Matt the Plumber

(Image courtesy of Emergency Plumber Boston.)

(Image courtesy of Emergency Plumber Boston.)

I looked the part. Jeans and a tee shirt. A wrench and a bucket.

But the universe knows I’m not really a handyman, outside of the kitchen or bedroom. I’m more of a helper. Like Al on Tool Time.

It’s not that I can’t fix or install things. On a case-by-case basis, I can. I just generally require at least one more trip to the hardware store than a regular person.

I’ve installed a dishwasher that only leaked once, a garbage disposal that has miraculously never failed me, some lattice on my deck that lasted a solid five years before falling off, a flat-panel television by my basement bar with minimal wall damage, and I once fixed a washing machine. It still totally works. Seriously!

Bucket in hand, I was all ready to go. I would have charged myself $80 an hour, but I didn’t even have my ass crack showing, so I was like: I’m not paying this impostor.

“Hey Matt! What happened to your sink!?!?”

I’m so glad you asked.

You know the little plunger on the backs of faucets that move drain plugs up and down? Yeah, I somehow disconnected mine from that mechanism on the sink in one of my bathrooms and have never figured out how to fix it, so I just never did.

I needed to plug the sink to do some bathroom hygiene stuff which I really, desperately, want to tell you was because I fill up the sink to shave so I can conserve water responsibly while shaving my two-day stubble that took four days to grow.

But that’s not the reason. It’s because I needed to clean a plugged ear. (Hot, right? You eating lunch? Mmm. Don’t worry, this gets slightly grosser.)

So I press down the plug and let the sink fill up with water while I do what needs done.

It’s time to unplug the drain, only the little plunger-majingy on the faucet isn’t working, because duh, bitch, it doesn’t work!

Crap. How am I going to get this drain unplugged?

I ran downstairs and grabbed one of my old steak knives I would never be able to use again and tried jimmying it into the space between the plug and the drain surround.

It was an ineffective strategy, but I kept trying it over and over and swearing a little. The swearing didn’t help.

Hmmm.

A moment of genius.

Got it!

I grabbed the toilet plunger, because I’m totally brilliant and I figured I could create enough vacuum suction to force the drain up that way.

Three things happened really fast.

The first thing that happened was epic failure as my shitty plan didn’t even almost work. The drain didn’t budge.

The second thing that happened was that all of the totally disgusting bacteria and mildew that lives inside not-well-cleaned toilet plungers totally contaminated my predominately clean sink water, save for the remnants of my successful ear-cleaning procedure.

The third thing that happened is despite almost throwing up in my mouth, I tried the shitty plunger idea a few more times to see if it would work, and it never did, but some of the dysentery water splashed up on my vanity and got all over my toothbrush which I promptly threw in the trash and lit on fire.

The sink was winning.

I needed to think. And find a new toothbrush. And a new place to brush.

I knew I was going to have to disconnect the drain pipe and hit it from underneath (giggity), but that seemed like a lot of work and since I hadn’t contracted malaria or toilet-plunger gonorrhea yet, I wanted to give it a little more brainstorming and disease-marinating time.

Finally, it was last night, and my son would be home the following and there’s no way I could let him see this, so it was time to take action.

A ladybug had already found its way into the disgusting water and had fortunately died instead of turning into a giant flying Toxic Crusader insect that tried to hump my mouth while I slept.

Armed with my wrench and bucket, I pulled out everything stored beneath the sink, situated the bucket and went to work on disconnecting the drainpipe.

Turns out, whoever plumbed the sink installed fittings that could relatively easily be unscrewed by hand, so my wrench was totally for show. I disconnected the drain, pushed the plug out with a screwdriver from underneath, and watched my hand get some AIDS water on it but somehow not shrivel up and disappear. All that remained in the sink was a black ring of filth and horribleness.

I went to work with disinfectant and napalm, cleaned up, put everything away and admired a job well done that maybe took 15 minutes altogether. Even with the napalm.

What that means is I “brainstormed” ideas to fix my sink for 48 hours to try to avoid doing it “the hard way.” The hard way which only took 15 minutes.

It was a missed opportunity.

At $80 an hour, I would have been almost $4,000 richer.

And probably rocked some wicked-hot plumber’s crack.

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26 thoughts on “Matt the Plumber

  1. knace says:

    Oh gosh, wiping tears from my eyes. Matt, this might be the time to have the conversation about who is going to manage your blog in the event of your untimely death from toilet plunger gonorhea. :-)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      If I ever just stop posting one day, I want you to assume I tried to fix something and it didn’t work out.

      Please have a great weekend, K! Thank you for reading.

      Like

  2. Oh geez! I’m wheezing and crying and laughing…I’m a hot mess!! Knace….I have SINCERELY had that same thought……

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Sorry for not responding to comments for 14 years, miss.

      Please don’t wheeze or cry!

      You worry about a succession plan for MBTTTR in the case of my untimely death?

      Until right this moment, I’d never thought about that…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. LOL! Oh, that was just priceless. Well said.

    The best thing I ever saw was this rather unattractive man reach into a septic system to recover an old woman’s ring. It was absolutely disgusting, but the funny part was all the women he attracted who came over to watch him. It was a very sweet thing to do for a little old lady, but also very brave in the face of all those germs. What made it so funny was how attractive it was, until one woman finally pointed out, you do realize we’re all standing about getting all hot and bothered by a man who just immersed his hand in poo? Ah, good point, women can be very strange indeed. ;)

    Like

  4. jgroeber says:

    You had me at “plugged ear.” THAT is something my mother would tell me about… while I was trying to eat a burrito.
    So well done. Quietly chuckling and giving you the slow clap. (And not the kind that grows on your plunger. The kind that says, “Bravo,” while making a noise like this- clap… clap…clap.)

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I try to keep my grossness to a low roar, Jen.

      My apologies. But I am pleased you read this and liked it. Thank you. I hope you’re having a fantastic afternoon.

      Like

  5. Ritu says:

    That was too funny!!! See sometimes it’s just easier, if not more toxic, to go the proper route!!!!!!

    Like

  6. anitvan says:

    Funny. :) And, eww.

    But props for using giggity appropriately in a sentence. That word gets so misused.
    :-p

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Fairy Queen says:

    I’m crying, literally in tears at my desk from trying not to laugh but loud! Didn’t work, I ended cracking up and scaring my co worker. . . Totally worth it though!!

    Like

  8. Matt, I think you and I might be partners in ‘fix it’ hell. I stare at things hoping they will fix themselves. I was laughing down the inside of my thighs reading this, good job both the writing and the sink.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Thank you! I overcame. Not without some trial and error and good, old-fashioned procrastination, but that’s sort of my calling card.

      I like that we’re home-repair kindred spirits.

      #tequila

      Like

  9. You have made The False Prophet’s day with this story. For somebody who once claimed to have no idea what to write about, your writing is hilarious. Keep on blogging in a free world – The False Prophet

    Like

  10. You could earn a little extra coin rocking the crack. Someone might come along and have a hankerin’ to ‘play the slots.’

    Like

  11. Too funny Matt. Thanks for the enjoyable read – as always. Keep it coming! :) Much love!!

    Like

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