holidays – he conveniently “forgot” that he told me to “shut up” as I expressed an opinion about something on Christmas Day – I guess I’m supposed to be ok with this? He actually shouted at me in front of the children this Christmas that “he got nothing he wanted for Christmas”, which I found out a couple of days later meant, “you didn’t buy me a Playstation 4 for Christmas”. WOW. Despite numerous “discussions” (I put this in quotes because we don’t communicate) before Xmas where he told me it didn’t matter what he got because it was about the kids, and he didn’t want or need for anything. (side note: his list of things he “doesn’t” want is very long and generally very expensive), and I try each occasion to get at least one of the growing list of items that he wants.

    Communication, or lack thereof, is a huge problem and it has been for years. Again, didn’t really notice as I was in love and it wasn’t a problem until it actually mattered (ie. when trying to discuss something serious). The one and only attempt to go to counseling took a long time to convince him, and we got through 3 or 4 sessions before he quit. He viewed counseling as my way of “getting someone to feel sorry for me” and that I need to get over it. I’ve even spoken with his immediate family about what is happening, and although they agree that things need to change, they are unwilling and reluctant to help (so I don’t ask anymore)…and they believe that things have gotten much better because we’re so good at pretending in front of others that we’re a good family. I’m at the point now where I think about separation on a daily basis, and am terrified of what that will mean financially, and psychologically — in a perfect world, everything would be amicably divided, time with the children split, and no drama, but at the sheer mention of the big “D”, I am told if I go ahead with this and he’ll institutionalize me (or other variations) — apparently his defense for the source of my frustrations and anger (it’s all my fault!!) is that I’m crazy and losing it. I know I’m a level-headed and logical person, it’s just a way to get a rise from me. His solution to our problems is to just stop talking with one another, I need to leave him alone, and mind my own business (no opinions).

    Although he is affectionate with our children, he is indifferent to me – no hugging, no kissing, sex only when months have gone by — it’s been a loooong time, argh!, our words are unkind and full of contempt, and any attempt for “conversation” results in one-word answers or snide remarks, all which I know aren’t good signs for anything. I’ve pointed out several times that the “relationship” our children see isn’t healthy for them – I don’t believe that our marriage is a good representation for them in the future as they have their own relationships when they get older. He tells the kids “mommy just wants to breakup the family” – and he doesn’t see that he’s already done that by not even wanting to resolve, communicate and engage in counseling to see if we can repair our relationship – who tells someone that they aren’t in love anymore and expect things to continue as previous without affecting the relationship?? I feel that separating, having the space away from each other, and finding ourselves again through self-reflection and eventually moving on would be the proper choice. I don’t like the sad, angry person I’ve become, and I know how I can be as I’m way happier outside the house – at work, and when talking with others. I feel tired, trapped, numb, and have no outside support.

    Am I totally off on my thinking?

    Like

  20. KJCJ says:

    I married a shitty husband. Unfortunately it took me 15 years to put a name to it. I spent many years trying to convince myself that I was happy but the fact of the matter was that I was increasingly unhappy. I read your blog and you hit the nail on the head with respect to my feelings. The feeling of being taken for granted and unappreciated for my efforts. He is not abusive, generally not rude but he makes absolutely NO effort to be friends with me. He will only talk to me about subjects he approves of. If I want to just talk about stuff–anything-the conversation dies. It’s like playing tennis by myself. Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW i am not (nor was I) a perfect wife. I often asked him what he needed from me to be a better wife. His response: more sex. But sex was functional and performances based. No romance. Took about 15 to 20 minutes and then its over. God forbid I was on my period and didn’t want sex, he got mad. He got mad anytime there was anything that got in the way of sex. It was always my fault. Even my period was my fault. The expectation of sex was exhausting especially when there was absolutely no effort towards foreplay–that for me happened LONG before we get into the bedroom.
    I very specifically told him what I needed from him. I didn’t want any miscommunication and then followed my requests with asking what I can do to be a better wife.
    Needless to say, nothing changed. I needed to be friends with my husband, have conversations with him that were not about world peace, stock market, politics or religion. I just wanted to connect over laughter and fun. It was a no go. He is cynical and critical and our conversations become heavy and not much fun. So I sought the kinds of communication and conversations elsewhere. Now I want out but we have a young daughter. He knows now that I have checked out and NOW he makes the effort. But I’m afraid it is a little too little too late. Sad, really because I would have moved heaven and earth to have this from him years ago. He says he’s changed and now I should just forgive him. But I can’t.
    I met someone else last year. I want to be with him. My husband knows there is someone else which is why I think he has changed. But he won’t let me go.
    My question to you: Is it all about control? Why is he so interested in keeping me now that he knows there is someone else? Is it fear of being alone? Cause I don’t think it’s real love. Not the healthy kind that sustains a marriage. My husband has NO friends but me and he depends on me to be his everything. Why does a guy do that? I can’t be his everything.

    Like

  21. SSS says:

    My husband and I have had our ups and downs over the past 11 years. He went through a phase where he was really, I mean REALLY mean to me, when his parents were passing—we took care of both of them at home. I chalked it up to the stress of what he/we were going through. After they passed though, it seemed like our relationship stabilized: we did everything together, we made love often, he sent me nice texts during the day—I sent him nice texts. In 2014 I became pregnant with our first and only child—a boy. I was SO thrilled when the ultra sound showed it was a boy because he is an only child and his father was the only son in his family. I was thrilled that the family name would be carried on. My eyes welled up with tears. When I was about 4 months pregnant, though, he stopped want to be intimate with me and, shortly after, he refused intimacy with me and began to shut me out. Our son was born in the summer of 2015 and my labor lasted a grueling 4 days (I chose to attempt a natural birth, which I partially accomplished). He was ABSOLUTELY horrible to me during the labor, unsupportive of my choices—even though we had spoken about this extensively—and completely incapable and unwilling to be my support during the whole process. Had it not been for my brother and my amazing sister-in-law who were there with me the whole time while my husband went home to sleep comfortably at night, I’m not sure I would have made it through. We have a beautiful baby boy who is bouncing with health and was born at 9lbs 3 ounces. After our son was born I noticed my husband was becoming less and less involved in helping out with th baby. Unfortunately I had to start a new job at just 10 weeks post-partum and I was not doing well. I had a serious case of post-partum anxiety due to the extensive labor, lack of sleep, lack of help, lack of empathy, etc. I did not sleep for 5 nights straight before the new job started and at the end of the first day at work I had to check myself into a psychiatric facility for help. I begged my husband to please let me go see a therapist, but he had refused and told me I needed to “pull it together”. He finally agreed to pay the bill for the psychiatric help after I was taken there by the school counselor at my work. Long story short, a year passes and my husbands treatment of me deteriorates to an almost unbearable point. I decided to do some investigating into why he was treating me so badly, as he would deny treating me badly if I ever brought it up to him. Come to find out, by scanning his Twitter, that he was comunicating with some girl from Las Vegas. I also found proof in his e-mail and sent him a text telling him I knew where he was—he had taken to working out and suddenly caring for his appearance as well as taking off without telling me where he was going for extended periods of time. Needless to say, I blew my top when he got home. He swore to me that it had only been going on for a month. A few more days pass, the treatment continues and I do a little more research. Come to find out, he had reserved a hotel for a romantic encounter with said person on the day that our son was due. He lied to me that weekend saying he was going to a city nearby for a weekend to himself before the baby arrived. Come to find out tonight, 6 months past the initial discovery, and almost 2 years into his affair that it is still going on—she is now giving him an ultimatum to leave me. I am SOOOOO close to calling it quits. I told him tonight he has until Friday to decide whether he wants to go to a marriage counselor or to a mediator to negotiate the terms of the dissolution of our marriage. Contrary to what his parents put him through, I don’t want to raise my son in a loveless marriage where the parties are cheating on one another and hate each others guts. Friday…it’s make or break. Please keep us in your thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exhausted says:

      Ohhhhhh hunny. Please get out. He doesn’t deserve any more chances. Take your son and make a happy life for both of you. You deserve so much more.

      Liked by 1 person

      • SSS says:

        Yes… I’m beginning to think you’re right. Thank you for the kind words.

        Like

        • SSS says:

          I will add a little more context by saying that we were VERY much in love when we met and were engaged for the first year. I was his ear, his support, and he encouraged me to pursue my dreams. We were very much in love. He thought I was the sexiest thing around. Things changed almost immediately upon our getting married.

          Like

          • Bronze says:

            He is actively putting your physical (STIs), mental and emotional health at risk. He doesn’t care about you anymore. Get your ducks in a row because if he isn’t actively hiding income, he is definitely spending ‘marriage money’ on that w***e. You can live without that man – millions of women all over the world bring up children on their own, very well. He was nice until he ‘trapped’ you. For some reason men haven’t realised women in the old days stayed in marriage because they would be homeless without them. Women now keep jobs and can get help however, men are still treating women as if marriage is the end game and they immediately revert to type the minute they think you won’t leave. The guy writing this blog IS a nice guy who was oblivious. Your guy is not an oblivious nice guy – he is actively dangerous for your health and not nice at all – not even underneath. That part was an act. Time to leave and build a life.

            Like

            • L says:

              I agree with Bronze and Exhausted. This is a bad, bad, bad situation and you need to get out, STAT. I know it’s hard to give up the hope you developed during your first year of marriage. I don’t think he necessarily duped you; I think he just changed for a while and then changed back. See a family law attorney and start planning your exit. It will take some time to do it right. Please make a happy life for yourself and your son.

              Like

  22. Lealie says:

    My husband to a “T” except he does help around the home. But if you were to ask him it would just be him doing everything. I’m not a perfect wife, but I’m not a mean person. He told me I was fat. I’m not fat. He told me I wasn’t a good mom. I am. He told me I need to break the spaghetti before boiling. Who cares? It always turns into an argument and is my fault. But do I deserve to be screamed at in my face? Or have things thrown at me? I got online looking for mentally abusive husband advice and found this. Made me smile. Married two and half years. Getting worse everyday. I’m afraid of him.

    Like

  23. Hey I mostly just want to say hello and ask for advice on blogging. I’m brand new to it, as u can see via my no followers & doubt I will ever get many readers but how did you secure a following?
    I also don’t do any other social media which I suspect will only work against me with something like this.

    Like

  24. Kathrine says:

    I’m a wife and mother and cried big tears onto my phone while reading each volume. This has put my exact thoughts and feelings into print. I’d like to share this with my husband but any link I share online is opened with rolled eyes and every time I want to discuss my unhappiness I’m accused of being a “victim”, broken record, and of course crazy.

    How can I tactfully share this with my husband?

    And thank you.

    Like

    • Spitfire says:

      “Tactfully” showing a husband an article about shitty husbands, is probably a contradiction in terms. Katherine, what you’re saying is that your husband is a shitty husband. (I realize that may be true!)

      But do you really think there’s any way he’ll read this, and not feel defensive or attacked and insulted? He won’t slap his forehead and suddenly “get it”. Maybe get a book you BOTH read, or a counselor you BOTH see, would be more likely to effect change.

      Try the Divorce Busting website if you want more forums, advice and support. (This blog is cool, truly. And parts of it would benefit husbands IF THEY chose to read it on their own.) But when women want their husbands to change – but cannot see anything significant to change in their own approaches, I see little hope of marital success. You only control yourself. That lesson is key, but it’s a hard one.

      Like

  25. So Matt – I have a question and maybe it would be fodder for a blog post. From the male perspective – what is the impact of loss of trust from the wife on the male psyche? How does this impair ability to function in the relationship and does the despair it causes just result in giving up trying to regain it ? Not sexual infidelity loss of trust, but honestly worded and kind explanation of why the wife feels like the parent, how repeated secrets and their discovery makes the wife wonder what the next one will be and how learning of secret emotional relationships makes the wife hate his password protected always present iPhone.
    To what extent (as a man) do “you” see it as the wife’s job to fix her shit ? I know your answer – but around trust and facing loss of it, what do men need to hear to make it safe to be vulnerable to their vulnerable partner?

    Liked by 1 person

  26. inattentivegirlfriend says:

    Ok. Here’s where we are… We both feel the distance growing between us. He wants to be closer. I want to be closer. And here is where you’ll find the problem. We both have different definitions of closer. I miss the friendship side of things, the companionship, the simple, easy, fun side of things. He misses the intimacy, emotion, sexual,affection side of things. I feel like I need to feel like there’s substance in our relationship outside of the bedroom, and eventually it will naturally spill over into the more intimate parts of our relationship, and he feels like if there’s substance in the intimacy area it will naturally flow over into the companionship area.
    I miss conversations that aren’t about deep emotions and the status of our relationship. I mean can’t we just hang out, doing our own things in the same space and feel comfortable? Can’t we just talk about elephants, or stupid commercials or what movies we want to see, or anything else, that doesn’t leave me feeling emotionally drained.
    For a little background on “us” – we’ve been living together for almost 10 years. Committed, not married. He’s the softer, more sensitive, giving, nurturing type.He’s outward searching. I’m more of the calm, balanced, unemotional, introverted type. I’m inword searching. He’s lonlier when he’s with me. I’m left feeling like he deserves better, I can’t love him in a way that he believes it. Am I wrong to insist we learn to be friends again before we work on the bigger things? Can’t I show him affection and attention with out feeling like I let him down at the end of the night because it didn’t end in sex? If the night has been fabulous and I think we bonded and feel closer and satisfied and happy. But, If we don’t have sex, he can’t see how the rest of the night was valuable at all. He doesn’t feel any closer than we were to start with, in fact he feels like it’s getting even worse. Help!

    Like

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