An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands

man-shrugging-shoulders

I was a shitty husband.

And it’s not because I’m a massive jerk, or abusive, or particularly difficult to get along with.

I was a shitty husband because I didn’t respect my wife’s thoughts and feelings about things I mistakenly believed didn’t matter. When two people disagree, both think they’re right. Which makes the other person wrong.

But sometimes there is no “right.” Sometimes, there is no “wrong.”

You liked the movie. She didn’t. She likes salsa dancing. You don’t. Nobody is right or wrong. But we treat one another like that’s the case. That what I think and believe and feel is right. Therefore, you must be wrong.

I was a shitty husband because I promised her in front of hundreds of people we knew that I would love and honor her all the days of my life. In good times, and in bad. And then I didn’t do that. I didn’t do it in the bad times because I didn’t “feel” like it. Because it wasn’t easy or convenient.

For years, I put my wants and needs ahead of her’s. Not for the “big things,” which is all I thought mattered. I put me first in all the “little things.” Disagreements about housework, passively leaving her to manage our schedules, and the logistics of caring for our son.

She tried to talk to me about it. But I didn’t listen.

I thought she was nagging. Complaining. Being needy. Being a bitch.

I thought because I was a nice person, and that I’d made sacrifices for her, that I was a good husband. I thought because I didn’t do a bunch of bad things some guys do that I was a good husband. I didn’t realize it until much too late: Good men can be bad husbands. Just like good men can be bad at designing bridges, or bad at water-color painting, or bad at water skiing.

We don’t want to hear bad things being said about us. Especially from those we believe we sacrifice daily for. So when we do, we don’t listen. We justify our behavior. Rationalize it. Get defensive. And angry.

We disagree with them, and tell them they’re wrong. Sometimes we tell them they’re crazy. Sometimes we raise our voices or call them a name.

Divorce is the great social crisis of our time, and not enough people are talking about it. Two good, smart, nice people marry voluntarily, and deny it though they will, it’s a coin toss as to whether they’ll be married a decade later.

I tell my story so that maybe other people won’t get divorced like me.

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I started coaching in 2019. Clients and I work collaboratively through current and past relationship stuff in order to improve existing relationships or to prepare for future ones. Other clients are trying to find themselves after divorce or a painful breakup. We talk by phone or video conference. People like it. Or at least they fake it really well by continuing to schedule future coaching calls and give me more money. If you’re going through something and think I might be able to help, it’s really easy to find out for sure. Learn More Here.

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The Posts

Vol. 1

I was in a lot of pain and blaming my ex-wife in the immediate aftermath of her leaving. Vol. 1 represented the first time I began learning to accept responsibility for my very large role in destroying the marriage.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 1

Vol. 2

I got into a really preachy phase with my writing. I’m sure it was annoying because clearly I’m an asshole who doesn’t know anything. But my heart was in the right place.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 2

Vol. 3

I was at a party and I had a tiny crush on the married birthday girl, and I watched her husband ignore her all night (and already knew him to be a less-than-ideal partner). The whole scene made me sad because it reminded me of how I used to treat my ex-wife.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 3

Vol. 4

There’s a really scary phase during a couple’s slow descent to divorce that many husbands don’t realize is scary. When a wife finally snaps and decides to leave or have an affair, her personality often transitions from sad and angry to resigned and apathetic. An observant husband will notice the change immediately. But before she snaps, there’s a period of time in which she’s trying to save your marriage. She wants to be married to you, to love you, and to be together for your children. And in her last-ditch effort to reach you, you often dig in your heels in “manly” defiance. “Stop trying to change me!” If you love winning fights and getting your way more than you love your wife, then you probably deserve what’s about to happen.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 4

Vol. 5

Yes, guys. You have to help around the house. Not sure if you checked the calendar lately, but it’s not 1960 anymore. No matter how insane you think it sounds, she WILL divorce you for leaving a dish by the sink.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 5

Vol. 6

You can destroy your marriage by trying to be “nice.” By letting your spouse make all the decisions. You think it’s a nice gesture, letting the other person have their way. But really? You’re killing them, their respect and desire for you, and it’s all going to break one day. All because you don’t want to be responsible for making plans two weekends from now or scheduling the kids’ dentist appointments or planning family meals. Maybe it’s time to rethink your priorities.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 6

Vol. 7

Men are generally very competitive creatures. I know I am. But despite that, men AREN’T competitive about marriage. And by that, I mean, they tend to not work hard to be the best husband and father imaginable as a measure of pride. They strive for greatness at work, or in a particular organization or social club or hobby. But men don’t seem to think being the best at marriage is a worthwhile endeavor. Considering it’s one of the most-important things we do in this life, and we have such a high failure rate, I wonder why that is.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 7

Vol. 8

What starts at an early age on playgrounds, turns into a relationship killer in adulthood. Men using jokes, sarcasm and mockery to belittle their wives and girlfriends both privately and publicly. It may not be intended to be cruel. It often isn’t. But the recipient of those “jokes” often feels as if it’s cruel. Beat her down long enough, and only one of two things can happen: She’ll leave you for someone who respects her, or you’ll break her and she won’t be the person you married anymore. Maybe she already isn’t.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 8

Vol. 9

Guys like “Me”-time. Maybe everyone does. But a lot of time when husbands and fathers do it, it looks and feels to his wife and children like he isn’t interested in them or that he’d rather spend time alone than with his family. When guys get married young, they often think it’s going to be just like having a permanent girlfriend. That marriage is basically just promising to never have sex with any other women. Sometimes, no one teaches us that marriage isn’t about us. That it’s actually for the person we’re marrying. No one teaches us that the key to sustaining love and happiness isn’t taking. It’s giving.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 9

Vol. 10

Wives sometimes turn into someone else throughout the course of their marriages. Men don’t like it because the person they married is gone. Women don’t like it because they lose the fun, innocent version of themselves they remember from their youth. Husbands lose their wives’ trust. Not over the big things, most of the time. Over the little things. Men won’t change, so their wives MUST. Resentment builds. And much of the time, everything breaks.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 10

Vol. 11

I think married couples who are sad and angry about their lives and relationships make the mistake of trying to “fix the marriage.” They spend all their time trying to figure out how “we” can do things different, and how the other person can make changes to make life better. But I think people need to work on themselves to fix the marriage. To look inside themselves and figure out how they can be their best self. Two people working to be the best versions of themselves have a great chance to succeed. Two people expecting the other to change on their behalf seem doomed to a life of sadness and frustration.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 11

Vol. 12

Cheating is never okay. We don’t want to do it. We don’t want it to happen to us. Almost everyone agrees it’s a horrible, destructive thing. Yet, it keeps happening over and over again. Even with a very decent spouse at home. Even with children and a seemingly happy life. I think it’s important for people to understand WHY this happens, so they can be more self-aware, and so that spouses can work to fill the voids people try to fill with extramarital affairs.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 12

Vol. 13

Maybe somewhere, there’s an example of pornography and masturbation radically improving marriages and relationships. Anything’s possible. But what often happens while couples are slowly drifting apart is that husbands turn to porn and masturbation for sexual relief. Some people don’t think it’s a big deal. I think I’ve seen and heard enough evidence to convince me that heavy porn consumption and masturbation, especially if it’s being hidden as part of a secret life, can negatively affect marriage, and not always in ways people think it will.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 13

Vol. 14

Of the many things I didn’t do that might have resulted in a successful marriage, my failure to mindfully plan fun activities and make tiny time investments to communicate how much I valued my wife and our marriage is probably the most egregious. There’s no excuse that doesn’t ultimately end with: Thousands of times I could have made a slightly different choice to focus on her and us, instead of me and whatever else. And I didn’t. Of all the things that could have saved the marriage, this would have been the easiest to do differently. In some respects, that makes this my greatest relationship failure.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 14

I Provide Relationship Coaching and Divorce Support Coaching Now

I’ve always liked that I wasn’t a thought leader or subject matter expert about marriage, divorce, or anything in the family therapy realm. After several years of writing here, I’ve heard from hundreds, maybe thousands of people who believed THAT was my secret to connecting with people. I am NOT a counselor or therapist, and I’ll never pretend to be.

What I am is someone who can sometimes bridge the divide between two people struggling to connect with or communicate effectively with their spouse or romantic partner.

If you are searching for a better way to connect, or as if the end of your relationship is inevitable and you are seeking a support network, maybe I can help. To learn more, you can email me at MBTTTR@gmail.com with “Coaching Request” (or whatever) in the subject line, or you can visit the Relationship Coaching & Divorce Support page here.

What Qualifies Me for the Job?

Nothing.

But I have a funny little brain and it works like this: There is nothing exceptional about me. Not a thing.

I am the averageiest average person alive.

I possess average intelligence, average physicality and average skills in many facets of life. I am average looking. I earn an average income. I live in an average house in an average town. I had an average upbringing. And now I’m just your average divorced dad stumbling through adulthood.

You know what I think that means?

I think it means A LOT of people can relate to me. I think it means that the mistakes I made and the things I think and feel are JUST LIKE all of the mistakes you make and things you think and feel.

And I’m willing to write it down.

And I have absolutely no idea why that helps people. But I know that it does. It helps people.

Shitty Husbands Abound

You know a shitty husband.

You are one, or you are married to one, or you were raised by one, or you’re friends with one.

Shitty husbands ARE NOT always bad people. Sometimes they are very good people who are simply not very good at being married.

You don’t have to be abusive or neglectful or adulterous or deceitful to be a shitty husband. You need only put your wants ahead of your spouse’s.

You do that enough times?

All while not listening to her pleas for help? Her cries for attention? Her desire for emotional and intimate connection?

She’s going to start having sex with someone else and leave you, or she’s going to WANT to, which is equally bad. It’s true.

These An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands posts are consistently among my most popular posts.

I like some of them more than others because some are poorly written. But what I’ve heard time and time again from frustrated wives and ex-wives (and some husbands and ex-husbands) is that they recognize the truth in all of this.

Male-female relationships tend to follow the same patterns and tend to result in the same conflicts.

And THIS IS GREAT NEWS.

Because if we’re all experiencing the same afflictions and symptoms, then we can all fix it with the same treatment and medicine.

Losing my family was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I’m cool now because a lot of time has passed, and a lot of healing happened. But it was all very, very bad. And I don’t want other people to have to go through it. Especially children.

Not everyone is going to make it. We’re human, and we fail.

But there doesn’t have to be this much brokenness in the world. So many marriages fail that don’t have to.

It makes me sad. And I believe it can be better.

And this is my small contribution to trying to be part of the solution.

I hope you’ll join me.

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780 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands

  1. Sandra says:

    Not one person in his family came to my mother’s funeral mass. Not one! There was no phone call explaining what happened. Granted, my MIL had suffered a heart attack and had a quad bypass 2 mos. prior but was released from rehab 10 days before the mass. And it was just a funeral mass with a breakfast afterwards. One hour out of their day, but they couldn’t be bothered. Even if only 1 of them showed up, things would be different. After 3 days of being quiet, I let loose on my husband. He went over there (he didn’t want me to go ‘cuz he was afraid I would give his mother another heart attack) and spoke to his mother, stepfather and sister. They had no excuse. They blamed one another. Seeing how hurt I was over this, I thought he would distance himself from them since it was what I needed to do. He didn’t. He continues to visit them and they all act like nothing happened. I can’t get past this…I tolerate them for Easter and xmas. Other than that, I keep my distance. I guess he doesn’t understand how their total lack of sympathy made me feel. Especially when my MIL stresses the importance of family, family, family. His connection to them causes a big disconnect with our connection. He just doesn’t get it. He is a nice guy, and unfortunately, that is not a good thing in this case.

    Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss Sandra. It’s extremely difficult to lose someone you love, especially your Mom.
      I can really relate. My husband left me in my home town city the day after my Mom’s funeral. It’s 3.5 hours away from where we live. 3 days later, we had the interment at the cemetery and I stood there and buried my Mom with no husband or kids for support. He took them home too. I had no way home because he took the car. I had to take the train home from my own Mother’s funeral !!
      It’s unforgivable and I knew at that point it was over.
      I recommend reading the “emotionally unavailable man”. I agree your husband just doesn’t understand. You have to spell it out for him in black and white. He (and most men – except for Matt) cannot connect the dots.
      We have to connect them for them. Explain your expectations and what it means to love and support one another. If he can’t stand up for you, I would suggest skipping all activities with his family. No one needs that. You are worth much more. Good luck

      Like

    • SWong says:

      Being ‘nice’ is something I do resent so very much. Blah 🤮 ‘Nice’ people are N O T real.

      Like

      • Josh Franken says:

        There is a difference between nice and kind, for sure. Everyone is truly nice sometimes and nice is an emotional state really. Kind is your actions. Everyone is kind sometimes as well.

        Like

    • Josh Franken says:

      I’m a guy and I’m guessing he might not understand how strongly you feel. You said he did go over there and talk to them and ask them why they didn’t go. It sounds like he at least stood up for you. Don’t you think his actions delivered a message that he thinks they should have gone? This might be what he believes/feels.

      Also, does his extended family generally treat you bad all the time, or did they make this one, really careless and hurtful mistake? Is there any room for forgiveness of them here?

      I don’t think it’s a set in stone social requirement that you attend the funeral of your daughter in-laws mother. You clearly think so, but why is that a requirement? It matters because you think it matters and you wanted the additional love and support. This is legitimate, but maybe they thought being there wouldn’t be helpful to you. If you have a history of not getting along, maybe they thought it would be hurtful to you.

      I’m guessing that you live near your in-laws as well. My in-laws live several hundred miles away, and I would never expect them to come to my parents funerals. I’m sure I’d feel grateful if they did, but I’d never expect it because of the distance.

      It sounds like you guys are going to need a compromise. He’s stuck between a rock and a hard place being forced to chose between his wife and his mom/extended family. He wants to chose both, and honestly, there should be at least some room for him to chose both, unless they treat you absolutely terribly. If they normally treat you respectfully, then you cannot expect him to forsake his own mother, just because she made a thoughtless mistake. Would you want your kids to forsake you for a thoughtless mistake? We all make them.

      Get him to give a little, but also be prepared to give a little yourself.

      If your statement that, “His connection to them causes a big disconnect with our connection,” is true, and unchangeable, then it sounds like you might be trying to socially isolate him. Maybe not on purpose, but that will be the effect if he totally writes off his own family. It sounds like he might not be willing to do that, so tread carefully here.

      Like

      • Jessica Kaufman says:

        Huh. I think you’re a troll. Every comment you make tries to invalidate the comments of the woman who made them. You are doing on this website what manipulative and emotionally abusive partners do IRL. It’s very much like gaslighting. It’s very invalidating. I know you won’t stop since you’re getting your thrills from it, but I can’t not call it out. It’s sad that you are taking out and projecting your pain onto other people.

        I’m wondering if someone recently left you for that behavior and you’re hurt and angry about it? I don’t feel like you’ve learned much.

        Like

      • Jenn Dipascali says:

        Josh how dare you have an opinion! You’re nothing but another simple misogynistic evil man!
        Fall in line so we can blame all the world problems on you.
        After all, any man who presents a logical, reasonable and cogent perspective must be a troll!

        Like

    • Pina M says:

      My husband treated me with such disrespect that I finally broke. I supported his every whim. I financially supported him through 2 university degrees. He was in and out of jobs. I gave up my career so that he could focus on his. I had two young children to care for and he hardly participated in their young lives. All the while, telling me that I didn’t deserve anything. That I was selfish for having needs. He his money. Never gave me access to money. If it wasn’t for my family, we would be in the street. I cannot tell you the level of disrespect I endured on a daily basis. He would not participate in our marriage. I begged him to go to counseling and he made a mockery of it. He disrespected my family and my friends. He was a shitty husband. I tried in vain to save my marriage but about 2 years ago I just gave up. I finally mustered up the courage to leave him after I had a complete mental breakdown. He’s ruined my life. I have no idea how to move forward from this. The trauma is unbearable

      Like

      • Maddy476 says:

        Hi, I’m sorry that you had to go through all that. Sounds a bit similar to my story. You will get through it because you’ve already made the decision and left. You already know you gave it your all and know you deserve better. I think the frustrating part is wondering why we banged our heads against the wall for so long. You will be less lonely without him. Trust me. Think about all the wonderful things you have to look forward to. It’s hard starting over but the peace is so worth it. Good luck.

        Like

  2. timothy l michel says:

    That’s nice. Everyone should take responsibility for their mistakes and attempt to rectify them. So where is your website foe shitty women? They are out their too, no doubt about it. So rise to the challenge my friend. Both sides of the coin must be examined.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Boss Baby says:

      This is an excellent example of something a shitty husband would say. Thank you for the specimen and good luck! 💩

      Liked by 2 people

      • Jon Reynolds says:

        Well he is right. Sorry to burst your I am woman bubble. Every year statistically men are running the other way from you women. If I were your husband I’d be out before the door hit me in the…

        Liked by 1 person

        • theresa says:

          I hope you do so because woman dont want or need man like you in their lives. There is enough shitty man out there lazing around the house not willing to help or maintain the house or even pay for the house and gas water electricity bills despite insisting wife dont work to take care of children instead of paying for childcare

          Like

      • Claire Godfrey says:

        I line with my husband and two stepsons. Nothing I I feel or need is allowable for me to voice. I have quite a few illnesses that are debilitating but things are fine as long as I’m the dutiful wife. But if I ask for a glass to be put in the dishwasher after 10 years of cleaning up after his boys who are now 15 & 18 I’m asking too much. Please help!

        Like

      • Josh Franken says:

        No, it’s what enters the mind of every man as soon as he sees a sight like this. I think though, that it would be fair for the author of this site to say that since he’s a man, he’s focuses on how men can be better.

        That’s only half the coin though. Men need to both make sure they treat their partner the absolute best they can, and they need to demand that their partner treat them well also. All men can use a little advice here and there on how they can do better, but all men also can use some advice here and there to help spot when they are being miss-treated and in knowing what to do about it. This may be what Tim was getting at.

        Like

    • I don’t think I could roll my eyes any harder than I did while reading this. He is speaking from his own personal experience as a man and, to quote him, a “shitty husband”. How the hell is he supposed to do that from a woman’s perspective when he is not a woman? Think a little.

      Liked by 3 people

    • Ellie says:

      http://ronedmondson.com/2014/01/7-ways-a-wife-injures-a-husbandwithout-even-knowing-it.html

      There you go! In the interests of fairness, an article depicting how women can be shitty to their husbands.

      Except, unlike on this post, the women responding to the men are generally sympathetic of the men’s pov.

      I’m amazed when I see how defensive some men are. Too busy with their “But I’m a good guy / I can do no wrong” image to actually try to understand what is being said.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Elizabeth says:

        The ones complaining are using the NoT aLl MeN argument that I can’t stand. The toxic masculinity is wildly apparent in those types of statements

        Like

        • Josh Franken says:

          Why, why did you use those words? Can you please define for me, what is toxic masculinity? Does it differ from masculinity and if so how?

          If not, then why is all masculinity toxic and should we all just be feminine, or is femininity toxic as well?

          Like

      • Jessica Kaufman says:

        Defensiveness is I think the #1 marriage or relationship killer.

        Like

        • Josh Franken says:

          Interesting theory. Why do you say this? I could see defensiveness as a very common fight starter, but I’ve never considered what you wrote, in my life, before I read it here.

          Like

        • Jenn Dipascali says:

          Do you recognize the irony of how defensive you’ve been acting?

          Like

    • Emma says:

      He’s speaking from his perspective. The followong person gave you the perfect reply.

      Like

      • Claire Godfrey says:

        I agree….there are just as many shitty women as shitty men. But the author is sharing and helping women from his perspective. No one is nice all the time, not even me. And my husband is a great man & father but became a shitty husband when me, his wife became sick. And is also tracking his two sons to do the same.

        Like

    • sallyjrw says:

      People write about what they know. Matt knows about shitty husbands. If you know about shitty women then you should write your own blog. Or if you want to search for blogs about shitty women then I’m sure there are already some out there (with people commenting about how men are shitty, too). Something like 75% of women initiate divorce and 90% of divorces filed are no-fault so there are a lot of shitty husbands out there. Clearly, Matt has found a niche that resonates with a lot of people.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Josh Franken says:

        I would make the opposite conclusion. If 75% of divorces are initiated by women, I’d suggest that reflects more on women than it does on men. Maybe I’m miss-understanding what you wrote? Are you really suggesting that when a woman files for divorce, that is proof the husband sucks? Maybe the wife sucks and that’s why she’s filing?

        Some of those divorces, the couple just isn’t right for each other or grow apart.
        Some of those divorces both partners suck.
        Some of them, one sucks way more than the other in terms of providing what the other one needs, and sometimes that’s the man and sometimes that’s the woman.

        You can’t make any meaningful inferences based on the data you provided. You simply reveal your own bias.

        Also, if 90% of divorces are “No fault” divorce, that suggests the couple simply grew apart or it just didn’t work out. There’s no way to know if that happened because they were treating each other poorly or not. Unlike fault divorces (abuse, violence, infidelity) where there is definite suggestion of miss-treatment.

        Unless you have more data to back your opinions up, then I’d suggest you are reading way too far into the data without knowing very much at all.

        Liked by 1 person

    • The writer is trying to educate others so that they don’t end up getting hurt by making the same mistakes that he made. I think that is very selfless and mature of him. Obviously, he is not attempting to fix or cater to everyone’s situation, just those who are in circumstances similar to his past experiences. If you want a shitty woman site so badly, then make your own!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Michelle says:

    Are you single!? I wish I could find someone just like you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Fran says:

      You are spot on when you acknowledge that making jokes at your wife’s expense, especially ones the poke at her fault’s fears and insecurities that if she stay she won’t the woman you married anymore. 30 years of humiliation and degradation in the form of humor if I get upset he just says can’t” you take a joke, your being too sensitive, your overreacting it just a joke” I asked in the very first year to please stop telling a particular story because I was humiliated by it, I asked him repeatedly it fell on deaf ears I told him that I felt betrayed ever time, that it made feel naked in public exposed and unprotected and worse it someone who was supposed to protect me.I know I did something that may have hurt dearly somewhere in the first year and I felt this emotional disconnect I asked was he ok? was something I said or did that upset him all while also trying to convey he was hurting me and I was telling him I really just discovered that I in fact did way back then but he wouldn’t tell then when I asked and he still won’t now. I came from a very dysfunctional family and I wasn’t even aware that couples still have individual boundaries. I violated one of his unaware because he didn’t tell he had boundaries and since I had none or rather I may have had them but I thought telling your partner when they are behaving in way that hurts I establishing one only to him it was funny the story. So I violate a boundary and maybe I had done this several times before he finally said don’t do that it violates my boundaries. So he has knowledge of something I did or said in the very beginning of our marriage that he never told me had hurt him so how would I know what I did. I am so confused because I asked him yesterday if cant tell what I did back then that shut you down emotionally I understand that is your choice can you please tell if i do anything that hurts or upsets you from now on, he said he didn’t know so I asked for a list or outline of his boundaries he thought that was ridiculous I let him know that since I had poor idea of my boundaries I would discover what they and I will share it with him he almost appeared to be annoyed by the idea. Nearly 30 years of something he has held against me and claims he had long since let go, well if he let it then why is he still emotionally disconnected and has no intention of reconnect because that is where he moved the boundary line, at least with me. let me just say men who are not will to admit that they hurt you and apologize and end the behavior even though you have told them repeatedly you cried about to them, even close to begging them to stop but they don’t. God I wish I had realized it wasn’t just breaking a boundary, at some point it was intentional injury, covert emotional and psychological abuse. This one behavior alone can destroy a person. Not any more!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Fran says:

        I gave him a set of behaviors that are toxic and that neither of us should employ them on the other they are covert form of abuse that were more violent than if we were to bashing one another with bats. Some of them I was actually guilty of but only in the first year as soon as my pastors wife informed me don’t speak to him that way it is not loving, I had criticized him think in public. I was unaware how disrespectful that is and I went right away when I found out and apologized I have not since, i hold my tongue I knew how it felt to be put on public display.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Josh Franken says:

          Luckily, both my wife and I, NEVER make fun of each other regarding anything that actually matters. We very lightly poke just a little bit of fun every once and a while, but we both have a pretty good idea what each other are insecure about, and we basically just leave those subjects alone. It kind of just developed naturally in our relationship, and we’ve both realized it and expressed to each other we are grateful for it.

          Liked by 1 person

      • Ευάγγελος Δουβαλετέλλης says:

        If i stay with my Kids its a selfish act that i do because i love them and noone Will love them more. But at the same time i set an example of how bad they should treat their family one Day and what they must expect from their partners… Its a messy situation both ways. And i love my wife But i should not once more retreat to her with no change in her bulling behaviour towards me or the children… Couple therapy could help if we could afford it and she accepted but neither is probable.
        Perhaps time can solve this through ice relations…

        Like

  4. Michelle says:

    How on earth do I get my husband to take me seriously or read something like this without filing for divorce? Nothing I try works he is full of denfenses and justifications and I’m at my wits end. I love him, I want to be with him but it feels like it’s killing me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Nldd says:

      This is how I feel.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jessica Kaufman says:

        Sadly there isn’t a solution other than leaving. They are not going to listen. Have you ever tried to convince an anti-vaxxer or pro-vaxxer of the other opinion, or pro-life or pro-choice, with words? Logic? Doesn’t work. It’s emotional thinking. It’s the same kind of thinking men use when they ignore their wives or partners’ feelings or needs. You’re only option when they don’t listen? Leave. I’m not saying it’s the happy choice. I’m not saying it’ll fix things. Because frankly I don’t think these things can be fixed. The entire relationship is broken. If someone isn’t listening to you, or invalidates you, they are not going to just stop. Because they do not believe they are doing anything wrong, and it’s nearly impossible to convince someone they are doing something wrong. Esp the personality type that already thinks they are always right and invalidates their partner’s feelings. Nothing is going to change while you stay. That’s all there is to it.

        And I’m realizing…..this is our fault. As cis hetero women (I do not know if relationships for other gender types are different, but this article is talking about cis hetero relationships, so so am I). We enable them to do this to us. By staying. By thinking having them is more important than being happy, or that keeping your man around is more important than sanity, or self-respect, etc. We are raised as women in this country to accommodate, to compromise, to smooth things over. And men are raised to take whatever they can as their right. Not every guy is like this obviously, but most take it to heart. And only see the damage they do when they’ve destroyed what they have.

        I’m not saying women don’t engage in bad behaviors. I’m not saying women aren’t responsible for divorce or fractured relationships. I’m saying cis hetero men in general in this country engage in the damaging behavior of dismissing and invalidating their female partner’s needs, feelings, and comments. And we let it happen by staying when we are treated poorly. It’s really our fault. Do they mean to hurt us? No. Does that make it any less damaging? No! And you are not going to fix anyone. You have to focus on what you need, what you want, because he won’t. And the reason many women don’t stand up for themselves is because they think they need a family and a husband to be whole so they get into it much faster than they should, without looking around and seeing what is happening in their married friends’ lives. Oh, that won’t happen to us. Or, no, he doesn’t treat me that way.

        Yet.

        We begin our lives by invalidating our own feelings, so why wouldn’t they continue this?

        Liked by 1 person

    • John says:

      You definitely need to take some action. It sounds like your husband is my brother, heh. Dear god, actually I hope not because you have the same name as my sister in-law.

      I think you need to provide more details though if you want any actual advice.

      Like

  5. Susan says:

    I asked my husband to read your “dirty dishes” article, which I thought was so enlightened of you to write, and I thought would be the break through article he/we needed for me to get through to him. Instead, I heard how yes, every man feels this way and how women should just tell the man what she wants instead of him magically knowing what she wants. In short, he didn’t get it. I tried to have a conversation about what I thought he was missing from said article and the ultimate end of the conversation was this, in my future requests I am to tag along at the end of my request the words “for me” As an example: Would you take out the garbage “for me” I am at a loss…..I cannot express my sadness and frustration. I tear up as I write this. I just don’t know how to get through to my husband. He doesn’t see the pain he causes. Everything you write is spot on about him, but he doesn’t see it. Then what is a wife to do??

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jessica Kaufman says:

      Susan, there isn’t a solution. You can’t fix a person. You’re going to have to leave to stop being disrespected. That’s all there is to it, sadly. Good luck. I’m in the middle of my own terrible mistake, unemployed during a pandemic and trapped with a man who treats me terribly (calls me names, invalidates literally everything I say–he’ll tell me I’m wrong if I say he has larger than average equipment if you know what I mean, which he technically does not that I care, but it’s an example of how far he’ll go to disagree with me, always). I stayed because I was depressed, suicidal, and had no support system. And now I’m trapped. Talking doesn’t do anything, Being mature doesn’t do anything. Being calm doesn’t do anything. Being logical, or thoughtful, or willing to compromise, doesn’t do anything. He immediately becomes upset, acts like I’m the one who is freaking out, when I’m using normal conversational tone and language. When I simply ask him if I can talk about something with him, he immediately freaks out like I’m angry. I’m not. But when he freaks out it sure does stop the conversation, which is either consciously or unconsciously the point for him. I have to sooth HIM when something upsets me (like a cancer scare last year, or an accident that nearly hurt me that wasn’t my fault, etc), have to make sure I don’t get upset or it will upset him and then I’m at fault.

      There is no logic to fix this. The person is broken and isn’t listening. You have to leave. It sucks. But acting like this behavior has some kind of logic to it that you can figure out and address is just compounding the problem.

      YOU are not the problem. HE is the problem. You are not going to stop having a problem until you stop having to deal with him. You’re not going to somehow convince him you’re right, or that he could do something different and it wouldn’t make him the bad guy. The entire issue is he’s not listening. Why do you think more talking will change anything? WHY DID I LOL???? There aren’t magic words to get someone’s attention, no matter what this dude or any therapist might tell you. Some people just do not and will not listen. And you can either stay and live with it, or leave and try to find happiness somewhere else.

      That’s all. It’s a bummer.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Josh Franken says:

        Your dude definitely sounds broken. Normally I try to find the middle road and point out where the writers are right and wrong and make some suggestions both for them and for them to talk to their S.O. about, but your dude sounds dangerous, if everything you are writing is accurate.

        Liked by 1 person

      • willowreed says:

        Jessica K, I really hope you are ok and doing as well as you can. Please be safe and I wish you the best ever!

        Like

  6. […] job of explaining what she really wanted in a way that made sense to me? Yeah, I think so. I think I’ve demonstrated that I truly understand the problem, and I think I could have understood it while I was still married if the message was delivered in […]

    Like

  7. Cerise says:

    Well, i am getting divorced in a few weeks. This is the second time my still husband has plugged the cord. We were married for a year, I lost my father and ended up in debt paying for his unfinished business within that year. I was really devastated. While I dealt with my father’s passing my husband kept pestering me for failing to fulfill my duties and on top of that blamed me for everything (I tried my best but I was really depressed). In his head I was 80% responsible of the failing of our marriage and he had only 20%. I know I am not perfect, but I really didn’t feel he understood me, nor validated me. I addressed him the things I didnt like about our marriage and he would blame shift on me to make me feel awful and pathetic. After taking so many therapies finally I realized that I was married to a man that was a bit of a narcissist. In his words he had no problems and was right all the time. It was draining for me.

    Kind of wish he read your blog before :(

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lyn Te says:

      it could be worse. My husband threw a hard shoe forcefully straight at my head and eyes and send me reeeling in absolute agony. It turn out i had suffered post trauma concussion. Brain bleeding and swollen and it was pure agony and i feel like burning on fire. Yet he go behind my back to my sister text her its my mouth. He cant stand it anymore. He hurt me. i got my sisster texting me so you rich people, because we own 2 houses as cant sell, throw things at each other. hospitalise? feel better? He then tell my kids he had harder skull than me and had no pain. just scratches. This happened when we were on holiday that i procure throughtout from searching booking paying and asking him to buy air tickets or photo copy passport as backup and all the while i had to suffer from his constant shouting and telling me off. On holiday, they upset the baby and i know he was hungry and went downstairs for food. dad gave him a box of pringles which big bro , naughty whack it off his hand and food fell onto floor. child upset, big bro and big sister ignored him and happily eat the breakfast husband cooked for them but not for the 11 year old who was hungry. I came down and console him and told off big bro. They ignore me and claimed its an accident and i told them off for not looking out for youngest who are hungry. Instead they happily eat their breakfast then had a go at me and the child to which i put them back in their place. Husband not happy and big sis walked out the door and husband threw shoe at my head. nobody call the doctor or ambulance and the youngest wanted to call but was stopped by husband and big bro and sis. Needless to say i knew my marriage was over years ago when i was in car accident and because i cant do anything or pay anything, husband was particularly nasty and vindictive, Not take me to hospital, not get food for me. Play the father buy food every weekend he is home and sneer at me and kick my eldest son out because he tried to explain to dad not to waste money. Use the money to pay for house and food cook at home. He got more violent when my kids found out he got little 2 year old girls socks, toys , beddings presents and omega hi q for 2 years old in the back of his car boot and baby food receipt.and his bank account statement for child care. His parents been grooming him since we were married 20 years ago. He tried to leave and i left him with all the kids. so he stayed. His argument originally was, when man leaves, woman have to look after the kids and no job, no money and he wont have to pay. WOW tallk about western culture values and he is chinese.

      Like

    • Josh Franken says:

      You’re lucky he thought he was 20% responsible. At least he’s admitting some fault and that was a starting place. Most people that are impossible admit either zero fault, or about 1% fault.

      I wonder, how much at fault do you feel you were? Do you think it was about 50/50, or do you think maybe it was about 80% him and 20% you?

      Also, if women really want their husbands to “understand” them, most of them are going to be getting divorced. I don’t expect my wife to truly understand me. I do expect her to listen when I need to say something, and I expect that she can understand me on an intellectual level, but men and women are usually so different, that I don’t expect her to truly understand me on an emotional level. Not with everything.

      For instance, men need sex to feel validated, loved and respected. Women need to feel validated and loved (and respected?) to be comfortable with sex. This might not be 100% true, but I think it’s very true of the vast majority of men and women and where as I understand it on an intellectual level, I can’t understand my wife’s feelings on this topic emotionally, because I’ve never had those feelings myself.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Joan says:

    I am contemplating divorce from my husband..its very sad to me..counseling for 1 year but later found out he was only going to “vent” so he would not take his frustrations out on me..Its always been a battle, I could do 100 good things but he would find 1 thing that I did wrong or not good enough..if he did something to hurt me, he would not take accountability but blame in on anything or anybody else..stating I’m overly emotional or crabby and that’s why I am really upset..I recently got a promotion and now make more money than him..he contributes 80 $ per week for groceries, as I do..we ran out if bread, I said he could run up to the store as I was at my son’s concert..he said, I dont give you 80$ per week to have to buy a loaf if bread..idont understand anymore, I’m exhausted..I do not feel connected to him nor happy..confused and do not know what to do:( I told him a month ago, I’ll clean, cook, do everything around the house, I only ask that you treat me right..but here I am again, I screwed up because he didnt have bread

    Like

    • Sandee says:

      He sounds very selfish and rather than own up to issues being his fault, he makes you feel small and incompetent. He is not being a partner in any sense of the word. Time to cut your losses and hold your head high. He is dragging you down, sister!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Maddie476 says:

        I totally agree. Time to cut your losses. You will be happier without him and it’s such a great feeling, you won’t believe it. You’ll wonder why you stayed so long and put up with that crap. You deserve better. It also sets a good example to your kids in that you value yourself.
        Be happy.

        Like

      • John says:

        Sandee, you don’t have enough information here to provide the advice that you just provided. You could be tearing apart marriages that maybe still have a chance to be a great marriage.

        I don’t know where my wife and I will end up in the long run, but our marriage really started very badly, and now 10 years in, it’s really, a really good relationship. She had so many women, and I had so many men, telling her, telling me, “You should end it, you deserve better than this.” We both were getting that advice.

        Here dad is pretty much the only person who gave us any useful advice for actually keeping it together and making it better.

        In the end, I had to man up and figure out how to treat her better, while demanding that she treat me better as well. Honestly, I tried just treating her a lot better at first, and that just made things worse.

        It’s all crazy for me to think back on now, how bad it was at points, and now, it’s a really strong relationship and we have 4 kids together, and we love spending time together with the whole family, and just the two of us.

        My point is, dig into this other persons story a bit more before suggesting they should just cut the line. What your doing is EVIL! Yes, EVIL. Repent of your evil (all evil can be repented from, by just stopping doing it.)

        Seriously. Marriages are important and worth saving. In fact, I think there was a time that the only thing saving our marriage was that both her and I felt that marriage itself was worth it and important.

        I can attest that if you can make it through a really bad fire, you will be all the stronger for it.

        Like

  9. Martin says:

    Hello, From a very shitty husband! This website was forwarded to me by of course my wife. I have read some of the above comments and from a lot of the comments its “leave him” or he’s selfish! You know what a lot of you better look in the mirror and take a long look. I urge my wife to go find someone better all the time. I am tired of her having every holiday off which includes Thanksgiving week, Christmas week, February break, Spring Break, Jewish holidays and the whole summer. She works for a school district and basically doesn’t need to take any annual leave. I work for the Govt.

    I get six hours off a pay period. I am down to seven hours of annual left right now because of all the trips we have taken in the past year and she tells me I didn’t manage it right because I took an extra day here and there and now I have no time. I am tired of her planning events without even asking me. “Oh were going to so and so’s tomorrow night”. First I heard of it! Never ask’s about if Im interested. “Oh I’m taking the weekend, book club is going out to blankety blank. ” Do u mind are you and ——– gonna be okay” meaning leaving my daughter and I at home. Oh I’m meeting so and so for dinner.” Taking her sweet ass time coming home from work while stopping at Kohl’s, TJ Maxx or Walmart. Mean while Tuesday Thursday and Friday mornings I take my daughter to school for Orchestra practice and clubs and I am boarder line late because my wife and daughter are always arguing and we can’t get out of the house. After work I have to rush home to relieve the sitter Monday, Wed, Friday and Tuesday and Thursday pick her up from aftercare. I take my daughter to all the school dances since pre-school into fourth grade, have one next Friday. My wife has never taken her or went with us!

    My job has me working outside in every bit of weather that can be thrown at communities in the northeast. Yes that is my choice but the money is pretty good since I have been promoted a couple of times and I am retired military and it is ten minutes from home. She hires cleaning ladies to come in twice a month and after they have been coming for awhile starts complaining about the job they are doing. We been through a lot of cleaning ladies. I caught one that she picked up from a girlfriend on our outside security cameras coming and going after two hours when she was supposed to be here for four hours and paid a $100 dollars. “Oh stop criticizing me, you find a cleaning lady!” “We have to clean the house because the cleaning ladies are coming and then complains that they are not doing a good job.!

    Complains about my hobbies, I love Ham radio, My daughter has the TV and I web surf and listen to HAM radio and talk with people around the world from my living room while my wife is playing “Word Chums” with relatives.
    I am also told all the time that I am the example my daughter needs for how a man is supposed to treat a woman. In other words if I treat my daughter badly that is what she will expect in how a man is supposed to treat her and of course gravitate to that. Well that shit runs both ways. My daughter yells at me and repeats a lot of what my wife says to me. ” I don’t listen, I’m lazy, I don’t do anything, You spend to much time on HAM radio” My daughter is ten. They are never interested in what I would like to do. “Hey lets go bowling”! Lets go four wheeling on the beach and take the dog” “Let go geocaching and a hike” Then I get told about how we can’t go because of the ticks! You can’t do anything in the northeast if you are going to worry about ticks!
    My wife made a comment to me onetime after I broke my leg at work, broke in two places, surgery, a big deal! She was helping me in the shower and she yells at me and says, “Her life sucks and sucks even more now!” I’ve never forgotten that. She says she worries about me being able to take care of her later in life, Well baby I have the same worries after some of your comments! I have popped positive for Lyme Disease, Rocky Mountain spotted fever. My back is shot from Osteoarthritis and I have a Titanium rod in my leg with screws in my ankle yet I go to work everyday in Rain, Wind and Snow. Thx for listening and let the abusive comments begin!
    Sincerely,
    A very shitty husband

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sandy says:

      Being a planner myself, my poor husband gets 4 hours of PTO per month. And 2 wks vacation. He’s allowed to carry only 16 hours of PTO at the end of the year into the new year. If he has anything left that is. He knows that I am a planner and appreciates that because he would not want to be involved other than packing a suitcase and leaving. it works for us. As far a planning something that does not involve him, I have…with his permission. I love the Seahawks and went with a male friend to see them in their stadium for a 5 day weekend back in 2016. He was more than happy to let me go since he is not a football fanatic. He is into RC cars and cruise nights. Definitely not my thing. But he is more than welcome to attend any such events with my blessing as long as I don’t have to go. The only issues that come up involve his family. They are very needy and selfish people. I keep my distance from them as much as possible.

      It sounds to me like you are running on empty and have no time or energy to do anything for yourself. Sometimes spouses are too caught up in their own issues to even notice or hear their partners’ point of view. A third party may be able to open up the communication between you and your wife. She needs to hear what you have to say and I wish you both the best in trying to mend your marriage.

      Like

      • Martin says:

        Thank you Sandy, Things have seemed to calm down since then.

        Like

      • HH says:

        After reading the comments I think it’s safe to say everyone is shitty in some way. My most recent shitty action- sending a rude text to my husbands cousins wife on his phone. I know that’s terrible and I do regret it. My reasons, which I recognize don’t excuse the behavior-
        1) a few years ago she informed me that I was not to call or text her husband as she did not share him. That being said, during my decade of marriage, she has consistently called and texted my hubs about everything, including things she could contact me about. So that’s a weird double standard. Doesn’t even have the decency to forward texts to both of us, but I’ve blown it off until nine thirty last night. Husband seems to think this is normal.
        2) like I said a decade of marriage. I have reached out to her as a friend and always been pushed away. I have been hung up on once, but she usually just doesn’t answer calls or respond to texts. In social settings she blows past without looking at me. He says that’s just how she is.
        3) she has gone so far as to criticize my clothes and actions and my children who are frankly better behaved than hers ever were though my son can be a handful. My hub says “she has reasons for saying what she says”.

        So all this being said, I believe I could blow her opinions and behaviors off if I felt I had my husbands support. But I don’t. He always defends her, saying she is “stressed” or that “her blood sugar is probably messed up” (she is diabetic). I totally know that it was shitty of me to be texting other people on his phone. After our brief conversation today I did learn my lesson and will not do that again. He is right, it was wrong of me. Shitty. But am I wrong to feel that it is shitty of him to defend others bad behavior and rudeness towards me? There are other times and people but this is the person I have had the most issues with over the longest period of time. Again, I know my actions last night were wrong. But I also feel that his actions over the last ten years have been wrong. I feel like as long as I meet a certain “behavior standard” and keep my mouth shut I’m acceptable, but if I call shit on someone else, then I’m held on trial. This can’t be normal.

        Like

    • Maddie476 says:

      Martin, based on your comments, I’d have to say I’m on your side and think you need to find a way to talk to your wife. Communication is number one and it sounds like you both have different expectations of want you want and need out of this relationship. You both have to pay attention to each other, do common things together and spend time alone as a couple otherwise you are just roommates. Good luck.

      Like

      • Martin says:

        Maddie thank you for your comments. She does call me roomie though but most times she is content to lay around with the dog. Sometimes I think she is just seeing if I care.

        Like

        • Maddie476 says:

          Maybe time to sit and have heart to heart. What do you need from her? Are you still in love with each other. When the kids are gone, how will things be? What will you do together?

          Like

        • Jessica Kaufman says:

          I’m going to ask you what I’ve asked my girlfriends who are with bad men, and that I am starting to ask myself: why do you stay?

          And I guess I’m gonna start in with the shitty comments. Cuz you sound very passive aggressive. It sounds very much like a lot of women’s comments here about their admittedly terrible partners. This is sounding very much like what my boyfriend says when I try to say something has bothered me. It’s immediately with the well this is the terrible thing he always does and has for years, and this is what I meant and this is what I did and I should get credit for it and I shouldn’t have to hear about how my actions hurt you when I didn’t mean them to and I am so overwhelmed why can’t you help me???

          Why would you think this article even applies to you? You are responding as thought the author aimed the article at you, which if things are as you say they are then it doesn’t apply. Then you lash out at your wife, who honestly sounds atrocious, but as if she had written this article and you were defending yourself.

          Which is in a way what is being addressed here. Why are you so defensive? And I’m not implying you are in the wrong here at all. I am honestly asking with concern–why the defensiveness? Cuz you don’t sound like the person this article is being written about, and instead your wife is. You might benefit from someplace to vent, that’s applicable to your situation. There are SO MANY PLACES WHERE MEN BASH WOMEN you shouldn’t find it hard to find compatriots.

          If she’s really that bad, why do you stay? And trust me, I am asking myself that very question, very stridently. Stop being the victim if you are really the victim here. It’s what I’m challenging myself with. Is my BF atrocious? Yes. But it’s on me that I stay. Even without money left or a job, I’ve made a choice. To stay. For financial reasons, but it’s still a choice. So I try to stop complaining and get a support system for myself, work on myself, and find opportunities to leave. Because after awhile it’s no one’s fault but my own that I’m being hurt, because it’s my choice to stay. I have to take responsibility, and I think that’s the start of creating a new and better life for myself. I encourage you to try it. Because I can tell you from personal experience that resentment is just going to eat you alive and ruin your life. And it’s already started with you it sounds like.

          Liked by 1 person

    • Mgoots says:

      You sound like such an amazing husband! I would kill to get that kind of support. Your wife sounds like she doesn’t appreciate you. You don’t sound like a shitty husband to me, especially given the baseline I have… if she can’t appreciate all that you do and respect you, I think you are doing the right thing by focusing on your kids. Keep being a good dad if she can’t accept you trying to be a good husband…

      Like

    • Allison says:

      Hi Martin :)
      Sounds like your wife may be projecting her own behavior on you. Makes you feel like the crazy one and like you’re just angry all the time? It also sounds like you are giving a lot of yourself and maybe it doesn’t feel like a fair or equal investment. Have you ever read anything about narcissistic women? I assure you it could be enlightening given your description of your home life. Good luck:)

      Like

    • Kg says:

      I would be elated to have a husband that does as much as you! You sound like the Male version of me. I take care of everything and it’s just expected. My husband is disabled and I do a ton of stuff daily. I dont compmain… but he sure does! If it helps, just know you are not alone

      Like

    • Toast says:

      This is epic and I’ve kind to f enjoyed hearing this story. I doubt you’re a shitty husband. Your wife sounds like an absolute delight

      Like

    • Lyn Te says:

      hi martin,

      sorry to hear that. It seems that your situation is like mine except i am the woman, not the man. my husband would instead hide in a separate room doing whatever he wanted watching videos, fb, etc etc and never spend time with kids after work or weekend. I do everything under the sun for a marriage apart from paying for food as he insist i stop working to look after kids so that he dont have to pay for childcare. Try to enjoy spending time with your daughter . i know how you feel as i keep running around the household including chauffering, help kids to make friends whilst his mum told him no need to lift a finger. You worked too hard at work. Try talking to your wife on how she relates to you. try to put a little romance back. Hopefully she will come to realise how you feel . My husband is totally uninterested in the marriage unless i can pay for things and do everything as per his parents instructions. At least look on the bright side. you got no in laws from hell destroying your marriage. So perhaps its salvageable. good luck

      Like

    • Lotus says:

      I just saw this, as I’m new to this site. I don’t know if you’re still around or will see this. I just wanted to say, I can understand your emotion in your last line most of all. “Let the abusive comments begin.” I feel like that’s what you’re bracing for. I’ve read your situation. I believe you have done your best to voice valid concerns. You should know that having emotions and worries is not what makes you a shitty husband. I don’t believe you are one. Toxic patterns? Sure. I hope you’ve found a way to advocate successfully for what you need from her. Everything you said was fair in my eyes. I hope you are well. :)

      Like

    • Josh Franken says:

      Hang in there buddy, you’ve got the kind of attitude that can make it through anything.

      So what websites are going to suggest to your wife after this?

      Like

  10. Ashamed says:

    My ex raped me. He did all the shitty stuff you talk about but only unconscious women wrapped in climgfilm unable to breathe while being raped turned him on. I wish I’d left ten years sooner the day I saw the files he downloaded. He actually thought I was his to do what he wanted with and never saw me as a person. He told everyone he was shocked I left and that he always did the right thing. In court his opening remark? Im Christian grey and she is shit in bed. Read the freedom programme material so you do not prop up abusing men

    Like

    • John says:

      Sounds like you chose really poorly. But you’re out of it now and I hope things are better for you now. Sex with cling film sounds really wierd.

      Like

  11. […] about many of the realizations I’d made about how I was showing up in my marriage (spoiler alert: like a piece-of-shit husband), and today, despite being a divorced single guy, people pay me actual money to coach them about […]

    Like

  12. […] you have any idea as to the thought process of a shitty husband (who isn’t a Dick who gets off on abusing his wife) who makes that ok in his mind? That after 9 […]

    Like

  13. Josh says:

    Holy shit. I am a shitty husband. How did I not realize it? I really love my wife and I am terrified of losing her. I googled “why can’t I make my wife happy” and this website came up. The answer to the question seems pretty straightforward… Try. Care. Maybe start with the things she has asked me to do instead of giving her excuses for why I can’t. Thank you for making this website. I hope I still have time to learn to treat her better and earn what I have.

    Like

    • Maddie476 says:

      She also wants you to listen to her, pay attention to her, plan to take her to dinner or a movie. It’s exhausting for women to plan all the social activities or have to tell their husband. We want you guys to put a bit of effort in and do the thinking. We want an equal partner not another child. Not saying you are that way.
      Men and women think very differently. Instead of dismissing our feelings and treating us like we’re crazy, just try to listen and understand.
      Men want to solve our problems but what we really need is for you to listen. Say “how can I help”. The fact that you recognize there’s room for improvement and you’re trying means you’ve already won !! Congrats.

      Like

    • Lyn Te says:

      Hi Allison, I think we should give the wife a chance to say her side. My husband constantly does destructive things at home and turn around to claim it’s my fault with twisting the facts. It’s exhausting. Maybe Martin is an angel. Neighbours and his work colleague think so of my husband. But his parents had groomed him to be an ex and do everything an ex would do. No discipline or boundaries for kids. Undermined all my efforts to teach the kids right and they were beautifully well-behaving and hardworking as a child. Unfortunately, as they get older and my in-laws do not like to hear how well they did academically and outside clubs, they told my husband they don’t like my kids to listen and obey me, their mum. so hubby since then shout, fight, hit me whenever I told them to go read a book or clear their room. Now the older ones being 17 and 20 are just a right prat like him. Refused to eat food unless brought to their room and even then get swear at. dear daddy the one with the job and money. He brings their food to their room and no need to eat in dining room, no need to bring down their own dirty dishes, no need to clean own room. leave it all to mum. Needless to say, their grades dropped drastically and now they even lack the fear of failure or motivation to do better because of their laziness encouraged by daddy. Squandering money we can ill afford because dear daddy loves them and gives them 120 a month to throw around on buying useless things and order takeaway instead of eating home cook food with me and the 2 younger kids. But according to my hubby, he is the good guy, working hard and looking after his kids. But no one sees or blind to his abusive manipulative vindictive vicious personality eg narcissistic behaviour. He gets more and more arrogant as the years go by with more experience and support from his parents to be a shithole. perhaps I should have left years ago instead of still being here because my kids need a father. I wasn’t thinking of myself being shouted at beaten up in order to protect my kids from him. Now he plays the Mr nice guy to them and buys gadgets and ipad with no boundaries and they like it. It’s exhausting and an uphill struggle for me all these years and makes me feel suicidal and want to leave the kids so they can find out his true colours. But he will then shout at them and hit them as i am not there anymore.

      Like

    • Jessica Kaufman says:

      Are you for real? Hmmm, I honestly didn’t think this was possible. Wow, thanks for your comments.

      HOW DID YOU REALIZE THIS?? Seriously, I honestly thought there was no way to change a person’s mind. How did you realize? I don’t want to bash my boyfriend, I just want to get him to start listening to me. He’s a fairly nice person otherwise.

      Like

  14. K says:

    Any thoughts on how to help a husband see these things before it’s too late? I am the wife of a husband like this. While I desire affection, emotional connection, and to feel like someone loves me, I don’t want to have an affair or be with someone else (I have decided that marriage and relationships are not worth the risk and hurt, so if my last efforts to save this marriage fail, I will remain single). My husband used to be a kind, loving man. Now he is cold, distant, critical, belittling, mean and sometimes verbally abusive. He cannot go even 3 days without raising his voice or insulting me. He cannot say what I’ve done wrong, and tells me to “stop it” when I try to discuss our problems with him. Nothing I do is good enough, what he needs is more important than anything else, nothing he doesn’t care about is worthy of his time or attention. I am depressed and constantly anxious to the point of being physically ill, wondering what will set him off next, and trying desperately to avoid angering him. I would like to recover my marriage if possible, but am to a point where I think the marriage might be dead.

    Like

  15. […] was reminded of how egregiously I failed my wife while watching a recent Mindvalley video featuring Jon and Missy Butcher, called 9 Daily Habits […]

    Like

  16. Deacon's mom says:

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom, although sadly you had learned it too late to save your marriage. Everything you’ve shared so relates to my soon to be ex husband….sadly, our almost 26 year marriage has been totaled due to these and more. I hope that your shared wisdom can help to save others from throwing their wedding vows in the trash like my husband did. It is a painful, hurtful process to go through. Betrayal is unforgivable.

    Like

    • Josh Franken says:

      Come’on, it really couldn’t have been that one-sided, could it? You’re telling the whole internet you had nothing to do with the 26 year marriage going to hell?

      I won’t say it’s not possible. If you married a psychopath or sociopath, it could be 100% his fault.

      But if you married a normal guy, then you probably both simply fell victim to our modern culture that promotes divorce and unrealistic expectations of the opposite sex.

      Like

  17. Anonymous says:

    This is exactly spot on in my situation. I’ve been trying to get this through to my husband for a decade now that all I want is for him to take charge, put me first, think and plan in advance…LISTEN….I hate repeating myself 🤦I hate begging for attention or for him to stop and think about “how will this affect her” before doing or saying things. My husband has literally always been my BEST friend, and an amazing father, AND he cooks AND cleans! BUT I tell him all the time that “that right there is an example of you being a shitty husband” when he ignores me, cuts me off, puts his friends and family before me, doesn’t acknowledge the sacrifices I’ve made to be with him (I left him in 15; he begged for a second chance and swore he’d do counseling and focus on changing…got back together in 16 and no promises upheld). I think he thinks I’m joking? Or he just doesn’t care? He’s a great man and I try to be the best spouse I possibly can for him and the best example possible for our children…but he never points out any of the good. My birthday goes unnoticed. Along with anniversaries, mother’s day, Christmas. I’ve always surprised him with something for every occasion…When he says I’m “crazy for doing this!” I jokingly hint back “I do it in hopes that one day I might get a surprise from you for something!” 🤷 He DID attempt to surprise me for my most recent birthday…with a cold-brew coffee maker. I am NOT a coffee drinker…😣 He knew this and said “well you liked your sisters cold brew coffee the other day.so I went and got this”. I mean…I have never gotten a massage, or a facial, or a “night out with friends”…or been surprised with a date night that was planned in advance by him…he has never once taken me on a date. I’ve never gotten anything hand made/written from him or anything he could have my kids do for me (thank God for their daycare that makes sure these are acknowledged!) I do/ have done every bit of this for him…and more…I fought and won full custody of his oldest kids for 7 years, I fought and won him getting child support dropped that he paid almost $1k mo for, I fought and won for him to get his 15 year old record expunged, I have gotten him almost every job he’s had and now have started his own business for him and doing extensive amounts of hours of marketing and preping….I have sunk a decade of my life into him and US. Like I said, he’s amazing is every way possible…besides connecting with me as a husband and communication! I asked him to read this article…we’ll see if he does….

    Like

    • Maddie476 says:

      I’m sorry for your pain. I think you have a roommate / extra child. Stop doing everything you are doing for him. Look after your kids and yourself and that’s it. From my experience, men have delicate egos. Don’t tell him it’s another example of shitty husband. For every tiny think he does, you have to tell him it’s awesome, how much you appreciate what he does etc. It might be worth a try. I didn’t have the patience for that. I’m separated. My choice.
      Life is too short to not be happy.

      Like

      • Jessica Kaufman says:

        If you have to coddle your partner, you will always have to. Is that what anyone wants for their lives, an emotionally fragile child who has to be protected from emotional life? That has to be propped up with excessive praise for doing something typical?

        No. If you have to basically lie to your partner (oh wow, that’s the most awesome thing anyone’s ever done for me, instead of thanks for doing that) then you need to leave. You want a kid? I don’t. I love children, I just don’t want to raise any, and now I’ve got a 40 year old one. You (and I, by staying) are contributing to the problem, though I don’t think you realize it. All people need to be adults when they are adults. If you have to treat them like a child it’s not an actual, honest, mature, healthy relationship. And you should leave. Have enough self-respect to say, I deserve better and I won’t stand for less on my life.

        You deserve better.

        It’s like the whole, well she tempted me into assaulting her, it’s not my fault thing. Same pathetic logic. Don’t fall into that trap. Force men to be responsible for their actions, or leave. No one wearing tight jeans, no one who is drunk, is forcing a man to rape her, yet that is so often the logic–it’s victim blaming. Somehow she’s at least partially responsible for what someone else has done. WTF is that?! This is a soft version of that type of logic. You shouldn’t have to pander to have a relationship. He is not a victim of his own inability to communicate. Men should be able to control themselves.

        Women, too, obviously, but this is an article about shitty husbands for resentful and frustrated partners. So obviously that’s the focus of my comments.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Josh Franken says:

      My Grandma used to say, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” Her and her husband had a great relationship from everything I saw.

      Like

    • Josh Franken says:

      What the heck? You actually tell your husband, “this is an example of you being a shitty husband.”? That’s only going to take whatever bad thing he did and either turn it into a fight, or cause him to shut down.

      If you really level that at him when you don’t like his behavior, then I’m going to suggest that you have impulse control issues and you need to seek some counseling for that.

      He’s definitely trying to make you happy. He paid attention to the fact that you liked the coffee at your sisters and he bought you a coffee maker that would make you the same type of coffee. If you were just being polite to your sister about liking it, and you actually didn’t like it, that’s not his fault. This is proof he is literally paying attention to you. Give the dude a break. Have you ever heard, it’s the thought that counts?

      You say he’s your best friend, and amazing father and he cooks and cleans. Sound like a fucking saint to me. Can I marry your husband?

      I think you are a victim of the modern cultures promise that you can, “have it all!” You can’t have it all and it sounds like you have it pretty decent.

      Either learn to make it work, or cut the guy off simply so you can quit torturing him. I can’t possibly imaging why he begged to get back with you.

      Dear lord, thank you for my loving and supporting wife. She is a saint compared to ever women I’ve read in this comments section.

      Really, really, ma’am, you have to understand that you and your husband are just very different. But different can still work. There’s a book that is about the 5 ways we feel loved. It has something like that in the title. Read it and then ask him to read it. Dear God don’t send him to this sight. This sight is good for little more than entertainment.

      Anyway, it’s clear that getting gifts and surprises make you feel loved, and that’s one of the 5 ways listed in the book. Most people most strongly associate with 1, 2 or 3 of the 5 ways, and 2 or 3 of them, they could care less about.

      So while getting surprises, gifts and parties make you feel loved, they don’t make him feel loved. Hence, you do for him what you want him to do for you. But which of the 5 ways does he feel loved. I bet if you read the book, you’ll say to yourself, “Oh my goodness, my husband does action 2 and 3 for me all of the time. I bet this is how he feels loved, so he assumes it’s how I will feel loved.”

      I bet you anything that he does for you what makes him feel loved. BOTH OF YOU, BOTH OF YOU need to say to yourselves, what makes the other one feel loved and the do that for the other.

      But since you are here, you are going to have to be the one to take the lead. Read the book, find out what makes him feel loved and do it for him. Then let him know you read the book and you now understand he needs this from you and you want him to understand, you need this from him.

      It won’t be easy for him by the way. I am terrible at buying my wife a birthday gift in enough time to get it to her by her birthday. I just hate shopping period and so I always put it off.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. […] common for people to be surprised by the idea that I didn’t know that I was a shitty husband, while I was being one during my nine-year marriage. People, I think, struggle to believe it, […]

    Like

  19. cinemachine27 says:

    Long story short, every article I share, every book I beg him to read, every time I cry for love and give ideas how to help me feel loved turns into a deflect and blame game.

    These letters are articulate, easy to read and relatable.
    Looking back, do you wish your wife access to and had sent you a link to read something like this?

    Thinking about sending the link but am exhausted of the repercussions of trying.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      I am sorry to tell you that Me from 6-7 years ago more or less responded as your husband is responding. It’s soooooo nuanced and emotionally/psychologically complicated why this happens. Please don’t chalk it up to morally bankrupt neglect. He REALLY believes he’s being treated unfairly, as if you’ve moved the goalpost after the rules of the game had been established before you started playing.

      He doesn’t SEE the pain you feel because identical circumstances and/or actions by you don’t cause him to feel them.

      This is the part guys commonly miss in this scenario. They make the (logically sound) argument that something is occurring and you’re attaching negativity to that is NOT negative for them. Thus, you must be confused or mistaken.

      They suffer in the emotional intelligence and empathy department, forgetting and/or being blind to the idea that they too can hurt from things that don’t hurt others.

      If their best friend dies, and they feel horrible about, and then they overhear a group of stranger complaining about the inconvenience of having to wait for the funeral procession, he’s probably going to be upset about their total lack of respect and empathy.

      But really, it makes sense for them to care about the moment relative to their own lives. Whoever died was a total stranger to them.

      Perspective is such a powerful thing.

      He simply needs to conclude (accurately) that things hurt you, literally, that don’t hurt him.

      Then he needs to care enough to learn what these things are and how to avoid them because NOT hurting his wife is a core value and pragmatically bad for your relationship.

      It shouldn’t be this hard.

      But it’s this hard.

      He needs to see the pain. Possibly feel it. So that his brain and body recognize harmful things as harmful things, which can then be avoided moving forward.

      I wish there was a textbook way to do it.

      He needs to be willing to invest the time and energy to understand before he can understand.

      Any instance of you suggesting he needs help is only reinforcing his emotional reaction to what he interprets as you saying he’s not good enough.

      He needs to know he’s good enough, no matter what anyone else thinks.

      He needs to know you think he’s good enough.

      And he needs to know that all of these efforts from you are NOT to criticize, or get him to change, or to in any way suggest he needs help.

      You are simply trying to communicate what’s inside of you clearly and effectively, and wanting to learn how to understand him better as well, because once you both approach disagreement with curiosity and a cooperative effort to solve the mystery together and understand each other, you won’t feel hurt like this anymore from many of these moments, and he won’t feel attacked and criticized when he understands you’re making a bid for connection, and not trying to hurt him.

      Rooting for you. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      • highlander225 says:

        I really appreciate your straightforward and honest perspective. It’s not what a lot of us want to hear but the truth isnt ever pretty.
        Ty

        Liked by 2 people

      • Jessica Kaufman says:

        This is an honest question:

        How does your comment not contribute to the continuation of the problem? It’s more more more him. *He* needs more pandering and help to see the damage he is doing? Really? Do you think women shouldn’t wear tight clothes because then a man might lose control and hurt her, which would then be partially her fault?

        I am not being sarcastic. I am being very straight. You are requiring the women in these relationships to have more responsibility for it then the man. Which is EXACTLY where this issue starts.

        How is it her responsibility to not hurt him when he’s HURTING HER AND IGNORING HER AND DISMISSING HER WHEN SHE TELLS HIM THIS? You effectively accuse her of not approaching a disagreement with a cooperative effort, when I’m guessing she has. I certainly have. I have said those EXACT words to my BF, I’ve said them calmly and in a loving tone. That does not ever change his response. If someone isn’t listening, there isn’t anything you can do to make them. They have to want to.

        Your comment here and some elsewhere seem very much like victim blaming to me.

        Can you explain to me how it’s not? I’m not trying to just throw names or accusations. I’m very serious. I feel like you haven’t learned perhaps as much as you think, and are still expecting women to shoulder the majority of the emotional burden of the relationship.

        Have you read about how women still shoulder most of the emotional labor in families and relationships? Your response seems like an example of that very concept.

        Like

      • Josh Franken says:

        Wow Matt, way to help women help themselves. Every women’s blog should probably hire.

        Like

  20. […] then, of course, in all of my blind ignorance, my marriage continued to slowly—very slowly—deteriorate, one dinner or car-ride conversation like this at a time, until it felt like my wife hated me, and […]

    Like

  21. Shana says:

    Married 19 years…and ready to leave. We are both college grads and career focused…but, no kids because he told me ‘after’ we married that he would divorce me if ever got pregnant. I was taught to stay together by my parents’ and grandparents’ example…all married 50 plus years…so, I never got to be a mom. I have tried so hard to be perfect for him..stayed slim and fit, work hard and earn a great income, bring in healthy foods, be generous and thoughtful..go to his family events…but I have endured being last in my husband’s life all this time, thinking I had to be strong and be very good at being alone. He takes week long trips with his buddies multiple times throughout the year, but allows me only a few hour get away for our anniversary. He often spends 3 day weekends at our vacation house …just sitting on the front porch. He is a hoarder and never cleans, so I go to the guest house once a year am revolted at the spider webs and filth. We both work full time, but I am the only one who works on our house and yard while he spends hours each evening in his recliner playing on Facebook or buying something online…and ignoring me. He is a retired officer with a PhD, and is successful n his work..but he is a coward…too terrified to travel to another country. I have traveled alone to other countries and want to travel more, but he becomes irate when I mention him going, too. He talks down to me and constantly corrects me. Every decision has to go his way,or he becomes angry and verbally abusive. The thing that upsets me the most is that he is disrespectful to my elderly parents. I am finally fed up and realizing I cannot win…I am afraid of ending up alone…but alone and miserable with him is worse …just need to learn how to leave without him inflicting extreme damage to me…

    Like

    • highlander225 says:

      Shana I know how you feel. Yesterday, the day you posted your comment was my birthday. I’ve had 19 birthdays come and go with my husband. Out of 19 of them I can say that only one was given any thought or attention by him that made it special or memorable. The fact that there was only one is a large part of why it is even memorable. Not so much the particular day and what was planned. Yesterday sucked. It fucking sucksd. And it wasnt like I didnt already know it was coming. I knew! Had 364 days of notice ahead of time because last year sucked just like this one. So did the one before that and so on. I really dont want to go into all the details surrounding my shitty circumstances. Just like all the other comments here from various wives and husbands we’ve all got the same ahitty husbands and wives in our lives who dont give a shit. And they will either figure it out after it’s too late or they wont figure out anything because they just dont care.

      Like

      • Shana says:

        Highlander225, happy belated birthday…sorry to learn it was not so happy. My birthdays have been largely ignored, as well. I have learned to plan a day for myself and not expect him to care. Have you tried telling your husband what you wanted? I have but was always made to feel terrible …so I stopped talking.

        I do not understand how the one person who is supposed to love us can treat us with so little respect or regard. Total strangers and even co-workers treat me significantly better than my husband does. I have taught myself to never ever expect anything kind or thoughtful from him…otherwise I am setting myself up for disappointment. Isn’t that awful?

        I have read articles in which the writer claims the reason a person is treated poorly is because the person allows it. Other articles tell you to be generous and thoughtful and your husband will reciprocate. I don’t know about you, but I have tried taking a stand and being generous, and he does not care either way.

        It is like we are roommates. I went on several overseas business trips alone and he never once emailed or called to make sure I was okay. I was amazed at the few times I arrived home at 2am from the airport and he left the porch light on for me. He plans trips with his boys without ever coordinating with me. I usually find out about his plans when he is talking with a friend. If I ask him about his plans, he becomes irate….as in, how dare I ask! It makes me want to be the same way….but I do not want to become a jerk like him. Asking him about anything is “prying”..and I am too lowly a life form to be considered in any of his affairs. Lol

        Is it us or them? Are we wrong to “expect” to be treated with kindness and thoughtfulness? Should we be telling them what we want, or shouldn’t they at least be trying something? Maybe it is true that men only put effort into chasing a woman, but stop trying once they catch the woman.

        I hope things work out for you…

        .I don’t like the idea of divorce, but I despise more the thought of being treated like trash for the rest of my life….I have really tried, but I realizing I am already alone so much that at least if I leave him, I have a chance at happiness …staying with him is climbing onboard an iceberg that is floating out to the sea…

        Like

        • sad says:

          Hi Shana, I feel like you are telling my life story. In my story, i have in laws who constantly call my once loving husband to leave me and get rid of our kids right from day one of our marriage. It all started with mil screaming crying on her so call death bed if he marry me and he went ahead saying love will overcome everything. 20 years down the line, he is doing everything his parents said or they will die. Hence i am in the same board as you and everyone else. Animosity, war zone at home, refusal to sleep in same room. seem to be smiling when i tried to communicate and say how lonely how difficult it is. Suppression financially keep saying he is paying for it all despite me giving up my career as he wanted which i now found out was part of his mother’s scheme. no job, no money, husband leave me with kids and go have affairs all because she is jealous her son love me to bits. I cant turn him back to us no matter what i did. Twice before, he was nice and being good husband and father, his dad end up in hospital and have his fake sister, neighbour calling him to be obedient or his father will die in hospital. Apparently he came out with an ear aid!!! second time he was smarter. father in law admitted to hospital because cant breath and now my husband is a real asshole, bitchy like his mother and nasty to me all the time, lying about me not looking after kids or kick out kids etc etc. It is exhausting living with such a narcissist. He wont do up the house or help around the house or pay to do it up but expect me to do it up or pay for it without a job. I even have to pay for roof over our head and bills . Its eating right through my savings. tried getting a job but no luck. Behind every shitty husband is another shitty person who encourage such behaviour. I had found that in our early years. when we have family friends getting together, he is a better man but now all our friends disappeared after finding out how he behave to us. I not only lost my marriage and husband to my sadistic mil who enjoy watching the breakdown between us and my husband, but also my friends and my kids friends too.

          Like

    • Sam says:

      Shana I totally can relate…I’ve been married for 32 years I married very young …2 adult kids and come from the same type of family…the wives stay with the men to death do them part no matter what they have done to them…I have been very unhappy since 2005 I have not found the courage to leave mainly because of my grandkids all they know is papa and momo and I just don’t want to let them down…….. my husband has been unfaithful to me in the past…I do all the things he wants to do but when comes to me making a decision on stuff that I like to do he comes up with all kind of excuses…we have been on fabulous trips together but he ruins the trip every time with his bad attitude and when he does decide to do anything with me that I like to do his attitude is so uglyyyyy and stiff … he stays on the computer all the time just to communicate with him is a task…I have caught him on porn websites several times I do feel he is a porn addict he is always sneaking and he tries to click the porn page when I’m passing by him buts he’s too slow…he’s a hoarder as well and I like stuff organized and neat…I am so tired of being so lonely there are no hugs… kisses or sex… we haven’t been intimate for almost two years but at this point in my life I prefer him not to touch me at all…yes Ive been wanting to leave but I don’t have the courage and don’t want to be lonely either… I really have forgotten what is to be a true woman… dying inside…

      Like

    • BCMicro says:

      He is not a catch. Seriously, divorce him. Divide your assets. Date multiple men or women; whatever floats your boat. There is life after 50 or 60; go for counseling; reinvent yourself. Start living your life on your terms.

      Like

    • Josh Franken says:

      Sounds like this guy sucks. I say move on. And you’ll see if you read through this comments thread that usually I’m telling the women to work it out.

      Like

  22. […] I think this trend will continue until guys jointly commit to not doing all {} Shitty Husband things most people (accidentally! ) do, OR reject relationships with girls, forsake family life, and move all-in on A.I. Ex […]

    Like

  23. […] If you respect your own beliefs and the image of your moral/intellectual superiority more than you value other people, then you are probably going to have a lot of conflict in your conversations and relationships. I used to believe everything I thought and felt was super-legit, which meant anyone opposing any of my super-legit thoughts and feelings must be wrong. That made me kind-of an asshole, and is ultimately the root cause of my divorce. […]

    Like

  24. Hello, Im married to a Shitty Husband!!!Selfish, ungreatful, you name it.We have been married for 22yrs.While he was incarcerated, I ewas there through out all of it surgeries, even to the point of death,.I was at his bedside if he went to hospital and they called I dropped everything to be there for my husband.Now he want be there for me abd I have gotten to the point all I can do is throw hus failures to himself and me bavk at him.He has been in an emotional affair for about a year and I think thats worst than having a sexual affair.We have grown apart but Im still was the obe trying to make it work.He will say you want to do this anywsy leave or have sex with someone else.Thats to jystify his bullshit, I’m really beginning to hate him and I dnt want that to happen.Im fed up and Im just ready to end this Im notboosting his Ego, Im not going to Pacify, his bullshit!!! I say fuck him better luck to the next one.Ive wasted to much time on a grown ass man that only thinks of himself.I know theres better out there for me….

    Like

  25. Casey G says:

    I hate my husband and his parents.They are all immature,nosy,meddling and toxix.Nobody wants anything at all to do with these nuts!I ignore all of them and they can kiss my ass.Thank you,Casey G,Chicago,Illinois

    Liked by 2 people

  26. Maria says:

    I have a shitty husband too. I try to make things better, for both of us but no matter what I do or say, at some point i end up getting more frustrated, more depressed, feel more alone and then I tell him how tired i am of SHIT and how little or no effort he makes to make me happy.

    Like

  27. jmsouth says:

    For the men and women leaving the same sentiments I have of the other one not listening, I feel you. My husband and I have been married for 28 years. He’s always been a good provider and a great father. The first 10+ years were great “normal” years with growing our family. The next 10+ years, I (not knowing it at the time) dealt with a narcissist and silent treatments that would go for days. Me, being clueless, would grovel and ask what I had done for him to stop talking to me, with no reply. Everything that went wrong, or was difficult or that caused stress was all done TO him, always the victim. Fast forward to about 5 years ago when I began the process of premenopause….eye opening, overwhelming, self empowering, self evaluating, and oh wait >>> GROWING A BACKBONE! At this point I started to hear and see more clearly the way he would talk at me, the way he would manipulate situations in his favor, the way he invalidated and trivialized my concerns and especially when I would point out his part, holy shit did I learn how fkn crazy I was (according to him). Everything I would say or explain, in the kindest way possible, whether it was about us, about business (we own/operate together 24 years), about the kids, it didn’t matter, I was wanting to cause dysfunction in our marriage.
    I have told him over and over that our (thoughtful) communication skills SUCK! I am admitting guilt, 50% of the problem is me. His response is that we talk all the time so the problem is not our communication, it’s me and I’m getting too difficult to deal with, mostly because I keep complaining that we have a problem. Get what I mean? I try to explain that when I am trying to tell him how his comments invalidate what my concerns are about us and our marriage, he tells me that I’m too difficult to please and that I need to REALLY listen to myself.
    I have stopped acknowledging his “I am the victim here” mentality, I shut down verbally and emotionally when he starts it. I have told him that I have been doing a lot of soul searching to take a good look at myself, I told him that I have been doing a lot of research about stress in marriage pertaining to communication failure, yet he’s done neither and nothing.

    I printed the article you wrote “8 ways good people invalidate their partners and ruin relationships”, I wrote a note on it saying “I have been searching and reading many articles about marriages that fall apart. I am also not happy with how much we’re picking at each other. This article applies to both of us and I feel it is one of our root problems, communication. Please read it with an open mind.” Before I reached out to hand it to him I told him that I care very much about our marriage, that I am trying. With a scowl on his face, not looking at me, he reached out and took it from my hand and tossed it to the side of his desk. I really don’t have any faith that 1) he’ll read it, and 2) that he’ll read it with an open mind.
    Technically we have 7 more years till we pay off our home and business debt, until then I feel I am stuck.
    Oh did I mention he has depression? Severe depression, that I am grateful he takes meds for. I have researched depression a great deal and have learned a great deal. But when you add that ingredient to a narcissist, you get a LOT of “everything in the world is what’s wrong and I’m the victim”. I’m spent. We have an appointment in January with a marriage counselor, of which he thinks is a waste of time. The appointment might just end up being for me, and I’m just fine with that, I’ll take it!

    Like

  28. Linda says:

    Are you kidding me. Ditch your parents for awhile. You are a woman now. Stand on your own. Isn’t that what female empowerment is all about for the last 50 years?

    Like

  29. […] I wasn’t trying to be a shitty husband. I loved the woman intensely. […]

    Like

  30. Shele says:

    Top reason husbands quit fucking their wives? And go………. My husband hasn’t touched me voluntarily in over 6 years. And go……..

    Like

  31. […] long described the end of my marriage as death by a thousand paper […]

    Like

  32. Shanna says:

    Your words are comforting because I am married to what society would say is a ‘nice’ man, and our marriage is going down in flames! You hit the nail on the head. I fear, though, that he will not ever care. And for my children’s sakes I am in it until death. I just hate that it makes me wish I’d die and get it over with. Thank you for recognizing the issue with apathy. I wish you better love in the future!

    Like

    • Jessica Kaufman says:

      Have you thought about the fact that you are actually hurting your children by showing them that people should stay with partners that treat them poorly?

      You shouldn’t stay in it because of your kids, all you are doing is perpetuating this cycle, by showing them that this is how people should live and treat each other. You are teaching your sons to treat women poorly and your daughters to take it.

      Like

  33. Raymond says:

    I started to read this at first and rolled my eyes — “Here we go, another saviour article from some dick’ead that’s realized the error of his ways and now thinks that all men are the same as him”

    I’ll be honest though and say I ended up enjoying it. All of it. Mostly because I can relate to quite a lot of it. Some of the stuff you mention here has happened to me — most notably the part where telling her that her problems aren’t that much of a worry because they aren’t a huge issue to me.

    Thankfully I caught ours in time. I started listening to her. She’s a frightfully, and often brutally honest woman — but she was at the point where she stopped talking to me because I wasn’t listening.

    Then one fateful day we talked and I listened finally, and I realised that I hadn’t been listening at all, ever. The world had me centre stage and I had forgot to include her. So from then on I began to listen. And anytime I spot a change in her I ask.

    I also listen when she say’s I’d like you to do x, y and z, because they are important to her, even if it’s not on my “to do” list. Her needs are 100% as important as mine.

    Happily Married 11 years now — and going stronger than ever.

    I chuckled about the preachy writing stage. Have my very own blog, and I went through that stage myself — the preachy part where I told men to listen up, but then I sort of realised that not every man was like me, and if I wanted to talk authentically to people then I’d have to start telling my story and letting other people judge for themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jessica Kaufman says:

      How did you actually realize? I feel like you described my relationship, only my BF has not figured it out and I would leave the second I could. But I’d prefer to just have him start listening to me and validating what I say.

      Like

      • Raymond says:

        Sorry. I didn’t tick receive notifications. I didn’t expect to get any! It was my job funnily enough. I went into management in mental health and I had to start applying the theory I had learned. It changed my life, and my marriage.

        Next time he brushes you aside – try saying, “I feel like you don’t value my opinion anymore” and when he asks why, tell him why.

        It’s one of the most common causes of marital failures. Communication.

        Like

        • Jessica Kaufman says:

          What I am realizing is that it’s not actually communication that is the problem with most relationships. It’s the willingness to listen. Every suggestion I’ve seen here for talking to a partner who is hurting them, or whatever, sounds great and logical! And that’s the problem. There’s no magic, or logical, combination of words that will “work” if someone just isn’t listening. If I tell my boyfriend he’s not listening to me, or he’s hurting my feelings, he’ll say he’s not. Full stop. Doesn’t matter *what* is said. He’s only hearing what his inner dialogue tells him. Ever tried to discuss data with an anti-vaxxer? No point. People are going to believe what they want to, and they will use any and all info to support their position. It’s about winning rather than fixing.

          There’s no *fix* for that. All you can do is leave. Maybe that will jar their thought process. But prob not.

          Like

          • Raymond says:

            You’re very right. It’s like with anything in Mental Health. If they don’t want to change, then they won’t. You can scream until you’re blue in the face. There is no magic fix.

            Are you listening to him also?

            I ask because one thing I found is that my wife wasn’t listening to me either, and whilst she was hurt and upset, I was too. Neither of us were talking to each other properly.

            Her anger at me was blindsiding her to my anger at her, which sort of went in a huge feedback loop lol

            Not saying this is you but it’s something else to consider also.

            Like

            • Jessica Kaufman says:

              Lol that’s very similar to what he does. Make it about what I’m doing lolololol. Thanks. Very supportive lolololol and that’s exactly how “communication” stops working. When one party stops listening to the other and starts talking about their own agenda. Cuz I can’t possibly know what I’m taking about. I can’t possibly have already tried pretty much everything. Yup, I’m actually the one not listening to him. Sigh. But glad you got that disclaimer in there, very meaningful to cya like that lol.

              This is EXACTLY how men stop listening to women. Throw it back on them.

              Liked by 1 person

          • highlander225 says:

            Not listening is definitely a part of communicating. Its NOT communicating which is where the problems originate. Not doing what needs to be done is a sure fire way of screwing it all up eventually.

            Like

    • chassidy jenkins says:

      This is the most truthful thing I have ever read. I am so tired in my marriage right now. Everything you said is exactly how thing are. My husband would never listen or read this. I honestly wish he would so he would try to understand where thing date going wrong. I don’t know what else to do. He is seriously close to losing me and his kids. When that happens I won’t ever look back.

      Like

  34. […] This is not a specifically male trait, but in my experience it most commonly shows up with the guys in heterosexual relationships, just as it did in mine. […]

    Like

  35. Jennifer says:

    I cried when I read this because I thought it had to be all me. I’m overreacting, sensitive, hormonal, etc. That’s what I hear or just dismissal of my feelings. Now I am sure my marriage is the living he’ll I’ve been thinking it is. I can not believe how selfish one person can be. I have wasted 18 years of my life and deeply regret it.

    Like

  36. […] was a shitty husband during and after my wife giving birth to our […]

    Like

  37. Takiyah Chery says:

    I thank God I found you and this post, I will definitely reach out to you😢

    Like

  38. Jessica Kaufman says:

    So men who see themselves in this article, how did you realize you were this guy? What actually WORKS to get someone to listen? What got you to listen?

    Like

  39. ljk says:

    If I hear one more women say she’s trapped and can’t leave I won’t have any hair left. After reading so many articles like this and reflecting on my own 50 year marriage I am completely convinced that people should only stay together for a maximum of 10 years. Men are completely bored and spoiled and complacent beyond that time. It sucks for the kids for sure but your have to make a choice. Either get out or shut up please. The women drone on and on saying they can’t do anything about it. Duh? No you can’t. That just the way men are with the extremely rare exception. Life is shorter with each passing moment. Either take what you think you can get and make the most of it or move on PLEASE!

    Like

  40. Betty says:

    I feel like my marriage of 38 years is falling to pieces. My husband and I have a shared office and sometimes I’ll say something to him when we’re on our computers, and he’ll not acknowledge what I said. My comment meets stony silence. This happened last night, and I was very hurt. It ended in an ugly argument with him becoming overly defensive, turning everything around and accusing me like always. He never takes responsibility for anything but always blames me and acts like I’m being ridiculous.

    He hasn’t told me he loves me for many years even though I’ve told him this hurts. He never says I look nice or anything positive about me. I have an online business, and I’m a writer. He never encourages me.

    Sometimes it seems like he’s emotionally disconnected from me.

    He rarely helps with the chores. I make three gallons of tea each day, and he used to chip in and make the tea sometimes. Now it’s a rare.I do all of the housework, make his lunch for work, and bottle up his jugs of tea. Sometimes I feel like a 1950s wife.

    I have a lot of medical problems, and he underplays and ignores their existence–some type of denial. He never wants to take me to the doctor and complains about the cost of my prescriptions. He works in a high-risk field for catching covid-19, and I have COPD. I’ve told him that I doubt I would survive the virus. Yet he sneezes without covering his mouth and after he does, he does nothing to try to sanitize the area. He seems to have little regard that I might catch it.

    I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do. I just know that I’m unhappy with our relationship.

    Like

    • Sm says:

      This sounds like my life.. I am a traditional wife 1950s cooking cleaning all household chores and taking care of kids we are empty nesters and help take care of grandkids … I feel created this monster of a husband I have been married for 32 years and we are sexless..very sexless no touch hugging or holding hands…I want to be loved sucked and fox’s. he never admits he’s wrong for anything even when he is… never apologizes… he do not help with chores…or even honey do’s a man should do to his home… I have done everything myself since I’ve been married to him… I do everything he likes but when I suggest to do something I like he has so many excuses…since COVID19 I have ask him to be more cautious when visiting his friends in the work garage.. he’s not exactly a shower person…I am so freaking unhappy and so disconnected from him I know he must feel the same way… we have a lot history together and been through a lot together and I think that’s why I haven’t left and I think that’s why a lot of women in my opinion who have put in all these years of time and energy… tears and so much emotion that I still rely on HOPE that things will change…😢

      Like

      • Didi says:

        I so much feel like you both are talking about my life in a nutshell but have been married just 6yrs unlike you both over 30yrs, my question now pls, has he always been like this? Cos I dont know if I can survive 30 yrs like this if he doesnt change … it hurts me so much cos I really love him but he never appreciates me, cant even remember when last he said he loves me.

        Like

  41. Didi says:

    Am so glad I came across this article, am sending it to my husband but doubt he wld read it going to beg him though cos almost everything here describes him, I just wish he wld listen to me more, care and love me like I deserve. Have sat with my husband to complain my hurts severally he pretends he is listening and goes on doing the exact opposite of what I said, he has been unfaithful in the past and am sure he still is and am also trying to still love him esp bcos of our son I dont want him to grow without his dad, I am married but yet very lonely its slowly killing me that I have developed health conditions cos of it.
    I recently asked my husband what I meant to him and he cldnt answer but instead started playing d victim which he does regularly he never admits his fault even wen I spell it out to him it always has to be I made him act that way, my inlaw’s side is another story cos none of them like me simply bcos I cant kiss MIL ass as she wants to be in control and my wonderful husband see absolutely nothing wrong with his family and cant or has never stoop up for me where they are concerned but tells me he cant choose me over his mother..

    Am not asking him to choose just to set his priority right and still let me know am a little bit important to him,I really dont think that’s too much to ask, I question myself most of the time bcos my husband can go days without speaking to me for reasons best known to him and when I ask he always says nothing is wrong. I think i might be gradually falling out of love with him even though i dont want to. Am so confuse as to how someone who promised you heaven and earth can start treating you like u dont exist or dont matter. I have no one to really express myself to as my sisters are late and I cant tell my mum in details it wld break her heart.
    I am really frustrated as nothing I do seems right anymore, he hardly helps around the house though he knows I have a back condition he just doesnt care as long as it has to do with me and also self isolating himself.

    Like

  42. R says:

    Thank you for this. It doesn’t fix my marriage but at least I know I’m not alone in my thoughts.

    Liked by 2 people

  43. K says:

    I found this post in a google search of “I’m angry and I feel like my husband does NOTHING”. He doesn’t really do nothing, he gets up and goes to work everyday and he does actively participate in our son’s life. He occasionally decides to clean the bathroom or do the dishes. Most of the time I feel it all falls on me though. I manage our finances, go grocery shopping, do the dishes, laundry, cook etc etc . . . We have spent very near to 10 years together, on and off. The last 3 we’ve been married, faithfully. We got pregnant, and were very happy about it. We decided the best thing to do was get married. I dont regret it, but it was not how as a childs I imagined my life going. He doesnt share his innermost thoughts with me. We spend very little time together, and when we do there is often silence. I feel like it’s a. mistake to open up to him because of how I am recieved. It’s all very disconcerting. . . I had quit school when I found out we were going to be parents. I worked part time throughout the pregnancy, I didn’t feel right not contributing financially to our life. I stayed home for the first year while my husband supported us. We both agreed this was best for our child, but still I felt guilty about not pitching in with the money end of things. Around the time of our sons 1st birthday I got fed up with the financial ends of things. We didn’t have enough money to make ends meet and also plan a birthday party, so I decided to go back to school. It’s been a struggle to keep up with all of the responsibilities I had already taken on, ontop of being a parent and student. I wish I had more help from him. I have expressed this to him many many times. It ends up in either a fight, or with the promise of more help. But the help rarely comes. On the one hand I feel like maybe im asking too much of him, and on the other I feel angry that he doesn’t understand my position and try to help more. On top of this our sex life is dead, there are jabs made when I get emotional about what’s lacking in our relationship. I see this as a defense mechanism but still it hurts me. I’ve thought long and hard about the possibility of divorce.
    Its something I never thought I would have to consider. I truly do not want a divorce, and if we ever get one it will not be my doing. I worry though for the example we are setting for our son about how marriages should be. This is something I’ve expressed to my husband and hes agreed we need to work on things. But that’s as far as it ever goes. I was very happy to find a mans perspective on what contributed to a failed marriage. I’m sorry for the loss you experienced, and grateful to you for being so open with your introspection. I am seriously considering sending him a link to this article, let him read for himself a man’s perspective of why things didnt work out. My husband IS a good man, but I’m not convinced he is a great husband. I hope that this will shed some light on some of our issues, and I hope it will be a kick in the pants for him to get motivated about working with me to fix our marriage.

    Like

  44. Julie says:

    hi I’m married to a real narcissist jerk of course everything is my fault and he is innocent of anything. The problem is it was his idea to get married. I sold my house moved in to his and then his total control took over. I love him but after my fathers death and my sons psychotic break. I ran away from him. Not he claims he can’t subject himself to working it out even though I’m the only one who lost everything. Only his ego was bruised. I’m struggling with this.

    Like

  45. v d says:

    hey there…feels like a confession table here and all will be forgiven after we come clean… i wish… like the writer i have lived a divorce ,been a shitty “nice guy” husbant, well i have been a bad dad… that hurt but not as much as my kids… now i dont know what to do… leave my kids and family for their own good away from me, or justify my presence trying to be better…

    Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      Absolutely stay and be the man, husband and father that you are supposed to be. Set a good example for your kids or their relationships will be screwed up. Get counseling. Everyone can change if they want to.
      Good luck.

      Like

  46. Alexandra says:

    This is truly wonderful insight on relationships but also humility that is lacking in this world. I related to everything you said, I learned a lot about both my husband and myself. I actually cried reading because you absolutely reaffirmed how I feel in my relationship, I needed that and it makes it hopeful. I know I play a 50% role in my unhappiness in my marriage (and 100% in my personal happiness) and this reminded me that if I keep the focus on myself and the efforts I make, i will be okay no matter what. Women do plenty wrong… I know my defense mechanisms only create larger barriers and more hurt feelings. I am argumentative, I will retaliate if I am hurt especially emotionally and also being a child of divorced family, my heart is like a mine field. I grow tired because I forget self care and I expect my husband to just know and read my mind rather than ask him for help. Even when I do ask for help I rarely give him time before I take over. So many times I focus on the negatives not the positives. My husband is a good man, he works hard to provide and protect, he shows love differently and needs love from me in a way that is different than I give, but we do love each other and there are many wonderful things we share even though the daily grind is difficult for both of us. In your willingness to observe and confess you shortfalls in your marriage, it reminded me of my role of loving more than needing to be loved, giving more than needing to receive. I even had the prayer of St. Francis read at my wedding. Thank you for the reminder of what the marriage vows are… we are like two equal and opposing forces.
    Wish me luck that I can better myself into a better marriage and that my husband may be willing to read this.

    Like

  47. Kat says:

    Its sad so many missed the point of this.
    I for one have had my fair share of shitty relationships.
    Some times reading about situations helps me understand where my husband’s mind is. I feel like a lot of the time when i ask for help cleaning or laundry, he gets upset because he works and how dare i ask for help. Literally i have showed him jobs that i was interested in doing but he wants me to be home. Due to me being pregnant and 21 weeks at that, bending over continuously after cleaning the house and having our 5 year old throwing stuff all over the floor and him leaving dishes all over the house it gets sickening. (Literally) Spotless one day and disaster the next. When i do things he is appreciative, but if i ask hey can you pick up this or that he asks me to wait for his day off. Then it comes around and he doesn’t want to do any of it. Or he goes “its not that bad” i feel like I’m living in a pigsty. He wants me to cook all the time. Which today i did i made a ton of food he ate it and about an hour later he said he was hungry again and i went and made the last few chicken nuggets we had and his comment to me was “do you really think a handful of chicken nuggets are enough”? It hurt. I voiced my thoughts about how ungrateful he was being and how what he said was disrespectful. He said “your right” but not in a very pleasant tone. He use to call me controlling or i always did what i wanted to do. So i have stopped making any suggestions which has caused more problems. Sometimes i feel like i am defeated. I am working on all the things he’s pointed out are wrong with me. If i say anything about what he’s doing I’m trying to “change him”. I asked him if he’d start putting the toilet seat down and he went on about how i should leave it up for him. Sometimes i just want to cry because it feels like I’m always doing something wrong. I know i ask for help a lot, but isn’t that apart of a partnership?

    Like

    • wannabemgtow says:

      I have the opposite problem. I find cleaning very soothing and when her and I have it out, I want to start cleaning. She tells me to stop because Im cleaning out of anger. I wasn’t aware that having a healthy outlet for my anger was a problem, other than it shows her up? I was a Marine for 12 years and cleaning in the military is a daily occurrence. I just find the immediate gratification of a clean house to be a calming thing. She doesn’t see it that way though. Recently I’ve taken up cooking on the weekends just to bless her and I enjoy the kitchen challenge. In some ways though, its just become a way for her to cut me down. If my food sucks, her and my kids spend the entire time at the dinner table evaluating what I could have done better. Its a never ending pile of shit. Apparently, I’m a shithead for enjoying video games as a hobby too….50 year old men aren’t supposed to play games, apparently. Maybe I should take up golf and fishing like real men so I’m not home to listen to this shit. I know Im not the greatest thing since sliced bread as a husband or a father but damn….I look forward to not being here anymore. It will take her being with another man for a long period of time for her to discover that she’s part of the problem. It sounds like we are both part of the “Dead Clock Club”….because even a dead clock is right twice a day which is 2 times more than either one of us. I hope your husband pulls his head out of his ass. Small things like putting the toilet seat down are social norms, not some ludicrous demand you’re placing on him. Help is definitely part of the partnership.

      Like

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