The Accidental Vagina

vagina emoticon

I was falling asleep because it was late and I wake up early.

“Talk soon,” I texted before plugging my phone in for the night.

She replied: “Goodnight!  ({})”

I stared at it for a minute. Did she just send me a vagina emoticon? It was too late and I lacked the brainpower to figure it out.

The Vagina Dialogue

I forgot about it for most of the next day, but a text exchange with her later that night reminded me of the vagina symbol, and I felt compelled to ask about it.

“Before I forget. Did you send me a digital vagina before I fell asleep last night?”

“WHAT?!?!? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!… Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha what are you talking about?!?!?”

“Was it a Rorschach test? I totally saw a vagina. ({}) <– that is a digital vagina. My face hurts from laughing about this.”

“Hahahahaha! It’s a hug!!! It’s a smiley face with two hands giving a hug!”

I questioned her sanity for the first time, as this was the clinical psychologist who befriended me and convinced me I had adult ADHD and needed to treat it properly to maximize my quality of life.

“That’s a vagina hug!” I said.

“Omg. That’s amazing!!! Hahaha. I don’t see a vagina at all!!!”

“I just showed it to a friend. He is not especially pervy. He’s married with two kids. I asked, what is this? He insta-replied: ‘That’s a vagina,’ and I laughed some more.

“He said, and I quote…”

“I’m dying right now from laughing,” she said.

“…it may be a little wider and looser than I prefer. But that’s definitely a vagina.”

“I really don’t see it!!! What role do the white hands play? So like, ({}) what is the white part and what is the yellow?? All I see is a smiley face with two hands.”

“I don’t see any color here.”

“The round thing is yellow, and the bottom is white. Ok, I’m going to text myself to the iPad and see if I can see it.”

“Allow me,” I said, and proceeded to text her the vagina symbol.

“OH MY GOD!!!!! Hahahahahahaha.”

“I thought you sent me a vagina. I thought you were trying to be sexy, like: ‘Hey, check out this super-hot vagina!’ But I really had to go to sleep.”

“I can’t believe it. I send that A LOT. Oh. My. God.”

“This is one of my favorite moments, ever. I am 100-percent writing about this.”

“Do you see what it’s supposed to look like like??? Hahahaha.”

vagina hug

“Yes. I’m giddy. You’ve been sending vaginas to everybody.”

Despite being a super-smart and easy-to-like human being, she’s like your crotchety parent who doesn’t want to use new and improved technology, and refuses to give up using a Blackberry. So this kind of thing was bound to happen.

My mother literally said to me the other day: “I’m going to buy a new TV—but it’s not going to be a smart TV!”

“Why don’t you want a smart TV, mom?” I asked.

“I don’t want those sonsofbitches spying on me in my living room!” she said.

dr evil right

So when you send hugging emoticons from a Blackberry to people with iPhones (and hopefully Android devices, too!), what they really see is vaginas.

I thought you needed to know.

You’re welcome.

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45 thoughts on “The Accidental Vagina

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    That’s probably why they call them “key strokes,” Matt… ?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. realophile says:

    priceless 😂😂 (those are little yellow faces laughing until they cry)

    Like

  3. swo8 says:

    Dream on!
    Leslie

    Like

  4. completelyinthedark says:

    That was TOTAL CLICKBAIT. ;-) Hahahahahahahaha. Vagina hugs for everyone!

    Like

  5. FitsofWit says:

    Bahahaha! That is most definitely a vagina.
    And for some reason that smilie face with white gloves is 97% more creepy than the labia text.

    Like

  6. mjmsprt40 says:

    What has been seen cannot be unseen….

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I’ve been wondering whether the programmer who developed the short code for the little huggy emoticon intentionally used a vagina symbol as sort of an inside joke. I think I might have done something like that because I’m 12.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Love this. I don’t see a smiley. Or a hug. Just a gaping vag.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I can’t believe first of all that it’s been a few months since I’ve been to your blog. Second of all, I can’t believe that I come to your blog and see a sad looking vagina staring at me! This is hilarious and I love the thought that she has sent this to dozens (?) of people and you’re the first person to point out that she’s vagina bombing everyone with her texts! Hahaha! I’ve missed you Matt!

    Liked by 2 people

    • realophile says:

      vagina bombed!! hahahaha

      Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      You’re busy being a wife and mother and writing fantastic things, Gretchen. Thank you so much for making time to read and comment.

      It was super-funny. “Vagina bombing” is an amazing name for what happened here, and I’m upset with myself for not thinking of it.

      Hope you’re having a great day!

      Like

  9. Bugsmetwo says:

    LOL This is great! ({})

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Phoenix says:

    Buahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Like

  11. jgroeber says:

    Oh, absolutely brilliant!! Now, what happens when you text her blackberry the emoticon of two people dancing from your iPhone?! Could be pandas fornicating. Who knows?! Totally worth trying it though.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. mygeriamour says:

    Omg that was hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. andi says:

    This made me laugh out loud :)

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Me too.

      I thought maybe people might think I was perverting a super-innocent symbol into something dirty, but people seem to universally agree it look like a vagina.

      I feel validated.

      Like

  14. anitvan says:

    Perhaps you just have a dirty mind.

    What do you see when I type this emoticon:

    :==)

    Somebody has a dirty mind anyways…

    Like

    • Matt says:

      If there is a way to take a comment or image or sculpture or whatever and turn it into something childish and inappropriate, you can be sure I found a way to do it.

      HOWEVER, there can be no doubt that I nailed this vagina thing.

      Wait. What!?

      Like

      • anitvan says:

        Lol, yup, I live with that every day. My kids take special delight making me squirm with their TMI sexual innuendos and inappropriate jokes.

        Yesterday my oldest dropped by and was going off about this awesome soup he had made, “and you’ll never guess what the secret ingredient is!”.

        My daughter doesn’t miss a beat and excitedly asks, “Is it ball sweat? It’s your ball sweat, isn’t it?”

        And then she goes on to describe her brother, standing in front of the stove and dangling his family jewels over the pot, letting the sweat drip down.

        I don’t know what made me squirm more, visualizing my son adding his secret ingredient to his soup, or my daughter, describing the process.

        Evil. But funny.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. jadedwildcat says:

    LOLLERCOASTERZZZZ

    This is absolutely hilarious – and being a BBM user myself, I can’t imagine now how many accidental va-jay-jays I must’ve sent out to poor, unsuspecting guys >_<
    So funny how the emotes really do look when the person on the other end doesn't have a phone that supports that particular emote platform lolz

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Mandi says:

    Laughing. This is awesome. I’m sending vaginas to everyone. In 5…4…3…2..1…

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Matt says:

    It’s pretty much the greatest formatting faux pas in the history of digital communication.

    Like

  18. […] I keep it light, too. I’m immature and playful, so it’s often hard for me to leave that out of things I […]

    Like

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