An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 11

(Image courtesy of ansnuclearcafe.org)

(Image courtesy of ansnuclearcafe.org)

When a conjoined twin dies, their attached sibling usually dies soon after.

In most cases, one can’t live without the other.

Occasionally, surgeons can separate the deceased twin from the other before the dead infects the living.

Maybe life goes on.

But things will never be the same.

When you exchange wedding vows, your soul becomes conjoined with your spouse’s. Every second after, your life is no longer just your own. A part of you is imprinted on her, and her, on you.

Your life just became infinitely more important than it used to be because now someone else’s life is in your hands.

Don’t Try to Fix Your Marriage

Before every flight, the attendant giving the safety spiel always reminds you that in the event of an emergency in which the plane’s oxygen masks deploy from the ceiling, parents flying with children are strongly encouraged to put on their own masks first before helping the child with his or hers.

It goes against our caretaker and unselfish instincts.

As a parent, we always put our children first.

As friends and family and co-workers, and in many other walks of life, we learn to put others’ needs before our own and are taught that this is virtuous and makes us good people.

We are sometimes taught that it’s selfish to do what we want or need to do for ourselves.

But the truth is, if you aren’t right, you can’t be good to anyone else.

If you don’t have your oxygen mask on and you pass out, you can’t save your child.

If you can’t be your true, authentic, best self in your marriage, then the union is already doomed.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

We’ve been collectively rolling our eyes at that bullshit break-up excuse for eons. But I think in the context of mending a broken marriage, the idea has a lot of merit.

Maybe two sad and angry people who feel trapped, disrespected and unloved, shouldn’t necessarily be trying to work cooperatively all the time.

I believe the right way to attack marriage problems starts with NOT trying to work together.

I’ve sat in front of marriage counselors with an angry spouse. When couples disagree, they spend the entire session telling the therapist what it is their partner does to make them feel sad, angry and miserable in front of the person they’re supposed to love the most.

I think it’s a piss-poor strategy.

Maybe if we took all the finger-pointing out of the equation, we’d see real results.

Not: She makes me feel like this! She does this to me and it isn’t fair!

And more this: What is it that I need to do to make my partner feel safe, and content, and loved, and happy?

And if your spouse is doing that same thing to you in reverse? And attempting to make internal and external changes on your behalf?

I think everyone who wants to make it, will.

I think we just have to choose it.

Rethinking the Problem

Politically conservative people are furious with the number of illegal immigrants flooding into the United States via the southern border. It’s because the undocumented people don’t contribute to the tax system but provide an economic burden on the health care, criminal justice and education systems.

Politically progressive people want to make the path to legal citizenship easier, and in the meantime, appreciate the fact that immigrants most often are performing jobs that help the U.S. economy that most Americans are unwilling to do themselves—namely low-paying agricultural jobs and others in the service industry. They believe innocent children should not be punished or denied access to health care and education because they believe in compassion and helping others and believe the government is in the best position to do it (whether or not that’s true).

Then there are people like me. I agree and disagree with both sides.

I agree that the financial strain on the system is unsustainable, and that our country is a business and should be treated like one. If you can’t pay for anything, you’re screwed.

But I also (mostly) love human beings and believe the value of a human life can’t be measured in dollars and cents.

What’s a political moderate to do on the subject of immigration?

Choose Option C. The road less travelled.

I think you solve the immigration problems in the United States by creating more economic opportunity for people in places like Mexico. I think if Mexico’s economy and health care and education systems improve, Mexicans will want to stay in Mexico, because there’s no place like home.

I vote we make Mexico so awesome that WE want to go there.

Problem solved.

Don’t sit around thinking about how your spouse makes your life miserable every day.

Think about how you can actively change yourself in an effort to bridge the divide between you and her.

Be selfish about making yourself the best you can be so that you’re strong enough to actually be unselfish when the situation calls for it.

Another Definition of Love

“I moved a step farther toward accepting my complete inability to change another person and my inability to change myself. Love has been called many things, but maybe one definition would be the utterly unbridgeable gap between any two humans and the attempt to bridge it anyway.” — from Stumble, by Heather King

It doesn’t start with her.

It doesn’t start with “us.”

It starts with you.

You May Also Want to Read:

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 1

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 2

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 3

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 4

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 5

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 6

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 7

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 8

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 9

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 10

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 12

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 13

…..

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62 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 11

  1. lost33years says:

    Good points. Thought provoking.

    Like

  2. Oh, amen to this! We can’t change other people, but we sure can change ourselves. Men especially need to know that that is where their power lies, that they have the ability to impact situations that appear impossible, by investing in themselves and leading the way.
    Even in the most dysfunctional families, if one person can get healthy, it impacts the whole system, it changes the entire dynamic.

    That’s not easy, because in order to take responsibility, you often have to accept some blame, find some humility, take a look at our own flaws. It’s much more pleasant to just focus on somebody else.

    Even if we find ourselves married to the most appalling person ever, you can draw some real strength and freedom by embracing the idea of responsibility, that we married them, so what do I need to fix within me that led me to seek out such a broken person?

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Thank you for understanding my meaning. A lot of guys want to “fix” everything. And when their marriages turn sour, they often try to fix them doing a variety of things our super-high divorce rate seems to suggest don’t work.

      I want people to try new things.

      Invest in yourself. Make yourself whole. Then good things will happen.

      Like

  3. It always has to start with ourselves! You’ve nailed it on the head. I think as we get older we finally start to see this all important and often overlooked vital component. The ripple effect is far and wide reaching. It’s hard for some people to look within, and much easier to look at what’s being done to them, there needs to be a balance of both.

    Like

  4. Lisa says:

    Oh Matt,
    Yes, Yes aaand Yes on all your points! Especially on making Mexico a totally awesome place to live. I live in California and am a native and I love our border brothers and sisters but Iam sure for many they would love to be back in their home if only the quality of life was better.
    Thanks for your always inspiring thoughtful words.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Thank you for this note, Lisa. I apologize for the delayed response.

      I appreciate you reading, and that you liked this enough to comment. Hope you have a great day.

      Like

  5. v0brien says:

    Matt I always enjoy your words. I hope you write this book, any book. Be well.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      You’re the sweetest. But you know that already. Thank you.

      I think about it every day. I’m not afraid of many of the things I used to fear. But I’m still afraid of that book…

      Like

  6. realophile says:

    brilliantly inclusive of us shitty wives too. thank you for the push to do and be better.

    p.s. i love mexico.

    Like

  7. BoPeep says:

    Sometimes even if you do that, even if you build bridges, accept your role, forgive,

    Like

  8. BoPeep says:

    And change how you react, it still isn’t enough, sometimes there is too much to overcome and the trust that the other person is as committed as you are can’t be restored. Then, you need to get out. Staying becomes unhealthy.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I’m a major proponent of fighting for marriage.

      But everything needs to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Marriages are only viable if BOTH partners love one another. And I mean “love,” the verb, not the feeling that often fails us when we’re sad and angry.

      If someone is married to someone incapable of love, then it’s really only a marriage in name. And yeah, GTFO.

      Because we’re worth it.

      Like

  9. Being married is about becoming a team, yet so often we turn it into a war. I agree that those who chose to make it work, can and will. Attitude accounts for so much more than we give it credit, and encouraging your spouse never returns void.

    Like

  10. Nephila says:

    I take the broader point Matt that blaming other people for what’s really inside the person doesn’t get them anywhere. BUT…many times there is one-sided fault, or hugely disproportionate fault. And counsellors have to be careful. If they’re not they get co-opted into the “it’s no one’s fault, you both have to work on it” thing. And it isn’t true sometimes. On September 15 2014 I did a post called “Marriage Counselling”. You can look it up. The artwork with it was “Marriage Counselling: because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an ass”.

    And it’s true even more if one is a shitty husband (or wife). Cheating is a huge example. So is emotional abuse. Or even the beginnings of physical abuse. Because all the carey sharey “I need this what do you need?” stuff doesn’t help anything if one person is simply being an ass.

    I agree with not trying to “fix” your marriage which implies it is a “thing”. Honestly, I think the secret to a happy relationship is to be a nice person and love your partner with your whole heart. It’s really that simple. Of course all bets are off after abuse or cheating, but still – be a good person is the best thing to do. If they’re going to be a dick they will do that anyway.

    I saw a comedian trying to deal with the latest Palestinian-Israeli reprisals. He said “so they believe in the same God, and they would pretty much agree that God’s rules boil down to ‘don’t be a dick’ so what’s the point in bombing each other and basically proving they both are, in fact, dicks?”

    That, I think is the good part of your point. Don’t be a dick in marriage counselling even if they are being. In fact, especially then. But that does NOT mean you’re wrong about where the blame lies. It’s just that you need the neutral party to tell them that.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      All I know is what I see.

      People get married young because they grew up thinking that’s what you do after you get out of school. They have kids, and it gets really hard because you’re never ready for kids.

      Husband and wife both develop emotional and psychological damage because neither’s needs are being met by the other. It’s possible neither even knows what they are.

      They said “I do” and they naively believe that REALLY means forever, so they take the entire union for granted because “it will always be there!” and “Marriage isn’t easy!” and “we have our good days, and our bad days!”

      It gets fucking messy later when you stop having feelings for one another and never have sex.

      The wife feels abandoned and resented and afraid.

      The husband feels disrespected and unloved and frustrated.

      And I think those two people trying to fix a relationship they never really understood in the first place while trying to pay unexpected bills and go to work and make sure the kids do well in school and “Oh shit, Aunt Cathy just died and Cousin Jake’s wedding is this Saturday!” is a bad idea.

      I don’t think it works. I’m not against therapy. In fact, I’m highly in favor of it. But therapists are human. And how one therapist connects with one spouse will not be the same way she or he connects with another.

      I think we waste time trying to fix other people. I think we waste time trying to fix this magical “thing” we call our marriage.

      I think the only good use of our time is to heal ourselves from within. It’s a psychological, emotional, and spiritual self-examination and exercise. A grueling one.

      It requires stripping away all the bullshit and admitting to ourselves and others all of the things we have spent our entire lives hiding from everyone.

      Then we can mend. We can grow. We can be someone capable of giving more to others than we take for ourselves. We feel whole, so we don’t need-need-need to take everything we can anymore.

      Because we don’t need anything.

      We shouldn’t be with people because they or we feel needy.

      We should be with people who don’t need us at all, but choose us.

      I believe it strongly.

      Like

  11. Nephila says:

    In my post, that I referred to above, our marriage counsellor could see he was still in denial of the fact he cheated and basically it WAS his fault. He was “trying to fix” by getting “us to both work on it” and it took her saying to him “well we are here for marriage counselling, what exactly are you here for?” to shake him up. If I told him that he was cheating not because of me or the marriage, he would not listen. But when SHE told him the same thing, he did. And we are still together, and doing pretty damned well, because she did. So to say he’s grateful she told him off is an understatement. Sometimes people need blame laid at their door. It is where it belongs. And occasionally, they admit it. If they do, there’s hope. If they don’t there isn’t much hope. I see your posts about shitty husbands as trying to get people to admit it. But that also means letting people say it to them.

    I go around saying unpalatable things all the time (as Nephila, and sometimes as me in real life). I don’t believe in sugar-coating, but I do believe in hope. Maybe one day a woman who has an affair with a married man will see me and say “OMG look at what pain I caused someone, I feel awful! I’m going to make up for it as much as I can by apologising, never justifying, never defending, never condoning these actions again. And then I’m going to never have any contact with him ever again, because imagine how she would feel if I did. I’m going to get totally out of their lives. It’s not about blaming me instead of him – it’s about protecting our victim. And I will, even if he won’t”. No, I don’t think it’s likely. But it will never happen if people do not stand up and say no, that behaviour is just shitty. Stop freaking defending it and acting like you’re some kind of victim. Sometimes the absence of condoning is all you can do. Being a witness. Being a non-abetttor. Let’s just say I wish more people had done that for me back then. Too many are afraid of being shot as the messenger, or of “being involved”. But if you’re in a situation of witnessing something bad being done to someone, you’re already involved.

    In many ways I think you’re also a witness Matt. If people choose to see you a certain way that’s on them not you.

    Like

  12. Heather says:

    Sad thing is. If I send this to my husband. He won’t read it. He will look for a blog about how shitty I am or find one thing out of all of the volumes and say I do this for you, I do that for you – so this doesn’t apply to me. I am a patient person and am not a quitter. But he seems to be testing me to see how much he can get away with before I crack…. Which happens and then he apologizes and cycle repeats. We have a 7 year old son and a five year old daughter – our son does some of the same things he does. I say it is time to go. Please get your shoes on – it will take 20 minutes of do you hear me put your shoes. Then our poor son will put his shoes On when I stand over him and he will look at me and say why are you so mad!?!?! Just like his dad! His dad my husband will then attempt to tell him not to ignore me and I see the look on our sons face – yeah right dad like you don’t ignore her too! Our daughter is seeing this. I pray this gets together cause if it doesn’t – teen years are going to be bad.
    My husband really is nice but in a relation to me – it depends.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      You’re not alone, Heather.

      Being married is really hard. I hope your husband is the kind of man who wants you to be whole. Who wants you to feel good. Who wants what’s best for your children. Who wants a life filled with peace and mutual respect, and not brokenness and sadness and anger.

      Your husband is never going to do what you want him to do because it’s in your heart, or because some idiot on the internet wrote about it.

      Your husband is only going to do what you want him to IF it’s in his heart to do so, and you can find a way to appropriately communicate with him how you feel.

      Most wives get hurt. Really hurt on the inside. And when you tell your husband about it, he hears this: “I’m not happy! You make me miserable! I regret marrying you! You’re not good enough! You don’t love me they way I need you to! You’re a bad husband! You’re a bad father! You’re a bad person!”

      What a man needs to hear is this:

      “I chose to be with you for the rest of my life because I love and respect you more than I have ever loved and respected anyone. I want to spend the rest of my life giving all I have to give to help you be the best, happiest man, husband and father you can be. But it’s not going to be possible if we’re living like this. If I’m feeling like this. I want to give. I want to give so much. But I feel broken. And frightened. And sad. All the time. When you do X, it makes me feel Y. When you do A, it makes me feel B. And when I try to tell you about it, you dismiss it because you think I’m attacking you.

      “I’m not attacking you. I think maybe you just don’t realize this is what’s happening. I want to help you understand me. I want to understand you.”

      You may or may not have seen me reference this book, Heather, but every married person should read it. It’s a life-changing manual, I believe:

      http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1427806490&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+improve+your+marriage+without+talking+about+it

      Like

  13. zombiedrew2 says:

    I do agree with you – mostly. Each individual has to be happy with who they are in order for the relationship to survive. I’ve talked to one counselor who says that her approach to marriage counseling is to meet with the individuals for a while first before seeing them as a couple, and her reasoning is the same. If you can work on the individual, often the couple will follow.

    Where this falls apart though, is that a marriage is not just about me, or you. It’s about “us”. So while it is beneficial to work on the individual, it can’t be done at the expense of the couple. There has to still be acknowledgement that the couple exists, and the couple needs to still be maintained while individuals work on the relationship.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Of course marriage is “us.” It’s “we.”

      Like Just Add Water Pancake Mix.

      One partner is mix. One partner is water.

      If you have bad mix. Shitty pancakes.

      If you have bad water. Shitty pancakes.

      Even IF you have good water and good mix, if you overcook or don’t cook enough? Shitty pancakes.

      But we can’t possibly even give ourselves a chance for a decent breakfast if we’re starting with bad ingredients right from the beginning.

      I don’t mean to take teamwork and togetherness out of the marital equation. I’m sorry if you felt that way.

      But in the context of solving problems? Of “fixing” something that’s broken?

      I think it’s human nature to point fingers. I think it’s human nature to listen to a spouse say hurtful things about them in front of counselors and feel resentment and anger and defensiveness.

      Those things don’t serve people well in relationship-building.

      Exercise humility. Admit we can’t control other people. Just ourselves. And then actually do that. Build yourself into the best possible human being you can be, and give more to your partner than you demand in return.

      I think that’s how marriages last forever.

      And how edible pancakes are made.

      Like

      • zombiedrew2 says:

        Yeah, I’m with you on this. I just think it’s important to remember that once you are in a relationship, if you hope/expect the relationship to last then you can’t just focus on fixing/healing the individual at the expense of the relationship. They have to both be done at the same time.

        I was in a situation with someone who decided she needed to take time out to “work on her”. Due to kids and many years invested, I tried to be supportive of that. But weeks turned into months, and then we passed a year. And all the while I wasn’t really seeing any evidence that she was “working on her”. And at the same time the relationship was failing pretty badly, as there was no effort put into it.

        To this day she doesn’t seem to think she did anything wrong. Working on yourself is important. But if people really need to do it they should either find a way to work on both or get out of the relationship. Trying to do it the way my wife did was in my opinion wrong.

        Like

        • Matt says:

          That’s an extraordinarily fair and reasonable and wise take, particularly given your experience, which to a great extent, I can relate to.

          I wish we could talk less about how to fix brokenness, and more about how to build robust relationships that need only minor maintenance now and then.

          Thank you for sharing this stuff, sir. It’s important and I really appreciate it.

          Like

          • zombiedrew2 says:

            You hit on something that is kind of the whole basis of my site. We as people generally have no freaking clue what we are doing when it comes to relationships. We get into them, get married, have kids etc largely “because”. But we tend to not understand what we are really doing and what love really means and is about.

            It’s only when things start to break down that we are forced to take a look at things and realize that maybe there are reasons things aren’t exactly working.

            I also wish we could talk more about how to build strong relationships instead of trying to fix broken ones. Sadly, until something is broken we tend to be oblivious to that fact that is needs to be fixed (or at least maintained).

            Liked by 1 person

  14. I thought Mexico was already a place we wanted to go to … then again, I am from a totally different part of the world. Keep on blogging in a free world – The False Prophet

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Ha! I mean in terms of being safe, and having reliable infrastructure, and a thriving economy.

      As a place of natural beauty, many people rightly want to go there. But clearly, people don’t always want to live there.

      If Mexico and its neighbors made the necessary changes, I think people WOULD want to live there. That would change a lot of things for the better and benefit all parties.

      At least, I think so. But I’m not always right.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Lana says:

    I honestly believe that you nailed it
    Would like to get more posts so where do I sign up?

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Hi Lana. Thank you. This isn’t the most user-friendly WordPress theme, I chose. I apologize. You’ll find email signup and all that kind of stuff at the bottom of any page you’re on. Scroll all the way down, and you’ll see it on the left. Thank you so much for asking. I appreciate you reading very much.

      Like

  16. Rachel says:

    I just blazed through all eleven on these and cried almost the entire time. I’m not at the point of leaving him, but I am at the point of feeling fed up. We don’t have kids, just dogs, but most of your advice still fits. I want those looks across the room at a party, I want the respect and love that I’m really not feeling after 16 years. I am also not shy about voicing my needs because I understand being a guy is an innate handicap and he cannot read my mind.

    I’m thinking of sending the link to #1 to my husband and telling him to take a week, or even a month to read these (he’s not a big reader). But I don’t want him to take it the wrong way and feel like I’m saying I want to leave.

    I’m impressed how you nailed it and I really want him to be aware how his actions affect me. I’m that woman who was once a fun girl but now have been emotionally knocked down. Thanks for your eloquence in writing.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Always a mixed bag when I get this kind of note. I’m so sorry you’re going through it. I’m sad that another marriage is troubled and the husband doesn’t even really understand why. But I am pleased to have your blessing, so to speak, in terms of the accuracy of the message. It’s so important to me that it be authentic and, God-willing, helpful.

      Rachel, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. 16 years is. Great run and I hope it’s a million more. But thank you for taking the time to read these and write this. It means a lot every time I hear someone say that I get it. I so badly want to. For me and anyone who cares enough to read or talk to me.

      Like

  17. Trina Dye says:

    You should turn these into a book. Seriously. You could help a lot of people. Probably already are.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I still have a few things to shore up in my personal life before I’m prepared to start publishing under my first and last name.

      But once I do, I will try to assemble all of these ideas into book form. I haven’t figured out exactly how I want it to look and feel, but I have some outlines sketched, and some pages written.

      As a fellow writer, I imagine you can appreciate just how much it means to hear someone say that they think you have good book material. I really appreciate it.

      I’m passionate about the topic. I genuinely want to help people. And I do aspire to write books one day. So, most of the components are there.

      I just need to get a little braver. Working on that.

      Thank you so much for reading, commenting and encouraging me, Trina. I appreciate it very much.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. lucy says:

    Matt……wow!!! thank you for putting my thoughts and feelings to paper, some I didn’t even know how to communicate. thank you for getting it!! i actually cried through all eleven volumes it was quite cathartic. You helped me find some sense of peace and clarity in my chaotic life. I think you are truly onto something. Out of all the reading I’ve done on relationships and my experience as a wife, mother, and woman you nailed it. I actually forwarded this to my “shitty husband” sadly I don’t think he will invest time to read it as he rarely invest time in anything unless it benefits him. What you have done for me though is priceless. You should not only write a book but consider doing workshops. I am sure there are truly men out there that want to save their marriage and you are spot on thus far. I can’t wait for more. (If I thought it would work I turn him over to you to fix ;) ) I truly am sorry for everything you have gone through to get here but truly you are a hell of a human being and your son is a lucky little guy!!! keep the perspective. Thanks for doing what you do.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I think you can be sure that I won’t read something today that makes me feel better, or inspire me more, than this will.

      Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to write this. It means so much to me that you think this is it. That this is what’s missing for guys because I believe it so strongly.

      And I think if more guys understand, then we will have infinitely fewer divorces and breakups, and then the entire world changes.

      I have one goal: To have as many guys as possible have the same “Eureka Moment” I had. The one where it all came together and made sense.

      If I can assemble a book that helps that happen? I will have done something meaningful. Your encouragement means a great deal to me.

      It really does.

      Like

  19. […] An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 11 […]

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  20. jeni says:

    I just wanted to say that you have some amazing insights here. As someone who is currently “in it,” I can relate to so much of what you write. Life is hard, but we all need to try just a little bit harder. That icludes wives as well. As always, I’ve enjoyed this piece.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Thank you so much for taking time to say so.

      It’s so bad when you’re “in it.” I wish I knew how to do more than just write things that indicate I get it.

      I know it’s worth less than a bad cup of coffee, but you have my very best wishes as you work through it all.

      Like

  21. I feel like this is directed mostly at men, but as a women, I need to take this advice to heart. I will start now. I will try tonight. Thank you Matt for inspiring me to start with myself. I do want my boyfriend to change (as he drinks every night) but I will start with myself. I don’t know what else to do. I KNOW I can’t change him. I love that saying, “You can bring the horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

    Like

  22. by the way, dude – make it a book. seriously. i would buy it.

    Like

  23. Virginia says:

    Vol. 10… hit the nail on the head. Oh how many times I’ve heard over the last few years, “You used to do x, y or z for me” or to the kids “Your mom used to do x, y or z for me a long time ago”. Ok seriously?! Yep, sure did BEFORE I had ALL of the adult responsibilities. And I mean every single one of them. I completely lost myself in trying to make him happy.

    Like

  24. Mia says:

    I wish you would put out a weekly newsletter. I am the wife, and your story mirrors mine. We are still together, and I am at my wit’s end. When reading your story, I feel hope that maybe if I step up my end, he too will turn around…He’s a great Dad, but a shitty husband. Ten years and counting….Thank you for putting yourself out there.

    Like

  25. Billy W says:

    These words are spot on: Be selfish about making yourself the best you can be so that you’re strong enough to actually be unselfish when the situation calls for it… I start to get demotivated whenever I see my wife sad or not feeling good about me, and it makes me feel useless and even not wanting to do things that I suppose to do to develop myself… But your word motivates me… Thanks Matt.

    Like

  26. Angie says:

    My husband just asked me what I was doing. I responsed reading. He asked about what. I replied Shitty Husbands. He retorted, Why aren’t you reading about Shitty Wives?! Typical. And to put it in perspective, the is a month who has spent time in both a detox mental health unit and 30 days in rehab. In the last year. And what did he do in the last week? Start drinking again. But, why am I not reading about Shitty Wives he asks.

    Hate is not a strong enough word.

    Like

  27. Jim Huff says:

    Thanks Matt. 21 years married to my high school sweetheart. She hasn’t left me but I have been a “Shitty husband ” for 17 of 21 years. Just the other day she told me she was “dead on the vine ” and may not have recovered from the damage of me being a “Shitty husband “. I don’t know if l’m out of the woods or not but we are going to counseling. Our sex life is still there and pretty good but I think she fell out of love with me. She seems to want to hang in there but I’m pretty nervous that the fire might be out. My only hope is to get her to fall in love with me again. Thank you for the great insight into your writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      This was nice to read, sir. Not that your wife is struggling, nor that you feel bad about it; but that after two decades, you’re humble enough to self-reflect on improvement opportunities, and are trying to “chase” her again like you may have back in school.

      That’s a good story.

      Thank you for the note, and for being one of the good ones.

      Best wishes to you, and for your marriage and/or family.

      Like

  28. Jim says:

    Matt, I have to say one more thing. As I kept reading through all these volumes, I kept thinking how mature and understanding and unshitty you would be if only you had a second chance with your ex wife. I want to go find her and march her right to you and somehow explain to her what an unbelievable husband you would be to her now. I know that’s not how it works but that girl would be treated like a queen. That’s how I’m treating my wife now, like a queen, as long as I think I have a chance. Thank you for the well wishes

    Like

    • Donegoner says:

      that’s why he’s writing all this. strangers’ affirmation. fantasy that she’ll read it all and come back. clueless. your wife gonna leave too. as long as you treat her like a queen she will treat you with utter disdain. you are not a king, but a servant. she has no respect for you.

      Like

  29. Jim says:

    I would treat her like a queen even if I didn’t have a chance just to make up for the shitty husband years. These precious ladies in our lives never deserved the hurt and pain and neglect.

    Like

  30. Donegoner says:

    any man reading this his marriage is doomed. women hate simpering wimps more than anything in the world. this pussy is going to get you all divorced. grab that bitch by the hair and give her a good spanking. she’ll come around

    Like

    • Matt says:

      You seem to care about having your opinions heard. Last chance, genius.

      Choose smarter words. Like what you’d say out loud standing in the middle of the living room at a family reunion with your aunts and shit sitting around listening.

      You’re going to die alone and with a lot of regret if you don’t get your shit together.

      I’ll be rooting for you. Kind of. You really are the worst kind of asshole. But maybe you can work on that too.

      Like

      • Donegoner says:

        pathetic. who’s alone? gutless pussies pandering to female bullshit. none of the chicks writing letters to you will ever have sex with you. wake up. you are their dickless sister. your wife didn’t leave because of a golf tournament. she left because you are a fucking chump

        Like

  31. Donegoner says:

    All of you men want to feel good by feeling bad for a moment by getting in touch with your gentle emotions. This is stupid and you are letting this pansy emasculate you. He just hates himself and transfers to you. It’s psycho mush. He is also a hypocrite asking others to be respectful while he slings hate and vulgarity himself. He wants me to speak as tho his aunts are in the room. The truth I speak will soak his aunts’ panties. I repeat, if you take his advice and supplicate and self abase then your marriage is doomed like his. There is no shortage of discontent bitchy self centered spoiled wives waiting to blow up your marriage. They are all here suckling the teet of this brood whore. (Punctuation deliberately omitted to make this bitch wail)

    Like

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