An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands

man-shrugging-shoulders

I was a shitty husband.

And it’s not because I’m a massive jerk, or abusive, or particularly difficult to get along with.

I was a shitty husband because I didn’t respect my wife’s thoughts and feelings about things I mistakenly believed didn’t matter. When two people disagree, both think they’re right. Which makes the other person wrong.

But sometimes there is no “right.” Sometimes, there is no “wrong.”

You liked the movie. She didn’t. She likes salsa dancing. You don’t. Nobody is right or wrong. But we treat one another like that’s the case. That what I think and believe and feel is right. Therefore, you must be wrong.

I was a shitty husband because I promised her in front of hundreds of people we knew that I would love and honor her all the days of my life. In good times, and in bad. And then I didn’t do that. I didn’t do it in the bad times because I didn’t “feel” like it. Because it wasn’t easy or convenient.

For years, I put my wants and needs ahead of her’s. Not for the “big things,” which is all I thought mattered. I put me first in all the “little things.” Disagreements about housework, passively leaving her to manage our schedules, and the logistics of caring for our son.

She tried to talk to me about it. But I didn’t listen.

I thought she was nagging. Complaining. Being needy. Being a bitch.

I thought because I was a nice person, and that I’d made sacrifices for her, that I was a good husband. I thought because I didn’t do a bunch of bad things some guys do that I was a good husband. I didn’t realize it until much too late: Good men can be bad husbands. Just like good men can be bad at designing bridges, or bad at water-color painting, or bad at water skiing.

We don’t want to hear bad things being said about us. Especially from those we believe we sacrifice daily for. So when we do, we don’t listen. We justify our behavior. Rationalize it. Get defensive. And angry.

We disagree with them, and tell them they’re wrong. Sometimes we tell them they’re crazy. Sometimes we raise our voices or call them a name.

Divorce is the great social crisis of our time, and not enough people are talking about it. Two good, smart, nice people marry voluntarily, and deny it though they will, it’s a coin toss as to whether they’ll be married a decade later.

I tell my story so that maybe other people won’t get divorced like me.

[NOTE: I felt like I cracked a secret life code when I understood for the first time WHY my wife would want a divorce. It changed the entire world for me. I have to credit the book “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It” for putting me on the right path. Maybe it can help you or your partner, too.]

The Posts

Vol. 1

I was in a lot of pain and blaming my ex-wife in the immediate aftermath of her leaving. Vol. 1 represented the first time I began learning to accept responsibility for my very large role in destroying the marriage.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 1

Vol. 2

I got into a really preachy phase with my writing. I’m sure it was annoying because clearly I’m an asshole who doesn’t know anything. But my heart was in the right place.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 2

Vol. 3

I was at a party and I had a tiny crush on the married birthday girl, and I watched her husband ignore her all night (and already knew him to be a less-than-ideal partner). The whole scene made me sad because it reminded me of how I used to treat my ex-wife.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 3

Vol. 4

There’s a really scary phase during a couple’s slow descent to divorce that many husbands don’t realize is scary. When a wife finally snaps and decides to leave or have an affair, her personality often transitions from sad and angry to resigned and apathetic. An observant husband will notice the change immediately. But before she snaps, there’s a period of time in which she’s trying to save your marriage. She wants to be married to you, to love you, and to be together for your children. And in her last-ditch effort to reach you, you often dig in your heels in “manly” defiance. “Stop trying to change me!” If you love winning fights and getting your way more than you love your wife, then you probably deserve what’s about to happen.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 4

Vol. 5

Yes, guys. You have to help around the house. Not sure if you checked the calendar lately, but it’s not 1960 anymore. No matter how insane you think it sounds, she WILL divorce you for leaving a dish by the sink.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 5

Vol. 6

You can destroy your marriage by trying to be “nice.” By letting your spouse make all the decisions. You think it’s a nice gesture, letting the other person have their way. But really? You’re killing them, their respect and desire for you, and it’s all going to break one day. All because you don’t want to be responsible for making plans two weekends from now or scheduling the kids’ dentist appointments or planning family meals. Maybe it’s time to rethink your priorities.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 6

Vol. 7

Men are generally very competitive creatures. I know I am. But despite that, men AREN’T competitive about marriage. And by that, I mean, they tend to not work hard to be the best husband and father imaginable as a measure of pride. They strive for greatness at work, or in a particular organization or social club or hobby. But men don’t seem to think being the best at marriage is a worthwhile endeavor. Considering it’s one of the most-important things we do in this life, and we have such a high failure rate, I wonder why that is.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 7

Vol. 8

What starts at an early age on playgrounds, turns into a relationship killer in adulthood. Men using jokes, sarcasm and mockery to belittle their wives and girlfriends both privately and publicly. It may not be intended to be cruel. It often isn’t. But the recipient of those “jokes” often feels as if it’s cruel. Beat her down long enough, and only one of two things can happen: She’ll leave you for someone who respects her, or you’ll break her and she won’t be the person you married anymore. Maybe she already isn’t.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 8

Vol. 9

Guys like “Me”-time. Maybe everyone does. But a lot of time when husbands and fathers do it, it looks and feels to his wife and children like he isn’t interested in them or that he’d rather spend time alone than with his family. When guys get married young, they often think it’s going to be just like having a permanent girlfriend. That marriage is basically just promising to never have sex with any other women. Sometimes, no one teaches us that marriage isn’t about us. That it’s actually for the person we’re marrying. No one teaches us that the key to sustaining love and happiness isn’t taking. It’s giving.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 9

Vol. 10

Wives sometimes turn into someone else throughout the course of their marriages. Men don’t like it because the person they married is gone. Women don’t like it because they lose the fun, innocent version of themselves they remember from their youth. Husbands lose their wives’ trust. Not over the big things, most of the time. Over the little things. Men won’t change, so their wives MUST. Resentment builds. And much of the time, everything breaks.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 10

Vol. 11

I think married couples who are sad and angry about their lives and relationships make the mistake of trying to “fix the marriage.” They spend all their time trying to figure out how “we” can do things different, and how the other person can make changes to make life better. But I think people need to work on themselves to fix the marriage. To look inside themselves and figure out how they can be their best self. Two people working to be the best versions of themselves have a great chance to succeed. Two people expecting the other to change on their behalf seem doomed to a life of sadness and frustration.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 11

Vol. 12

Cheating is never okay. We don’t want to do it. We don’t want it to happen to us. Almost everyone agrees it’s a horrible, destructive thing. Yet, it keeps happening over and over again. Even with a very decent spouse at home. Even with children and a seemingly happy life. I think it’s important for people to understand WHY this happens, so they can be more self-aware, and so that spouses can work to fill the voids people try to fill with extramarital affairs.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 12

Vol. 13

Maybe somewhere, there’s an example of pornography and masturbation radically improving marriages and relationships. Anything’s possible. But what often happens while couples are slowly drifting apart is that husbands turn to porn and masturbation for sexual relief. Some people don’t think it’s a big deal. I think I’ve seen and heard enough evidence to convince me that heavy porn consumption and masturbation, especially if it’s being hidden as part of a secret life, can negatively affect marriage, and not always in ways people think it will.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 13

Vol. 14

Of the many things I didn’t do that might have resulted in a successful marriage, my failure to mindfully plan fun activities and make tiny time investments to communicate how much I valued my wife and our marriage is probably the most egregious. There’s no excuse that doesn’t ultimately end with: Thousands of times I could have made a slightly different choice to focus on her and us, instead of me and whatever else. And I didn’t. Of all the things that could have saved the marriage, this would have been the easiest to do differently. In some respects, that makes this my greatest relationship failure.

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 14

What Qualifies Me for the Job?

Nothing.

But I have a funny little brain and it works like this: There is nothing exceptional about me. Not a thing.

I am the averageiest average person alive.

I possess average intelligence, average physicality and average skills in many facets of life. I am average looking. I earn an average income. I live in an average house in an average town. I had an average upbringing. And now I’m just your average divorced dad stumbling through adulthood.

You know what I think that means?

I think it means A LOT of people can relate to me. I think it means that the mistakes I made and the things I think and feel are JUST LIKE all of the mistakes you make and things you think and feel.

And I’m willing to write it down.

And I have absolutely no idea why that helps people. But I know that it does. It helps people.

Shitty Husbands Abound

You know a shitty husband.

You are one, or you are married to one, or you were raised by one, or you’re friends with one.

Shitty husbands ARE NOT always bad people. Sometimes they are very good people who are simply not very good at being married.

You don’t have to be abusive or neglectful or adulterous or deceitful to be a shitty husband. You need only put your wants ahead of your spouse’s.

You do that enough times?

All while not listening to her pleas for help? Her cries for attention? Her desire for emotional and intimate connection?

She’s going to start having sex with someone else and leave you, or she’s going to WANT to, which is equally bad. It’s true.

These An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands posts are consistently among my most popular posts.

I like some of them more than others because some are poorly written. But what I’ve heard time and time again from frustrated wives and ex-wives (and some husbands and ex-husbands) is that they recognize the truth in all of this.

Male-female relationships tend to follow the same patterns and tend to result in the same conflicts.

And THIS IS GREAT NEWS.

Because if we’re all experiencing the same afflictions and symptoms, then we can all fix it with the same treatment and medicine.

Losing my family was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I’m cool now because a lot of time has passed, and a lot of healing happened. But it was all very, very bad. And I don’t want other people to have to go through it. Especially children.

Not everyone is going to make it. We’re human, and we fail.

But there doesn’t have to be this much brokenness in the world. So many marriages fail that don’t have to.

It makes me sad. And I believe it can be better.

And this is my small contribution to trying to be part of the solution.

I hope you’ll join me.

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513 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands

  1. Mr. Failure says:

    I’m using these posts to understand how much of a failure and an asshole I am. My wife hasn’t divorced me yet but she says it’s inevitable. The causes of the problems we’re having don’t relate to most of Matt’s material but the results are similar. Thanks Matt. It’s been an eye opener. The worst thing is that my wife has been telling me the same things for a long time and it hasn’t been until I read these posts that I realized how wrong I’ve been. Doesn’t establish much trust with my wife.
    Anyway…I’ll be reading all these posts a few times to make it sink in.

    Like

  2. Theresa Dailey says:

    I just cried for half an hour simply because my husband didn’t want me to ride to town with him…it’s not a big deal to him but it is to me…we do absolutely nothing together…I’ve talked,cried,screamed to try to get him to understand I need “Him” to no avail…I’m at my wits end…we’ve been together for 27 years so our children are on their own…I need help to figure out how to save our marriage.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ljk says:

      When your husband doesn’t want to be with you anymore he has fallen out of love with you. It’s tragic but it happens I’ve been there. You need to get him to admit the truth and go from there. Either he’s interested in working on the marriage or he’s not and you will have to MoveOn no matter how painful

      Like

      • Maddy476 says:

        No one should have to beg their spouse to be with them. Sounds like he may be cheating.
        Pack his bags and move on. It’s scary at first but you will be less lonely. You are already alone.

        Like

    • Brina fay johnson says:

      Save yourself and your child. Whatever you do never let your right hand know what your left hand is doing. If you have family inlist them to help. Save your money as much as you can. The day and hour he hits you let that be it….
      I know you want attention but it’s not that much make up sex in the world. Because if he ever start hitting you it will never stop and your daughter will marry the same kind of man. Amen sister.

      Like

    • Brina fay johnson says:

      Honey if possible get in you car go to town, movie, dinner, walmart and any place you want to. If he care he will start asking you where are you going so much? As long as you begg him he will continue to agnore you.on the other hand if he doesn’t say anything that means he don’t really care.

      Like

      • Connie corbin says:

        This is what I need to do, as painful as it is. My husband isn’t going to change. I have to move on.thanks for the great advice to all. :)

        Like

    • Lonely Married Woman. says:

      My big thing is, the only thing we seem to do together on a regular basis is watch TV or go to the movies. Nothing interactive. When we were dating, we used to play fun card games and board games together. After we got married, I tried to stay engaged in the D&D game he was running, but it turns out that after the first hour or two, I can’t stay focused on the kinds of games he likes to run.

      So that’s it. Screens. The only times we play the games I also like to play, are when we’re over with friends or relatives. Never at home. And I never quite know how to bring things up, because I didn’t have friends growing up and don’t know how to initiate social contact. (Worse: because I’m a woman, people automatically assume that I am Good At Socializing, and that my failure to set things up is because I don’t want to hang out, instead of because I have no idea what I’m doing.)

      Like

  3. David Claussen says:

    !

    Like

  4. Kim says:

    I don’t like myself when I’m around my husband. We’ve been married for 29 years and I feel like its too late to leave. He makes me feel worthless, stupid and inadequate. I hate myself for staying this long and for allowing my kids to believe this is what marriage should be.

    Like

  5. mstngsally96 says:

    My husband was a shitty husband and in the end he divorced me. I was the wife he described here. Pleading, screaming, crying for his attention. He didn’t listen and didn’t want to listen. We didn’t make it to 10 years because of him. He stopped trying after the honeymoon phase. I never stopped trying, maybe because we didn’t get past 7 years.

    Liked by 2 people

    • AK says:

      My now husband and I have only been married since June thus year and together a total of almost 4 years. I feel like when things are good they’re really good, but when things are bad he gets very emotionally abusive and swears at me and calls me names in front if our 2 year old. I know I shouldn’t be putting up with this. I want our relationship to work cause I don’t want my daughter coming from a broken home like I did. I know I should be a prime role model for her and not allow her to see me allow myself to be treated this way. Reaching out cause I know I need help and want to save my marriage.

      Like

      • Brina fay johnson says:

        Save yourself and your child. Whatever you do never let your right hand know what your left hand is doing. If you have family inlist them to help. Save your money as much as you can. The day and hour he hits you let that be it….
        I know you want attention but it’s not that much make up sex in the world. Because if he ever start hitting you it will never stop and your daughter will marry the same kind of man.

        Like

  6. Bye says:

    You hit the nail on the head! It’s too bad my husband thought it was one sided and emotionally manipulative for me to show him these articles as the last chance for him to understand my experience.

    Like

  7. Janet says:

    This may be helpful. I have a very shitty husband. Completely self absorbed, all conversation about him, does not even acknowledge me or anything I say. Wages war on me if I say anything he doesn’t understand: hours of insults upon me and my children if I ask him to
    Turn his attention to anything important to me. Yes, he is shitty. I have compassion because being an isolated lonely mean jerk can’t be much fun. Would be cool if I could find any way to reach the good person that I know is underneath that checked out mean facade. I’m losing hope and patience. But I’m gonna read your posts, for insight, before I give up.

    Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      Start packing your bags. The only way this man will wake up is to lose his wife and kids. If he doesn’t make the necessary changes, then you know he’s not worth it. Sometimes we bang our head against the wall waiting for the person to change and “get it” and they just don’t nor will they ever. That was my case. Move on with your life and be happy for your sake and the health and well-being of your kids. It will teach them that it’s unhealthy to be in an unhealthy relationship. I bet you will be 10x happier. I am !
      Good luck.

      Like

      • FREE says:

        I completely agree! I spend 47 years enduring the most self absorbed cruel man and in the end, I gave up. I’ve NEVER BEEN happier. Divorced isn’t bad. It’s like a fresh breeze that causes your self respect to come back. Being with someone who ignores you and doesn’t keep their promises to you isn’t something anyone deserves. Do it. Get out now. Don’t do what I did and keep on trying to fix it. Pointless!

        Like

        • Maddy476 says:

          YES !!! Isn’t it awesome. No more headaches. I’ve also never been happier. I’m alone but I’m not lonely. Big difference. I was lonely in my marriage. Life is too short.

          Enjoy!

          Like

        • Ljk says:

          Good for you. Never too late

          Like

        • Brina fay johnson says:

          Well, my husband and I was married then we repeated for 9 years then we got back together we’ve been together 25 years in all we have been in each other’s life for 35 years. So I know my husband is not going to stand for me to leaving again.

          Like

  8. […] hefty  Yourtango, Mustbethistalltoride, goodmenproject, […]

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  9. Geogirl says:

    This “Open Letter to Shitty Husbands” is the most emotionaly helpful thing I’ve ever read on the subject of marriage. I no longer feel so alone. I, too, ask myself, “why did I stay?”. Now, that I am 68 and at the end of my life diagnosed with terminal cancer & unable to physically withstand treatments, I am still here wondering “why”?. I think It partly due to watching my dad be a shitty husband and then learning at age 20 yrs of age, learning that HE wasn’t my biological dad. My favorite uncle (another shitty husband) was my biological father! I need not wonder “why” this happened considering there were TWO shitty husbands involved. I could go on to describe all of my choices regarding my marriages. And maybe I will before I pass, in the hope that maybe I, too, can help someone else to not live the end of their lives like I must now.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. […] when I discovered this “code” on the heels of my life-crippling divorce, I felt a powerful compulsion to share my story and try to raise awareness about […]

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  11. Mike says:

    Thanks for posting such insightful articles. I just came across this and realized I was doing a lot of the same behavior’s. I feel like there is a little glimmer of time left but she admits she is pretty tired and checked out of going through the roller coaster relationship. We often have the same fights and discussion. Either way I’m trying to fix myself with the help of your articles and wanted to thank you again for putting yourself out there.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Wendie E. Macatangay says:

    I hope someone like you can talk to my husband to tell all this.
    When I get pregnant at the age of 18, he’s so excited knowing that he’s gonna be a father. I was working as a customer representative that time. I always going home early in the morning without him seeing waiting for me at the terminal. then he still let me do all the chores without helping me. I was forced to left my job since I am always hving headache due to i am awake in the evening then i can’t have enough sleep in the morning since i have to do chores
    . Then my due date arrives i had to undergo cesarean section because i am emclamptic my blood pressure isnt going down. Our hospital bill went 40,000php. He only had 10,000php onhand his family didnt even help us. Its a long story pls help me i need someone to talk to him

    Like

  13. […] over focusing our attention on the people and things that matter is essentially the summarized theme of Shitty Husbandry, as well as being a substandard friend, family member or teammate/partner of any […]

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  14. Karen says:

    I loved my husband. I will love him until the day I die. We were married for 22 years, divorced for 4. He cheated at 16 years because he thought “[I] didn’t love [him].” I loved him but had started closing in in myself years before so I wouldn’t hurt anymore (self-fulfilling and self-destructive I see now). The best thing about divorce is I don’t have to go to bed lonely anymore. No more hoping and praying my husband will turn off the TV and climb into bed with me. No more hoping he will see me, no more hoping he will respect me, no more hoping he won’t tease me or talk down to me or minimize me. I still love him, but I love me more than him now.

    Like

  15. […] this article (by the same guy), where he calls himself a “shitty husband” because he didn’t care about “the little […]

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  16. Brina fay johnson says:

    This is the best piece of writing I have ever read. It sums up exactly how I am feeling.
    My husband is not a bad person he just don’t know how to talk to me. I keep telling him to treat me like a friend or a stranger. He has no Paraverbal communication skills at all. He is ill one minute and the next he’s something else.
    I’m always on a emotional roller coaster.
    I could go on and on but I just get tired.

    Like

  17. […] hefty  Yourtango, Mustbethistalltoride, goodmenproject, […]

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  18. DL says:

    If only there was a way that my spouse who I’m currently separated from (for years) could accidentally receive this in his email! My family never tried to point my husband in the right direction in regards to his cruelty towards me, even after my many requests, and I feel that this information should come from another man. I’m past the point of non sympathetic and should have filed for divorce years ago and he still could care less.

    Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      If it makes you feel better, send it directly to him yourself. As long as you do it for you, not him. Nothing will wake him up and change unless he wants to. Having another man tell him won’t help. You don’t want him back anyway.

      Live your life and be happy.

      Like

  19. Ltdan says:

    Thank you for telling me I am a shitty husband!

    I was sitting at my computer tonight, lost in loneliness. My wife hasn’t slept in my bed for years now. She sleeps in the kid’s room. I thought she abandoned me. We have an 8 year old and a six month old. Her whole life is the kids. She spends alot of weekends staying at her parents house, leaving me alone. I feel like I am not even on her radar.

    Now before anyone asks, I geniunely believe I am a good person. I work more than full time so my wife can stay home (her choice, not mine). I moved from a city I loved to take a job near her hometown, leaving all my friends behind. I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. I don’t ignore my family. I go on outings with them (trips to the zoo, going out to eat once a week or so). I take my daughter to soccer practice and never miss a game. I do volunteer work at local schools. I am a committed member of our church and was even elected to the elder board. I take the opportunity to spend time with my in-laws quite frequently and don’t complain that we never seem to see my family (and I have 3 brothers and a sister).

    With all that being said. I now (perhaps finally) realize that I am a shitty husband. Tonight we had a stupid argument over me being irritated when she asked for some help. I answered that I would, but in a completely irritated voice. I was completely out-of-line. At the time, I was thinking that I just got home from a ten hour work day and I just wanted to relax a little bit. Now I realize she was crying out for both help and wanting me to be involved with the family.

    I realize I have left her more and more emotionally isolated over the years. We have been married for about 11 years now. As I read through some of these volumes, my feelings of indignation and frustration over being isolated began to change to guilt. I am beginning to see that this is a bed that I made for myself. I was the one who consistently ignored her pleas for help and attention.

    Don’t get me wrong, (and ladies this is important) my wife is not blameless. She, like anyone has her share of faults. For her part, she has a tendency to anger very easily. She is also slow to cool down. But I realize that at no point during our marriage have I ever really given 100%. I was always thinking she should be meeting me half way. What a mistake.

    Some people say “People don’t change.” I really hope that isn’t true. I want to be better. I just hope things aren’t too far gone for me to at least do as much as I can to prevent my marriage from failing.

    I still love my wife. I definitely love my kids. Its time for me to man up and live like I do. I have to stop expecting to be treated well as a reward for being considerate to her. That is one of my biggest problems. I get in these cycles where I will decide to be a better husband/father. I start to treat my wife better and try to be more emotionally available. Then, inevitably, she will fail to reciprocate. So I get discouraged, and fall back into my old behavior patterns. I finally realize I have been quitting too soon. I can’t expect everything in a marriage to be “quid pro quo.”

    I know I can’t fix her, but I can fix me. Thanks for writing this down for others to read. It took reading this for me to stop thinking of myself as a victim and start taking some responsibility.

    Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      Brilliant. Congrats. Recognizing it is half the battle. Women wanted their husbands to make them feel loved and cared for. They are looking for an equal, a partner, a best friend. Would you ignore your male best friend if he asked for help. Do you disregard your male friends thoughts, opinions and feelings? I know it’s hard for guys to talk about this stuff. I recommend reading the book, The 5 Love Languages. It’s for men and women. Helps you learn what types of things make your spouse feel loved. For me, it was my ex taking the time to buy me something really thoughtful and sentimental. Could have been $20 for all I cared but he didn’t put the effort in and that’s one of the reasons he is my ex.
      Women would love to come home and say “God, I need some time to sit down and relax”, but we aren’t wired to be selfish. We are givers, caretakers. There’s dinner to be made, kids to be fed, homework to do, etc. We are exhausted. If women weren’t so exhausted and we felt cherished, we would be more inclined to want sex.
      Women don’t want to have to do all the thinking. If you can improve your relationship to the point where she’s sleeping with you again, take her away for a romantic weekend doing something SHE wants to do.
      I’m not trying to be critical here; only trying to help. I also highly recommend marriage counselling. Good Luck

      Like

    • Fedupwife says:

      First off you started off by first stating all the positives things you do, before mentioning how you are shitty. You were deflecting from the start, and butterying up the reader before getting to your problem areas. If this is how you fight with her, it is not helping at all. When you do wrong in your marriage, own it, without rushing in first with all the wonderful things about you, which can be seen as an attempt to minimize your poor behavior you will talk about next. My husband does that and it has put a hughe wall between us. He once told me he didnt like me going to karaoke two nights a week. I didnt bone rush him with all these good things I do. I said “i can cut back to one day a week but then you need to spend more time with me” he knew I was going out because he was neglecting me on those days. Even when i stayed home, he still kept neglecting me. I realize he just wants me to chase him, beg him for attention and wait says until he is ready to date. I believe this makes him feel powerful and desireable.
      Which is strange because often women narcissist do that. When ever i come to him about ignoring me, for almost an entire day until 9pm, he goes down all things he does do right. When someone does this it deflecting any possible criticism or derailing our suggestion for improvement.

      First stop trying to man up when approaching your problem areas, focus on her feelings.

      If you love her simply post about what you are doing that makes you a sh@ttu husband, and then seek advice.

      Like

  20. Humor meets truth. Good job!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Angel avil says:

    It’s 2018, Jan 25 and hey always got angry first before actually talking it out …now he just throws the hamper of cloths because I moved his sweater. ” don’t touch my shit!” He says “then you clean up and clean up after yourself ” I say. Mind you in pregnant, I do all the house work, he works full time with 2 hours transportation to work and back. Our last fight he blew up because I got nail polish remover on our wood table..yes he yells,name calls,makes me cry, this marriage is over if he can’t stop…3 bad fights in the beginning of yr .. I get no flowers,chocolate, nothing but a “sorry ” every time”.

    Like

  22. Johnny says:

    Dude. Stop beating yourself up in an attempt to find reason. She made the same vows to you – honor, commitment, yada yada yada. You sacrificed, she sacrificed. Different ways. If you both sacrificed the same things, there would have been a huge unfilled void. The thing is, she felt sorry for herself and quit. She has no honor, no sense of the meaning of commitment. You work 50 hours a week, she feeds the kids. That’s the deal. You need not put her on a pedestal any more than she needs to do that for you. This is a PARTNERSHIP now. You don’t need to “woo” her or treat her like a queen or offer her extra praise for carrying her own weight. That’s equality. The bad comes with the good, sister. Welcome to manhood.

    Like

  23. […] read my most-popular articles—either “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink” or “An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands”—and sometimes afterward men will tell me what a stupid dumbass moron I am because of whatever I […]

    Like

  24. Lisa says:

    My husband told me to, “blow my brains out”, this last weekend. I recall reading this website over a week ago. Maybe it’s when he got called out at work for watching porn on his work issued laptop. I don’t think you are reading posts anymore but the site was helpful.

    I really hope this doesn’t show on a Google search, but if it does, it’s at least true.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I’m still reading, Lisa. And I’m so sorry, and speechless frankly, that he would say that to you.

      I’m sure, deep down, he feels like something’s unfair about all of this, and that you’re somehow partially responsible.

      Please take care of yourself and keep being the best you that you can be. Then, even though it won’t always be comfortable nor easy, you can be sure that everything will eventually be okay.

      I hope he finds the peace he needs to come back from whatever would cause him to say that to his wife.

      Like

  25. Sad Lady says:

    Just found out my husband cheats on me from the beginning. He calls and texts prostitutes constantly and has an extorted idea of what good sex is… If it’s not like on porn movies it’s not good. I just wish he would read this.

    Like

  26. The biggest shitty husband says:

    My wife put me onto this blog last week.

    I am a shitty husband. I could have wrote the same things, I even have the same name.

    I grew up watching my dad treat my mom like crap (and her treat him like crap) then they get divorced and now my dad treats my stepmom like crap. She waits on him hand and foot.

    Now after my wife and I have been married for 11 years and together for 15 she’s had enough. She doesn’t know if she wants a divorce or not but my stupid ass behavior has created this woman who used to be as good as it gets to basically a roommate that helps raise our son and has sex with me 1-3 times a months.

    I don’t remember the last time she gave me a compliment, or kissed me passionately. This is my fault, I created this now angry bitter person that just seems to just be going through life without any goals or direction.

    Other than making her wait on me like my mother (just like my dad did with his wives) I looked at porn. I don’t even know why because at the time she was giving me sex so it wasn’t like I was trying to fill that void. I’ve been caught by her several times looking at it. I deleted Pinterest because it would try to tempt me. I put Pinterest back on because I though I had to read your blog. Like an idiot some half naked lady shows up in the feed and I went right down the bunny trail looking at it. This is last week just after she told me she’s at her breaking point. God I’m a fucking idiot.

    I’ve never physically cheated on her, but mentally have by looking at porn. This destroyed her and for good reason it’s hard to gain her trust back after I hurt her so many times.

    I love her, more than anything. I want to be that old couple that is happy and together for 60+ years. We’ve got a great son out of this relationship and have worked hard with our business to get where we are. We’ve accomplished a lot but that all goes out the window because I suck as a husband. I guess it’s my turn to see what it feels like.

    I hope to hell we can save this and get back the romance that was there when we were first dating. At the point I feel like I’m putting out a refinery fire with a shot glass full of water. Any proactive thing I do to try to improve the relationship is discounted because of years of me being a POS dumbass husband.

    Like

  27. Kimberly says:

    Don’t let the title fool you

    Like

  28. Joan says:

    I read the entire blog, but what do you do with a husband who doesn’t defend you with his family. My husband hasn’t talk to his family in years. He got gravely ill in January , thought I was going to loose him and I made the biggest mistake… I called them. They yelled, accused me of killing him, left notes on my car, called my ex husband, called a casual friend to trash me. This is nothing new. I have been verbally abused by this family for 18 years. His response “ I won’t be a prick, I won’t hurt my sisters” I have been medically taking care of him since January. I slept by his side in the hospital , I am taking a family leave from work, using my inheritance to now pay his hospital bills and this is what I get. I real kick in the ass. If I leave people will say I couldn’t handle him being sick I am stuck her until he gets better. I am so very sad, started smoking and drinking just to escape from it all. The family just keeps telling him lies about me and doing this crazy behavior of contacting people. When confronted they say they never did it or tell him I am making this up. He just tells me what’s the big deal. Big deal when they contact your ex, daughter and friends, unless I am crazy to think that. This is my second marriage and I knew the family was manipulative when I married him… big mistake. How do you get your husband to realize his wife comes first? I showed him my devotion

    Like

  29. Mary says:

    I stumbled across this yesterday because I am on the verge of divorce. I have plenty of moments where I’ve bitched about my shitty husband to my friends, family, even doctors, and it always ends up with me being medicated. Recently, I started getting attention from someone from my past and it felt good. But years ago had this man done that, I would have laughed it off. I’m also starting my own counseling to make sure I’m not a shitty wife.

    I sat there last night and read through all 14 volumes of your open letter to shitty husbands. I found so many entries that SCREAMED truth to my situation. I even read some of those to my shitty husband, and you know what he did? He turned his attention to the hockey game instead and never said a word to me.

    I feel like there needs a support group for wives of shitty husbands. “HI, my name is Mary and I’m married to a shitty husband”.

    Thank you for being so open and honest. I hope if I’m ever dumb enough to get married again, I take to heart the differences I have with my spouse and we work on them to always maintain that incredible love and marriage that can really happen when you understand one another and work TOGETHER.

    Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      Oh how I can relate on the hockey thing. Ask your husband when he has time to sit and really listen to you. You have important information you would like to share. Firstly, he needs to listen but I learned I had to pick and choose when to talk to him. If he doesn’t listen, lay your cards on the table and tell him what you need.
      You will know what you will need to do. When I stopped banging my head against the wall, I felt so much better.

      Like

      • Mary says:

        Hi Maddy476, unfortunately, with my husband’s complete and total attention, I still cannot get him to respond or recognize the issues we are having. I started my own counseling last weekend, and after 1 appointment, sharing how we met, how we started dating, how our first sexual experiences were, how our wedding/planning was, all the way up to my own emotional affair, and the counselor suggests that we are “too far gone” to come back without drastic changes that he may not be willing to make (because it is ultimately uncharacteristic to his personality, and personalities don’t change).

        The more I begin to assess that this is truly the end of our marriage, the more calm and even keeled I am. The more I talk to my friends about what is going on in the background, behind the smiles, they sincerely understand and are here to listen to me and help me through whatever conclusions I come to. Am I ready to file? No. That feels too finite to me. But I’m approaching it, quickly.

        Like

        • Maddy476 says:

          Hi Mary. I can totally relate. I stayed for way too long for the kids and then something happened and I snapped and that was the end. I read a book called “the emotionally unavailable man”. It confirmed a lot of my experiences. I know it’s very scary to think about being alone. I want to encourage you. You will be okay. I promise. When you are in a bad relationship, it’s very lonely. Oddly enough when you are on your own, you won’t be lonely. My therapist didn’t comment too much about him when we were together but as soon as I made decision to leave, she said “he was really selfish and it was a really dysfunctional relationship”. Once I left and adjusted to being on my own, which I love btw, I could see more clearly. Life is short. You owe it to yourself to be happy and if you have kids it shows them not to stay in a bad relationship. Sets a good example and we all need to know our self worth. I wish I had have made the move several years ago. My kids are adjusting. My therapist says it’s better to have kids in two happy homes than one miserable one. I Hope that helps.

          Like

          • Mary says:

            Maddy your comments help more than you realize. I know I’m not the first woman to feel like this, nor are we the first couple to come to this impasse. Only time will tell what the ultimate outcome will be. I’m trying to lay the pavers on my own road to happiness and self sufficiency.

            Like

            • Maddy476 says:

              Sounds great. Trust your intuition. You are on the right track 😃👍
              It’s a wonderful feeling to not rely on a man and walk away on your own terms.
              Good luck.

              Like

        • Maddy476 says:

          And you don’t have to file right away. Get yourself settled and at peace. Baby steps. It’s hard but so worth it !!

          Like

  30. Karin Bernal says:

    Wow! That was every last thought in my head. Everything you said is my life right now. And it sucks so bad because I can’t stop it from being obliterated by the man who is supposed to my safe place to fall. I cant make him even be accountable for anything anymore. I have tried everything I can think of to save my marriage. I just emailed him an “Open letter “. I’m praying he hears you. 38 years I have loved and respected my husband, and our marriage. It is so painful. I never knew he could be so mean.

    Like

  31. Amy Bryan says:

    Yes, I think support groups would be very,very helpful…ones that begin with, “Hello, my name is Amy, and I’m in a bad marriage”.None of us has ever been actually taught in a class or support group HOW TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND OR WIFE. It IS like, if we have never been taught how to play golf, tennis, Bridge, or how to swim, paint, or ride a horse; we can’t expect to just take a partner or friend with us and do d good/satisfactory job of any of them just because we may love them.. We need lots of practice to become skillful and good at anything, and where do we ever get practice at being a wife or husband? Yet, we think that we can walk into a marriage and instinctively
    be happy, make another person happy, and raise happy normal children. Where can the proper training and practice be obtained? High School Home Ec.? College? Support Groups? Pre-marriage classes?

    Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      Fantastic idea. A healthy marriage is hard enough without adding financial stress, family stress, unemployment, death, cheating etc.

      Like

  32. Cheryl Cobb says:

    I cryed, talk, scream, yelled, prayed over and over again, and he just not get it! I am so to the point I am ready to divorce. I just shared this with him I hope he read it and it help him.

    Like

  33. Tamara Ballou says:

    Thank you. Its all so true. I love him so much and everything we have been through I somehow forgot about myself. I just keep waiting and hoping. I don’t know who I am anymore. I want to believe he loves me and cares but still it never shows. My breaking point came when I found out he was taking his best friend out for valentines day while I worked or stayed at home.

    Like

  34. Mary says:

    This is a great article. Thank you for admitting your part in the failure of your marriage. Not every man is capable of admitting wrongdoing and that’s why so many wives shut down and leave. I’ve been married for eight years to a man who has a son from a previous relationship. I knew what I was getting into but never imagined what my spouse’s behavior would be AFTER we signed the dotted line. He admits to being a helicopter parent. It’s a big problem because he puts our marriage dead last while his ex and son always come first. No matter how much I tell him that he’s destroying our marriage, he doesn’t change. He takes me for granted and doesn’t appreciate the many sacrifices I’ve made for us and his son. I live 3,000 miles away from my family and don’t get to see them often. My family has welcomed him with open arms. His family doesn’t speak to me. They’ve never come to our house, ever. I’ve also put my career on hold, and I’ve been there for his multiple health issues. But without a doubt, the most painful part is that we’ve faced infertility. He knew before we got married that adoption was something I always wanted to do even if we had children of our own. In the last eight years, he has shown zero interest in adoption. He never brings it up and when I do, we end up in a fight. The day we got the news that our final IVF procedure had failed, he hugged me for a few moments then got up and left. He went to pick up his son, brought him home and spent the weekend with him. He didn’t really talk to me. I watched him play and enjoy his weekend with his son while I went through the loss alone. I was completely invisible. I was devastated not only by the loss–if you’ve never gone through it consider yourselves lucky because it’s like a funeral—but by his absence. He chose his son and his mother when I needed him the most. He has never apologized. He has never acknowledged how hurtful his actions were that day. He simply says he was scheduled to pick up his son and what was his child’s mother supposed to do if he didn’t show up. He’s never shown any feelings over the loss. He’s never shown any reaction at all. I’m embarrassed to admit this but, lately, he also mocks me for not being able to have children. If we argue about adoption, he’ll say, “Oh, I can’t have a baby! Oh poor me, I can’t have a baby!” in a mocking voice. It’s humiliating and downright evil. He turns into a monster. I feel like only one of us sacrifices and it’s me. It hurts me deeply. I feel invisible and no matter how much I tell him that I feel invisible, he does nothing to change. I don’t believe he cares if I’m here or not. I don’t think he cares if I end up leaving as long as his son and his mother are ok. He runs to her every single time she has drama. She’s one of those people who thrive on the drama and she takes advantage of it by disrespecting our marriage. But I don’t blame her, I blame my spouse for not having the spine to deal with her. It also makes me wonder if he still has feelings for her and wishes their relationship had worked, especially since we can’t have kids. He treats me like shit, and I’m embarrassed by what I gave up for this marriage. I’m ashamed. I stare at the door almost daily and tell myself “Just open it, walk out, close it firmly and never look back.” I’m one step away from leaving. I’ve reached my breaking point. Sadly, I don’t think he cares. It’s become that painfully obvious.

    Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      I’m so sorry for your situation.you are right. Open the door and leave. Nothing will change. I promise you that. I know from experience. I’m also away from my family. You are worth so much more and deserve to be treated better.
      The fact the he’s mocking you about fertility is so disgusting, I want to fly to to where you live and string him up by his junk. Leave this idiot. Please !!

      Like

  35. Jack says:

    Thank you for writing this , after 35 years of marriage first 10 very happily, it sucks to look back and say “I should have done this or that….20 years ago
    The references that end with. Or .she will go have sex with someone else..
    still bite to the core 20 years later, that was when my marriage died but we never buried it and never got over it either , she would buy and wear lingerie ,but not for me ,lose weight and get fit, but not for me but neither of us had the guts to fix it or leave it So a week or two ago reading a book ( a cheating wife) everything came roaring back like it just happened last week and I was ready to walk…..after reading this I remembered all I did since then too and it came into better focus. Finding this blog a Godsend.
    if I want to stay married I need to follow his advice. She is a different nicer person and I’m a pile of resentments. ..funny like him anybody who knows me thinks I’m the nicest guy ever ..me too, but the secret I guess is to the nicest guy to your wife. You can live in a friendly cohabitation forever but who wants that..at 55 ?

    Ladies try for another month and I will too

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Thanks for sharing that, Jack. I hope you guys can find the path back. Not how it used to be. But maybe an entirely new, better, sustainable thing.

      Appreciate you reading and commenting. Best wishes to you and yours, Jack.

      Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      What a beautiful and insightful comment.
      Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda,….I think we all do that. When we know better, we do better. It’s not too late. You can change and live in bliss for 25 years.

      Hindsight is 20/20. We are all learning.

      Good luck.

      Like

  36. Tabatha says:

    This prob the smartest post I have seen in long time !!

    Like

  37. The biggest shitty husband says:

    I posted earlier about being a crappy husband and how many of things pointed out in the blog has happened.

    I’ve been reading Men are from Mars and women are from Venus in an attempt to better understand her. She’s been reading it too. A lot hits home in there.

    I have been working on being better. My wife of 11 years seems to pull away the more good things I do as I correct my behavior. Everything is a fight and I can’t do anything right. She doesn’t think my better behavior will last and she doesn’t want to be hurt again, which I can understand but emotionally beating me and ignoring my needs doesn’t help either as I improve. I don’t recall the last compliment or kiss I got from her.

    I’m gettting frustrated that as I get better she seems to get worse. I made some lunch just now and I asked if she wanted some. Instead of saying “no thanks” I got “I would make it myself if I want some”. This is 16 hours after she blew up at me for not making her a priority after an appointment I had setup last night to go get her something got canceled by the other party and somehow that was my fault.

    I’m really at a loss on what to do and when I wonder if we’ll be married in a year I really am starting to doubt we will be because she appears to have given up on me and wants to live miserable and unhappy. I want my old wife back!

    Like

    • Linda Kasko says:

      Oh I get that. As a wife who has experienced a lot of pain you tend to put up an emotional shield. When the other party gets serious about wanting to make a change it just becomes hard to believe and let your guard down. If you can’t sit down with her and discuss that specific issue (her putting up her guard to protect herself) and how that is going to create a self fulfilling prophesy I think you need an intervention of some kind. I hope you have expressed yourself exactly as you did her in your comment because it was genuine and perfectly said. I hope you can both move forward because it sounds like there is a lot to save.

      Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      I’m sorry you are going through this. I applaud you for trying to make things better. Sounds like she is completely stressed out. Maybe she is resentful over something and refuses to forgive you and wants to punish you by being miserable. She may also have health issues that make her cranky. Eating healthy and exercising does wonders for your mental health. I also discovered that red wine made me irritable and angry and depressed in the days following. I also developed hypothyroidism after the birth of my first son and it also affects my level of irritability.
      If you cheated on her and she has lost respect for you and is feeling contempt for you, the only way is to talk to her and get professional marriage counselling. Ultimately she has to decide what she wants. It’s very hard. I know. Been there. Good luck.

      Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      Also ask her to get her adrenal glands checked. If she’s burnt out emotionally for whatever reason, she won’t be able to cope with anything. I got stuff from my Naturopath and feel 10x better.

      Like

  38. MM says:

    Amazing post! Hits home! 10 years in a crappy, loveless marriage. Wish my husband was this self aware. Great article and amazing self awareness!

    Like

  39. Moonchaser says:

    Hello, I’m a wife, I read this to see if men do actually know how the destroy any relationship with a wife. I have found that almost all and some other issue’s you all have graciously offered, are quite insightful. The fact that all me know there faults, and yet choose to let the marriage crash, seem to be more to me at least
    from looking for someone like there mother and the wife looking for a man like her father personality wise and traits not being apart of it.
    Mentally men look for the same traits as there Mom due to the comfort they found in childhood, men want love. Women look for there father in a man, women want respect,but Men need respect, and Woman need love to survive a marriage, the roles of marriage changed a long time ago, during evolution, due to external entities changing the way we look and think. Men carry the choice Gene and women do not, they gather, ie anything. So love your girlfriend, fiancee, wife, all the days of your life, and you’ll never need for anything. Wives respect there husband the will never worry, or fear all the day of there lives because they are loved.

    Like

  40. Wow. Speechless. I have had a rough couple of days with my wife and tonight I come across this article and it hits me like a ton of bricks, I AM A SHITTY HUSBAND. She confronted me tonight after a full day of not talking to me and when she did it was filled with venom. She was upset about how little I do for her. Like you, I have over time passively let her do all the scheduling, the finances, the planning of date nights, playdates for the kids, the anniversaries. It didn’t even occur to me that our anniversary was coming up in a couple of weeks until she said it. To be fair, I totally love her and respect her and she is my world. I know deep down without her I am nothing. But since becoming a stay at home dad 4 years ago I have been so preoccupied with myself. Like you I thought, I’m a nice guy, a good dad, I sacrificed work to be at home with the kids. I cook, clean, and try to fix things around the house the best I can. I take the kids to ballet, baseball, theater, wherever they need to go and I read books with them almost everyday. But I have to admit, each day when I wake up, I think about what I don’t have or what could have been, or how can I be a better man without looking right in front of me each day. My biggest fault is my head is always in the clouds. I love books, podcasts, photography, fitness, movies, so much so that I am not paying attention to what is right in front of me, my beautiful amazing wife.

    I hope I am not too late. She wanted me to stick up for myself tonight, make my case as she put it. But after hearing all of the things that I don’t do for her these days…I felt like a failure. I felt like, what could I possibly tell her right now to make her happy? I really believe that its not what you say–its what you do. Well our anniversary is coming up, and her 40th birthday is coming as well in a month and I feel so overwhelmed. I have to make our anniversary and her 40th special.

    Like

    • Maddy476 says:

      At least you’ve recognized it and can take the steps to make her feel loved, cared for and appreciated. I can recommend a book “The 5 Love Languages”. If you can afford it, I recommend planning a romantic weekend away. No kids. I find women do all the planning and it’s exhausting.
      Just curious….is she ok with you being full time Dad? Is there any resentment that she doesn’t get to be at home.
      I could talk for hours on that.
      Good luck.

      Like

      • So I spent the whole night scouring the internet to find things to do for her 40th and our anniversary. I found some great ideas and events. But my special magic trick came in the form of waking up before her and making coffee and picking some flowers from our garden and serving her in bed. She was pleasantly surprised and it softened her, not entirely but I’ll take it. We spent some time together talking and the tension has eased–for now. Unfortunately for her–I do this. I get my act together only when she loses it on me. But slowly overtime I may sink back into my reclusive self. I hope not. When I engage her regularly life is really good between us.

        As far as being a full-time SAHD, I think she’s mostly okay with it. The bigger question is, Am I okay with it? In the beginning I had a hard time with it, despite my denial. I loved my job and had aspirations, and it led to some issues for me. Mostly it was me–unable to move on at times. It finally occurred to me to let go of my old goals and focus on trying to find something new that was more family friendly and very part time. It has taken a long time for us to get here but I think she is okay with it so long as I keep busy and happy. Sure there are prob times her feminine desires crave a rich, take charge kind of guy who tells her to stay home and relax. But then again who doesn’t have some odd and occasional desire for something different?

        Again, thanks for writing this post. Great insights!

        Like

        • Maddy476 says:

          That was a very nice thing to do for her birthday. She won’t “buy” the new version of you until it becomes a habit and she can trust you to follow thru.
          Do whatever it takes. Put a weekly reminder in your cell phone to take time and sit and talk and listen to her. She doesn’t need you to solve her problems. She just wants you to listen and pay attention to her. She should be your number one hobby :). Treat her like a princess and you will have more than enough sex. LOL.
          You may not get it all right the first while. It’s ok. She will see you trying.
          Concerning the stay at home arrangement, as long as you are in agreement and on same page, no issues. There were issues with this on my marriage. I wanted him to work, he wanted to daydream about running his own business while I supported the family. My parents also noticed he didn’t pay any attention to me. He is now my ex.
          I sense thru your writing that you are a good guy. You can fix this !! Good luck.

          Like

    • Jim says:

      What does she do for you? Ask yourself that question. She’s complaining about you but what about her.

      Like

  41. Jim says:

    Any man thinking about getting married listen to me because I know what I’m talking about. Marriage is not for you. Women today are not like they used to be. Some of you are shitty men and need to get it together. I’m not talking to you right now. But for those guys who are solid guys with flaws realize that if you get married your wife will view you as the sole cause and sole fixer for the problems in your relationship. Eventually, like this guys wife, they will decide that they are better off divorced and the financial and emotional toll this will take on you will be tremendous. Unless their is infidelity or abuse, 90% of marriages that fail are 50/50 propositions. Guys this is the honest truth, you will not get out of it what you put into it and at the end you will be the one who suffers the most when she decides to leave. I don’t care how you feel about her now, it’s not worth it.

    Like

    • Linda Kasko says:

      So for decades, no centuries women were trapped in an ownership position with no way out because they were not financially independent. No in some cases the shoe is on the other foot and men are shocked.
      Well I don’t advocate for either situation, but I do advocate that marriage is definitely presented in Camelot terms. It requires a LOT of sacrifice on both sides and if both sides don want to sacrifice (not a word used a lot these days) then remain on your own. Typically mean aren’t usually the ones who want children and the women usually press for marriage because they want them. Since sex is no longer an issue (apparently) in the less than morale society then what’s the big deal. Don’t make promises you can’t or don’t want to keep If hard work, sacrifices and kids ARE your thing then plan on sometimes making more sacrifices that the other person and vice versa in an given situation. It takes work, work, work and it isn’t always pretty. But they can be some great pay offs in the end. A deeper kind of love, a sense of satisfaction and security and someone to be there when you get older who “gets you”. Not something for the young and something people should spend a lot of time thinking about and seeing their prospective mate in all kinds of situations during courtship to size them up.

      Like

      • Man Splainer says:

        Men were socially conditioned (brainwashed) by women and the state to become women’s providers and protectors. That was an expectation women placed upon men to be considered viable candidates for love, affection and employment in a lot of cases.
        Men also built and maintained all upon the earth. Men were also socially conditioned by women and the state to sacrifice their lives on women’s and her state husbands behalf in war. That is quite literally human sacrifice. That’s just cracking the surface. I could go on and on regarding the human sacrifice of men and male disposability for women’s and her state pimp’s benefit. There was no female only draft. There was no ‘women last in the life boats’ policy. Marriage only benefits women. The statistics lie. Divorced men are at least half of all married men and they live the shortest, cruelest lives.

        Marriage is the worst decision any man can make. Stay single men. Marriage is an anti-man scam.

        Like

        • Matt says:

          I’m not a scholar or historian, but I’m pretty sure marriage–or at least the family model of a man and woman pairing up, sharing homes, and having children–existed several centuries before there was such thing as a “state”–whether you’re talking about modern governments, or ancient ones.

          I’m not saying the current model of marriage doesn’t screw certain men in the legal system. That’s a separate conversation.

          But your premise and motives seem flawed and sketchy, at best.

          Like

          • Man Splainer says:

            From what I understand, marriage started off very slowly in the US and gained in popularity until the 70s when the feminist organization NAWL wrote the no-fault divorce, alimony, asset division and child support legislation. Until then – it was a lot harder for X wives to strip their husbands of their wealth and dignity. Not so with no-fault divorce – which made destroying a man quite simple. After that, all one could hear was the giant sucking sound of men’s wealth and power being rapidly siphoned out of men’s bank accounts and into women’s via state force. With those eventualities, marriage rapidly declined. We went from 90% to 50% in that span of time. Russell Crowe paid his X wife millions of dollars per year for the privilege of his divorce. Tiger paid his 10s of millions per year. If only they could have taken my advice – their X wives would have never known the riches they obtained and Russell and Tiger would be fat and happy instead of rapidly becoming broken, forgotten and broke. That or those women would simply have moved on to other wealthy men – as it seems both will do that in the aftermath of their huge divorce windfalls regardless. All they had to do was just say no to marriage, the modern anti-male con game. Many will say their Xs simply deserve the millions of dollars they obtained through marriage. I couldn’t disagree more. No one has worked harder in their lives than I and I didn’t get millions of dollars per year. I guess I need to get hitched to a rich woman if I want to make it big off of someone else’s talent and hard work.

            Like

            • Matt says:

              I want to clarify my overarching position on marriage:

              1. I am NOT pro-marriage (though I’ve yet to discover a better model for procreation and parenting children). Taking reproduction out of the equation, I’m ambivalent about marriage. However, I AM anti-divorce. I do not believe it should be taken off the table as an option. I just believe the net results of divorce on society are quite damaging and that the trickle-down effects of that damage is grossly underestimated.

              2. I do not default to a cynical assumption that two people are sadistically out to screw one another over. I default to a position that the VAST majority of people who marry are doing so with integrity and at least a modicum of good intentions. Absolutely nothing I write about here applies to people who INTENTIONALLY mistreat others, namely their spouse, or who married under false pretenses where they never actually intended to love their spouse or honor their marriage vows.

              3. I think it’s totally fine if people choose not to marry, but I think it’s foolish to intentionally have children with people you don’t intend to partner with, AND I think it’s foolish to pretend like the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast majority of people aren’t going to get married. They are. Statistically, 95% of U.S. adults 18 and over fall into one of three categories: Married, Formerly Married, or Planning to Marry.

              95%. If you’re super-passionate about trying to convince people to stop marrying, cool. Knock yourself out. But that seems a little bit like trying to change the weather, or build a dam in the middle of an ocean. People WILL marry, whether it’s the right thing to do or not. Thus…

              4. The best, most pragmatic solution is to arm young people with the information they need to do it successfully, which includes choosing a partner.

              Might I suggest that you helping young men learn how to choose an optimum partner might be more effective than pretending people are going to stop getting married?

              Most women who get married do so hoping it will last forever, and wanting it to. Most women are not plotting to screw over their husbands — most of whom are middle-class wage earners with mountains of debt.

              Pointing to multimillionaire celebrities as examples, and acting like their lives apply in any way to most of us doesn’t seem quite right. (Tiger slept with, like, 40 women and tried to hide it from his wife — give me a break; and Russell Crowe had well-documented anger-management issues which may or may not have been a factor in his marriage.)

              It’s totally cool that you think and feel this way, but I don’t have a lot of tolerance for cynical positions that seek to tear down and belittle people or ideas without bringing any viable ideas or suggestions to the table to improve whatever they think is wrong.

              Telling men to not get married is impractical. Men WILL get married.

              How can they do it better? How can they avoid marrying people who would try to con them or hurt them? How can they behave in ways within their marriage that would reinforce wedding vows rather than shit all over them, and discourage a wife from wanting to remain in the marriage?

              How can men contribute something meaningful to improve relationships and stabilize families so that kids can grow up in safe homes and learn how to be good adults?

              That’s what I think matters.

              Like

              • Linda says:

                What an awesome response. If I remarry are you available?

                Liked by 1 person

              • Man Splainer says:

                My only recommendation to men is to never marry. “Don’t get married. Just live with her for a while.” Those were my grandmother’s words to me when I discussed the possibility of getting married. That and get a vasectomy at the earliest opportunity. That’s what I tell them. You see – the idea that no one ‘goes into it with bad intentions’ is complete BS – and when the SHTF – every woman is a rabid feminist in court. Why? Because the system is heavily tilted in women’s favor. When lawyers set down with women – that’s the first thing they discuss – how the system works in women’s favor. When layers set down with men – they tell men that it’s going to really be painful and that they just need to ‘sack up’ and ‘take it like a man’. I tell men that there’s no more destructive force in their lives than a woman with the power to destroy them legally and financially (aka marriage) and that they will not find the magical unicorn you describe – because life isn’t magic and that’s simply not how life works. There’s the fantasy – and then there’s the reality. I only discuss maters in terms of the realities. I detest fantasies. There are no women that won’t take advantage of a game heavily tilted in their favor should a scenario arise tempting women’s hypergamous, appropriating natures. I would never try to fill a man’s head with false illusions and enchantments of love nor ‘happily ever after’. I would instead give any man interested in hearing the cold hard facts and give them examples of how detrimental to their lives and future marriage might become. I don’t even understand why mothers aren’t talking their sons out of marriage. My grandmother talked me out of it. I would never recommend that anyone bet their life on what amounts to a flip of a coin. And that’s what marriage is. Betting your life and future on the flip of a coin. The problem today is that too many are willing to blow smoke up men’s and boy’s butts and gloss over the realities with illusions and enchantments that simply don’t exist – setting men and boys up for a future of hardship, great pain and potentially even suicide. It’s the furthering of male disposability – a paradigm within which men have existed since the dawn of gynocentrism and courtly love. I can’t fathom how any man has it within him to recommend marriage to another man. To me – such a man would be naive, deluded and an example of the blind leading the blind.

                Like

              • Man Splainer says:

                Wealth is relative to each individuals situation. To the low earning common man – $5000 may mean the difference between survival for a year vs homelessness and suicide. And it is realistic to tell men to avoid marriage. The problem is that men are still being talked into marriage by misguided men. I can’t begin to fathom a mother that would talk their own son into that kind of potential life destruction. What is going through these women’s heads? I find it monstrous that society is still encouraging men into the man-meat-grinder of matrimony. It astounds me that the idea ‘marriage is good for men’ is still sold in the face of all the male life destruction wrought through feminism’s no fault divorce and forced wealth transfer. The statistics that supposedly prove marriage is good for men simply ignore the suffering of divorced men. It’s a con game. It’s a scam. Imagine if we still talked people into smoking given all the disastrous outcomes from that nasty habit. Marriage causes more damage to people’s lives than smoking so marriage needs to be discouraged just as heavily with a public outcry to stop men from marrying. Why won’t that happen? Society thrives off of male disposability. That’s insane.

                Like

                • Matt says:

                  Serious question: What’s your plan for the continuation of the human species?

                  Like

                  • Man Splainer says:

                    See. I like that. You got right to the point. Now that’s honorable. You didn’t beat around the bush with pleasantries. You didn’t try to baffle me with BS. You simply got down the heart of the matter. And for that, I respect you.

                    Men have no rights when it comes to children. Men can’t tell women to have a baby. Men can’t tell women to not have a baby. Women hold all the cards. Women make all the decisions. Paternity is a myth. If a woman aborts, you have no say. If she decides to keep it, you pay. Women control the human species, not men. You’re asking the wrong gender questions for which you don’t want answers.

                    I don’t care what becomes of the ‘continuation of the human species’. You see dear chap, women hold all those cards. Just ask one. While you’re at it, tell them I said to go F themselves. No really – women can go F themselves.

                    Right on, bruh. Man Splainer rocks.

                    Like

                    • Maddy476 says:

                      You are obviously very bitter and hurt. I’m assuming you cheated on your wife and now it’s biting you in the ass. Maybe not.
                      The purpose of the 50% rule was the men didn’t cheat and run off with the secretary while the stay at home Mom who raised the three kids and didn’t work, is left with nothing and no way to support herself.
                      In cases where the woman can support herself, it should be different. Also remember the rule goes both ways. I made more money than my husband and he put me they hell. Why should I have to support a man?
                      He could have taken half my pension and claimed spousal support. Thank God he didn’t. Men still make more money than women for the exact same job. There are tons of problems with the system.

                      As for your other comment about why aren’t women teaching their sons not to marry….my question is, why aren’t the fathers teaching their boys to be men? Men need to grow up. Plain and simple. Women make all the decisions because they have to. I don’t need an extra child, thanks.

                      Like

              • Man Splainer says:

                And if the wives had cheated on their husbands, same difference. They still would have gotten their huge divorce payouts – because infidelity on the part of the wife of a wealthy man isn’t grounds for diminishing said cheating wive’s divorce rewards. Again, it’s sheer insanity. It’s an atrocity against men – and even a lot of men don’t seem to care. It’s unforgivable. It’s unfathomable. It’s why Oprah refuses to get married. Oprah knows how the divorce game works and she ain’t playin. She lives her life on her own terms. Yes – we can wake men up to this con game. Yes – we can wake men up to this male disposability. For the life of me – I can’t figure out why mothers haven’t banded together to protect their sons from the viscous machine that is feminist inspired no-fault divorce. Are they so greedy for grandchildren that they’d lay their own son’s lives down to have them? OF COURSE! That’s how we got the ‘male only draft’ and ‘men last in the life boats.’ Male disposability. How can it be that even mothers care so little for their own sons futures? Why it’s because women are the privileged pathological narcissists, not men. Duh. Who wears the makeup, high heels, hair dye and exposes their cleave? It’s all so simple really. I don’t know why others can’t see through the sham. For crying out loud people. Wake up.

                Like

                • Linda Kasko says:

                  This could only work if women would close their legs. No hookers, no lays, and men would get desperate. Never gonna happen, I know!

                  Like

  42. Robyn says:

    This guy is a genius!

    Like

  43. Man Splainer says:

    Never EVER give a woman legal, financial, emotional, physical, psychological, political or spiritual power over your life. Follow this one simple rule as a man and do what you need to do to keep yourself wealthy & healthy and you’ll have a great life. Defy this one rule as a man and you will most certainly suffer severe consequences. You’ve been officially warned.

    Man Splainer out.

    Like

  44. I come back to your blog time and again, and it is ALWAYS an enjoyable read.

    Looks like this writing thing is something you definitely aren’t average at, eh? :)

    Liked by 1 person

  45. Thank you for your wisdom and your vulnerability. I am a licensed psychologist and I was referred to your blog by one of my clients who has greatly benefited from reading your posts. I hope you are prepared for some major traffic to your site, because I am already spreading the word to women and men alike!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      Very kind of you, Amanda. Thank you. It’s nice to hear that one of your clients found this useful.

      I don’t think it’s for everyone (so few things are), but for the right person — the person who’s “kind-of like me” — I’ve long hoped that it could help them discover something about themselves or better understand their spouse or romantic partner.

      It’s always cool to have a licensed professional co-sign on the ideas I’ve shared.

      Thank you for taking a minute to send this note, and for any readers you send this way.

      Like

  46. Melissa says:

    Thank you for writing this. I am that unhappily married wife. My husband is like you. By no means is he a bad person. He has never cheated on me, doesn’t do anything physically abusive; just everything else. He always has time to do what makes him happy, but not what makes anyone else happy. We both work full time jobs-he makes more money than I, and acts like because of that, he doesn’t have to do more around the house. I get stuck with a majority of the house chores, child care, and pretty much everything else. It hurt me to read the part your wrote about an unhappy wife going from angry and crying to apathetic and just plain giving up, because that’s where I am now- and it hurts to realize that. I truly commend you on your realization and for sharing it with everyone. I also realize like most of the women here, that even if our husbands reached that point, we’d probably have to do the same thing and move on to make that happen. The saying must be true. You never realize what you got till it’s gone. I hope my husband figures that out too. Thanks again for sharing!!

    Like

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