She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

(Image/jerrywilliamsmedia.com)

(Image/jerrywilliamsmedia.com)

It seems so unreasonable when you put it that way: My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink.

It makes her seem ridiculous; and makes me seem like a victim of unfair expectations.

We like to point fingers at other things to explain why something went wrong, like when Biff Tannen crashed George McFly’s car and spilled beer on his clothes, but it was all George’s fault for not telling him the car had a blind spot.

This bad thing happened because of this, that, and the other thing. Not because of anything I did!

Sometimes I leave used drinking glasses by the kitchen sink, just inches away from the dishwasher.

It isn’t a big deal to me now. It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it WAS a big deal to her.

Every time she’d walk into the kitchen and find a drinking glass by the sink, she moved incrementally closer to moving out and ending our marriage. I just didn’t know it yet. But even if I had, I fear I wouldn’t have worked as hard to change my behavior as I would have stubbornly tried to get her to see things my way.

The idiom “to cut off your nose to spite your face” was created for such occasions.

Men Are Not Children, Even Though We Behave Like Them

Feeling respected by others is important to men.

Feeling respected by one’s wife is essential to living a purposeful and meaningful life. Maybe I thought my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t be the first time I acted entitled. One thing I know for sure is that I never connected putting a dish in the dishwasher with earning my wife’s respect.

Yesterday I responded to a comment by @insanitybytes22, in which she suggested things wives and mothers can do to help men as an olive branch instead of blaming men for every marital breakdown. I appreciated her saying so.

But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.

I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”

But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.

She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.

I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time.

Men Can Do Things

Men invented heavy machines that can fly in the air reliably and safely. Men proved the heliocentric model of the solar system, establishing that the Earth orbits the Sun. Men design and build skyscrapers, and take hearts and other human organs from dead people and replace the corresponding failing organs inside of living people, and then those people stay alive afterward. Which is insane.

Men are totally good at stuff.

Men are perfectly capable of doing a lot of these things our wives complain about. What we are not good at is being psychic, or accurately predicting how our wives might feel about any given thing because male and female emotional responses tend to differ pretty dramatically.

‘Hey Matt! Why would you leave a glass by the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher?’

Several reasons.

  1. I may want to use it again.
  2. I don’t care if a glass is sitting by the sink unless guests are coming over.
  3. I will never care about a glass sitting by the sink. Ever. It’s impossible. It’s like asking me to make myself interested in crocheting, or to enjoy yardwork. I don’t want to crochet things. And it’s hard for me to imagine a scenario in which doing a bunch of work in my yard sounds more appealing than ANY of several thousand less-sucky things which could be done.

There is only ONE reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink. A lesson I learned much too late: Because I love and respect my partner, and it REALLY matters to her. I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her— literally causes her pain—because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”

All the sudden, it’s not about something as benign and meaningless as a (quasi) dirty dish.

Now, it’s a meaningful act of love and sacrifice, and really? Four seconds? That doesn’t seem like the kind of thing too big to do for the person who sacrifices daily for me.

I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.

I just have to understand and respect that she DOES. Then caring about her = putting glass in dishwasher.

Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.

Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.

Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.

Caring about her = “Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?”

Caring about her = a million little things that say “I love you” more than speaking the words ever can.

[NOTE: I felt like I cracked a secret life code when I grasped this idea for the first time. I have to credit the book “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It” for putting me on the right path. Maybe it can help you or your partner, too.]

Yes, It’s That Simple

The man capable of that behavioral change—even when he doesn’t understand her or agree with her thought-process—can have a great relationship.

Men want to fight for their right to leave that glass there. It might look like this:

“Eat shit, wife,” we think. “I sacrifice a lot for you, and you’re going to get on me about ONE glass by the sink? THAT little bullshit glass that takes a few seconds to put in the dishwasher, which I’ll gladly do when I know I’m done with it, is so important to you that you want to give me crap about it? You want to take an otherwise peaceful evening and have an argument with me, and tell me how I’m getting something wrong and failing you, over this glass? After all of the big things I do to make our life possible—things I never hear a “thank you” for (and don’t ask for)—you’re going to elevate a glass by the sink into a marriage problem? I couldn’t be THAT petty if I tried. And I need to dig my heels in on this one. If you want that glass in the dishwasher, put it in there yourself without telling me about it. Otherwise, I’ll put it away when people are coming over, or when I’m done with it. This is a bullshit fight that feels unfair and I’m not just going to bend over for you.”

The man DOES NOT want to divorce his wife because she’s nagging him about the glass thing which he thinks is totally irrational. He wants her to agree with him that when you put life in perspective, a glass being by the sink when no one is going to see it anyway, and the solution takes four seconds, is just not a big problem. She should recognize how petty and meaningless it is in the grand scheme of life, he thinks, and he keeps waiting for her to agree with him.

She will never agree with him, because it’s not about the glass for her. The glass situation could be ANY situation in which she feels unappreciated and disrespected by her husband.

The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink.

She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him. Thus, she must leave and find a new situation in which she can feel content and secure.

In theory, the man wants to fight this fight, because he thinks he’s right (and I agree with him): The dirty glass is not more important than marital peace.

If his wife thought and felt like him, he’d be right to defend himself. Unfortunately, most guys don’t know that she’s NOT fighting about the glass. She’s fighting for acknowledgment, respect, validation, and his love.

If he KNEW that—if he fully understood this secret she has never explained to him in a way that doesn’t make her sound crazy to him (causing him to dismiss it as an inconsequential passing moment of emo-ness), and that this drinking glass situation and all similar arguments will eventually end his marriage, I believe he WOULD rethink which battles he chose to fight, and would be more apt to take action doing things he understands to make his wife feel loved and safe.

I think a lot of times, wives don’t agree with me. They don’t think it’s possible that their husbands don’t know how their actions make her feel because she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her and how much it hurts.

And this is important: Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” something. Right or wrong, he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt. It’s like, he doesn’t think she has the right to (and then use it as a weapon against him) because it feels unfair.

“I never get upset with you about things you do that I don’t like!” men reason, as if their wives are INTENTIONALLY choosing to feel hurt and miserable.

When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore.

It’s not: Sonofabitch, I have to do this bullshit thing for my wife again. It’s: I’m grateful for another opportunity to demonstrate to my wife that she comes first and that I can be counted on to be there for her, and needn’t look elsewhere for happiness and fulfillment.

Once someone figures out how to help a man equate the glass situation (which does not, and will never, affect him emotionally) with DEEPLY wounding his wife and making her feel sad, alone, unloved, abandoned, disrespected, afraid, etc. …  Once men really grasp that and accept it as true even though it doesn’t make sense to them?

Everything changes forever.

…..

Like this post? Hate it? You can subscribe to this blog by scrolling annoyingly far to the bottom left-hand corner of this page and inserting your email address under “Follow Blog via Email.” You can also follow MBTTTR on Twitter and Facebook.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

4,168 thoughts on “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

  1. Nick says:

    There’s something insane about this entire post and the thread following it — it’s too involved for me to put my finger on, but I guess I’d just like to observe that we’ve apparently moved from a culture where the words ‘for better or for worse’ laid the foundation of a marriage, to one where a glass left by a sink can metastasize into such a large failure that it forms part of the rationale for ending one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ana W says:

      I agree that we’ve definitely moved from “for better or for worse” to something much more shallow and fickle. However, in this article, the glass by the sink represents a larger issue – i.e., not to be reduced to the glass but what it represents. I’m still mystified by how many people (a lot of them men – sincerely no offense) get angry about the glass thing and selectively choose to ignore the larger issue of what the glass represented. No one leaves a marriage because of a glass by the sink.

      Liked by 4 people

  2. Honest K says:

    I shared this on my FB page, I hope you don’t mind. I found myself in a debate with a friend of mine. Either he completely missed the point of the post or I did. It’s very interesting to see what other’s make of this topic, one that I can relate to very much and see beyond the seemingly simple act of leaving a glass by the sink. It’s amazing how trying to educate or enlighten can lead to stubborn horn locking on both sides. I loved this post and thought it gave a brilliant insight to something which many couples struggle with and even struggle to describe.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Loretta says:

    Wow….you hit the nail on the head! I would like to share this on my FaceBook page, Countdown to 60. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Cheryl Russell says:

    I’m printing this to give to my hubby the next time we have “that” conversation. You need to take this message on tour! Incidentally, I’m also dealing with this with 2 teenage daughters. GIRLS! But they’re teens, with not-fully-formed brains —-YET. My 49-year old hubby should be able to “get” this. It’s totally NOT about the glass. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. evelynmalves says:

    Spot on. That’s exactly how I feel!
    The difference is that I do tell my partner I feel that way and yet nothing ever changes.
    I even sent this to him but when I asked if he was going ready it, he said he would not. I guess some people aren’t willing to learn from other people’s mistakes…

    Like

  6. Cassandra says:

    You’ve figured out your wife’s love language: “Acts of service”.

    Not everybody has the same love languages.
    It’s a matter of figuring out what your partners language is and then meeting in the middle.

    The Five Love Languages is a great book. Anybody who found this article helpful should give it a read.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. […] lot of people have sent me this article and asked for my opinion on it. SHE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE I LEFT DISHES BY THE SINK On one hand, I think this is great. There are some nuggets of wisdom that this man articulates very […]

    Like

  8. Kris May says:

    Thank you, Matt! I’m loving the way you write (I’ve got a ton of shit to do, but you keep sucking me in- I’ve been reading your blog for well over an hour) But seriously, a big, giant thank you. Unfortunately, I have rounded the corner into the apathetic ‘I don’t give a fuck I’m ready for a divorce’ state of being. Your blog makes me laugh and dislike my idiot husband a little less. “Humor is the good natured side of a truth”- Mark Twain

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ana says:

    Thought about this today – I’ve commented here before – last I was on the verge of moving out and now I’ve been out for about 3 months. We alternate time in the house with the kids so they don’t shuffle around – we shuffle. This is for the separation – after divorce we will go more traditional. I looked forward to my own place – away from chaos and time to myself. Well meaning friends told me I would be lonely and that I was living in a fantasy. I am home this week with my kids and as I was cleaning out the filthy fridge and cleaning up mess I come home to every other week when it is my week to come home – I think how happy I am to have my small cocoon of sanity that is mine where I can focus on just me and the mess I clean doesn’t belong to another grown person who could do much better if he cared. Note it’s not the kids mess I clean when I come home. They don’t leave grease On the stove or counter or rancid dishcloths (which are used to clean the counter and leave Greasy streaks everywhere). Crumbs on the floor and tables, wrappers all over the place. No thought to organizing the mess that organically piles up in a house for a family. He watched me clean the fridge today – just stood there while I did it. I had cleaned the upstairs fridge weeks ago and said the downstairs needed wiping out – which is put back up fridge do not as full / did he do it? No. So I did it today. Bc I don’t want filth near holiday food I’d soon be cooking for him and my kids and later his parents.

    I finished the fridge and asked him to clean some of the glass with stuck on jelly and goo that needed washing on the counter – hopefully he puts it back when he’s done. I’m sure now he will be congratulating himself for “helping”.

    Every time I wonder if being to harsh I have a biweekly reminder that I made the right decision. I reminded him of a about a dozen things that needed doing this weekend which he’s forgotten to do and planning for the holidays which he leaves to me to delegate and set the schedule for – and a bunch of other stuff. The mental strain is what makes me so tired- and I start to count down days when I can go back to my little room of my own where I can rest again before I have to do this all over again.

    Some idiot said something about how maybe if the guy was better in bed his wife wouldn’t have left him. My man was great in bed – I left him anyway.

    Like

  10. Ana says:

    Thought about this today – I’ve commented here before – last I was on the verge of moving out and now I’ve been out for about 3 months. We alternate time in the house with the kids so they don’t shuffle around – we shuffle. This is for the separation – after divorce we will go more traditional. I looked forward to my own place – away from chaos and time to myself. Well meaning friends told me I would be lonely and that I was living in a fantasy. I am home this week with my kids and as I was cleaning out the filthy fridge and cleaning up mess I come home to every other week when it is my week to come home – I think how happy I am to have my small cocoon of sanity that is mine where I can focus on just me and the mess I clean doesn’t belong to another grown person who could do much better if he cared. Note it’s not the kids mess I clean when I come home. They don’t leave grease On the stove or counter or rancid dishcloths (which are used to clean the counter and leave Greasy streaks everywhere). Crumbs on the floor and tables, wrappers all over the place. No thought to organizing the mess that organically piles up in a house for a family. He watched me clean the fridge today – just stood there while I did it. I had cleaned the upstairs fridge weeks ago and said the downstairs needed wiping out – which is put back up fridge do not as full / did he do it? No. So I did it today. Bc I don’t want filth near holiday food I’d soon be cooking for him and my kids and later his parents.

    I finished the fridge and asked him to clean some of the glass with stuck on jelly and goo that needed washing on the counter – hopefully he puts it back when he’s done. I’m sure now he will be congratulating himself for “helping”.

    Every time I wonder if being to harsh I have a biweekly reminder that I made the right decision. I reminded him of a about a dozen things that needed doing this weekend which he’s forgotten to do and planning for the holidays which he leaves to me to delegate and set the schedule for – and a bunch of other stuff. The mental strain is what makes me so tired- and I start to count down days when I can go back to my little room of my own where I can rest again before I have to do this all over again.

    Some idiot said something about how maybe if the guy was better in bed his wife wouldn’t have left him. My man was great in bed – I left him anyway.

    Like

  11. Beth says:

    Dear God, Matt…you’re a damn genius, man. Most divorced men can’t scrape together a fraction of the emotional insight, reflection and self-awareness packed into this article. You hit on so many points that resonate with me and what it was like to be in a marriage with my ex-husband. I love, looooove how you verbalized the attitude of men who expect that exchanging marriage vows automatically entitles them to their wife’s respect (and blind, unearned trust.) I would have loved to suggest that my ex read this before it was too late, but come now… Do I really think there’s a chance in hell he would have taken the time to read something important to my heart? Hahaha! Nope. The mere suggestion would have implied he needs to improve, and therefore would have been an affront to the respect he deserves, dammit. You hit on that dynamic in the “Eat shit, wife” part about men feeling indignant when a wife asks something of them, when they’re already contributing to the household.

    My thing was never literal glasses by the sink. In fact, it never bothered me that I did 95% of the million acts required to keep a clean, nice home. I loved it. If I noticed dirty dishes, then guess what… I’d wash them, unbothered (I’m a gem, what can I say.) That said, a man earns (or loses) my respect based on how he handles conflict, how gentle he is regarding my emotions/heart, and the actions he takes to build trust with me (i.e. he knows I’ve been cheated on and so chooses to share his phone, not treat it as a private appendage attached to his body. And might I add here my own personal opinion that your phone only needs to go in the bathroom with you every single damn time if it dispenses toilet paper.) My “glass by the sink” was how emotionally cruel my ex felt he could be towards me. If I’ve communicated for the hundredth time that it rips my heart out when he stonewalls me as a form of conflict resolution….and then he once again storms out of the house, roaring away in his truck while I’m crying on the floor… Well then. Guess what that’s going to tell me? This man who says he loves me doesn’t give a shit about my heart. He just wants me to shut up and keep my mouth closed. If I had a need, especially related to trust, it was a source of conflict for him: Would he please give me hotel information for those once a month work trips? (Not important when he’s so busy. I should trust him because don’t I know he’s a good guy?!) Or the fact that it made me feel very uneasy that his phone and passwords were off limits when it was his idea before we got married to share his phone. (How dare I imply that he’s hiding something! Disrespect!)

    It’s like you said… “Men want to fight for their right to leave that glass there.” Your wife technically has no right to any efforts on your part. She technically has no right to infringe on your autonomy. But…do you love her? Are you in a partnership? Or are you still mentally a single man, one who has just added the benefits of a wife to his life? From what I’ve experienced, respect to a lot of men means a woman keeping her mouth shut and letting them do what they’re going to do. Yeah…the more I type, the less I want to ever remarry. On that note, my ex did send me a four-sentence email expressing his “overwhelming regret.” I didn’t respond, because his regret won’t fix anything. If he would have expressed even half of the insight in this article, maybe we’d have something to talk about.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Joe Rouleau says:

    Ok so you start putting your glass on the dishwasher. Then she finds something else to represent the same feeling of disrespect and lack of concern for.her feelings so.you start doing whatever it is she requires. And then she finds another thing and another thing. Eventually you do everything she expects and it’s still not enough. This means there’s deeper unresolved issues. In most cases like this , this type of woman will always find fault because no amount of validating her feelings will work. Then what ?

    Like

    • Matt says:

      What if your legit efforts to understand the root cause so that she wouldn’t hurt was the actual thing that mattered to her?

      Liked by 1 person

    • Mickisue says:

      You do not, I assume, know the author’s ex wife, and yet you claim to be able to predict her response. You do not know the author, either, and yet you decide that his understanding of what went wrong in his marriage, his willingness to take responsibility for his lack of concern for her needs is not a cause. Rather, you decide, her”type”—women who want feel heard, to feel valued—just up the ante when their husbands show that they’re listening.

      All this leads me to ask: what are you so afraid of? Why do you view kindness and concern for your partner as somehow a dangerous opening for that “type “ of woman?

      I feel sorry for you, and the upbringing that shriveled your heart.

      Like

    • chrisb says:

      I found myself in that trap. Once I changed one thing, it was something else. And each time I changed my anger and resentment grew.

      What I didn’t realize was, underneath it all there was something ELSE bothering her. Each thing was just a substitute for that one central issue,

      The issue was the fact that I was not present with her. I was there, and doing things, but my mind was somewhere else, thinking about work or hobbies. It’s a problem other people have complained about. She didn’t know how to communicate that one thing to me, so she kept using substitutes which didn’t satisfy her. Once we were separated for awhile I finally figured it out.

      Like

  13. This may have already been addressed, but I don’t feel like reading through all 4000+ comments.

    While I do think these issues are important for men to think about in relationships (and act upon), in your specific instance, given hindsight, I wonder whether this was the right partnership/marriage/soulmate for you and you could have absolutely maintained a great marriage with the right partner had you had this epiphany and acted upon it soon enough, or whether this is possibly a sign/symbol/what have you that this wasn’t the right partner/marriage/etc.

    It doesn’t, I don’t think, belie your points, but the underlying inference for me in this is “if I had thought about things more from her perspective, I wouldn’t have lost my lobster….”

    Like

  14. Brian says:

    I know neither the author nor his ex, so I’ll make this as general as I can while still staying on point. Just my take on it for better or worse.

    If the wife simply came out and said “Hey… look, when you leave the glass there, it makes me feel like you’re not even aware that it is hurting me in a way that’s actually way bigger than just the glass” instead of hinting around and playing the “This issue we’re currently arguing isn’t actually the real issue that I’m pissed off about and fighting like hell over” game; the guy is now presented with a statement that needs to be digested prior to spewing an an emotional “WTF? Really? Over a glass?” response.

    I get what you’re trying to say but your retrospective conclusion is simply not the first or even the second conclusion that a guy left guessing is going to come up with. It takes both parties to communicate how they feel in a way that the other will receive it and process it. You almost knocked it out of the park with “Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” “. Telling ANYONE something that doesn’t make sense once or a million times isn’t going to make them know. I’m curious if the roles were reversed would my wife of 18 years (living together for 23) even consider that the seemingly minor spat was really part of a bigger issue that was potentially marriage ending.

    A couple parting comments….

    “Feeling respected by others is important to men.”
    Nahhh… It’s important to PEOPLE, not just men.

    “It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.”
    And nothing shuts it down quicker than nitpicking the way “you got it”

    If “The man DOES NOT want to divorce his wife because she’s nagging him about the glass thing” and “The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink.” BUT “She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her”

    Then just maybe it’s worth actually stating that thing that’s really bothering you in the first place regardless of your perceived gender based entitlement.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      I think there’s a lot of good and fair thoughts and comments here, Brian. Thanks for chiming in.

      I do apologize for the gender-specific commentary, as it wasn’t written in a way that reflects what I really believe about men and women, nor with the care I would have taken had I known several million people were going to read it. I was/am as surprised as you are.

      I’d seriously like to take a deeper dive on a couple of these points with you, but I’m just a guy with a real corporate job, and have some deadlines to hit.

      Hopefully, I won’t forget to come back to this. Thank you again for taking the time to read and write something thoughtful and substantive.

      Like

  15. Laurie says:

    Years ago I was cleaning the house and my husband was in his chair watching TV. I must have walked by him a dozen times. Finally I said “Are you going to help me?” BTW,we both worked full time jobs. He replied “I didn’t know you needed help. You didn’t tell me you needed help.” Okay it’s like that. Several weeks passed. I cooked dinner one night, 3 chicken breasts. One each for myself and our two boys. My hubby went to make his plate, came out and asked “Where is the chicken?” I replied “I didn’t know you were hungry. You didn’t tell me you were hungry.” At that point he realized where I was coming from turned around and made a plate of rice and vegetables. He is much better now.

    Like

  16. […] story the mum is referring to concerns Matthew Fray whose wife left and divorced him in 2016 because he kept leaving his washing […]

    Like

  17. […] January 2016, I published an article titled “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink” which became the most popular thing on the internet worldwide for a day or so and has now been read […]

    Like

  18. […] story the mum is referring to concerns Matthew Fray whose wife left and divorced him in 2016 because he kept leaving his washing […]

    Like

  19. […] story the mum is referring to concerns Matthew Fray whose wife left and divorced him in 2016 because he kept leaving his washing […]

    Like

  20. Michelle says:

    Reading this article thinking holy shit, you actually GET it. I’m currently inwardly tearing my hair out over my own still-husband’s ‘glass on the sink’ and it’s heartening. A highly intelligent, motivated guy who cares for me yet doesn’t do the one thing I tell him over and over that I need from him. The glass on the sink representing so much more in a relationship reminds me of that line in Phenomenon a bit- cheesy movie but ‘He bought her chairs’ really stuck in my memory. :)

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Matt Hoy says:

    My wife and I have similar struggles. I am a naturally messy person. I understand that’s not fun to live with. I try to fight it constantly, but I often fail. So I often leave the glass by the sink, but my wife takes it in a similarly personal way. At some point the constant drama comes down to me hearing, “This thing about you is unforgivable. You need to be something else or my feelings will remain hurt. I am going to hold both of our happiness hostage until you change.” I understand that this comes from her insecurity. When she feels this, she tries to exert control to feel better, but that gets my hackles up. A damaging cycle ensues. It’s exhausting to feel constantly blamed and inferior. She feels unloved. Neither of us intends to make the other feel in these ways. I don’t know what to do other than try to self-discipline, not hate her for it, and maybe someday it will not be so hard, but I feel like part of me will have to die first. It’s hard to be excited about that and I’m not sure I can realistically be successful.

    Like

  22. […] Matthew Fray (She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink) […]

    Like

  23. I’m not married, but the thing that gripped me most about this article is the part about not being someone’s mother

    “But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household”.

    This is spot on, and I have dated men like this a few times – who need to be told what to do, or don’t worry about things like planning holidays, talking to the landlord with complaints, doing the food shopping, planning what we will do at the weekend – don’t worry Bunty will organise all of that seems to the be attitude. It’s literally so off putting for me as a woman, that even if they have lots of other good qualities like kindness, or trustworthiness, eventually I will have to leave them as I do not want to be the mother to an adult man.

    Liked by 2 people

  24. […] There’s this article, where a man confesses he should have done the dishes more. […]

    Like

Join the Conversation!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: