Don’t Invite Me to Your Divorce Party

happy divorce

Because a bunch of people have been encouraging me to write for Huff Post Divorce, I’ve been spending more time reading it.

There are thoughtful pieces I like and agree with, such as “An Open Letter to My Ex-Husband’s New Girlfriend.”

There are thoughtful pieces I hate and disagree with, such as “Here’s Why My Affair Will Turn Into A Healthy, Long-Term Relationship.”

There are very practical Things You Should Know pieces. About legality. About emotional turmoil. About child-custody issues. About moving on.

But there is one type of story that’s prevalent and bothering me.

The Fuck-Yeah-I’m-Divorced-Let’s-Party story.

My ex-wife was in a relationship after our separation. Never met the guy. And that’s more than okay.

When something bad happens to you—something really bad—it cuts you on the inside in ways you didn’t know was possible. It’s shocking.

You’re reeling from the horrible thing that happened. And all the sudden your body and mind are experiencing things you were totally unaware were even possible, making healing seem impossible.

Almost like losing grip on reality. And maybe that’s exactly what happens.

I spent countless hours and nights alone on the couch or in bed. I’d watch TV sometimes, but it was so hard to focus on anything that I would often have to rewind whatever I was watching over and over again because I’d get lost in thought and not pay attention.

I was almost obsessed with them. Another man with my wife. And I spent unhealthy amounts of time picturing them together. At the dinner table. Maybe curled up on the couch together. Maybe driving around in cars. Maybe on vacation to places I could never afford to take her. And, of course, in bed.

In about 35 years, I had never felt anything more excruciating.

You can’t feel more rejected than that.

You can’t feel smaller than that.

You can’t feel more humiliated than that.

You don’t just lose your partner. You lose all your memories of your partner because she ceases to be the person you know, because the person you know would not be doing this right now.

And then you lose yourself. And you can’t recognize yourself in the mirror because you’ve never felt or behaved like this before.

It’s all very scary.

My marriage broke. Much of it was my fault. But that didn’t stop the hurt.

My parents divorced when I was 4, and you might think that life experience would help prepare you for the realities of divorce in your own marriage.

It didn’t.

Divorce was the most brutal thing I have ever experienced. I know some people have experienced more-challenging things and that I’m blessed to have not.

But make no mistake: Divorce (if the love was real) is very hard. Worse, I believe, than most people give it credit for. It’s the second-most-stressful thing that ever happens to you, according to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. Marital separation is No. 3 on the list. It is only behind the death of your spouse, and ranked ahead of things like going to prison and the death of a close family member or friend. When it happened to me, I freaked.

What that means is, when I see your Fuck-Yeah-I’m-Divorced-Let’s Party stories it makes my skin crawl.

It means I want to punch you in your face, even though I would never, and even though you might not deserve it. (Everyone’s divorce story is different.)

On behalf of the institution of marriage—an important union designed to bring enormous stability to our world—I’m insulted.

On behalf of every scorned spouse who has fallen asleep alone in the dark sobbing and thinking about the person they loved being with that other person—I’m offended.

On behalf of every child that cries and suffers financially and socially and academically and spiritually because his or her mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore…

I wanted to write it. And almost did. It’s perhaps the most unkind two-word phrase we have in the English language.

But I don’t really mean it.

Because there are some marital horror stories out there. And the women and men who feel liberation, who feel peace, who now have an opportunity to pursue real love in a post-divorce world DESERVE to feel good.

And it makes sense that people with those stories would want to use them to empower other divorced people and encourage them to find peace and contentment in this new life.

But I want so badly to live in a world where love and families are viewed with more reverence than our throwaway-marriage culture calls for.

Where we empathize with people in pain, and the blameless children caught in the middle.

Where divorce is frowned upon and strenuously avoided.

Fuck Yeah, We’re Divorced, Let’s Party?

Have a good time.

I won’t be there.

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58 thoughts on “Don’t Invite Me to Your Divorce Party

  1. mjmsprt40 says:

    I was too busy trying to keep from being destroyed to do any partying. It’s not fun when you hear the phone ring and either it’s her with another destructive message or it’s a creditor asking for money you don’t have to pay a bill that has gotten out of sight from trying to hold things together just a little longer. I can think of a lot of things to celebrate, divorce is not one of them.

    Like

  2. I hated the: “Here’s Why My Affair Will Turn Into A Healthy, Long-Term Relationship,” story btw.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My husband left me three years three months and three weeks ago. This week the settlement papers were finally signed. To me, it is time for celebration; not celebrating ‘the-end’ (of the marriage) or even celebrating the ‘divorce’ (the separation) but rather celebrating the end of the divorce ‘process’. By that I mean the awful financial mess, the legal ramblings and the ‘my-life-is-on-hold’ type of misery.
    For me, it is time to celebrate; albeit that it will be me alone in quiet celebration of finally being able to sit back and plan my next chapter.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Matt says:

      I pray it was ABUNDANTLY clear that you, Elizabeth, are not the kind of person I was talking about.

      There have been moments of “celebration” throughout my divorce process. When I overcame obstacles. When I grew. When I healed. When I figured out there were things I could do that I didn’t know I could do.

      When I realized everything was going to be okay.

      Those are beautiful, empowering moments worth celebrating.

      It’s the Leave-Him-Honey-You’re-Better-Off-Without-Him-And-Let’s-Go-Party-Like-We’re-The-Stars-Of-Sex-In-The-City types of messages that I find most offensive.

      People escaping unhealthy relationships, or finally getting through a long, arduous journey deserve their moments of happiness.

      I sure hope you don’t believe I feel otherwise.

      Congratulations on being able to take the next steps. I think I can appreciate how much better that must be than the alternative.

      Like

      • No I didn’t think that you thought that. Your post came at a time when I was about to ‘celebrate’ and so i thought I would chime in that there can be a time to do that. I agree totally with your points. When I was in that spot you describe, I would browse the internet for help. Whenever I came across those ‘leave-him-honey & etc’ stories, I would think ‘WTF?’. Where is the ‘lets-try-and-work-this-out’ (or at least talk it over).
        Marriage and families deserve that ‘working through bad times’ chance.
        Thanks for your kind reply and support of me. I appreciate it.

        Like

    • Celebrating the end of paperwork and fighting, with dinner and friends, is different then trying to relive your 21st birthday, in the same dress! (Sorry I use to bartend, I seen these parties)! Insane!

      Like

    • bechanson says:

      I agree, celebrating a divorce is grotesque, but I also celebrated reaching a financial settlement, at least I knew how I was going to feed and house my children for the 1st time in two years. The emotional and financial stress of a marriage ending is unfathomable, I hope the next chapter goes well.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I would never have a “divorce party”, but divorcing my x (and taking the kids out of that toxic relationship) was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. That said, for the next 8 years, I encouraged our two kids (1 girl/1 boy) to spend every weekend with their Dad, and continued to tell the children that it was a 50/50 “thing”- their Dad was not a bad husband to me (although he was) – he and I simply “didn’t work together”. I remember the last day I was still hanging in there. I had gone to get a screw driver from his tool box and whoops! The 5, 322 Playboy fell out onto the floor. Sigh. (Really? Are we here again?) You know- it gets old. I remember begging him on my knees, crying- begging him to stop doing that. But he’d been long addicted and didn’t know how to. I had actually married him twice! In the same church twice and with the same preacher twice. Ha. Because he’s the Dad of my kids, I fought for him for the next decade so the child support division would leave him alone, going to two separate counties and signing papers to close out his case myself- wasn’t easy! I had to really battle the system. It’s a rare thing for an x wife to do that.

    But I say all of that to say, we spent the next decade co-parenting our kids. I’ve spent a LOT of work with my kids teaching them that their Dad is a good man. (He’s an alcoholic. But that doesn’t make him a bad Dad.) My strong efforts payed off- we’ve remained amicable for the kids for years now, and our kids are healthy, having been raised by both parents- joint custody. No parent-bashing from either one of us. (Bigtime taboo!)

    You’re absolutely right. Anger kills relationships- among other things. I would never throw a “divorce party”. I think if somebody’s getting beat or slapped around though, and feel a need to celebrate getting away from a monster- more power to them. I couldn’t blame them. But I think when you bring kids into the mix, you have to respect the beast, you know? Divorcing (when kids are involved) should never be a party. Never.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      We totally agree.

      And for the record, I don’t know of any actual, specific divorce parties. I was just reading a bunch of articles. And there are a lot of writers offering their personal stories, or their good advice, or pointing people in the direction of those things.

      The types of stories I’m talking about–in my personal opinion–don’t fall into that category.

      Leaving shitbags should be celebrated. I just try to give men more credit than that.

      I think most people break their marriages slowly, and without realizing it.

      People, who, if you told them–crystal ball-style–what would happen if they didn’t make some changes in their lives, WOULD make all the changes needed to keep their families together.

      Sometimes, people like that get left. And sometimes, in cliche, mid-life-crisis fashion, their exes go party and have sex with everyone and literally celebrate something I think is tragic for what I think are all the wrong reasons.

      Like

      • Definitely agree with you on that one. (I think the media/sitcoms kind of celebrate it too.) I don’t have a problem with anyone “celebrating their divorce”, as it were, but I DO have a problem with people running right into their next relationship- luggage in hand- and jumping right onto the sex-go-round. It’s really gross. I think people should treat a divorce like a death- it really commands respect, I think. If love it lost, it should be mourned like a dead child. Time/introspection/reflection- yada yada- it all takes time. (Or, it should.) So I suppose that’s the part of it all I have a problem with. (Some of my friends have divorced and jumped right into the “divorce party mindset”. I can’t cringe hard enough.)

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Susan says:

    Dude! This is my 3rd attempt at commenting on your blog. I have been having issues with WP. Anyway, do you follow ChumpLady? If not, you should because she completely picked apart that story about “Here’s why my affair…” It’s a good read. :-)

    http://www.chumplady.com/2015/01/can-affair-relationships-last-super-duper-special/

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Jen says:

    It’s interesting that I should be reading this post now for two reasons: 1. I just heard from my attorney that my divorce was finalized with the court on 1/12; and 2. I am actually planning a divorce “party”. Before you stop reading and delete immediately, hear me out:

    I am in the event planning business. I am conditioned to want to celebrate events large and small. In fact, I would plan a party for a splinter removal if I thought it would make someone happy. This event is no different. Some might even go so far as to say that you start a marriage with champagne and cake, why not end a marriage the same way.

    However, my reasons for doing so are not the typical “my ex was an ass, let’s celebrate that we’re not together” or “thank god I’m rid of him, that lying, no good, cheating, son of a bitch”. He wasn’t any of those things so I have no reason to celebrate that. We just didn’t work. Actually, I didn’t work with him.

    This celebration is just for my closest girl friends, who have stuck by me with tissues, shoulders, and alcohol to help soothe my wounded soul. This celebration is a thank you to them for being there for me when I needed support, for picking me up when I couldn’t get off the floor, and buying me a manicure or a much needed glass of wine when I needed the pick me up and didn’t have the money for it. This is a thank you gift from me, to them because now is as good a time as any to celebrate a new life that they helped me create.

    On a side note, I am not a follower of Huff Post Divorce and so I haven’t read any of the posts or articles that you have mentioned. Actually, yours is the only “divorce” blog that I follow. Anyway, thanks for posting and listening (or reading….)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      In car. Will respond more in a bit. :)

      This made me smile.

      Like

    • Matt says:

      It’s important to me that I not seem as if I’m casting judgment on people who either A. Are divorced and happy about it, or B. Celebrating the end of a difficult time in their life in hopes that something better is coming for them.

      I was NOT even talking about actual divorce parties. I just thought it was a good headline, but I’m starting to think it’s making me sound like an asshole, which wouldn’t be the first time.

      1. I love parties. Probably more than a guy my age should.

      2. If you are celebrating to support your friends, or because you’re healing, or because a challenging time in your life has passed, I think it’s beautiful and worthy of celebrating. And even if I didn’t, I’d be an Asshole Supreme for suggesting you can’t feel however you feel about whatever you want. I try to be a predominantly judgment-free zone. I need more practice sometimes.

      3. My problem is that I’m sensitive. And it hurt really bad when my marriage broke. And when I see people (more specifically, women) encouraging women to end their marriages and giving them tips on how to have fun and play with more penises and enjoy the freedoms away from their dreadfully boring husbands, it just makes me sad.

      It seems destructive. And ugly.

      You, Jen? You seem the furthest thing from destructive and ugly.

      You just went through the most-difficult thing I have ever known. It’s a really challenging time for people on a variety of levels.

      And dammit. You should celebrate any aspect of it you want, and I’m so sorry if I made you feel compelled to defend yourself as if you’ve done anything that needs defending.

      I should have picked a better headline.

      I just want people to love others and not be massive dicks.

      When I see people treating marriage like a three-month high school romance and celebrating its demise (so long as their spouse wasn’t an evil tyrant, of course), it makes me angry.

      You are the furthest thing from the problem, and I hope you have a magnificent time with your friends and I hope this next chapter of your life brings you the peace and joy so many of us crave.

      Please have a great weekend. Thank you so much for spending time reading this stuff and for taking time to leave your thoughts.

      I appreciate it so much.

      Like

      • Jen says:

        Matt –
        I was destructive – I was the one that began the path to ending my 21 year marriage. He was the one that actually said the words, “I think we should split”, but I was moving in that direction for sure. I think I had always been moving in that direction but certain events prompted the process of self-discovery. It took me a very long time to realize that the destruction I caused only led the way to the building of something beautiful: me. I am also sensitive, like you Matt, and the process of realizing I didn’t want to be married to him anymore hurt like nothing else has before. The process of our divorce was pretty civil compared with others, but that’s not what hurt. What hurt was the realization that I had spent all my adult years pleasing everyone else, was part of a marriage that was never right, and somewhere along the way, I got lost. I did, however, gain 2 beautiful children and for that I am eternally grateful.

        And now, it’s time to celebrate my authentic, true, self, along with my girls who have been there for me every step of the way. You didn’t make me feel like I had to defend myself, I just thought the timing was so ironic that I had to speak to it. I also wanted to give you a different perspective.

        For the record, I agree that people who find an excuse to bash their ex are ugly and it’s counterproductive when there are children involved.

        Anyway, have a great weekend – get out there and have some fun!!

        Best,
        Jenny

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Jayne says:

    I wanted to lie in the world you described too. I just wasn’t equipped to consciously think of what a partner – or myself needed for a long term relationship. What am I saying long term for? I was married 23 years. I mean life-long. Just because you and I can believe what we want to believe or society decides that divorce isn’t acceptable, people still have to choose each other. I think we may be trying to find solutions in the hindsight of our own circumstances.That would be nice but life is lived forward and for me, that means that we have to be conscious, cautious, self-aware, and mentored by seeking the answer or by seeing good examples. We make wrong choices and I thought that IF I could show my kids that their parents could divorce and do it in a civil manner, they would see that it’s possible to fall in love, get married, have kids, and separate as friends and still as a family, which we are. Their parents just were/are not a good match for each other after all that and staying married is not the best unless both people actively create a good marriage. How do we teach kids to do that? That’s the perspective I’d rather come from. I sound dis jointed here. You are very insightful and I really like how you put your perspective and self out there. I hope you find someone who matches you very well. Thank you, J

    Like

    • Matt says:

      You don’t sound disjointed, Jayne. You make perfect sense.

      I spend a lot of time writing about the past. And unless the lessons of the past can be applied to my life in a positive, future-tense kind-of way, there’s really no point to any of it.

      Yesterday barely matters. Who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow.

      So, yeah. Be conscious. Be self-aware. Do the right thing even when no one’s watching.

      And in the context of a relationship, give more than you take and make sure the other person is willing to do the same.

      Sounds simpler than it is.

      Sorry it took me 47 years to respond. I hope you have a beautiful day.

      Like

      • Jayne says:

        lol…47 years. Hey it took me longer so you are ahead! (of what, I don’t know ) I do think you’re right about finding a person to believe the same. THAT is what I thought but I didn’t ask and the odd thing is that after decades of marriage, it wouldn’t have mattered because we and life change in unpredictable ways. You can prepare all you want but that factor of the unknown is SO erratic, and we all want the same things but think differently that I end up thinking it’s a gamble under the best circumstances. It does sadden me when couples that started out so bright and seemingly harmonic, break up but it also puts a light of fragility on us and makes me want to work hard at it again or run far in the opposite direction! Where are my shoes?

        Like

  8. Hey Matt – – Happy New year, it’s been a while. First of all, you SHOULD submit to Huff Post, but not just the Divorce section. I think your writing should go up in the Marriage section and the Women section too. I occasionally dabble in the Divorce section http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stephanie-d-lewis/men-at-work-never-date-th_b_5950156.html but I don’t think they are ready my humor so I stick with Huff Post comedy. lol. Let me know if you want an editor name. Btw, “I think most people break their marriages slowly, and without realizing it.” Spot on statement!
    Stephanie

    Like

  9. Fran Tunno says:

    You rock Matt. I couldn’t agree more.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Maybe they shouldnt call them divorce parties? Call them….Happiness Parties, your first chance at happiness didnt work, well heres your second chance? Dont waste it!

    Like

  11. claywatkins says:

    Matt, I love your honesty and openness about this subject. We all own our lives – our actions and their consequences. Sometimes it’s easier to pass the buck and blame others or to pretend that what has happened was part of some grand plan and that we’re ‘all good with it.’ But it’s just on the surface – I wouldn’t party either, it’s not right. Time to reflect, reboot, and change for the positive. Be proactive and Begin with the end in mind – two life habits. Have a wonderful week.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Many thanks, sir. Apologize for the delayed response.

      And I don’t mean to sound flippant or whatever. Thank you, sincerely, for reading and thinking and caring and encouraging me.

      I appreciate it very much.

      Like

  12. I loved the letter, read it yesterday and thought it was magnificent. Now and then I run across something that truly sets my teeth on edge though, the divorce parties are one of those things.

    I had a ‘sorta’ divorce party. The day it was final, my good friend and I cooked dinner together at my house and sat with Herradura, cigar and the dinner we cooked. She sat patiently while I cried, raged and talked through what was next. Then we cleaned up the mess.

    It was what I needed.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      It makes sense that you would love it. I really enjoyed your story about about being a stepmother and how you set aside everything else on behalf of your sons. That’s popped into my head a few different times since reading it. Such an adult way to move forward.

      Dinner, tequila and a cigar might be a party to some people, ma’am, but I’m pretty sure that’s just Tuesday night for you. :)

      Like

  13. Alma Campos says:

    Hmmm, I think the Fuck Yeah Lets Party stories are probably written NOT by the one whose fault the divorce was.

    Haven’t read them tho, just assuming. I can see how divorce can be freeing for a person who tried and tried, gave and gave… and their dreams were shattered. Like a fresh start. Idk. I mean, you can’t be mad at someone for trying to be happy, even if it’s in this…yes, I admit…kinda weird way….hehe

    Like

    • Matt says:

      You’re right, of course.

      There’s a distinction, a critical one, between the people who feel liberated versus the people who were selfish.

      Regardless, I try to treat everyone with decency and respect. This was a topic I was thinking about in the moment. But I don’t cast judgment on people over this sort of thing.

      It’s hard being an adult.

      Like

  14. bechanson says:

    I agree, divorce is not something to celebrate and it is an …’important union designed to bring enormous stability to our world…’ and I’m also insulted. I also wonder what now? Because it seems a lot of people do perceive marriage as something that can be thrown away, then it can be just that, disposable. I just find this very perplexing with a view to moving forward because it could just all happen again, so after something like this occurs I want to know, how to truly move forward?

    I completely sympathise with the pain you experience in relation to your ex-wife’s new partner, when my ex-husband introduced our children to his new (23 year old) partner (he and I are both in our late 40’s) a month after he left it was incredibly tough, when they got married shortly after, another huge blow. They now have an 18 month old son and another on the way, my children (as my ex now calls them, not our children) now have new brothers, but their brothers are not my children, I always thought my children would only have siblings that were also mine! I never expected these things to happen in our lives and so now I just always try to be calm when surprised and appreciate all the things that are good in life whenever I can. I also believe (5 years after the break-up) anything, no matter how big or small that I want to celebrate, I do, because you never know what’s about to happen next.

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    • Matt says:

      “…because it could just all happen again, so after something like this occurs I want to know, how to truly move forward?”

      That’s the question, isn’t it.

      Everyone reacts to divorce differently. But for all the people that reacted like me? I don’t think doing it twice is an option.

      I think a life of lonely celibacy might be better. Okay, probably not. But still–divorce. Can’t happen again.

      It just can’t.

      So, I think now is the time for me to really dig in and understand what went wrong.

      The mistakes must not be repeated.

      Like

      • bechanson says:

        I wouldn’t consider marrying again, so there’ll be no second divorce, but I’m not into being a lonely celibate either, I think there has to be some kind of middle ground.

        In my view the current model of marriage is flawed and somewhat redundant and our expectations of it need to be reviewed, it isn’t working for the majority of marriages in our society (as they fail) mostly because societally we have changed and continue to change rapidly.

        I have done a lot of self-reflection too and changed in lots of ways but it takes two to end a marriage, so all credit to you for trying to work out what went wrong but don’t forget all the things you got right too!

        In the future, if I find someone I want to be with I think I will look at it more as a day to day proposition, ‘…til death us do part…’ is now just an expression.

        Like

        • Matt says:

          Somewhere inside me lives a romantic or optimist or idealist that wants to disagree with you.

          But I’m not prepared to do that at this time.

          There isn’t ONE thing we do as a society that everyone just accepts as a social norm only to have it wreak so much emotional and financial havoc on everyone as we do marriage.

          It’s almost irresponsible to let it continue as is.

          I still can’t think of a more-appropriate way to raise children. Which is super-important.

          But it’s really hard to make a sane argument for marriage in it’s current form. It doesn’t mean a few enlightened, disciplined, well-intentioned people can’t pull it off.

          But most? Even 51%?

          I think those days are over.

          Like

          • bechanson says:

            I think those days are over too and we are the generation in the state of flux. It’s true I’m not a romantic (any more) but I am optimistic, I honestly think my children have been fortunate, although they’re parents aren’t together they’ve had a great childhood and are doing reallly well, maybe their generation will come up with an alternative solution.

            Liked by 1 person

  15. “You don’t just lose your partner. You lose all your memories of your partner.” Yeah, that one hit me.

    Other then that, I agree with what has been said. It seems absurd to me the idea to celebrate, but then again, different people, different stories, different priorities can make some sense out of it I suppose.

    Great post, as always.
    Cheers

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Thank you very much.

      This happens a lot as we age. We learn something about someone we know and it changes our entire worldview. Blows our minds. And we can never look at them the same.

      It’s hard enough when it’s a relative or a friend or someone you’ve known a long time.

      It’s mind-exploding when it’s the person you love and trust the most.

      Shakes you right down the core and makes you question everything.

      It’s an important realization: We don’t have it all figured out. We don’t always have a firm handle on the stuff happening around us. We never really know what’s going on inside the hearts and minds of others.

      Maybe best to accept that as a certain truth, rather than however we were thinking about it before.

      Of course, I have no idea what I’m talking about. But I appreciate so much that you thought I wrote a good post. Means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, you may not have any idea of what your talking about, but that seems pretty accurate and insightful and right on the spot for me.

        It’s true though. You grow up and you develop a certain arrogance that makes you feel you’ve figured it all out. And then … you realize you didn’t and… yeah, it sucks.

        We need to re-think a few things. In a way, you loose a bit of faith in the process. You get more suspicious, more cautious. I dunno…

        Like

  16. anitvan says:

    I don’t know…to me, the end of any marriage makes me sad. Kinda mournful. Regardless of the circumstances that brought about the divorce, it’s a death – the death of hope for a future together; the death of dreams dreamt and achieved together, of

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  17. anitvan says:

    Huh. Screwed that up somehow…
    Anyways…point is, though I can understand and support wanting to celebrate surviving the dissolution of a marriage, I just can’t bring myself to celebrate the dissolution itself. So sad to see dreams die…

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I think you and I think and feel the exact same on the subject. I knew what you meant up there. It’s that, exactly. So many things die in a divorce. And many of them are intangible things that only lived inside us.

      But they were real. And they hurt to lose.

      Like

  18. Erica says:

    I couldn’t agree more, and frankly, I’ve been devouring these “So you’re the weirdo that believes in that archaic institution” posts. Thank you for that. My parents we married just shy of thirty years before my mom passed away, both sets of my grandparents made it past fifty years. I don’t understand divorce. I wouldn’t even watch a tv show if I found myself thinking the guy was cute, that’s how much I respected and honored his feelings. Divorce is not a word in my vocabulary, I have hard time speaking or even typing It, it feels so alien. I have to learn, as I’m seeing the fall of an eleven year union. I can’t express my inability to understand the breaking of a sacred promise, I can’t grasp it. While I wasn’t perfect, I know it’s not my fault, my spouse was from a divorced home and never took it seriously. I read every book, read the wives manuals, and the husbands too to see both sides, but I know my ultimate fault was in my choice to marry him. How do you trust your own judgement about people moving forward? I am afraid for our son, I feel I was infected by this culture, but it’s he who will be affected.

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  19. Louis says:

    Matt…. I am sitting with tears near ready to fly….you are a good dude your moral fiber is like Kevlar….I also see from ,at least this installment, that your soul is wounded…I’m not your judge nor am I your ex wife’s judge….I haven’t heard her first person accounting of what led to your marital demise. That out there, I see you have begun a journey of self healing , emotional and maturity growth . You are clearly not the guy you describe in the beginning of your series but rather a warrior for common sense relative to loving relationships. Your advocacy of children rivals Elinor Roosevelt as the main focus of care and concern when the adults seemingly are failing them. We nearly divorced but fixed our issues but at the core of the course of the pending break up was how to shield , protect emotionally,lessen any social difficulties and just be on page for them. I feel terribly that you and your family are enduring this tragedy, if we had time machines available to us I think this blog would not exist. You have opened up new windows for those in these straits and have done so with character and honor…..If , as you say, your ex does read these blogs and posts I would like to offer her blessings for her own healing and for your son mostly. I really appreciate what you have opened up here…. I do disagree with some of the things you have written, I never believe that you should demean yourself,you may never have intended that or maybe I assumed something in your posts. The mere idea that you have begun this blog shows me that the character you had deep inside you was the part that was worth fighting for….sadly in this case there are no winners just the wounded and perhaps disabled. Keep the faith….part of my daily prayers since my near divorce have been a prayer for the estranged. You and your ex and son have been added to my intentions God hold you all

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