Your Wife Thinks You’re a Bad Husband Because You Are One

See that guy in the back? He's probably employed, faithful, easy to get along with, and generally nice to people and his wife. That must also mean he's a good husband, right?

See that guy in the back? He’s probably employed, faithful, easy to get along with, and generally nice to people, including his wife. That must also mean he’s a good husband, right?

We have a problem, guys.

I don’t know why we have the problem, but if you want to have a non-sucky marriage, it will help to acknowledge this, then work daily to overcome it.

You think your wife is unfairly critical of you. That she’s ungrateful. That she’s always coming up with a new problem or complaint with your behavior. That she’s constantly nagging you about something, and usually at the least-convenient times after a long day at work.

You think your wife is a little bit crazy. She’s upset and it’s a total freaking mystery to you because you would NEVER get upset over something so little and insignificant, right? So, she’s crazy. Hormonal. She must be. It’s the only logical explanation.

You think your wife has a problem with priorities. You would never start a fight with her for leaving a towel on the floor of your bedroom. It doesn’t really matter! Or over forgetting to set out the chicken to defrost for dinner. We can just order pizza and eat the chicken tomorrow! Not a big deal! Let’s not fight over silly things!

But more important than that, she was the person you gave up your bacherlorhood and individuality for. Of every person on planet Earth, she is the one you proposed to and vowed to faithfully live with forever. And you’ve probably sacrificed a lot for her, right? Maybe she decides what town you live in, and what house you bought, and how the house looks, and mostly dictates the general rhythm of your lives. Maybe you go to work every day, handing over entire paychecks so she can decide what to do with it. Maybe you let her drive the nicer of your two cars. You feel like you’ve dedicated the majority of your existence to being her partner for the rest of your life, and you’ve done so mostly complaint-free. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Your ONLY complaint is that she’s always on your ass about something. Can’t you just chill out and not give me shit, since I NEVER give you shit!?, we all think.

It’s because, despite our imperfections (which to us feel the same as theirs—we just don’t complain about theirs much) we know we’re pretty decent guys.

We know we love our wives and families, and every time someone suggests our love isn’t good enough, we get a little bit prideful and a little bit pissed off. Especially when it’s our wives.

I get it. I felt the same way.

You Have a Problem with Relativism, and It Will Probably Earn You Divorce

I don’t cheat on my wife. A lot of husbands do. Since I don’t, I must be a good one.

I don’t hit my wife. A lot of husbands do. Since I don’t, I must be a good one.

I don’t drink excessively or do drugs. A lot of husbands do. Since I don’t, I must be a good one.

I have a job making good money and provide for my wife. A lot of husbands don’t. Since I do, I must be a good one.

I’m a good guy and a nice person. A lot of husbands aren’t. Since I’m a good, nice guy, I must therefore be a good husband.

Then we make it worse.

Because we’re so good at logical reasoning and leaving emotion out of it unlike our idiot wives, we surmise that her complaints about us lack merit. We’re good husbands! We just established this! So she’s being an unfair bitch right now, but she’ll get over it if I just go watch TV in the other room!

Moving forward, every time our wives complain about us, we chalk it up as another bullshit nag-fest because A. She’s complaining about this insignificant crap I would NEVER complain about, while ignoring all the actual important things I do every day that matter! and B. I’m a good husband, and this is the same fight we always have, and she’s obviously full of shit.

I Have Bad News

You can be a great guy and be a bad electrician.

You can be a great guy and be a lousy dancer.

You can be a great guy and be a shitty husband.

Relativism is a funny thing. I certainly dabble in all kinds of it. I always figure, if there’s a God, I’m in good shape spiritually because I treat people kindly while not murdering, raping, kidnapping, stealing, fighting, vandalizing, abusing, etc. It’s a logical fallacy. It’s one I use to make myself feel better and avoid making difficult and disciplined lifestyle changes.

And I’m sorry, guys. Just because you make a bunch of money and avoid having sex with other women on business trips and tend to not criticize your wife’s choices as much as she does yours, doesn’t make you a good husband.

Marriage isn’t graded on a curve. Just because millions of assholes are getting an F and you’re getting a C-, doesn’t mean you deserve a pizza party for making your imaginary Honor Roll. C- grades are shitty regardless of how many guys are doing it worse than you.

Marriage grades are strictly pass or fail.

HALF OF ALL MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE. Of the ones that don’t, how many of those appear to be fun, loving, satisfying relationships? Look around and decide for yourself. In other words, even if you aren’t divorced, does that mean you’re succeeding in your marriage?


Shameless Self-Promotion Note About My Coaching Services

I started coaching in 2019. Clients and I work collaboratively through current and past relationship stuff in order to improve existing relationships or to prepare for future ones. Other clients are trying to find themselves after divorce or a painful breakup. We talk by phone or video conference. People like it. Or at least they fake it really well by continuing to schedule future coaching calls and give me more money. If you’re going through something and think I might be able to help, it’s really easy to find out for sure. Learn More Here.


I have a son in second grade. He’s awesome. But he’s a complete tool bag sometimes when we’re working on math homework and he guesses the answer wrong by a digit or two, and then defends his wrong answer by saying “I was close!” before telling me he doesn’t want to learn how to do math because he doesn’t feel like it.

There’s no “close to correct” in math. It’s either correct (and for the purposes of second-grade math, there is only ONE right answer and an infinite number of wrong ones), or it’s not. I think marriage is exactly like that.

You can’t almost get marriage right. You can’t be close to being a good husband.

You either ARE a good husband (which requires a daily display of strength and heroism and fortitude and courage and discipline and empathy and wisdom and knowledge and love), or you’re not one.

We get defensive. We buck and protest and point fingers and deflect.

But you know.

Dude. I know that you know that I know that you know that you’re a little bit selfish and that you frequently make choices that are easiest for you, often at the expense of your wife’s preferences. You do it all the time.

Sure, I know you just forgot, sometimes! I’m the freaking king of forgetting. But when you don’t create a system to not forget anymore (that you have that thing on Tuesday, or your wedding anniversary, or to pick up the dry cleaning, or whatever) so that your wife knows she’s loved and respected enough for you to take care of things and demonstrate you can be counted on, you reinforce feelings of mistrust that make her feel afraid and insecure about her entire life.

That will end badly for all parties, even when it seems so insignificant to you in the moment.

There are many ways to die.

Instantly, from a bullet.

Or imperceptibly slow from undetected cancer.

She can trust me to not cheat!

Sorry, man. No one gives a shit. If basic assurances of sexual faithfulness didn’t come with the most base-model marital packages, marriage would cease to be a thing. She already assumes she can and should be able to trust you to not bang other chicks. It’s best to not expect pats on the back for your restraint.

If you’re still reading, you might be tired of being lectured by some divorced asshole on the internet. You might be wondering why—if I’m so brilliant about marriage—mine ended.

It’s because I had a problem with relativism and it earned me a divorce.

Everyone’s different, so maybe divorce won’t be bad for you. For me, it was the worst thing that ever happened, and I cried a lot more than a man should, and dying didn’t seem so bad for a while.

And you know what I thought about every day for the next year or two while I was struggling to get my shit together? If I’d spent every day giving 10 percent more to the person I loved above all things, my wife and son would still live here and my life would be much happier.

Because, I wasn’t a bad guy. I was just a bad husband.

And if I had it to do over again, I’d have made better choices—choices that might still be available to you.

Maybe you can start right now.

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185 thoughts on “Your Wife Thinks You’re a Bad Husband Because You Are One

  1. Missy says:

    I was focusing on being “one” with my husband since last night. I think I will just continue. I noticed something that works for me when I am oppressed by sad thoughts and feeling like life is an imposition. I just switch to thinking of it in terms of possibilities and opportunities and more like life is a gift. That doesn’t mean I ignore signals about my needs. But I notice that a lot can be helped by just a mental shift.

    My husband tends to invalidate me when I have complaints or concerns. So, I have to remind myself that I did take the step to tell him what’s up with me. It’s just how he responded. I end up feeling like he’s telling me my behavior is wrong or weak or confused. I think it’s because he hears a negative feeling from me and suddenly feels blamed for it. And then just tries to transfer the blame to me with his corrective advice. All I’m looking for is a little validation and consolation and I get a lecture. All I can do it tell myself he is trying to help and is a little sensitive. I might try changing the way I disclose certain issues to him. I might frame them in ways that show I little way for him to help me. Like, instead of, “My brain won’t shut down for the night. I think there’s something medically wrong with me,” and then getting criticized, I can just tell him, ask what for what I think would help from him. Like, “I would love to fall asleep after a little…” You can insert whatever—“from you.”

    Certain days are particularly stressful, so I just come in the door promising myself I will start out complaining about nothing and just listening. Some of his anger did eventually flair up, but I was able to uncover the causes more easily and didn’t fire back with my own anger. I found out there was a serious concern in his family that was troubling him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      It shouldn’t fall to one person alone to mindfully control their emotional responses, but I️ think it’s pure magic what happens when someone humbly does. Thank you for this.


      • Jessica Kaufman says:

        This relationship sounds not magical and humble but miserable, guilt ridden, and just awful. This is the problem with a lot of relationships. They shouldn’t be happening. Does this person shes with sound like a partner in any way? I have to admit I’m grateful this wife doesn’t have kids because she’d be modeling subservience and codependency for them and perpetuating this behavior ad naseum. Martyrdom isn’t sexy or beautiful, it’s sad, disgusting and usually misguided.


  2. jesse says:

    What a crock of SHIT. It’s about teamwork and mutual respect. But of course, continue the disillusioned stereotype that the man is ALWAYS wrong about EVERYTHING. That’s progress.

    Just because you’re a great woman doesn’t mean you’re not a shitty wife.

    Liked by 1 person

    • GOOT says:

      THANK YOU JESSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      delusional garbage


      • No Perfect says:

        Happy wife, happy life, which is working out great… for my wife. Men are now being endlessly asked to indulge female crazy. Sorry, I’m out.


    • Felicia says:

      You are completely free to NOT read this blog, the fact that you ARE, shows me deep down, you really need to know this stuff yourself. It called humility, and taking responsibility for your own actions. Its a beautiful thing, if everybody did it the world would be a way better place. Matt displays insight and characteristics of a REAL godly man, the way a real man was designed to be. Not the way society and the world has molded men to be….Thank you for your courage and leading by example, Matt! Please keep it up, you are helping a lot of people.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Missy says:

    Well, Jesse, maybe I was going for the same thing–but with more subtle inferences, perhaps. That is to say, I think we agree with you–or at least, I have no problem with your point. Although I may not have used the same imagery.

    But you know, sometimes you just have to start punching four letter words into your google search to get meaningful results.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Missy says:

    Anyway, I’m confident we’ll get through to each other because there is real love, even with different styles. Saving the rest for my guy… Bye. bye!


  5. E says:

    Well said, feel like that now. Still tough to give an extra 10% (not minimizing it but have to start as big as I can) but, need to.


  6. rikusdeb says:

    I should’ve read this 9 months ago. I am at the tipping point and I think my wife is going to ask for a divorce. She’s afraid that I can’t change. I am afraid that she may be right. How do I change this at this stage? We have three previous make up sessions, but I steam rolled her thinking that I was always right. Always explaining her to death on how she is wrong and how I am right. Three times already. I don’t deserve her, but she is my life. How in the world can I rectify this? I continue to think that I am in a nightmare and that it would be over and I could wake up a changed man.


    • Jessica Kaufman says:

      Why did you do this at the time? The 3 times? I truly do not understand how someone can want to do something but doesn’t know how. Like, you know you steam rolled her the first time and then went ahead and did it again? Or did you do it those three times and not realize until much later (now)?


  7. Meghann says:

    Im wife..This is the best “lecture” I’ve ever read. I’ve been searching forever for that perfect page to send him and this is it. Our marriage is relative what you said, even down to the “killing you slowly cancer” ( we have been together for 4 years now, and Sept 14th he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.) Treatments ARE working btw! I just wanted to thank you because if this doesn’t get through nothing will!


  8. Wesley Stinson says:

    If only I saw this a year ago, or even a week ago.


  9. Paul says:

    I am a horrible Dirtbag husband


  10. Rob says:

    I practiced relativism today with flourish! Because a half-full dishwasher that wasn’t run isn’t something you blow my phone up about when I’m at work. Same goes for dirty floors (we have two dogs and two cats). Same goes for the condition of bedrooms.

    I have significantly more important stuff to do at work, like my job, so that I can contribute.


  11. Shane Snow says:

    Thank you, I totally needed this. All I long I have been thinking that’s it’s Her fault my wife decided to go unemployed for the past eight years, taking a sofa sabbatical gaining 150lbs, her fault she spens recklessly and tells me to get a second job. I’m glad to know it’s not her fault, but mine.


    • Matt says:

      I think you’re smart enough to know the difference between what I’ve written here and your situation.

      Maybe you shouldn’t try harder at work, but you should definitely try harder at reading comprehension and being a reasonable-minded human being.

      Liked by 3 people

  12. Von says:

    Thank you. I needed to read this.



  13. bwa88 says:

    Hey Matt,
    Thanks for having the courage to share your story. The funny part is, I’m not married but me and my girlfriend have a child and we’ve lived together long enough to be married. Some of our issues mirror what you described. I will take your advice and try to be stronger and more kind. I think as humans we tend to see things our way, but I don’t want to miss out on being with a woman who truly loves me. My biggest issue however is that I am still not attracted to her the way I’d like to be. I love her and she loves me, but sometimes I feel if I was more attracted to her I’d naturally be more caring. Nevertheless, I will try 10% more each day to be more loving and less selfish. Thanks for the eye opener. At least if things don’t work out, I can walk away knowing that I did my absolute best to love her. Sound right?


  14. Randy says:

    Thanks for this. I’ve been trying to figure out what my wife’s problem was and and it turns out it was me the whole time. Time to do way more than just be a good guy.


  15. ltd says:

    “Dude. I know that you know that I know that you know that you’re a little bit selfish and that you frequently make choices that are easiest for you, often at the expense of your wife’s preferences. You do it all the time.”

    I’m guessing your wife did the same to you, ALL THE TIME. What you describe is simply human nature. Sounds like you took all the blame and responsibility onto yourself for all the areas in life where you and your wife’s “preferences” did not mesh, where in fact, compromise should’ve happened.

    You shouldn’t have to be superhuman or always putting the other person first. Maybe your wife needed to meet you halfway a little. Just a thought.


  16. Mr. Steel your wife says:

    This is def written by a woman or a bitch ass husband with no balls.


    • Matt says:

      I bet you were a whiz in the classroom. If you share a mailing address maybe we can send you a color-by-numbers coloring book and a nice box of crayons.


  17. Keith Colson says:

    I guess a lot of us men are bad husbands. With divorce in the US brought on about 75% of the time by unhappy wives. Maybe women shouldn’t be expecting so much from a man because he is just a man. We think differently. And we should. Where I believe the trouble comes from is there are men that are that special kind of guy that does all that to keep his marriage together which for most men is too much work. We like basic. Faithfulness should be applauded. It’s easy to get caught up. Just because she’s attentive to detail, why should she expect the same from us. That is the selfishness in relationships. Love because you can. Not because you get it right. I no longer try to be perfect, but I do try. And who says relationships should make us happy anyway. Happiness before, after, and in between.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cyrus says:

      Keith’s comment sparked a lot of thought. I have zero problem understanding that I have flaws and that I brought those into my marriage. I also understand that my wife has flaws and brought hers into the marriage as well. What seems to trip me up however, is that the expectation from her to me is that I need to overcome my flaws faster and better in order for her to have to a better experience in our marriage–but I’m not permitted to foster those same expectations toward her. I don’t know that I’m practicing relativism as much as I desire equity. I don’t spend a lot of time comparing myself to other men/husbands–everyone’s at a different place on this continuum called life. What I do look at and analyze is the level of equity that’s occurring/not occurring in our marriage. I don’t mean tit for tat…you do this and I’ll do that. My wife and I are different people, with different skills, talents, desires, personalities, mindsets, etc. It seems ridiculous to think that we would be on the same page about everything, but the response I get from my wife is that I need to be on the same page with her or else she doesn’t feel validated and that door doesn’t swing both ways–I’m not permitted to feel or express the same to her. (Kinda like women getting upset at men for not putting the toilet seat down–but men not being able to voice the opposite argument for not having the seat put up–where’s the equity in that!?) I’m not anti-wife, or anti-emotion, or anti-compassion, and really desire to live peaceably with my wife, but I can’t wrap my mind around why the maxim is “happy wife, happy life”!? That just seems to set both sides up for disappointment. As a matter of comparison, I have one brother-in-law who treats my sister as his queen–it’s almost too sappy for me to watch. I have another brother-in-law who treats my sister as his best friend; they do everything together and wear the same outfits and and post everything they do on social media. I have still another brother-in-law who treats my sister almost like his arch nemesis–like Sherlock Holmes going against Professor Moriarty–a battle of wits with teasing banter and witty mind games. All three of my sisters rave about each of their respective husbands and how much they feel treasured and appreciated by them–and talk crap about each other’s husbands not being the “right” kind of husband. It seems so arbitrary. Wouldn’t seem reasonable then to just be good, decent human beings with each other. Learn to trouble yourselves on each other’s behalf. Care for and support one another, enjoy each other’s company, set some common goals, raise good-minded kids, and learn how to live peaceably with each other? I thought marriage was about companionship–maybe I was wrong!? If I “need” to have my wife validate me and make me feel secure in my life, I’ve placed too heavy a burden of expectation on her and will crush her–why then does it seem to be socially acceptable (and expected) that husbands should do that for wives? When you look around the globe at the way every culture treats marriage differently and has different qualifications for what constitutes a “good” marriage, maybe the only real answer is knock off the bullshit and just make it work for you and your wife? Even if that means agreeing to disagree about things. Or maybe that’s being too simple about the whole matter!? At any rate, I appreciated the article and the comments; really made me think about this topic.


  18. Frip Frappy says:

    You’re a cuck pos. Period. Grow a pair and stop trying to sleep with married women. They’re and easy enough target… you obviously 400lbs or a total nerd.

    Women are hormonal and they want equal rights without equal responsibility.

    Everyone needs to grow up and realize that life is very simple..: be nice and expect rational treatment in return. Not nice in return, rational.

    Life is an ever twisting set of experiences ALL realized by other people.

    Be the best you can and understand that your “nice” isn’t the same as someone else’s. If they treat you terribly, move on.


    • Matt says:

      Thanks for your valuable contribution. Yes. I’m 400 lbs. Super-nerdy. Trying so hard to sleep with married women. Big facts. You nailed it, Frip.

      Piss off, dipshit.


  19. Mary says:

    Well I read all of these comments and INTERESTING REPLIES!!! However, it blessed me GREATLY!!! THANK YOU for sharing. You are Spot ON!!! Married 28 years today!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. italo4ever says:

    Wow that sounds just like what I’m going through now. I love my wife and my son. And I believe that my wife have unrealistic expectations to me.
    When she get upset at me for whatever I did wrong I go in a self pity mode and don’t do anything to help it, just hoping that if I stay away from her she will come around.
    I hope this is my wake up call that will help me save my marriage.

    Thank you,



  21. Anonymous says:

    You are a realist and I like that. Tell it like it is because there is a ton of other forums that I’ve seen on this that beat around the bush. I’m like you In a way I tell it like it is. Thank you for telling me like is was and helping me with my marriage, I love my wife to death and sometimes I feel as if she is a little hard on me because I do a lot, But me thinking that way shows how selfish I am because I should do all I can and the most for the woman I fell in love with that gave me too many chances. Thanks bro you deserve the Dr. Phil show

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Delilah says:

    Honestly, it’s nice to hear the perspective of a divorcee husband who actually feels he should have/ could have done better. Rather than make excuses or place blame. Often women feel to blame…society expects women to handle everything beautifully, gracefully. One of my biggest problems in relationships is that the other side doesn’t seem to listen and respect my feelings..Also when they do not keep their word, even if it’s something simple like laundry or dishes. It’s a two way street, everyone feels validated differently but it’s your responsibility in a marriage to understand and address eachothers need indiscriminately. Thank you for this writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Gravity says:

    You’re honesty and humbleness was extremely insightful and genuinely refreshing. Thank you! And for what little it’s worth, I’m sorry you lost what you truly love.


  24. Gillian says:

    Whoa, there are some triggered dudes in this comment thread…and too bad there exactly the kind of guy’s who could use this advice but will never get it. Defensive guy’s– I may be new in these parts, but nowhere am I seeing Matt saying women are perfect and that it is “All Men’s Fault.” He is only talking about the ways in which men are destructive in their relationships. Since we can’t forcibly change other people, i.e., our partners, we can only change our own destructive behaviors. Sometimes it only takes one person in a relationship to do that to make a dramatic changes in the relationship.
    That is all Matt is saying; take responsibility for your own destructive behaviors. Validate your wife/partner. Try to understand her even when it feels impossible. I can almost guarantee you, that unless your wife is a narcissist or terribly controlling, she’s going to feel loved and respected by you, and her own anger and resentment are going to subside. You have more control in the relationship than you realize. Stop treating her like she’s a crazy nag and start trying to understand where she’s coming from, and if you don’t see a drastic change in her, well, there’s YOUR answer–she’s not someone you want to be with.

    The name of the game here is taking responsibility for your side of things and being the best partner you can be–regardless of how she is. If you continue to do this and things still don’t change, like I said, there’s your answer.

    This whole, “I hate how men get all the blame, and women can be evil lazy slobs too!” BS. Of course they can, but how is “I know you are but what am I” or “She does it too!!” help your relationship. It doesn’t. It doesn’t help 3’d graders solve their problems, and it doesn’t help you solve your problems because you should be mature enough by now to stop scapegoating other people for your behavior–something were supposed to grow out of in a few short years after 3’d grade, for heavens sake.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      Love you, Gillian. Thank you.


    • erictb says:

      I think it’s a need for “grace”. This “cut into you with ABSOLUTE TRUTH” and “tear you a new one” with it approach is not for everyone. The argument appeals to the “absoluteness” of life, and uses such black and white terms as “pass/fail” and “good/bad” (but then tries to mitigate it with “but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person”), but this just naturally stokes guilt or shame, and puts people who might be stuck in a particular place, in a cruel double-bind. We think it will “shake them up” into “freedom”, but it doesn’t have that affect on everyone, but can drive them further into resistance or despair.

      From a Jung perspective, this is just poking at what’s called people’s “Shadow” (unconscious negative things, and the rest of the stuff our defense mechanisms are set against), which is what will naturally lead to them trying to take you down (i.e. your premise or the “other side” you seem to be defending; e.g. “women do it too”, etc.) People taking this “tough” approach are often fighting their own Shadow (and people can detect this), which they project onto others (who often do have a legitimate “hook” for the projection), and feel that since they’ve admitted their mistakes, “grown”, “continuously trying harder”, etc. they can now tear into others, but that just leads to bad feelings and defensiveness, more often than people seeing any “truth” and changing. (I had a father who often “preached” like this, but ended his own life in the very state of misery he said he was always trying to steer me clear of with that approach).

      So what you’re saying does make sense, but a better approach is to tell people to really reflect on what they want, and assess whether they can meet their partner’s needs, whatever they are.


      • Jessica Kaufman says:

        You used a lot of words to essentially call someone/something out (the website, the author, whichever) for not doing something, when that’s exactly the thing the website/author *is* doing. Lololol. Funny.


  25. John says:

    This is bs

    Liked by 1 person

  26. John says:

    Matt you are a big jerk off


  27. Real Man who don't put up with b****** shit! says:

    F*** this s***! Goddamn nagging breeches need to respect! If I’m making fat money, and letting her do whatever she wants with it, and I occasionally forget to take the chicken out to defrost, she can kiss my ass! I don’t want to be married to that b****, bring on the divorce!


  28. Riley says:

    I think once one gets around the idea that we have to find somone who is perfect and can’t help but love, then marriage works. Its a choice to love somone. I think the most important part of a relationship is just being their for each other, even though we might not understand each other. Its strange when somone is happy all troubles seem to melt away. Some choose happiness some don’t. Breaking it down into percentages seems absurd, and in a sense very limiting. I feel everyone lives the story we tell ourselves. When lets say a wife or husband doesn’t fit into that story we get upset rather than just accepting it for what it is. Once we genuinely take control of our lives and break that mindset then you will be free and happy. Men and women have comfort zones that we get stuck in. Everything outside that zone is what we could have. Why not be uncomfortable and get it? Why be trapped into the same bullshit routine in marriage and life in general.


  29. Arulnathan Gynasegaran says:

    I like the essence of what you said. To be a great guy didn’t necessarily mean you would also happen to be a great husband. There are different requirements to being a great husband for a specific person. We have all seen that great person at work who everyone just loves but also just can’t ever get the job done right. Though we hate to let them go, we have to because we truly need someone who knows how to get the job done for everyone’s sake. That’s probably it with marriage. If you just can’t be a great husband, it would probably be better to either try to improve yourself if you really want to be with this woman or just leave amicably admitting that you can’t be that husband she needs. Thanks for the post. It helped put things in perspective for me.


  30. Dave says:

    This is some of the most baseless, inane, opinion-as-fact cluster fucks of words I have ever read. Do the world a favour, find a new job. You aren’t suited for writing

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Joseph Soon says:

    After reading what you wrote, well yeah I totally agree that you deserved to get divorced.

    It’s not difficult to figure out why when you’re not taking charge and being the alpha here, allowing yourself to be walked over like a doormat and convinced that you’re not good enough.

    There is no such thing as the perfect spouse, we all want to be cake eaters but the reality is there isn’t such a thing.

    When a man works hard to provide for the family, keeps his penis to his own, the least he can expect from his wife when he is home is to have food on the table, kids taken care and a warm bed.

    Any woman who still complains when her husband provides everything is a true example of an ungrateful bitch and deserves to be sent packing and shown the door.


  32. D C says:

    This is something that I needed to read. I had 2 relationships with other women during my marriage. Did not have sex with either and to me that was my saving grace. That makes me a good guy right? Both times I told her about the other person because I felt guilty. That makes me a good guy right? Now I’m afraid our marriage is starting to get too close to the ravine where the tracks end.


  33. Eat shit says:

    I read the first 100 words and it appeared to unfairly bash husbands. Then skimmed the rest. I could write a counter argument to this entire story if i gave a shit what strangers opinions were. Im married 10 years and i get shit for nothing sometimes. This writing trys to defend the actions of unwarrented bs by wifes and only crazy people would buy it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      Dear Eat Shit,

      Life Tip: You needn’t concern yourself with others’ opinions. But, just maybe, if you concern yourself with your wife’s, you’ll have a great marriage.

      Rooting for you.


  34. Steven Drake says:

    Wow. Just wow. I was feeling this way almost to the letter. We just had a fight and you are so right. If I really want a marriage, it’s time to “man up,” to coin the phrase. Actually, no, it’s time to Husband up. Thank you for the post.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Darren says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve always made that assumption about myself and couldn’t figure out why I seem to be sabotaging everything about my marriage. The truth is, I don’t put in enough for it to matter. This was a really hard realization to come to. Hope more husbands see this. 👏🏻


  36. Pieter Henning says:

    Brilliant piece of writing. Made me actually realise something I can change to be a more respected husband.


  37. Chris Peterson says:

    I disagree 100,000%

    Women need to get over themselves

    I was nagged for 26 years. Nothing was good
    enough. She earned herself a divorce. 3 years
    later I’m in a wonderful relationship with a super
    sweet woman, who appreciates and loves me for
    who I am. Stop the self loathing.

    This article is like the stuff that comes from the
    back end of a bull.


    • Jessica Kaufman says:

      It’s interesting how fertile and life affirming what comes out of the back end of a bull is. You know, manure? Just depends on how you look at it I guess.

      Why did you stay if your wife was so horrible? I imagine both you and your wife changed over the years as a result of the evident unhappiness. I wonder what she was like at the beginning. Did you really marry a nagging bitch (in which case you are the idiot) or did you both maybe change over time?


  38. Lee Roberts says:

    Absolute BS. I get up at 4am for work, provide for my family, dont drink, do drugs, or other women, in my spare time I always try and find something to do. Yet my ‘significant other’ still finds time to locate one thing, every – single – day to have a go at me about. Worked your ass off for 12 hours straight without a break? I dont give a shit im still going to have a go at you about towels in the bathroom. Spent 2 hours cleaning the house? Dont care because you didnt get that cob web. Find Tv boring? Not my problem now sit there and dont move whilst i watch my reality shows. No matter what I never have a go back or find fault in what she does, I just accept her the way she is, thats why I married her. But after 15 years she’s changed and if it wasnt for our kids I would be off. My marriage is a joke but apparently its my F’ing fault!? F-You!


    • Matt says:

      1. Please don’t take it personally. If you are a bad husband, it doesn’t make you a bad person. I’m bad at brick masonry and lion veterinarian care. Doesn’t necessary make me a bar person.

      2. You’re rationalizing. I used to do that too.

      It’s not about relativism. You don’t get to be a husband just because you’re not as bad as the biggest assholes out there.

      If you’re getting a C- and other guys are getting F’s, that doesn’t make you good at husbandry.

      3. You sound angry. I’m sorry. You should say the actual bad words. It helps.

      4. You should ask your wife why she’s upset. There’s a reason, and it’s not what you think.

      I can tell because you’re a good guy.

      You do work hard. And you won’t even cuss when you’re pissed.

      The thing hurting your marriage has NOTHING to do with the things you’re focusing on (drug abuse, cheating, etc). The thing hurting your marriage is in a blind spot. You can’t fix it because you don’t see it or even know what it is. Not your fault.

      5. No one said your bad marriage is your fault. Your wife may be even shittier at being a wife than you are at being a husband.

      Do you want to win The Who Suck More? competition, or do you want to have a peaceful and healthy marriage?

      6. I do see now that you said “shit” once. Say all the words.

      7. Your wife seriously mandates that you watch reality TV with her? Like, MANDATES it, and you comply?

      Maybe you could ask her if what she really wants is time together as husband and wife, and maybe there is a more fun and fulfilling activity you could offer as an alternative.

      I hope you guys figure it out. Being angry every day isn’t fun, and kids learn how to be shitty marriage partners by watching adults do it.


  39. Emmanuel says:

    I really needed this. I am such a fucking shit. Thank you!


  40. Don says:

    I haven’t had a day off in three weeks, and my next eight days are going to be crushing 12 to 16 hour work days. It will be a full 30 days of work straight before I can relax. Also during this time I helped my girlfriend move all of her thing out of her place into our new place. My move took a day and Half, hers took five days. Now I’m behind on this huge job I start tomorrow. I’m here because tonight she saw I hadn’t done any dishes even though I worked from home today, and now she is sitting in the other room pouting.

    Dude, fuck women.


  41. Jimmy says:

    This article is absurd and sad at the same time. The entire world was founded on rational, intelligent, analytical, and reasonable thoughts that form clear & concise conclusions in order to grow, learn, invent, establish, form, manufacture, and develop every single thing we have on the entire planet we call Earth!! If that didn’t exist, humans would be living under trees and defecating on grass.

    Just using one of your ridiculous arguments as an example – “just because you are a good guy doesn’t mean you are a good electrician” – Really? That has a point? That has to even be spelled out? But then you don’t even mention anything about the fact that a good man is most definitely one characteristic of being a good husband? I would wager huge money on a bet that 99.99999999% of the entire world’s population, when asked – “Would you consider that being a good man would be one of the characteristics of being good husband”?, would resoundingly agree with that statement. Yet you try to brush it off in some sort of nonsensical, ridiculous rhetoric as to say a good man has as much to do about being a good husband as the similarities between assholes and asphalt. Pure, grandiose, NONSENSE!

    Since you have no idea (admittedly divorced right??), I’m going to let you in on a little secret about marriage. Marriage is a commitment to being a “TEAM”. And this team needs to be on the same page every single step of the way. That means working towards a set of his/her goals as a TEAM, schedules defined, compassion, empathy, NEVER ENDING OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION and most importantly, positivity towards each other.

    When I married my wife, I told her from the get go that there was no subject, no matter the topic, on Earth or beyond, that she could not have an intelligent, emotionally mature conversation with me about. From criticizing me for something she doesn’t like, to her greatest fantasies, I will talk about anything and there will not EVER be a single egg shell to avoid. I LOVE criticism (IE – someone criticizing me) I love learning. Each and every conversation I have is a learning experience that helps me grow as a person in one way or another.

    But I also have reminded her again and again that I don’t put up with any bullshit. I don’t put up with lying. I don’t put up with negativity, nagging, being a bitch, or taking out her own mental issues/problems on me. When she does some of the things you have mentioned above that you seem to think is normal (GOOD GOD LOL) I return fire with both barrels and put her in her place for it. There is no reason in the entire world for a towel on the floor to turn into a bitch fest, or dirty dishes etc.,. If you have all your arms, legs, senses, and your health, you are already better that tons of people in this world. And if you, like most people in 1st world countries, who have multiple vehicles, TV’s, internet, cash to go out with, food on the table, and a nice, warm bed to lay in, I don’t give a shit if you are the president of the United States, you are not going to try and bring down my upbeat, positive personality with frivolous bullshit that doesn’t amount to a hill of shit in the grand scheme of things.

    You do bring up a decent point though, even though this will seem like a backhanded compliment, you were on to something when you were saying that “she may be doing those things” (ridiculous bitching over nothing) because there is something else wrong. But what you fail to realize is she is doing that because she failed to communicate these “issues” to her husband in the 1st place. Instead she let them pile up inside her, resentment sets in, and the littlest of things now sets here into 1000% cunt-mode. But sorry to tell you this, THIS IS NOT THE MAN’S FAULT. It’s hers for her lack of communication and expressing exactly what she needs or wants from the man.

    Oh trust me, I’ve had this happen multiple times as well, and I’ve told her time and time again, I’m not going to play games. You directly tell me exactly what you want and I will do the absolute best I can to oblige. But if you expect me to read your mind, and on top of it, resent the fact that I don’t, you can only blame yourself. Once again, once this understanding was put in place, these little trifles may only happen a couple times a year. Thus I put her in her place again.

    In reading this, you may think I’m the biggest asshole in the world. I can assure you I’m one of the friendliest people out there and I would damn near give my shirt off my back for anyone I cared about at the drop of a hat. But I’m also very much an “instant justice” type of person and I definitely do not reward “bad behavior”. I’m a tit for tat person. And trust me when I say this, if my wife starts with negativity, hounding, ridiculous BS, I will literally make her feel 2″ tall for doing so…, and in an absolute instant. Because even if it takes me going so far down into the weeds that we have to start defining facts, reality, truths, and what words mean and their implications (think Socrates), I will make her sit there and listen, communicate, and talk through it. You can call me a terrible person or an asshole, but as there is no reason to be shitty to me when I’m the provider, always positive, upbeat, driven, successful, and literally give her the world. I do not let that BS creep in.

    Now part 2 that I wanted to discuss is this feminazi equality bullshit that you have laced in your article. So lets talk about reality for a second. Men built the Earth you know today. From the phone you talk on, the roads you drive on, the freedoms you enjoy, the laptop you search the internet with, to the container you drink your latte from, and the toilet you take a shit in, men are the reason everything exists. Men are the reason for every single town, city, village, or population center in the Earth. Men also go to work the most dangerous jobs, giving their life, all in the hopes to provide for their family. They are the ones that fight wars. They are the one’s who pour the molten lava at steel mills that make every single piece of metal you see around you. They are the one’s that sit at oil refineries (one huge ass bomb waiting to go off) while they turn crude and bottoms oil into gasoline so you can drive around in high heels in comfort.

    Now I don’t need to get into what woman do for us men or for the world. Because there is plenty of value there. But if you have even the slightest inkling that men and women are equal, you need to get your head examined and visit a 3rd world country sometime. Because that’s exactly what your life would be like without smart men that have created the technology and the world we live in that you take for granted every single fucking day. And once armed with this knowledge and using your brain to realize it, if the good man is working that dangerous job, working all those hours, being the bread winner, and the guy that would do anything for you….., If you decide you’re are going to bitch at him because of a fucking towel on the ground in your house that he accidentally forgot about, just remember that guy has every single right in the world to call you a fucking ungrateful bitch. Because it’s her fault her underlying problems that she lacks the skills to communicate to her husband about still exists. Fuck that shit. Don’t ever settle for a woman that doesn’t adore you every day as much as you do her. And for the love of god, do rationalize, use facts, truths, and realities as your talking points. Those are the only things in this world that are truth and not opinion.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jessica Kaufman says:

      Yeah, I’m definitely getting the impression that you LOVE people criticizing you, as you said you did. Totally comes across in your extremely long, reactionary comment that includes an incredible amount of controlling detail.

      [FYI that was sarcasm, not sure if you were aware women were capable of sarcasm as it requires thinking.]

      I’m guessing you don’t like criticism, but you do love to fight. About everything. Exhausting. Don’t you get tired?


  42. Ns says:

    Useless fucking garbage, but I don’t know what I expected since every single other self help site is exactly the fucking same


  43. Kris Shaw says:

    I’m sorry you went through all that. But if being a satisfactory husband in your wife’s eyes truly required “a daily display of strength and heroism and fortitude and courage and discipline and empathy and wisdom and knowledge and love” then you were NOT the problem.


  44. Rob Wassell says:

    thank you for writting this. im going thru a divorce myself so i can relate to the bad feelings. Thankfully Im doing well.
    i agree with a lot of what you say but i feel its a little one sided bias.

    yes you can be a good guy and be a bad carpenter, plumber, husband, conversationalist, comedian, etc…

    however you CAN be a good husband and have a selfish ungrateful wife that tells you you’re a bad one.

    Some people are just prone to finding flaws in others.

    In all fairness though when you get called a “bad husband” its important to really honestly ask yourself what you can do better in the marriage. ONLY after you’ve exhausted every possibilty, and i mean EVERY, to improve yourself as a husband can you start to realize your wife is an ungrateful negative person, and you shouldn’t be with someone like that.

    acknowledgement of that is very freeing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      It’s true, sir. Boundaries and self-respect go both ways. And when you’re healthy with clear eyes and a clear heart, and paying attention and living your best? It’s simpler to make hard choices because it’s so clearly the right thing. It’s nice to hear you’re doing that.

      Thank you for reading and commenting. Wishing you good luck in this next chapter.


  45. Adnan says:

    Great conversation starter
    Check out “sex starved marriage “ on Teds talk or get a book I think everyone needs to read this before relationship ( man and woman)


  46. ersman says:

    Asking for a friend…

    I know someone whose wife left him over 10 years ago for an ex-boyfriend she knew as a young adult. He was devastated, embarrassed and heartbroken. He woke up one morning and sensed something wasn’t right. She told him she didn’t love him anymore and told him about the other man. It was like a punch in the gut for him. He physically could not stand and fell to the floor in pain from the knife to the heart. Somehow, he managed to pull himself off the floor and within a few months managed to get his life back on track. He found a nice quiet ranch house where he was able to learn there was more to life than that woman. The best he could explain to me is he figured out how to fall out of love with her. I knew he would be fine and was on the road to recovery. Then it happened. She came crawling back and admitted what she did was wrong. Wrote apology letters to his parents because she knew how much pain she had put their son through. My friend eventually took her back and appeared to be happy. She moved in his ranch house and they got pregnant with their first child a year and a half later. She is now a stay-at-home mom and he’s supporting the whole family. I truly think his wife is sorry for what happened, but she considers it water under the bridge. My friend confides in me, however. To this day, he struggles to find a way to fall back in love with her. I believe he’s protecting his heart from the possibility of her leaving again. I have tried to explain to him she would never do that again, especially since they have 2 children together. I’m wondering if it’s possible he has some sort of PTSD from that whole experience 10 years ago. Any ideas how I could coach him on this “relativeness” you are talking about here?


  47. Joyce Sparks says:

    Ever woman who don’t understand their man needs to read , Women are from Venus Men are from Mars.


  48. Jeff says:

    Yes because all guys are justifying their actions with “We’re good husbands! We just established this! So she’s being an unfair bitch right now, but she’ll get over it if I just go watch TV in the other room!”

    As a blogger, if you need to use hyperbole like above to justify your “point”, you never had one. This article wouldn’t exist if you used a realistic viewpoint from the male, but instead you chose to go over-the-top. This is like a professional boxer choosing a child as their opponent – at no point did you offer any realism from the male perspective. You went directly to the extreme end of the spectrum. And maybe that has something to do with your divorce.

    Liked by 1 person

  49. Kanye says:

    Given that logical presentation of a pseudo-argument seems the preferred approach here, let me ask a very simple question: why would I want to take advice from a failure ? Isn’t that like going to a mechanic who lost his license due to incompetence and saying “fix my car on the cheap please ?’

    Unauthentic bullshit. If you have a problem in your relationship, talk to your partner. If you’re reading crap like this, it’s probably just a form of venting or re-focussing. Don’t take any of this garbage seriously.


  50. John says:

    My ex-wife told me I did not do enough, we divorced after 5 years of marriage. I am remarried and have been with my wife for 23 years. My ex-wife remarried two more times after me and divorced both me.

    Am I a bad husband?


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