I’ve been sitting here staring at the screen. Another one of those I-don’t-know-what-to-write moments.
“What happens if you just took a pass on writing a post for today?” a friend asked.
“I took a pass on writing a post on Wednesday,” I said.
Maybe it’s time to cut back to two days a week. Or maybe something awful needs to happen because I tend to do my best writing when I feel.
It’s not that I don’t feel. Life is just more typical of the human experience I remember having prior to all the shitty things that happened once I turned 30.
Maybe that’s something, though. Sometimes people hurting after divorce want someone to tell them how long it’s going to hurt. That’s what I wanted to know the most back then. When will I be ME again? Ever?
I kind of wanted to die for the first six months, didn’t care whether I died the following six, but noticed improvement. I don’t remember the 18-month mark which means it wasn’t that significant, and I must have felt better.
As we sit today, I am two years and more than four months away from the separation date—the worst day of my life. And I’m totally fine. Things about my life are shittier than when I was married. But some things are better. It’s how you feel when you wake up in the morning that really matters.
The “problems” I wake up thinking about today are a spoonful of sugar compared to the fuckness of divorce. I’m down nearly 20 pounds. I feel pretty good. I’m actively engaged in various business pursuits as I attempt to improve my financial standing.
It’s a very nice change. To not feel wretched all the time.
I’m not saying two years from now, you won’t hurt anymore. Everyone deals with these things differently in their own way and at their own pace. But I think MOST people are MOSTLY the same on the inside. I think you can mark your calendars for the two-year mark as a nice “I’ll totally feel better then!” benchmark. But don’t forget to be grateful each step of the way when you notice the pain fading.
It’s a slow process.
But you notice yourself breathing more easily, smiling more, living more fully, with each passing day.
As I sit here not knowing what to write, I choose gratitude for those things.
Things on my Mind
That’s usually what I try to write about. Whatever’s top of mind.
I spend a lot of time thinking about my career.
No one gives a shit. I’m not going to write about that.
I was interested in, and entertained by, last night’s GOP presidential debate even though I tend to feel mostly disgust for Washington politics (toward both major parties) and am usually politically engaged only during election cycles.
Political conversation is too divisive. Debate and defending myself exhausts me. And I’ve never (not even once) seen someone change their mind while discussing issues with someone with whom they disagreed. I don’t want to write about it.
To that end, I’ve been reflecting on relationships between people from different backgrounds or faiths or political philosophies, and whether it’s sensible for those people to try to make a relationship work.
Not unlike my general belief that couples too far apart in age are often making a poor choice in terms of sustainability, I have strong feelings about other aspects of a couple’s personality makeup as well.
I once spelled out exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship partner. It has been read just 162 times because it’s one of my oldest posts.
I went back and read it to see whether I feel differently today.
I’m not going to write about that because I already have.
So what am I going to write about?
I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter.
But I do know it’s good to be back. To recognize myself again. To feel back.
And maybe that’s what this is really about. You tell me.