Divorce is Bad, but Some Things are Worse

Escape the cage

(Image/Glogster)

Divorce is bad.

I wish it wasn’t a thing. I don’t mean Let’s ban divorce! I mean, I wish we didn’t live in a world where it was statistically likely that two people who invest their lives in one another, and share resources, and build their life’s foundation on top of this living arrangement, and often have children together, will eventually divorce and secretly wish they had never met their ex.

All of us who were married for a while privately roll our eyes at all those people who marry and divorce within a year or two. But really? They’re kind of lucky.

I was married nine years. Many other divorced couples were married MUCH longer.

And in a life where the clock always seems to tick louder with each passing year, we have a hard time reconciling the loss of that time.

More than a third of my life was invested in that relationship. And if my favorite little person on Earth hadn’t resulted from it, I’d have a hard time finding the silver lining in losing my twenties and early-thirties to an investment reminiscent of a Bernie Madoff dick in the ass.

At least I have a little boy to hang my hat on—to help justify the pain—even though my geography choices, finances and dating life suffer for it.

Childless divorcées have many more options as they take stock of their post-divorce lives, but maybe nothing of lasting value to pull from the experience.

Divorce is a necessary choice and freedom. Sometimes people find themselves married to mentally ill or straight-up evil frauds and abusers. Victims of domestic violence, sexual and verbal abuse, financial fraud, partners who endanger their children, infidelity, crime, and all the other sucky things that happen in this world, deserve the liberating choice to escape. To give themselves a new start where they can choose hope and reclaim their lives.

But I still hate it.

Divorce and all the accompanying shittiness are heavy contributors to most of the world’s wrongs.

There’s a huge (and growing) group of “progressive,” “enlightened” thinkers who believe everyone who gets married is simply brainwashed by hundreds of years of Puritanical influence, and that marriage and monogamy goes against our natural biological instincts as Eat-Sleep-Fuck mammals—that we’re all unwitting slaves to our primal urges.

I think they say that for two reasons:

1. For most people who never had to fight in wars, or stand in bread lines, or experience extreme violence or sexual assault, or lose someone super-close like a child or parent or spouse or sibling or best friend to an untimely death, divorce is the most difficult thing they have ever experienced.

I have a pretty positive disposition and, on paper, have lived a reasonably pleasant life. I like being alive and hope to stay this way for many years.

But throughout my separation and divorce, the thoughts and feelings I experienced were all so new and terrifying and unexpected. You either know what it feels like to completely lose control of yourself, or you don’t. You feel crazy. You hurt, fucking everywhere. Inside. Outside. In your chest. In your head. In your stomach. And no matter where you are. At work. Watching TV. The million times you wake up every night. During holidays. At parties. On dates with a stranger.

Everything feels wrong. And there’s no escape. We try to mask it with alcohol or sex or drugs or God or other forms of escapism. You don’t know as it’s happening that there’s no way around it. Just through it. And it feels impossibly long when you’re feeling it.

Once I realized I was going to feel that shitty no matter what I did—worse than I knew a person could feel on the inside, and no matter where I went, or who I was with—I finally understood how a person could take his or her own life. When there’s no escaping pain and horror, shutting it off somehow starts to make sense to a brain desperate for solutions. Just make this stop!

I never wanted to actually die. But I finally stopped being afraid of it. That oncoming semi-truck wants to cross over center and hit me head on? Bring it. I don’t give a shit anymore.

Once a human being has felt that, I can understand why they would be too afraid to put themselves in another vulnerable position to possibly feel it again. Self-preservation is a powerful instinct.

2. They don’t want to grow up. And I don’t blame them because I don’t want to grow up either. It’s juvenile and immature and impractical. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t a real feeling inside of us. We yearn for the innocence of childhood. Desperate for a life where all we have to do is hang out with our friends and play every day. Bottom line: Being an adult isn’t as fun as being a child. And some people (and I’m occasionally among them) are too selfish to choose responsibility over fun.

Brett and Kate McKay nail it in this excellent piece from The Art of Manliness:

“The world of children is made possible by the world of adults.

“When people say they don’t want to embrace adulthood, what they really mean is that they don’t want to be a grownup themselves, but they want to live in a world where everyone else is. They want competent, effective politicians to represent them; they want their journalists and doctors to be smart and level-headed with a comforting mantle of gravitas; they want their children’s teachers to be dedicated and on-the-ball; they want customer service to be friendly and efficient; they want police officers to be honest and fair. They want the world to be stable, predictable…so they can afford to be erratic and irresponsible. They want to be kids, but live in an adult world, where grownups are at the ready to take care of their every need.”

I think it’s possible to live in a society where most people have the smarts and know-how necessary to make their marriages an oasis of love and peace and goodness in their lives, rather than this unpleasant black hole of shit from which so many people crave escape.

I remain hopeful for a future where influencers take seriously the positive societal benefits of stable families and recognize the horribleness of divorce enough to start having real conversations about how to do it better.

All That Said, Yes, Your Spouse is an Asshole. GTFO.

The entire point of this post is supposed to be: Even though I’m a quasi-radical proponent of saving marriage and despise divorce, sometimes I’m like: What the hell are you WAITING for!?

I get lots and lots of blog comments and emails with awful marriage stories. Often, at the end of the story (sometimes people just need to tell someone), they ask for my opinion.

Here I am, a 36-year-old divorced guy hammering out pro-marriage messages on the internet. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4, and it probably fucked me up a little. My mom and stepdad divorced when I was 28, and it probably fucked me up a little more. My wife and I divorced when I was 33, and it felt so bad that suicide, while never an option (I promise), at least made sense.

I’ve never had a cause. But I think I have one now. I think this whole Hey World! Divorce is Horrible and You Seem to be Ignoring Just How Much, Which is Stupid, Here’s Why! crusade is the closest thing to a cause I’ve ever had.

It really matters to me. Because so much of it feels wasteful. Two decent people who don’t know better giving it their best shot without the information or resources they need to succeed in marriage. I think that’s most divorces. Those are the people I encourage to persevere. To choose courage. To choose love.

Two people who want to make it, can make it. 

But sometimes I get emails or blog comments from wives (and occasionally husbands) who have a different kind of story.

I’ll combine and paraphrase all of them into one, using the husband as the bad guy because that’s more than 90 percent of the stories I read: “My husband cheats on me and hits me and is never around and uses all our money to have fun and support his vices and affair partners. If he is home, he is never affectionate, doesn’t pay attention to the kids, and calls me a fat, nagging bitch (even though I’m trying to lose weight after bearing his children!) If I ever even hint at leaving him, he threatens me with money and the children. But I still love him and want to make it work! What should I do?”

First of all, everyone, ESTABLISH AND ENFORCE STRONG BOUNDARIES. Right now, please.

Secondly, it’s hard for me to understand how someone can be cheated on, physically or verbally abused, threatened, abandoned, neglected, and treated miserably by the one person in the world who made a spiritual and/or legal vow to love and cherish them forever, and still be like: “I’m just not sure what’s best! Maybe he’ll change!”

There are psychological and emotional forces at work I can’t begin to understand.

There are children. Innocent, precious little kids I’ll never meet who love their mommy and daddy just like four-year-old me did in 1983 when my father crouched down in front of me with tears in his eyes after a long day in court and said: “Matt. You are going to go live with your mommy far away in Ohio and you’re not going to see me very much anymore, but I want you to know how much I love you and that we will see each other every chance we get.”

And I think about those little kids who are going to carry all the same scars I did and probably still do. And I ask the mothers follow-up questions because trying to make it work for your kids isn’t as dumb a concept as some people think.

But then they write back and you just know. You know they have no chance.

Not because marriage is a failed idea. Not because humans are beyond redemption. Not because it’s just another example of two people falling out of love.

But because these men are not actually husbands.

Here’s how you can tell the difference:

Actions A, B, C and D cause your wife to hurt more than she has ever hurt before. She’s terrified and cries often. If you continue those things moving forward, you intentionally are choosing to inflict serious harm on her. By choosing those things, you lose her forever, and put your children through life-changing hell. By choosing those things, you lose everything.

When a husband/father figures this out, he strives to grow and change. He apologizes with unmistakable remorse. He demonstrates clear intentions to right his wrongs and makes choices moving forward that contribute to the welfare of his wife/family. That will happen 100-percent of the time.

Men like that are worthy of redemption. Tragically flawed, but good-hearted.

And then, there are the other guys.

The ones who figure it out, or already know, and continue to do A, B, C and D. Why? Because they want to.

That’s it. That’s the reason. Because they want to.

“That’s the whole thing? Those things matter more than me? Those things matter more than your children?”

And no matter what actual words come out of their stupid fuck-shit mouths, the answer is clearly “yes.”

These men (and women) have earned their inevitable comeuppance. You shouldn’t be aboard the same ship when it starts to sink.

Yes, I believe in honoring vows.

Yes, I believe in marriage and love (not the kind you feel; the kind you choose).

Yes, I hate divorce and think it is an underestimated destructive force in our world.

But sometimes, the union you’re part of isn’t an actual marriage.

And sometimes, people are in so much pain they can’t tell the difference.

We don’t want to be the ones to call it off. We don’t want to throw the time investment away. We don’t want to be the person “responsible” for ending the marriage by choosing divorce, and hurting our children, and disappointing our families, and creating dysfunction for our friends.

We want someone else to do the dirty work for us. Or maybe we just want someone to reassure us that it’s okay. Absolution that isn’t ours to give.

The moment you know your partner understands your pain and the real-world consequences of certain behaviors, but chooses them anyway?

Then. Right then. That’s when it’s time.

Run.

I wish it wasn’t a thing.

Divorce is bad.

But some things are worse.

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28 thoughts on “Divorce is Bad, but Some Things are Worse

  1. Heartafire says:

    Most want to avoid divorce at all cost when children are involved, but as you say so succinctly, sometimes it is the only reasonable alternative to a wasted life. Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      I can’t even begin to apply a percentage to how much of the shittiness of divorce was due to all of the concerns related to sharing custody of our son. But I think “more than half” is fair.

      Which means, for anyone like me, having children makes divorce AT LEAST 100% worse than when children are not involved.

      I don’t see how one could ever make a definitive list of when divorce feels like the best choice vs. when it doesn’t. Everyone’s circumstances differ so much.

      But if you’re the kind of person who WANTS the marriage to work, and you still have that “it feels like it’s time to leave” feeling, then far be it from me to suggest otherwise.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. Hope you have a nice weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautiful and well said, Matt.

    Those “other men,” I call them orcs. Men are charming, lost, confused, imperfect….and than there are the orcs. Orcs need a good spiritual epiphany upside the head. Wives cannot change an orc into a decent human being no matter what we do. Some of us have died trying.

    One thing that makes all the difference, men are to love their wives as themselves. Guys who cannot love their own selves will project all that hatred onto a women and take it out on her. In order for marriages to be successful, we need men who genuinely love themselves, not in an arrogant or narcissistic way, but in feeling good about themselves and their own worth and value.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      I have a link in this post about boundaries.

      And sometimes people think having boundaries is just arbitrarily making rules about what you will or will not participate in or tolerate. But that’s not it.

      It’s what you just said.

      Having boundaries and enforcing them means you love and respect yourself.

      It means, when someone mistreats you or makes you feel bad or says something totally out of line with your personal values, (in the context of dating) getting up and walking away is ALWAYS the best choice.

      When people love and respect themselves they attract others who love and respect themselves, instead of a power dynamic where one is always feeding some dysfunctional need in the other, which is what most people do. The orcs and their female equivalents.

      Having boundaries upfront protects us from all these marriage problems we face, because we never get far enough down the road with people incapable of respecting the boundaries while demonstrating strong ones and shared values, themselves.

      You often bring fun and true life observations to these conversations. Thank you for that.

      Like

  3. pisces31084 says:

    It is very eerie that you wrote this today. I will tell you why: I spent the last 4 hours slaving away making homemade food for my husband. Even made extra for him to share at work tmw with the guys.

    Tmw is our youngest daughters 1st bday.

    He still hasnt come home or checked in. He has been gone since 7am.

    So I called him. He is partying with friends. All I said was “thats nice I have been cooking for hours with the kids by myself and THATS what you’re doing?”.

    He called me a “cunt”. For the millionth time…literally.

    So I hung up on him. And as I cleaned up my mess and wrapped the food up for him and his co-workers I thought “that’s it! I am fucking done!!!!”.

    Then I remembered:
    Our daughter turns 1 tmw.
    I have no job and Christmas is coming.
    Not to forget to mention my car payment.
    And the fact that I have no sitter. (That is why I’m not working).

    So I’m like “ok, I will play house until I can get financially independent again”.

    But then I read this. And you are right. I have put up with ENOUGH SHIT! I may have (beautiful) kids and be 31 years old without a job. BUT I deserve better and so do these kids!!!!

    No need to make him read an open letter….. What a waste of ink. And damnit, my printer was low on ink and I thought to myself, thank god it all printed though! HA!!

    Just so angry right now. But very good blog. I look forward to reading them very much since I discovered them. Again, thank you, from all of us.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I wish I knew what to say.

      I’m so sorry. There really aren’t words.

      I hope you can find a way to put all of your focus and love and gratitude into that little girl tomorrow, and enjoy the moment.

      You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. (You were one of the people I was thinking about when writing this post, among several others. But I pray you know I’m NOT encouraging divorce. I’m simply encourage people to know the difference between what’s an acceptable level of treatment, and what’s unacceptable.)

      Love hard. Be the best, and strongest, and most self-respecting version of yourself possible.

      Good things WILL come.

      Rooting for all of you.

      Like

      • pisces31084 says:

        Thank you. I will cherish today for my daughter and whatever happens with our marriage is on him. I tried. I can at least say i tried. I did try to talk to him when he came home and I broke down and he said “come on with the drama” and the words just came out of my mouth “I can’t be with you anymore”. They just came out all by theirself. He just said “That’s all you had to say” and walked away. And he went to bed. He is at work now. Yes divorce is bad, but being his door mat is worse. He does not love me. And I will be a happier person without him. My worry is the kids. But I will fight that. A drunk can not be trusted with my babies. They are the main reason I have made it this long. But anyway, thank you for the kind words and great blogs. I just wish more men would read them. Cuz it seems to be mostly women. Have a great weekend. :)

        Like

        • Matt says:

          What Vince said. Heartbreaking.

          You’re right there. The hardest, darkest days. And those memories are fresh enough where both Vince and I remember feeling it all coming unraveled.

          Vince has kids, also. So we also know the feeling of trying so desperately to be emotionally engaged with your children, and feel joy on their behalf. But the entire thing feels just wrong because none of this is what was supposed to happen.

          It’s hard. Your children keep you afloat and focused, though.

          And if you’re a hopeful person (and I think you are), then I hope you can have faith and take comfort in the fact that “someday” eventually gets here.

          And “someday,” the pain is mostly gone.

          And “someday,” the void gets replaced by something beautiful that allows you to look backward with gratitude knowing everything had to work out exactly as it did.

          One more time: Happy 1st birthday to that little girl.

          Thoughts and prayers for your family.

          Like

    • Vince says:

      Damn, that’s heartbreaking to read.

      Like

  4. Im not married but this piece really spoke to me. I’m terrified of divorce, i’m with someone now who i’m 100% sure i would marry (if he asked) but i dont think it will be for a very long time. I suppose i will be dragging it out to give time for all the things that can go wrong, to go wrong before we we enter into a contract. I love who we are now but who knows where we’ll be once children have arrived or a we lose a parent or jobs! However nothing scares me more than the people who enter into marriage who already have the signs they’re with a manipulator, abuser or a cheat. I’ve written a piece recently about domestic abuse and had to relive old, bad, dark memories and i couldnt wish that on anybody! I suppose what i’m trying to say is that yeah me and my partner might marry and it might end in divorce but it would never be down to any of the emotionally scarring reasons. Thank you for the persepctive.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I wish the first thing you read from me wasn’t a piece that might have seemed like I was shrugging my shoulders at the inevitability of divorce.

      Divorce is only inevitable in a macro sense. Large swaths of the general population will always divorce for all the same reasons and it will be sad.

      But on a micro-level? You? Your relationship? Divorce doesn’t have to be one of those things you casually say could happen.

      I have strong convictions about how husbands and wives need to learn to communicate (prior to marriage is optimum).

      I think if he understands more of how you work on the inside, and you understand more of how he works on the inside (I believe strongly most people do not), and you actively choose to love one another enough to effectively talk through all the bullshit moments that crop up where your bodies and emotions betray you, you can make the odds of divorce close to zero.

      I think if your boyfriend values the concept of growing old with you, and you can get him to read this book because it holds the secret to forever-marriages (you should read it too), everything is going to work out beautifully:

      http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189

      I know I sound like a cheap car salesman self-help wannabe. Sorry. I just really hope if you decide to take the marriage plunge, that you approach it as something that must not fail, rather than something that might and is totally out of your control.

      Because it’s mostly in your control IF your partner is metaphorically holding your hand and walking the same walk with you.

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting and indulging me in uninvited commentary about your personal life that is well beyond being any of my business.

      Hope you have a great day.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. LilyReborn says:

    Omg this hit me in all the feels. Sobbing through reading this. I chose my divorce becuase of
    All the A, B, C, D reasons you mentioned. My therapist told me time and again I was the only one in my marriage. He’d already left a long time ago. But I’m the one that filed for divorce.
    I’m the one that said ‘its over.’ And I’m the one that is sitting here sobbing becuase I wish for all the world he’d fought for me and wanted me. And did everything that needed to be done to save us. For our kids. For us. For all the reasons you said.
    Divorce sucks. But staying in a marriage with a man like my ex is even worse. Still…the pain is sometimes unbearable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      I’m so sorry. :(

      I hope it was a cathartic cry because it reminded you you’re not alone, instead of simply making you feel worse.

      A ton of people here (and everywhere) know that pain. I know that doesn’t help much. But I think there’s value in realizing and remembering you’re not the only one.

      I’ll repeat something I just wrote in another comment because it’s true and important and you deserve to feel good:

      Eventually, “someday” arrives. The day the wounds have healed and reduced to scars.

      The pain disappears almost entirely.

      And then the next “someday” arrives. The one where you meet someone, or find yourself experiencing something profoundly important to you. Something amazing and beautiful.

      And when you feel that. When you’re living in that moment, you get to look back at today when you’re feeling “Why me!? Why??” and understand how it led you to “now.”

      It’s coming. And I hope you give yourself a break from the pain to look forward to that.

      It’s fun and exciting to look forward to things. I hope you’ll do it with a hopeful heart.

      Someday is coming.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Vince says:

    If I’d read this 1 1/2 years ago I would have been shaking my head and thinking, “this guy, who the hell does he think he is to tell me it’s ok?” I was desperately searching for reasons that it should not end. Marriage is sacred and a promise that should not be broken but then not everyone treats it as sacred. There are those of us who forget the vows we made to love and to cherish and in doing so we create so much heartache. It’s those years of sadness leading up to the divorce that hurt the most. I still believe things could and should have been different but can I say I’m glad it’s over? It seems weird to think that but it’s true. Life is actually better now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      You and I aren’t so different, Vince. I hope you remember 18 months ago when I would have never written this, because it contradicted my heart too much.

      People quit too easily. This wasn’t for them. This was for the opposite end of the spectrum. The people who can NEVER move forward and heal until they get away.

      It’s hard to tell the difference, and it’s probably dangerous of me to try. But I stand by what I wrote: If your partner KNOWS (not just obliviousness, which you and I and most men were/are guilty of, because no one ever taught us and we had to learn the hard way) they are committing heinous marriage crimes against you–and many seem obvious–then I think leaving and divorce, while horrible, is the clear lesser of two evils.

      I’m NOT encouraging the majority of hurt wives to leave their husbands. No way. Most of them are accidentally substandard husbands who, when they fully understand why their wives hurt so much and the thoughtless things they do that contribute, will work hard to change and accommodate his wife once he realizes the gravity of the situation. MOST people are good. I believe that strongly.

      Some people are not good. Others are sick, sometimes because someone hurt them long ago. Being married to bad and certain kinds of sick people is probably a really poor choice.

      I hope you don’t believe I would ever be a cheerleader for broken families, Vince.

      That said, I’m really happy to hear you’re doing so well. Time is a miraculous (albeit, excruciatingly slow) healer of our deepest wounds.

      I’m not happy I’m divorced. I’ll never say it’s a good thing. The ONLY thing it’s better than is those final couple years which were totally steeped in fuckness and pain. I know you know the feeling.

      I still remember the good times.

      And I can sit with my son’s mother at school functions and taekwondo tournaments and around the Christmas tree, and it’s okay.

      And I don’t mean “okay” like we usually mean it. As just a mehhh word.

      I mean it in the context of my old mantra I kept saying even though it was so hard to believe: Everything is going to be okay.

      Seems flippant if you’ve never been broken. But not when you’re us, Vince.

      Being okay when you’re us feels miraculous.

      And maybe that’s what it is. I’m so glad to hear you’re well.

      Thank you for reading and contributing.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. bettylyttle1 says:

    You got me at your last comment…”The moment your partner understands your pain and the real-world consequences of certain behaviors, but chooses them anyways.” I feel like we’re (me and my husband) throwing knives at each which sometimes miss; more often land in a spot that hurts but isn’t debilitating; and now almost always go for the kill. I’m at the point where I almost wish one of us would decide to run, just to get it over with so I can move on.

    Like

  8. Dawn says:

    Matt I agree with you 100%. After reading some of these comments…well, I just can not comment on them.
    I want to shake people.
    I want people to take responsibility for their choices.
    Don’t want to leave for what ever reason, then own it, don’t make excuses, and for the love of all that is glorious in the world cry to the world, but refuse to do anything for yourself.
    Ooops…I said I wasn’t going to comment.
    Keep ’em coming Matt….keep the good stuff coming.

    Like

    • pisces31084 says:

      I have to comment because I can’t help but feel like my previous comments are what you meant by “some of the comments”. I want to shake myself too. But until you are living in someone else life, day to day, you can’t judge so easily.

      What does Matt mostly write about? Exactly. That is WHY people (mostly women) end up here. Because we are in a bad spot with our husbands and we are online looking for a source of help. Whether it be advice, validation for leaving or staying, etc. We do not come here to cry to the world. I ended up here on sheer accident.

      And after reading “an open letter…” I was bound and determined that I was going to get my husband to read them and that we could save our marriage. Had you read those earlier comments before this one, you would have known the whole story, not just what was on this post.

      And then what happened that night happened. And it happened before I read this blog. And so I commented to Matt. It’s definitely easier to tell someone to leave than for them to do it. Especially when there are children involved. Which is why some people try so desperately to fix the marriage. Which is why they end up here.

      So I just wanted to defend myself. Because sometimes it takes total strangers to give the best advice. But not by beating them down and making them feel shittier than they already do.

      Like

      • Dawn says:

        Pisces I in no way singled out your comment and I am sorry you felt the need to defend yourself. My comment was not about making anyone feel shitty. As with you, there is more to my story as well. Don’t assume I do not understand what it is like to be in bad marriage where there are children involved. THAT is my story, so I know where you come from. I also know that to often, and maybe not in your case, people reach out not to gain support, but permission to remain where they are. Those are the ones I want to shake. Those are the ones I want to tell to wake up and be accountable for their choices.
        Again, this is exactly why I felt I shouldn’t comment, it gets under people’s skin when you acknowledge that some people are just complaining and not being proactive in their lives. It also requires a lot more discussion than simple comments on a blog post.
        I wish the best for you pisces. I hope you find what YOU need.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Matt says:

        You’re likely going through the most difficult days of your life. And everyone who has been through this, especially with kids involved, knows how impossible it all feels.

        This is a place where you can find people who understand what you’re dealing with and who will do their best to lift you up.

        Dawn has been a kind and thoughtful commenter here for just about as long as I’ve been posting. You can trust that she has you and your children’s best interests at heart. She’s one of the good ones. I promise.

        I hope your daughter had a nice first birthday.

        And I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I don’t think censorship is a very good idea on the Internet, but you can trust I won’t be letting people unfairly bad-mouth you and your life based on personal things you share with us.

        This is a very hard time. And community helps. Everyone is rooting for you and your children.

        And I’m even rooting for your husband. Because I don’t want him wasting his life and his children’s childhoods getting everything wrong.

        I hope you’ll continue to be part of the conversation.

        Like

        • pisces31084 says:

          Thanks. And she had a good birthday. I wanted to reply to her and say “oh ok im sorry then” but it would not let me reply on here. Maybe i am just feeling defensive but I just took it that way. I won’t post anymore personal things though because I don’t want to come off that way. That was not my intention. I truely wanted to save what we have left. Maybe we can be saved but probably not. Either way I look forward to reading. Posts from you and others.

          Like

          • Matt says:

            You should always do what you feel comfortable doing.

            I’d only like to add that there’s something extraordinarily cathartic about saying things out loud to someone, and that healing quality seems to extend to typing words and hitting “Enter,” as well. I don’t understand why. Just that it’s true.

            Please keep talking about it with someone. It matters.

            Like

      • Dawn says:

        Pisces, I feel your desire to save your relationship. I wish I could fully explain how much I know where you are. I want so desperately to share my experience with you, to let you know you are not alone. Do not silence yourself…do not think for a moment that seeking help is not the answer.
        Grrr…I so want to grab you for a cup of tea and talk to you.
        Please, take my comments as one broken heart to another.

        Like

        • pisces31084 says:

          Aww thank you. Probably live too far away for that lol. It’s just been one thing after another with him for 7 years and two kids later it gets worse and worse. I know what needs to be done. I’m just not in a position to do anything about it. Long story as to it all and why. The kids are the main reason. Not so they can not come from a broken home. Its not that. It’s more of a concern for them if he had them on his own. He likes to drink. He has good qualities when he wants to. It’s hard when someone is like a jeckyl and hyde. Mean one day, sweet the next. Grrr. I’m sure you know what I mean. And I do apologize for taking your comment the other day like I did. I think I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I would love to hear your story if you think it would help. I know I am not alone in this department though. I just need to get my shit together and do what needs done.

          Liked by 1 person

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