Stop Pretending Superman Might Lose a Fair Fight

Yeah. You're beating that guy in a fight. Sure.

Yeah. You’re beating that guy in a fight. Sure.

Antivan asks:

“If Superman and Godzilla got into a fight, who do you think would win?”

 …

Superman. Want to know why? Because he’s Superman. I need everyone to stop pretending Superman is going to lose any fights here on Earth.

I’m not a huge comic book fan. And if any huge comic book fan reads this, I’m positive he or she can school me on some little-known nerd fact that could conceivably see Superman lose a fight, but I’m going to think it’s bullshit no matter what.

Why?

Because Superman is invincible. Impervious to bullets and fire and shit. Ridiculously strong. He can fly faster than a speeding bullet! That’s fast! He can lift entire land masses and fly them into outer space! That’s strong! That means if Superman wants to fly into Godzilla’s mouth and fly around faster than a speeding bullet inside his guts, totally ruining his mega-lizard shit, he’s going to. He might even fire a few lasers from his eyes into Godzilla’s appendix for good measure.

Right now, everyone in Japan who remembers 1954 is like: “Where the hell were you with this ingenuity 60 years ago, Matt?”

Sorry. I was, like, negative-25 then.

Unless Godzilla has a spleen made of Kryptonite, I don’t think this is much of a debate.

Superman is kicking his ass. It’s not even close.

Speaking of which. The ONLY way Superman loses a fight, ever, is if his opponent has a bunch of Kryptonite on hand. Know what happens then? Superman becomes totally impotent. Curls up in the fetal position. I could kick Superman’s ass if I was wearing Kryptonite armor.

Kryptonite is total crap in the context of evaluating Superman’s toughness. Either you have some, and he’s worthless, or you don’t, and you have a ZERO-percent chance of defeating him.

I’m kind of pissed we have a new Batman vs. Superman film coming out next year for this very reason, despite a bit of nerd love for most things Batman-related.

1. Don’t make our two most-iconic superheroes fight, dicks.

2. Batman is my favorite superhero. BUT. He’s totally getting his ass kicked by Superman in a fair fight for all the reasons previously mentioned. The writers will inevitably write some nonsense that allows a regular person with martial arts training, a rad suit, a lot of money and really cool gadgets to fight competitively with the most powerful being on Earth.

I’m not going to like it.

Superman looks sort of lame in his tights and cape (not counting the sweet image I used up top). He’s not likely to win any Tough-Looking Guy contests. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t the toughest.

Superhero brawl? Last hero standing? No Kryptonite?

Everyone not nicknamed the Man of Steel is getting worked.

They just are.

Have a question you want me to answer? Probably not! But maybe you’ll ask one anyway just to be nice! Ask me stuff here, please!

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13 thoughts on “Stop Pretending Superman Might Lose a Fair Fight

  1. anitvan says:

    OMG, ROFL! Thanks for totally making my day :-p

    Like

  2. jgroeber says:

    Just loved this. And I don’t give a crap about superheroes. (Except maybe Wonder Woman because… Linda Carter.) But this one just made me smile. Thank you for that.

    Like

  3. nights7 says:

    I totally disagree. Superman might beat Godzilla but, Batman? No way! Sure he’s strong & fast but Batman has Alfred & science, not to mention the dark, brooding sense of vengeance that ultimately drives him. Also, I’m pretty sure the Superman/Batman conflict is comic book based. I could be wrong but I think they butt heads for a hot minute before ultimately deciding to join forces.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      My position is clear: Superman doesn’t lose a fair fight.

      If people want to let Superman’s enemies use Kryptonite and beat him while he’s weakened and worthless, I suppose that’s everyone’s totally wrong prerogative. :)

      Like

  4. LOL! You tell ’em. They say that without phone booths, superman can’t change clothes anymore? These things worry me. Also, Thor is now female so I think the whole world has pretty much gone mad.

    Like

  5. Vince says:

    Batman uses a rope to climb buildings. Superman can just fly right up there.
    Batman uses a fast car to get around. Superman can just fly there.
    I could keep going but Superman actually has super powers!!!

    Like

  6. knace says:

    You may be right, but I’m going to root for Gojira anyway. And Batman. Superman is just so…goody-goody.

    Like

  7. mjmsprt40 says:

    Superman against Superman.
    The Superman of my youth– mid- 1960s or thereabouts– was as powerful as it gets, His only weakness was a rock, and of course it had to be Kryptonite– not just any rock would do. He could move planets. He could smash a planet to bits if that needed doing. Just like you said, impervious to everything.
    Then, sometime in the 1970s they changed the mix. They came out with a new, improved Superman. Kryptonite had been eliminated, but he had new, as yet to be discovered weaknesses. By the time of the “Death of Superman” series, he was nothing like his ’60s and before being.

    Superman– pre-1969 against Superman– circa 1995—- I gotta say the older Superman wins, hands down. Not even a struggle.

    Like

  8. Brandon says:

    Comic book nerd here…

    The Batman vs. Superman thing comes out of Frank Miller’s Dark Knight Returns graphic novel. It’s probably one of the best comics ever written, and has beaten out many books I’ve read.

    Story is roughly like this… Batman is old (mid 60s) and after saving Gotham too many times – and having Robin die at the hands of Two Face – has retired. Bruce Wayne still lives on, having superessed that part of his vengeful self long ago. Now… he’s just an old man.

    But Gotham has gone bad, horribly bad and he hears the call of the bat again (lots of heavy figurative references in the book about it). And he takes up the mantle again.

    All the while Superman has become a weapon of war for America. Used rarely, he never questions authority. Batman stirring the pot again causes the President to send him to Gotham to sort it out.

    The fight actually follows what you said (that no one can beat him in a fair fight), even in the book he knows he can’t beat him totally, amd he definately cant kill him even on his best day. Batman basically thinks Clark Kent is a bitch who can’t think for himself, and (with a little Kryptonite trickery, of course) makes him his bitch. After all, even Superman can bleed, which is really the point.

    It’s all part of the bigger story, and I know I sound like a huge nerd now. It’s just ironic, I was bored at home (post divorce here, hence me reading your blog) and dug out this one from my old cache on sheer chance not a week ago. It’s a very fun, adult oriented, dark, and complex read (for a comic book). I recommend it if you can borrow a copy from a friend or from the library.

    Like

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