An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 14

(Image/hellopretty.co.za)

Because I failed to create any type of plan or structure to ensure preparation and acknowledgment of special occasions like Valentine’s Day, our wedding anniversary, my wife’s birthday, etc., my epic ADD-ness, procrastination and sometimes lack of money created a bunch of negative or lackluster moments in my marriage.

When two people are in a romantic partnership together, there’s always a little bit of give-and-take as it’s impossible and impractical for each partner to satisfy exactly half of all shared responsibilities.

But when someone doesn’t get anything back when they give, give, give, they eventually run out of energy. They eventually stop giving.

Until the final couple of years of our marriage that I should have (but didn’t) recognize as the End Times, my wife was always incredibly thoughtful and an organized planner about almost everything, including things specifically for me.

It wasn’t a courtesy that I returned. I’m prone to procrastination and poor calendar management because I’m all kinds of ADD that was undiagnosed and unidentified during my marriage. I got comfortable. Lackadaisical. And lost sight of the importance of investing in my wife and marriage.

She put effort and energy into doing things for me, and planning things for us to do together.

I did not return that same level of effort and energy. I very rarely took the initiative to plan shared activities for the both of us.

For YEARS.

And now I’m divorced, and this EXTREMELY EASY THING TO CORRECT is a significant reason why.

Here’s the simple truth: When you make conscious, mindful, regular investments in your wife and marriage, and create opportunities to do fun things together, and demonstrate as a matter of routine that you have HER and the BOTH OF YOU top of mind and are investing effort and energy in your togetherness… you probably have a strong and healthy marriage.

And when you don’t?

You end up like me.

It Wasn’t Always That Way

I was still 18 when I met the girl who would give birth to our son 10 years later.

A mutual friend had been talking about hooking the two of us up for months. My future wife was super-involved in school activities at the university we attended, whereas I mostly just drank beer and smoked weed at awesome parties.

She was the feature baton twirler for the marching band during football season.

She was a competitive ballroom dancer.

She was on the dance team for the college basketball season.

She always had practice or a part-time job to go to, or homework to do, so she was never at any of our parties. After months of being told we’d make the perfect couple, we’d still never met.

Then one night, I heard she was going to be there—at the off-campus apartment where most of our freshman-year parties took place.

I was drinking and smoking and having a great time with my best friends like almost any other keg-party night, so I wasn’t ready for her to walk in.

Insta-smitten.

She’s the kind-of pretty that makes your stomach hurt. Smiling eyes. Gorgeous cheekbones. The kind-of smile that makes you mirror one back to her, even when she isn’t looking.

She was smart. Funny. Easy to be around.

She was everything teenage-me could have ever wanted. Everything except available.

Our mutual friend didn’t realize my future wife was dating someone. And even if she wasn’t, she didn’t have free time to actually date, nor am I sure we’d have ever made it while she was being super-responsible and I was being super-irresponsible.

Our “perfect-togetherness” would have to wait.

We stayed in touch. A phone call here and there. A hug and friendly chat somewhere on campus whenever we’d cross paths.

I dated someone for a couple of years in there, and so did she.

But here’s why I’m telling this story: One random afternoon while I was riding around with one of my friends, I had him stop at a store because I wanted to buy flowers and a card for this gorgeous blonde I was crushing on.

Just something to let her know I was thinking about her.

The Framed Greeting Card

It was the kind of card that folded from the top down.

She’d kept it for a few years in between me giving it to her, and us getting together in a couple’s capacity when we were 22.

I liked that she kept it. I liked it a lot.

It sat in a little horizontal frame on a dresser or nightstand throughout our years together. I read it a few times, but I can’t remember what I wrote inside, and I don’t think it mattered.

What mattered was me taking the time to get a card and flowers, to write a thoughtful, personal note to her. There was no particular occasion or reason to.

I had just wanted to.

Call it a broad generalization if you want, but I think girls like it when you do something for them—just because.

For more than a decade, that little card sat there.

Once a cute, heartwarming reminder of a thoughtful guy who would call a Life timeout simply to invest in making the woman he loved feel good. For no other reason than he wanted her to feel good.

But later, I think that little card became a disappointing reminder of what might have been. Not a symbol of goodness. A symbol of a guy who is capable of making her light up and feel good, and who day after day after day, seems to choose stuff he cares about, and doesn’t seem to think much about her at all.

A little card that’s almost certainly not hiding in her nightstand drawer—but decomposing in a garbage landfill somewhere.

Waste.

Which is fitting, because a waste is exactly what this was.

Just an everyday text: “Thinking about you.”

A weekly phone reminder to plan a mutual (or family) activity for the weekend.

A conscious effort to prioritize this concept of investing in and giving energy to things that benefit our partner, or actively demonstrate that we value and appreciate the person to whom we promised Forever.

That we want them.

That we love them.

That something we do for them is worthy of sitting out as a reminder of something good and meaningful. Something that won’t be discarded to rot in the ground, buried and forgotten forever.

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41 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 14

  1. Tim says:

    My soon to be ex-wife’s birthday happens to fall on Illinois’ firearm deer season…. which is something I don’t miss. Turns out that a woman’s 30th birthday is a big deal! (who knew?!) Wish I could have had some of these ‘special days’ back that you describe, Matt. Primitive tent camping in late November, even in extreme So. Illinois where the weather can be very mild, even nice, isn’t typically at the top of any woman’s 30th birthday party wish list. Wish I could have found a way to make sure that ‘everybody wins’. All those who are still married, heed this post.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. somecallmejack says:

    “That we love them”

    It might be that simple? Probably isn’t, but probably doesn’t matter if you get that right.

    Like

  3. Sue says:

    Poignant, sort of heartbreaking reminder … little things , little efforts , little touches MATTER …

    Like

  4. This! I spent years — YEARS — telling my ex-husband that all I wanted for Valentine’s Day was a card, and for my birthday or Hanukkah I wanted him to plan a weekend away for us.

    “Surprise me,” I said. “Tell me when but not where. Pick somewhere I like, find someone to watch our son, and take me away.” This happened exactly once in the 20+ years we were married before he decided he no longer wanted to be married and bailed.

    My new guy got me a horseback riding lesson when I said I had never been on a horse, took a day off of work to take me to Maine for a weekend, and wants to plan a time when he can take me and my son to Nantucket for a few days, if not this summer, then next.

    Guys, it makes a difference. Really.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rebekah says:

      Yeah, a date isn’t anywhere close to relaxing if I plan it, choose the location, find care for the kids, and have to check 15 times that it is, indeed, on everyone’s calendar.

      Liked by 2 people

    • FlyingKal says:

      I got my girlfriend a horseback riding experience as a birthday gift once, something she had talked about being on her “bucket list”. Turned out a horse was too big and “bumpy” for her taste. Not a good experience.
      Took her on a mountain hike in a beautiful setting. Not a very long or demanding one. Halfway through she wondered if I wanted to kill her. (By exhaustion, exposure, slipping and falling, I don’t know but there wasn’t any real danger to any adult of somewhat functionality)
      Took her to a resort, and during a “romantic” stroll by a leake we got attacked by mosquitos. But instead of just going/running back to the hotel, she kind of froze at the scene and demanded that I solve the problem.
      She asked me to take her out to dinner and dance, but once the music started she was suddenly tired and needed to get home to sleep.

      Any thing or any event she ever asked for that I took the time and effort to plan for us, big or small, suddenly became “my worst idea ever” halfway through…

      We were together for 5 years, and towards the end I made a final all-out effort. (I didn’t know it was final then, though.) Over the years we had talked about the places in Europe we wanted to visit (we live in Sweden), and I said “Let’s do it.”
      So we spent over half a year planning a 6-week vacation/roadtrip over Europe.
      Planning destinations, activities, route choices, alternative activities in case of bad weather, booking hotels, pretty much everything.
      By her demand, I put in most of the actual work (googling, mailing, etc.), but I took her input regularly and synchronized everything with her.
      Then, just a few weeks before we were about to leave, tickets are bought, most of the hotels and accomodations are reserved with a down-payment, she comes to me one evening and says “… You know I’m only doing this for your sake, right …”

      So don’t get me started on “surprises”…

      Like

      • Matt says:

        None of my business, and feel free to not ask, but I’m curious as to benefits of this relationship. All of the good stuff that lessens the impact of these incidents you shared here.

        Most of my criticism in things I write tends to be geared toward NOT doing the things you ARE doing.

        I’m reading this as you two being together still.

        I’m not asking “Why?” to challenge you, or make it seem as if I’m judging her based on one internet comment.

        But simply as an exercise in curiosity, I’d love to hear some of the good things that offset these moments that feel like a significant amount of ungratefulness.

        Like

        • FlyingKal says:

          Hi Matt,
          I am not really sure I understand your question (perhaps it gets lost in translation as English isn’t my native language), but if it is “Why are we still together?” then the answer is simply “We are not.”.

          The “We were together for 5 years” part was put in there to indicate that our expiration date really had passed quite some time ago, but perhaps I wasn’t clear enough.

          Thanks for your reply.

          Liked by 1 person

      • FlyingKal, you sound like a sweetheart who did everything right, or at least right to the best of the information you had. She sounds like she was a headache, and I am sorry you had to go through all that.

        Like

  5. Michelle says:

    This hit article hit me hard today. Amazingly accurate. At least from my (wife) perspective. It’s the little things that count. It only takes a bit of effort to make a huge impact. I pray that my husband of only 3 years will figure this out sooner than later.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Michelle, I was struck by your response. I hope you find an opportunity to chat with your husband how much this matters so that he doesn’t fail at figuring it out all by himself. I wish you well in your marriage, I’ve been married for nearly 23 years and it takes hard constant work but loving, encouraging communication is always central to everything.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Rebekah says:

    Oh, Matt this makes my heart ache for you both. I don’t know if I’d have left the card out as long as she did…probably would have become too painful.

    A few years into our marriage, I got a birthday note scribbled on notebook paper. Just about made me cry (and not the good kind of tears). He hasn’t done that since because he saw what a slap in the face it was. Recently we’ve shifted to having a journal for each of us that where we can write letters to each other. Birthday, Christmas, anniversary, Fathers’/Mothers’ Day. That way we don’t have a ‘crap I didn’t pick up a card’ moment.

    But those ‘oops’ things aren’t just ‘oops’ on the receiving end. They are ‘I don’t think/care enough about you to remember this.’

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tim says:

      I like the journal idea. throughout my separation I’ve made notes of things I want to do better/different in the future, at first it was for my ‘wife’ but has now I guess been officially shifted to ‘whoever comes next’. The journal you speak of is one I’ll be adding to the list.

      Like

      • Matt M says:

        The journal is something I decided to start in my marriage for multiple reasons. We haven’t done great at using it, but when we do, it is very meaningful. We searched for a long time (too long) to find an appropriate journal for the purpose (red leather with some design). Part of my idea was that it made it possible for us to always have these memories and feelings expressed in the journal than rather spread across piles of cards for every occasion. But not as a substitute for occasional flowers and a love note once in a while just because.

        I could still do better at taking action when my wife expresses she wants time away with just me and not kids, or when she wants a date night. For too many years I’ve tried to put it on her to figure out the date night plan and babysitter and all if she wanted to do it. And guess what, that hasn’t worked and we’ve had far fewer romantic dates and she feels much less loved than if I’d been responding as you shared Matt.

        Like

  7. Shivani Faust says:

    Now I just have to figure out how to get my husband to understand this concept of little things…..

    Like

  8. Trinity says:

    This speaks to me, too. In 17 years, my XH and I went on exactly one date a year – our anniversary – and even then, it was usually just to a movie while his parents watched the kids. I asked for more time together over the years but it fell on deaf ears. He never thought it was necessary. And I can’t remember him once surprising me with anything, no matter how small.

    I never felt like he wanted to know me/be with me in any significant way. If he did, he didn’t show it.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh ouch. Sad but true. Well done, Matt.

    My husband has stolen the flowers of a table at a restaurant, torn the words out of a piece of advertising, gifted me with rock even. It has a lot to do with why we’re still married.

    Like

  10. savvydixie says:

    Wow, I love your absolute honesty. I’m on the opposite side of this…and it’s so nice to hear a man be truthful! Thank you for sharing.

    Like

  11. Terri R. says:

    Awesome post Matt! To most of us women, it is the small, simple things that matter in a relationship. For as complicated as we seem, we truly are not. Bless you for writing this!

    Like

  12. SSparkyS says:

    Spot on Matt. Early in our relationship, my husband would surprise me from time to time, and I never failed to express love and gratitude for his efforts. I too would do nice things as well. However, somewhere along the line, those gestures stopped…and eventually I stopped as well. For years I’ve felt like my husband has been in autopilot mode, not wanting to address issues I’ve wanted to discuss or deflecting my concerns back to me. There are reasons I stay, but I won’t be able to hold on much longer. Little things do matter. Genuine efforts matter. It doesn’t matter how many years you are together, please don’t take your partner for granted.

    Like

  13. jane says:

    Wow, awesome Matt, so very true!! I’m really glad that you can acknowledge the part you played in the breakdown.
    All the way from downunder, I have ended my second marriage, ho hum, its too hard spending the past 18 months trying to keep it all together – 4 kids, home cooked meal every night washing, folding, kids taxi but the most important one I couldn’t control my husband… if he could remove himself from the couch and shower that was a bonus but no, I nagged him to shower, I nagged him to pay the bills, I nagged him to wash up.
    He did nothing….. the fights and his threats we constant… In the end I had no more emotional energy to keep up the charade. I was left living in a home that was three weeks behind in rent, 3 kids, no phone and no car, I was not going to stand for a man to threaten my family and beholden me of things either for power!!!
    It is the little simple things that matter, yet the courting stage and the first two years of marriage, I was showered with love and attention, gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and simple time and effort…
    I am on my own again now and I vow to stay that way, I have lost all trust and faith in men after two horrific marriages of power and emotional and verbal bullying!
    I am still in hiding, doing the best I can to look after my children.. Amen… for strong independent women..

    Like

  14. Alicia says:

    This.

    Like

  15. As always, very thoughtful, Matt. The cards, flowers, planning dates make life more beautiful for a woman because they remind us that someone cares about us. I am dating again and I am receiving these things. I want him to do this – always!

    The way I look at it, I am training him how to treat me. I let him know how much I appreciate his efforts. I hope by letting him know how I feel he will be encouraged to continue. After each of us had a failed marriage I think he is willing to learn, as am I.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. DrK says:

    And this is exactly why the rate of divorce for couples where one or both partners has ADHD is much higher than the couple not impacted by it. For this particular topic/post, I’m going to say (in my expert opinion) that you need to forgive yourself for these instances because they are the hallmark of ADHD symptoms in adults. Not saying you’re excused, but undiagnosed ADHD is a legitimate reason for their occurrences. And the fact is that you probably would have done something, anything, more than you did if your partner would say ‘hey, you used to do x, y, and z and don’t anymore. I need you to _____.’ Because most adhd’ers like to please, but are indecisive due to too many choices. So they do nothing. If they’re too distracted to notice something, like say their partners’ wish for them to take initiative and dissatisfaction, they do nothing. In the end, the non-ADHD partner didn’t ask for what he/she wants/needs, and the adhd partner didn’t attend to the signals the partner was giving off. Add that too a lack of a sense of time, impulsivity, forgetfulness, and internal restlessness and/or lack of follow thru, and you have a recipe for divorce, or extreme unhappiness. You couldn’t have known what you didn’t know. And you have a neurological condition preventing you from noticing things that aren’t intrinsically interesting, or more interesting than the things you’re attending to. Many books have been written on the ADHD marriage, you’re not alone! My first husband had ADHD, and wouldn’t do anything about it, despite my pleadings and my profession. My current SO also has ADHD (I just love people with ADHD (; ) , understands it, and puts systems in place to cope with it. I, in turn, have to do my part in understanding limitations of his brain wiring, and communicate my needs and wants. So you’re not 100% at fault for the happenings described above. All three of you (you, your wife, and your ADHD) contributed to that outcome. With diagnosis comes a whole new life – have to forgive yourself for not realizing the impact of what you didn’t know. Just wanted to make sure you adopted that viewpoint. I hate it when my adhd’ers engage in self-blame for ADHD-related issues! And I wanted to check in because I haven’t said hi in a while (;

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      Something interesting on that front… I think she really now understands what you’ve written here. We’re having these conversations with our son’s pediatrician and an ADD/ADHD-specialist PhD (I should get you his name) and through this process of wanting to understand how to be the best-possible mother to her son whose mind works a lot like his father’s (!), she’s gaining a solid understanding of why some of these day-to-day things happen, and I think (but can only guess) that it’s advancing her understanding of our marriage in a pretty profound way.

      Funny how life works.

      Always excellent to hear from you. I need to check in off-line to hear about your personal-life happenings and growing family.

      Thank you for this, Dr. K. I do think this remains a poorly understood thing, and a common destroyer of marriage.

      For my part, I have no idea where to stop accepting responsibility for these things. I don’t know where the line between personal responsibility and ADD lies.

      But for some people out in the world, LEGIT attention issues that are a byproduct — not of neglect, but of brain chemistry — are damaging relationships, and I hope someone like that reads this and thinks about the implications there.

      They’re significant.

      Like

    • Wifey says:

      As the non-ADHD spouse, I can relate to and appreciate the comments from Matt and you, DrK. However, I also feel the need to point out that that even when the non-ADHD spouse vocalizes EXACTLY what they need/want, that does not translate to the ADHD spouse being able to deliver. Not. at. all. LOL! I wish, though….

      It has taken a lot of couples and individual occupational therapy for my husband to learn how to first even HEAR and digest a need/want without defensiveness and then to take appropriate steps to be able to respond. I just don’t want another person in my position to think it’s their fault their ADHD spouse isn’t delivering – somehow because they haven’t been clear about what they need/want. That’s really not the case. It may contribute to the problem in some relationships, sure, but clear communication does not make an ADHD person take action.

      Liked by 1 person

      • DrK says:

        Oh that’s not what I was saying at all!! I was commenting on this specific post about growing resentment and knowing Matt personally. Not making a global ADHD-impacted relationship statement at all! However, being married to two adhd’ers and treating ADHD couples, I know that the ADHD person usually wants to please. It’s about finding the system and manner in which the non-ADHD spouse can communicate that makes the adhd’er hear them. Defensiveness is a common reaction because they can’t hear one more criticism. This is a conversation for another time, but because it was undiagnosed in matt’s case, his wife likely attributed his reactions to a core personality flaw, rather than the result of a neurological condition. That was my only point in my post. But what you say is true, relationships with an adhd’er is hard. Very hard.

        Like

  17. Julia says:

    Wow! Thank you for your transparency and for using your pain to help others. I got to the place that your wife did in our marriage and according to our therapist, it is very common for husbands to be completely shocked when their wives leave. I am sorry. We were separated, but have been working on a lot of the things you are describing in your post, and individually changing. Keep going!t Keep growing! Thank you for writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. kirstencronlund says:

    I’m in love with this post. It’s just so spot on. I actually know two very attractive divorced women who are so afraid to put both feet into a new relationship for this very reason. They date men and either consciously or unconsciously keep them guessing as to the security of their relationship because they’re so afraid that as soon as they relax into it the guy will begin to coast. So, unfortunately, the damage of this kind of neglect has even longer-lasting implications than just the breakdown of the marriage (and I don’t really mean “just”); it can really screw with a girl’s ability to trust anyone to cherish her. Thank you, Matt, for putting into words this painful dynamic.

    Like

  19. Louie says:

    I am always in awe of your introspective and well researched ( sadly by experienced aftermath ) posts. Iwouldn’t wish these types of experiences on anyone . I am a recovering shitty husband as I have posted in the past. I had all the excuses all the good intentions and a heart that was guided by my love for my wife and family . Sadly what I thought was to lead to a great crescendo and our happiness would bloom eternal , was what nearly ended our marriage . Tried to back burner the little things thinking they didn’t matter as much because the big payoff was on the horizon . I needed to focus on things that in retrospect didn’t mean as much as the night away or the little just want to remind you that I love you notes. I too did the ritualistic little cards stuffed animals flowers bit when we were dating , so why couldn’t I keep that level of staying connected going after marriage ? There’s no excuse , there’s no logical reasoning to justify not taking care or time to show your love devotion and commitment . You make your partner feel safe honored and relevant . A very insightful poster on this sight talked once about “death by paper cuts”..that is so profoundly true…I never in my 33 year marriage or 58 years on earth ever looked at any situation in that manner . It’s so true …. it now forefronts most of my interactions of all types . The opposite “life by the simple stuff” is far easier and the payoff is exponentially better . For the last few years I have been slowing down with work, community involvement and a host of distractions to spend more time with my beautiful Anne . I have planned numerous small dates and activities we both enjoy . The look on her face changes immediately . ..peaceful relaxed loved and respected honored , it has a look and a smile . Have all our dates been home runs ? Not really but we made the best of the awkward . True story . ..there was a 70 s and 80s dinner . dance party I thought Anne would oove, good restaurant , well known local band, charity based event so a lot of feel goods going on here.. we went..it was a surprise for Anne , I took the night off from work, I picked her up from work and we drove directly to the event 45 minutes away . When we got there we found an unusually large number of medical transport vehicles there but didn’t give it much thought . ..as we walked in to the restaurant we noticed how crowded it was so I go to the bar to get us a drink and we go off to find a table ( it felt like being at an awkward wedding ). On our way to get a seat I tipped over a walker…after getting settled in we made pleasentries with the other couples at our table all of them were 30 plus years our senior (we are in our mid to late 50’s ) in fact we were the youngest people in the room ! After tripping over 2 more walkers and Anne getting her silly laugh going we went to dance…the lead singer excused himself and needed to go home to rest .We shuffled back to our table and watched as many of the attendees started to look sleepy…I looked at Anne ,who was being as gracious as one can be , and said ” I think we can catch last call at the Christmas tree store” (her favorite place) and off we went laughing and hugging and kissing and hold hands all the way. As much of a fail that date was it was a success too. She loves my efforts and I love her.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I hate that when I read some of your posts I see the parallels of relationship breakdown of my own…and lament that my ex doesn’t understand it the way you do. (or if he does, I wouldn’t know it at this point) I don’t really know why, six years out, I would want him to have your perspective anyway, or what difference it would make at this point. It’s not like I want him back. It just makes me sad…and brings up lamenting a potential for a life that is now dead and buried.

    Like

  21. Been chewing on this one in my head for a couple of days and I did like it, don’t get me wrong.

    Maybe it comes down to the love languages. My husband is a bit of a romantic. Always comments on the anniversary of our first date. He unfortunately married a woman who is a bit more pragmatic and has more of a service to others mindset. It was difficult for both both of us as his “romantic gestures” kept falling flat in the face of other deep difficulties in our marriage.

    He wasn’t able to understand that my demonstrations of love ended up turning me inside out to support him and fill in all the gaps in the mundane day-to-day stuff. It got harder and harder to be the romantic girly partner that he wanted and he just couldn’t see that I was too tired.

    Being apart showed him how much of the “unfun” had fallen to me and how happy I was continuing to do it in his absence. I didn’t mind the hard work I just didn’t like being the only adult in the house doing it.

    Our revamped approach to our marriage includes much more shared responsibility as well as a lot more fun with just the two of us. Sometimes flowers and romance and sometimes sorting the recycling.
    Not every girl can enjoy the flowers when really major gaps are there. Loving gestures are lovely, just not bandaids.

    Like

  22. tonifoverby says:

    I often wonder when I read your posts, Matt, if the people (both men and women) who should be reading them ever do. I sure hope so. Good stuff, as usual. ;)

    Liked by 1 person

  23. raesmithdesigns says:

    Over the course of reading your shitty husband volumes, I’ve either been in one of two places in my marriage. I’m either doing well, feeling somewhat happy, pushing through, and only partially thinking about finding a way for your blog to mysteriously end up in my husband’s inbox. Other times, I just want to print out all of the volumes, have them leather-bound, and drop it on top of his smart phone while he’s ignoring our children and not doing his share. Currently…I’m feeling the latter.

    Like

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