The Pee Problem

peeing-statue

Because I’m sometimes unreliable and don’t always follow through with things, I am getting serious about my body for the third time since my divorce.

The first time I got serious, I did absolutely nothing. I just wrote that I was serious one time. That was all I did.

The second time I got serious, I got back into a regular workout routine. A little cardio and a little weightlifting. Nothing too intense. I’m not trying to be a bodybuilder. I just want to look good naked.

Fine. And with clothes on. I got close, but then let the holidays derail my efforts. I felt myself slipping back into lazy,­ you’re-gonna-get-fat! mode.

The third time I got serious was a week or so ago.

I told a couple people I was doing this for accountability reasons.

June 1, Baby

You’re totally going to want me on June 1.

Okay. If you’re a heterosexual female, or a dude who wants dudes, you’re totally going to want me on June 1.

Okay. If you’re a heterosexual female, or a dude who wants dudes, and don’t discriminate against 5’9” divorced guys with a kid rocking the suburban middle-class lifestyle like a boss, you’re totally going to want me on June 1.

I picked an arbitrary date. I figured I needed to be in swimming-pool shape by June. Right? Right.

I’m doing what I always do: I’m waking up early and doing cardio. Lift weights. I’m reducing my calories and exercising more-disciplined eating habits.

But I’m also doing something I’ve never done before: Drinking a lot of water.

This is a Thing, Apparently

A quick Google search will show you a variety of people who swear by a gallon-of-water-per-day 30-day challenge. Without changing any other facet of their lifestyle, people are losing 10-15 pounds just by adding a gallon of water to their daily habits. I have a couple friends who swear by it, also.

So, instead of sipping hot coffee all day, I’m having a cup in the morning and then drinking water the rest of the day. Four 32-ounce water bottle fill-ups. It’s infinitely easier to do than expected.

There’s just one problem.

My Bladder Suffers from Dwarfism

Turns out, I just don’t drink much. Of anything. Been this way my entire life. I drink water or Gatorade or whatever when I’m thirsty. I drink coffee fairly often because it’s the world’s greatest beverage. I drink energy drinks when I need to stay awake for the next five hours. And I drink beer, wine and liquor socially and am generally more awesome (almost certainly just in my own head) when I do.

I started drinking beer regularly as a college freshman and that’s when I learned about this biological defect.

I drink one, two, three, four, and I’m cool. We always called it “breaking the seal.” The first urination in the midst of a drinking session.

Once that happens? Freaking floodgates, yo. Every drink, I’m in the restroom. Every drink!

I use the time to assess my sobriety and have little conversations with myself about not acting as intoxicated as I might feel, or to strike up hilarious conversations with random strangers peeing next to me who may or may not find the talks as entertaining as I do.

This is why I don’t drink much at pro football or basketball or baseball games that I bought expensive tickets to attend. Because I don’t want to have to hike up or down stairs to the bathroom twice per $12 beer.

This is also why I avoid partying too far from home. “Don’t worry, Matt! It’s just a 45-minute ride home!”

Are you shitting me? Forty-five minutes? In a car? With bumps and crap to drive over? I. Will. Die. And almost have a handful of times.

One time I made my friend emergency-stop just a couple minutes from my house so I could pee in a bush outside of some business where I happened to know a guy who worked there, but hadn’t given me permission to pee outside the building, even though that’s totally what I would have told the officer.

I don’t know what happens when you let your bladder swell until failure, but I’m pretty sure you just pee your pants.

Because I’m drinking a gallon of water per day, I have to pee constantly. As a writer, I find this interrupts my flow (pun intended), and I’m annoyed that I have to get up so often.

I went to the restroom three times while writing this post. I wish I was kidding.

Whatever.

Keep your eye on the ball, right?

“Discipline is choosing between what you want now, and what you want most.” I read that on my friend’s blog recently. Seems accurate enough.

What do I want most?

You to totally want me on June 1, of course!

If interested, you can probably find me in a restroom.

Or emergency-peeing behind a bush.

#tommyleejonesface

#tommyleejonesface

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43 thoughts on “The Pee Problem

  1. sourgirlohio says:

    :) You managed to fit the #tommyleejonesface in there quite well, sir.

    Like

  2. ismeisreallyme says:

    Brilliant! I wonder, do men have the equivalent of kegel exercises they can do? While we women swear by it for *cough* strengthening our vajajay walls, it also helps when we have to “hold it” without have to do the crossing the legs and the fidget. Just wondering… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Brandy says:

    Very entertaining – and relatable – post. I’m not drinking a gallon of water a day (or maybe I am, I don’t know, I just drink), but I have made an effort to increase my water intake, which means getting up to pee 50 times a day (or so it seems). I can imagine how it would interrupt your flow of writing. Maybe just put a writing desk over the toilet ;)
    I’m also the same way when I drink alcohol haha! But frequent bathroom visits while getting more and more intoxicated are some of the best conversations I have with myself.
    Good luck and I’m looking forward to totally wanting you on June 1! ;P

    Like

  4. I cannot express how many times I laughed while reading this post. Certainly more times than you peed.

    I did the same thing last summer. Just up and decided to be healthier one day. I started with the water, too. Let me assure you of this one thing: It NEVER stops!

    Seriously. I *pee* you not. (Sounds better than the “s” word!) Never. Ever.

    Almost one year later, and I’m still peeing about 15 times a day. My running joke is that they are going to start taking money out of my checks for the water and paper product bills.

    In other news, I’ve not seen any deductions, so my over-use of the facilities has, as yet, gone unnoticed.

    In better news: It works. Well, that and eating healthier and working out in some way, shape, or form. Down over 30 lbs already and still going! Best of Luck!

    Like

  5. RR says:

    Water is a magical thing. Add lemons to it and even more so. Detox each morning with a warm cup of water and lemon.
    Good for you. Saying something and doing something are two different things…make the third time the charm, buddy! ;)

    Like

  6. BecHanson says:

    And were back!

    That’s funny, I’m also a pee-er (how do you write, person that pees a lot?) It is hugely inconvenient and yes, have even peed my pants (I put it down to having the 2 children!) I always have strategies in place and basically just go whenever I can just in case.

    Good luck with the fitness goal, I’m sure you will rockin’ it June 1 (just remember most women don’t mind if a man is not an Adonis, as long as you’re in the same space in your heads, he’s not depressing or talking about his ex all the time and he feels good about himself (much more important).

    Like

    • Matt says:

      As it turns out, some people like me even when I’m not particularly happy with myself. So, it’s probably not even going to be fair this summer.

      Sorry, world.

      Like

  7. erika says:

    Completely hilarious! That #tommyleejonesface gets me every time.

    And I’m confident you’ll achieve your goal, mister, but I’ll wish you good luck just the same.

    Like

  8. Ritu says:

    Love it! Yes! Water is hugely important! I did a diet where I was drinking in exess of 3 litres of water, and green tea, every day. Before heading off to work in the mornings I’d have visited the loo 5 times! And have you tried to get out of a classroom? Whilst teaching? Cos you just NEED to pee! So I sympathize with you… But on the plus side… It worked!!! I lost a ton of weight!! (But put it back on after the summer 😐)!!

    Like

    • Matt says:

      The argument for maintaining a healthy eating and workout regimen isn’t even vanity, even though that’s my primary motivation.

      It’s just hard to feel shitty when you’re body is in peak condition, and even when you’re working toward that. I’m surprised everyone isn’t addicted to feeling that way, because it’s so much better than the alternative.

      I’ve had my few years of emo. Got that shit out of my system. Ready for good all the time now.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ritu says:

        So true…! But can I be honest here? I need the sun out to feel weight loss motivation! We’ve just got our sun now, so maybe the bug’ll get me again now!!

        Like

  9. Jaime says:

    Water totally works, I refill my 2 brita pitchers at least 3 times per day. Makes you feel better, makes your skin better, makes you eat less, it’s good stuff and I am totally not typing this comment from my phone in the bathroom.

    Yes I am.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. AndiMirandi says:

    I was on my way to a casino one night, on a dark country road. I had to pee so bad, I pulled over and literally peed in the dirt. I felt great. Until 3 minutes later on that country road, a raccoon, the size of a cow, jumped in front of my car. I hit it. Hopefully killed the little bastard. He caused $1800 worth of damage to my car.

    If I wouldn’t have had to pee, I wouldn’t have hit the raccoon and wouldn’t have paid the money to get my car fixed.

    This is why drinking water would never work for me. :)

    Like

  11. This post was what I needed to read today I’m at a local coffee shop and laughed out loud at least 4 times. Thankfully I’m very friendly with the owners lol. My mother always use to tell me to keep an empty coffee can and a roll of toilet paper in the trunk for long car rides. Always thought she was just being silly. Until a 4 hour trip upstate took 8 hrs and let’s just say I was glad I had something rolling around in the trunk lmao. I wish you luck on the water/weight/health journey…can’t wait to see you on June 1st but, not trying to sound out of line, you look really good now!

    Like

  12. knace says:

    I’ve been trying to do this too. I even have an app on my phone that reminds me to drink. =) I have to say I don’t mind the peeing, except at night. Sleep is so fragile and precious to me now. Good luck on your quest! *raises Hello Kitty insulated tumbler full of H2O in toast*

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Only a week in, so I have no idea how my body will respond after a month or two, but I’m super-curious to find out.

      Cheers to you, K!

      Hope you’re having a great weekend!

      Like

  13. sassygirl40 says:

    Over time your bladder adjusts *slightly* and you won’t have to pee as much. You will still have to pee more than previous, but it does get slightly better.

    I highly recommend keeping water on your bedside table over night (2cups) and in the morning the second you wake up guzzle it…(maybe just start with one cup and build up to two). It gets your system jump started, improves metabolism and cleans your system out.

    Good luck with your health/fitness goals! You can do it, just stick with it!

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I’ve had two chances to do this and haven’t yet.

      I do promise to give it a shot. Can’t be hard.

      Thank you for the suggestion and the encouragement.

      Like

  14. swo8 says:

    Better get your prostate checked Matt.
    Leslie

    Like

  15. anitvan says:

    I feel your pain, Matt. Literally. I’m on my fourth beer and if I don’t empty my bladder soon, things are gonna get ugly…

    Have a great weekend man!

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I used to think that I ONLY had this problem with beer. But it turns out, beer is just the only thing I ever drink THAT much of.

      I think that makes me awesome. Don’t tell anyone.

      Cheers!

      Like

  16. Congratulations. You’re a middle aged woman! :)

    Like

  17. Vince says:

    When you have to piss really bad and wait for too long. It comes out in a thin stream and you wonder if you will explode before your bladder empties.

    Like

  18. clay says:

    I need to get serious, too….for a litany of reasons and I do remember the pee problem, but as a teacher – I can’t pee from 7:50 until 11:30 M-F because if I do the principal – the one who’s out to get me – will walk in and see the filming of a mayhem commercial and I’ll get fired. So, I just hold it, turn green, dance, all sorts of antics to avoid peeing… I feel your pain – good luck on your goal and while I support your 6/1 deadline, I’ll pass – good luck!

    Like

  19. FanTC says:

    This made me realize how much water I’m not drink anymore…my bro’s gonna kill me (health nut).

    Me tooooooo! We both have pee problems! Teenage girl squeal dance on three!

    Like

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