The Jesuit Standoff

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This might be a Jesuit Standoff about to happen. Photo by Neil Beckerman via Getty Images.

Pooping embarrasses me more than almost anything.

You might say I suffer from a super-minor form of parcopresis. It’s not full-blown psychogenic fecal retention. I’m physically able to defecate even in a worst-case scenario.

My mind is telling me “No.”

But my body… my body’s… telling me “Yes.”

I go to great lengths to avoid Matt-has-to-poop detection from others. The thinking seems to be that if they know I poop, they will think me smelly and disgusting and not like me.

“Hey Matt! Are you throwing a party for your birthday?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Maybe!?!? Why wouldn’t you?”

“What if people don’t come? That would be so embarrassing.”

“Why wouldn’t people come?”

“Well. I don’t know if you’ve heard. But, um. Sometimes I poop.”

“ … ”

“Don’t just stare at me. Say something!”

“Matt. Everybody poops.”

“No way.”

*Brain explodes*

Real-Time Poop Update

About mid-morning, I snuck off to poop in my office building. More often than not, the room is empty. This is good. Very good.

I saw a guy walk in before me. I gambled. I can sneak into a stall without being spotted.

Right when I walked in the room, a guy I know exited one of the stalls.

Boom.

Stealth mission: aborted.

I played it off like I only had to pee and made small talk about the weather with the guy who had recently finished pooping. Not one time during the conversation did I judge him for his biological tendencies. But my instinct was to pretend I wasn’t jealous of him.

I left and returned to my desk to sit in discomfort.

Sometimes, I will go to a separate floor. I know a bathroom in the building that is rarely used and if the likelihood of getting busted seems high in the nearest bathroom, I’ll retreat to that location.

This is not sane. I can’t explain it.

Why?

I don’t know.

I. Don’t. Know.

No one has ever poop-shamed me. At least not that I can remember. But I’ve always been REALLY shy about this. I don’t think any amount of reflection will find the root of this problem.

During the early years of my elementary school experience, the stalls in the boys bathroom didn’t have doors on them. I didn’t like that. It was weird for me to have people look at me while I was pooping. I was equally uncomfortable making eye contact with other poopers.

Maybe my own insecurities are why I made fun of The Dump Kid®.

So, to be sure, it’s NOT simply a phobia related to my desire for women to not think me gross and ugly.

But that is a really big factor.

“Please Don’t Go In There.”

I can’t even begin to tell you how bad my timing was.

What seems like an exceedingly high percentage of the time, my wife would need to go in the bathroom I had just used, or was currently occupying.

I hated this.

Some guys are the proud-to-fart types. I am not. I think it’s a tad disgusting. Every single fart let loose in the company of someone who wasn’t a gross guy friend or my son was done 100-percent by accident.

One of my biggest fears in my newly single life is that I’m going to end up spending the night with a girl after a long night of beer drinking. A bunch of draft beer works the opposite of Gas-X (Note to self: Stock up on that stuff.)

So, she wakes up in the morning to my bed head, looking my grossest, with eye boogers and bad breath, looking infinitely less sexy than she remembered from the low-light beer goggles at the bar or party or whatever the night before.

And I’m farting.

Good God.

The thought makes me shudder. I’m not kidding. I literally shuddered.

I didn’t think my wife needed any help thinking I was unattractive. I tried really hard not to be gross. I don’t know whether she appreciated that. Obviously, in the end, it proved somewhat irrelevant.

The Jesuit Standoff

I didn’t coin this amazing term. A guy who is a co-worker and friend said he coined it at his last job. And it’s so spectacular, I choose to roll with it.

The Jesuit Standoff is something that happens with two people suffering from quasi-parcopresis, like me.

You’re sitting side-by-side. You don’t know who the other person is. You can only see their shoes and the bottom of their pants.

Who will make the first move?

This is a two-stage standoff.

Stage One involves who will actually commit the act of pooping first. There are beautiful moments in the pooping experience where it can be done quickly and stealthily. These are blessings and I say a grateful prayer of thanks every time this happens.

Other times, it’s less graceful. Less covert to both the olfactory and auditory senses. Sometimes, biology wins the day. But if it can wait, the true parcopresis sufferer will wait until the coast is clear. And once in a while that means trying to outwait the guy next to you.

A standoff. A Jesuit Standoff.

Stage Two involves the great escape. This is the trickiest part of a stealth pooping mission. So much can go wrong during the cleaning, flushing, zipping and straightening-up process.

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Someone could walk in any second!

The reason this matters, is because I will NEVER intentionally leave a bathroom stall if there are other people in the room, unless circumstances (time) dictate that I must, or I’m in some super-weird place out of town with a bunch of strangers and don’t care because I’ll never see them again.

But if I did it here among familiar faces?

“Oh my God!!! There’s Matt exiting the stall!!! He pooped!!! He’s so gross!!! I’m going to send an email about this to everyone in the building!!!” they must always be thinking and plotting.

I don’t like it.

I don’t like people thinking I’m gross and smelly.

This happened a few days ago. A Jesuit Standoff. In my super-secret bathroom, of all places. It only took me about 10 minutes to realize the truth: This guy’s a pro. And he’s going to win.

One of my favorite moments that happens within the safe cocoon of the bathroom stall is when I hear people come into the bathroom, notice that all the stalls are full, and then just wash their hands as if they had only come into the bathroom for that reason. It makes me laugh every time.

The reason I know they’re doing this—this play-it-off-like-I-don’t-have-to-poop move—is because it’s EXACTLY what I do.

*facepalm*

How Not to Communicate

My social anxiety on this topic is highly irrational.

After all, you poop. Yes, YOU. *points and laughs* Gross person!

I kid.

When I really think about it, I submit this is the single weirdest thing I do. I’m almost 35 years old. And I insanely sneak around trying to pretend I never poop. It’s ridiculous.

I think we do this in our relationships, too.

I say that, because I did. And if I did, there’s a slight possibility that some of you do the same thing.

We keep silly secrets from those we love. Because we fear rejection with them in the same way we don’t want our friends and co-workers to know we’re pooping. Only the stakes are higher and our sex appeal is on the line.

There are things I didn’t tell my wife about. Things that, had I just been more upfront with her, I think might have made our lives better. But I was too scared.

Like a Jesuit Standoff.

Fear is such a worthless and debilitating emotion. But we all get scared, and that’s okay.

What’s NOT okay is hiding things from those we love—especially when irrational fear of rejection is involved.

We need to be honest and open about what’s inside of us if we want to share a life with someone. We can’t live in the shadows.

We need to live in the light. Walking hand in hand.

We need only be courageous enough to share more of ourselves. To be more vulnerable. To take a leap of faith. The following rejection or acceptance would tell you all you need to know about your relationship’s future, anyway.

What’s the future of our relationship? You and me.

You know… now that you know that I poop?

You probably think that I’m smelly and gross. And I’m sorry. I don’t want to be that.

But I’m taking a leap of faith.

That you and I can still have a next time despite this biological inconvenience.

Only one way to find out.

*PUBLISH*

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128 thoughts on “The Jesuit Standoff

  1. alienorajt says:

    Wonderful, Matt: I share your fabulously-named affliction – and have often, in the past, driven miles in order to find a remote toilet! A very funny, endearing and touchingly human post. Alienora

    Like

  2. oh my gosh – so gross! ick.

    Like

  3. that was one funny post … the likes of a Seinfeld episode.
    I’m newly single and have crohn’s-dreading that morning with said stranger, ha!

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Thank you. It’s so scary being vulnerable again with someone you weren’t already growing old with.

      Hopefully we’ve been granted the grace in our maturity to handle these things.

      And by “we’ve,” I really mean everyone who’s not me. Because I clearly have issues. :)

      Like

  4. I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t be laughing but I am!!

    My ex husband would never and I mean NEVER fart in front of me. Instead he would save it all up and then let rip in the privacy of the bathroom. The trouble with this was that I have paper thin walls and it always sounded like a series of small explosions going off in there.

    My daughter and I used to rib him something chronic for it :D

    Still, I appreciated his behaviour though. It was thoughtful.

    I’ve blogged about all sorts of embarrassing things on myself-including developing a pile.

    Do you think less of me for knowing that?!

    love ya ‘gross’ man ;)

    xx

    Like

  5. Yes!! I’m not alone in this. So here’s my thing:
    If I enter a bathroom and have to do the poop I will make sure the other stalls are not occupied. If they are I will hold the poop.

    If I am in the stall and someone has the nerve to enter the one next to me I get pissed. Like seriously, I am a man in here doing the poop. You have no right to enter this place while I make the poop.

    I either get up right away and make a quick exit or sit there extra long waiting for them to finish so I can continue making the poop.

    When and if someone does sit down in the next stall I plug my ears with my fingers so I don’t have to listen to their shame.

    Like

  6. I’m thinking we should collaborate on a new book entitled “Bathroom Strategies: Advanced Game Theory ” – you know, explain the topic in a way that everyone can understand! :)

    Like

  7. maggie says:

    I *WISH* my husband was like this! He’s the exact opposite…. he’s PROUD of his ability to not only have the bathroom declared a gas mask zone, but if it seeps out into the connected bedroom, or even further into the living room to gross out me and our four teenagers, more’s the better!
    Can I marry you instead? PLEASE????

    Like

    • Matt says:

      My first proposal!!!

      And it came on my post about pooping. This is heart-warming.

      Thank you for making me smile, Maggie. Here’s to matches, candles, Glade Plug-Ins and flowery sprays.

      Like

  8. There’s two kind of people: the people who have poop problems (I mean, GOTTA GO NOW poop problems) and the people who don’t have poop problems (oh, someone’s in here? OK–I’ll just come back later).

    Clearly you’re the latter. Consider it a blessing. But also realize that you’re in the less gross half of people which means you’re already ahead of the game. And then realize that the first group of people have totally accepted pooping and are sooo gross and they don’t care that you’re gross.

    This is a really strange comment for a really strange post.

    But yeah, poop + dating = probably the scariest part about being single so when you let go of that then you’re home free!

    I want to fart on your face.

    Like

  9. I have officially crossed over into the “ugly laugh.” This is hilarious. Everyone teases me because if people hang out with me long enough, the conversation ALWAYS devolves to poop. There is no greater common denominator. I could tell you some poop stories. We are so open about it, no one in the graham fam closes the door when they poop at home. true story. Behind-the-door is the dirtiest place in the house cuz we never see it.

    And yet – I absolutely get it. Here’s a tip I have perfected: if you think it’s gonna be “a lot on the ears,” flush simultaneously. It camouflages the sound, eliminates a large percentage of odor and multiple flushes are better for the plumbing anyway. Win-win-win!

    Like

  10. snrmomfirst says:

    I just shot Basil Pesto flavored hummus out of my nose. THAT is a smell I don’t want stuck in my nose for the rest of my life!

    Thank you for the laugh! :)

    P.s. As much as you put into this post…I’m fairly certain it cannot be considered juvenile!

    P.p.s. (I like adding letters) I love the return to intention at the end.

    Like

  11. tcooleyd says:

    HOW do you do that???????!!!!!!!!!!!!?????? OMG. The face that I made as I read this was the “PEE EWWWWWWWW!!!!” face, but then,- “communicate” came along . . . all of a sudden . . . all was well, and . . . .face was calm, and . . . what just happened?, what was that?! . . . and . . . you are a brilliant writer/mind!! Smh. Awesome.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      That was just a lame last-ditch effort to keep it from being a totally disgusting mental exercise!

      If it passes for brilliant also? Win-win!

      Seriously, thank you. I’m so glad you don’t think I’m a disgusting moron.

      Like

  12. April says:

    I’m sorry that you believe someone would think you are gross and smelly, but your post made me laugh, and I needed a good laugh! You know, those of us who are laughing all have poop anxiety.

    Like

  13. Aurora says:

    THIS IS PRICELESS:
    My mind is telling me “No.”

    But my body… my body’s… telling me “Yes.”

    hahahaha made me seriously laugh.

    But, you want to know a horrible secret about me? My husband told me that I fart in my sleep. Like a lot. There is nothing I can do about it. How embarrassing??
    *hides in shame* :( lol

    Like

  14. John says:

    I blogged about pooping at work last week and linked to a really funny video about it. If you want a good laugh, check it out:
    http://14stepcommute.wordpress.com/2014/02/21/rules-that-dont-apply/

    In my case, I work from home so these don’t really apply, but very funny.

    Like

  15. Twindaddy says:

    You’re braver than I am. I’ve blogged about a lot of quirky personal things, but this isn’t one of them. I’ll simply say…I completely understand.

    Like

  16. Oh My God so Funny, and so true!

    And yes, nice redirect at the end. I was laughing, then saying, “oh wait…oh yes, this.”

    Way to ease us into facing another layer of dating anxiety, even if was you just spraying air freshener or lighting a match to cover your post.

    Like

  17. autumnstrength says:

    Does anyone else create a sort of toilet paper trampoline for the poop to land on to avoid splashy noises and splash-back?!

    Like

    • Matt says:

      My cheeks hurt, this is so funny.

      1. No.
      2. The idea has a bit of merit IF you’re trying for a full-on covert experience.
      3. But NOT a trampoline!!! We don’t need bouncing! Then the Jesuit Standoffs would have otherwise-silent participants shouting involuntarily on the surprise rebounds.

      If you yell, you lose the standoff!

      Like

  18. The Howling Fantogs says:

    I am so with you on this one. Some things should be done in your own home behind closed doors (without that four inch gap under the door). The only thing worse than a PAW (pooh at work) is a PIP (pooh in pub). I do however know people who love the PAW. They like the idea of being paid to do that.

    I realise that this is the first comment I’ve made on your blog, and it is about poo. Hi by the way.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Ha! Hi. The only topic that might be more universal than human relationships, is human defecation! Totally cool.

      Thank you for weighing in. PIP. Brutal. I can only remember doing that once, ever.

      Scratch that one off the bucket list! *facepalm*

      Like

    • Muddletation says:

      Omg I roared when I read this…my first comment to someone else commenting is about poo, so there you go.

      Like

  19. Loved this. I too have a fear of public pooping in the presence of people I know. This made me laugh and think about our office pooper. In our old office building we had a stealthy pooper. Never found out who it was – they were like Jedi poopers – “This is not the pooper you are looking for”. Evasive, leaving just the odour behind.

    In reality I think it probably was everyone, but no one would own up to it.

    It was ridiculous. With the entire office on the look out for the pooper, I did learn from a co-worker that the best way not to get caught was to do a quick flush as soon as possible, or multiple if necessary. This keeps down the odour if you flush as soon as the “bomb drops” so to speak. (I can’t believe I am writing this)

    lol, love your posts.
    Tania

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I feel like the multi-flush tactic is a total giveaway for females! And a bit tedious. I don’t know.

      Thank you so much for sharing your tales. I really appreciate so many people being a good sport about something I consider so awkward and embarrassing.

      Like

  20. As a woman I was raised not to make any sounds of this kind.
    I feel sure, that this was one place, where your x did appreciated your behaviour.
    Many don’t even close the door, which I don’t like.
    Irene

    Like

  21. Two decades ago and three years into a very significant relationship was when I first passed any type of *whispers* flatulence. He said, “Wow, I never thought you ever farted.” It certainly wasn’t intentional. I blamed the Mexican food.

    I was always poop-paranoid. Always. It took an act of God before I would defecate in a public restroom.

    I felt so much anxiety about it, that when I was in labor with my son I tried to verbalize a specific fear I had with the nurse. She did not understand what I was so desperately trying to say. It took my husband to say it in laymen’s terms: She’s afraid of pooping on the table.

    Yeah, he said exactly that. I was mortified. That was when I was introduced to the ever-so deceiving enema. To say that I was naive is putting it nicely. I agreed to the enema. Anything to not have to worry about pooping on the table while giving birth to a baby. Even typing that felt weird. Pushing out a beautiful baby while pushing out poop? They do not go together like salt and pepper. Oil and vinegar. Black and white. You get my drift.

    So I had my very first enema. It felt like someone just did the granddaddy of all raspberries on my anus. I think my eyes bugged out farther than Wile E. Coyote’s did at having an anvil dropped on his noggin’. The nurse administered the evil procedure then told me to “hold it for two minutes” and went on her merry way. As soon as the door shut, I threw off the sheet and made for the connected bathroom. I had forgotten I was hooked up to an I.V. and machines. At this point I was frantically trying to pull the whole, damn hospital bed – complete with all the machines – into the bathroom with me. Hold it for two minutes?! Not even if they duct taped my butt cheeks together was that going to happen.

    I made it out of sheer desperation. Your golden shower reference in the comments above would have been pretty compared to what an enema makes one involuntarily do. The brown lining (yes I said brown) is that it has cured me (75%) of the dread of eliminating my bowels in a public restroom. So go ahead – try the enema cure.

    Enough said.

    ~ Darling
    (Was that TMI?)

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Oh man.

      1. I have zero idea how I missed this comment, but I’m very sorry.
      2. Because the image of you in labor pulling your IV drip and heart rate machines to the bathroom in a mad panic? That’s a made for on-screen comedy scene.

      I’m so sorry I’m laughing at you. Hopefully, it’s with you.

      And yes. You said “brown lining.” Which was outstanding.

      Thank you for sharing this very personal, yet very funny and relevant story with us. I appreciate it very much.

      Like

  22. knace says:

    I had no idea there was an actual word for my neurotic behavior!(What, besides stupid?! my husband said when I quoted from your post. He is one of those proud public poopers. He says Marines will even go get another marine to come see a poo they are particularly proud of- which is BEYOND gross, in my opinion) And so wonderful to know that I am not alone. It is only in the past year or two after working back to back sixteen hour shifts at work that I can bring myself to poop there. I guess after seven years, it finally feels like “my” bathroom. Thank God.
    The poop trampoline comment from autumnstrength…. brilliance!….I learn so much from your blog!

    Like

  23. jessiesgirl says:

    This is hilarious and I share the affliction. It has to be a full-on emergency for me to poop in public…especially at work. I feel sorry for guys because you have to make a choice when you enter the bathroom, which makes your intentions obvious — urinal means #1, stall means #2. It’s presumably easier for girls who use the stall for everything. Folks around here are big fans of using the fake cough to cover up the plop noise. We also work in a LEED certified “green” building with toilets designed to conserve water…that means we need to flush multiple times just to get pee and toilet paper to go down. While it defeats the purpose of conserving water, it does make multiple flushes to hide pooping activities seem perfectly normal!

    Like

  24. Struggling to contain my laughter so that none of my employees are driving to ask why I am rolling on the floor in hysterics!

    I am well acquainted with your “affliction,” but I have to say I have never understood it. My ex would go to herculean lengths to “hold it” until he got home. Personally, I have always been of the view that everybody poops, so why on early would anyone think it problematic to encounter someone pooping in a public washroom (is that not, after all why we HAVE public washrooms???)

    Sorry for my atrocious lack of empathy :)

    Like

  25. Hahah! It’s refreshing to read a man’s take on pooping. My boyfriend and I are the same way but neither one of us has made the first move yet.

    The standoff continues.

    Like

  26. mewhoami says:

    Reading this while eating my yogurt was very bad timing. Aside from that, ewww Matt! I can’t believe you’re human! :)

    I commend you for not being the typical male, especially in front of the opposite sex. Men can be absolutely vile when it comes to their own bodily amusement. There’s nothing attractive about a man who purposely plays ‘drums’ and adds fragrances to an area. However, the actual deed is natural for everyone. Well, minus me of course. Women don’t do that. haha. For having such a phobia, you wrote this quite openly.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Because I’m fully accustomed to writing as honestly as possible about subjects I would NEVER broach with people I know in real life, face-to-face.

      I can’t begin to tell you how awkward it is when I’m out having drinks with people, and they’ll ask me about something they only knew from reading one of my posts, and my face flushes because I sort of forget they know about it.

      It’s a surreal experience.

      On the bright side, it’s helping me be less shy in real life. I think, in time, I will behave like a much braver person on account of the stories I choose to tell here.

      At least, I hope so. :) Good to hear from you.

      Like

      • mewhoami says:

        I appreciate your honesty. After all, your honesty is the reason that brought me here to begin with.

        I can imagine how awkward that would be, especially with this post. The thoughts that will be going through your mind next time you go out with them, will be very interesting for sure.

        It’s good that it’s helping you to be less shy. It’s kind of hard to stay shy when you’re putting your most inner thoughts and fears out there for the world to see.

        Like

  27. Hannah says:

    I feel you. I once went a whole weekend camping without pooping because the only outhouse available was 10 feet from the fire ring and everyone watched you going in. It was a miserable time. I’m unsure how I survived a year of living in a dorm building with communal bathrooms to be honest.

    On a brighter note, I’m really glad that there are actually guys that exist that do NOT take pleasure in firing out farts and grinning like they expect praise afterwards. As long as I can remember, my father has taken great pleasure in sharing his gas-y experiences with the rest of the family and I’ve always been completely disgusted by it. I’ve often thought that it was a guy thing and I was going to be subjected to it for the rest of my life. Thank God there is hope.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      The longer I live, the more I realize I’m a bit atypical in some of these areas.

      I’m jealous of guys that don’t have all of these same insecurities. They must live a charmed existence.

      GREAT story about the outhouse by the fire ring! That’s very funny. I totally get it.

      Like

  28. Aamiene says:

    OMG this is so me! I never go to a public bathroom if I can help it. In fact, over the years, I have perfected ‘holding on’ to a point where I’m told i’ll probably have problems in the future. So be it. I’m pretty open and can talk about anything, but going to the bathroom in public is outside my comfort zone big time. Totally understand where you’re coming from Matt.

    Have a wonderful day :)

    Like

  29. Chris says:

    Hilarious post. I worked in a big building years ago so there were plenty of facilities to choose from, each with its own pros and cons depending on the time of day. It was an art form really.

    You didn’t mention it but every once in a while you’d get that guy that essentially matched you move for move to the point where you exit the stalls at the same time. I always thought that was in bad taste, like I wanted to ask the guy if we should go pick out china patterns after we’re done washing our hands.

    Now I work from home and we have two toddlers so going to the bathroom is pretty much a big deal, at least with the younger set. I’m forty and married and pretty much don’t care anymore. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Now onto a different topic…

    Like

  30. Silverleaf says:

    Popular post! See; you’re totally not alone. My husband and I were just discussing this very same irrational yet overpowering fear of mine today. Which meant I had this problem the whole day. Glad to read similar experiences here :) Is there a cure?

    Like

  31. nights7 says:

    I just laughed so hard ,,..until you got all serious and relevant at the end there. This is probably the funniest poop story/joke/reference I’ve heard in a while and I have four boys so that’s really saying something.
    Thanks for a much needed laugh.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Sorry for the serious part!

      Like

      • nights7 says:

        Yeah, no more of that…jk.
        Also, why a Jesuit standoff? Is it random or are Jesuits relevant to standoffs somehow? Are they better at them or something? I don’t know why but I’ve been curious about that since I read this.

        Like

        • Matt says:

          I never asked or did any homework on the matter. I think it’s random. I will try to get back to you on this. :)

          Like

          • nights7 says:

            Maybe a Google search containing “Jesuit” & “standoff” might be in order.

            Like

            • Matt says:

              These things take time! Don’t rush it with modern technology and resources. A standoff, by it’s very nature, is a slow-moving thing.

              Like

              • nights7 says:

                All things worth doing are worth doing later. I do think there is some merit to that, building anticipation and whatnot.

                Like

                • Matt says:

                  I still haven’t asked him. Maybe later! :)

                  Like

                  • nights7 says:

                    I did Google Jesuit + standoff. Only your blog came up. Then I did a little reading about the history of the Jesuits. They played an important role in the Counter Reformation of the Catholic church and are credited with setting the high standards of education for clergy. The Jesuits wandered about starting universities and evangelized the Americas.
                    I didn’t find anything overtly related to standoffs but it was interesting to read about. Maybe your friend went to a Jesuit college or something.

                    Like

                    • Matt says:

                      He didn’t. He listens to VERY scary music and disapproves of my Catholicism.

                      There are some conspiracy theories related to the Jesuits. Dan Brown/Knights Templar kind-of stuff. If you read through the conspiracy stuff, you can almost, maybe, kind-of make a connection.

                      You will probably not find a link to bathroom-related stuff, though. :)

                      Like

                    • nights7 says:

                      I haven’t heard of any conspiracy theories about the Jesuits but it doesn’t surprise me that there are some. Any group that’s been around that long is bound to have just a few. My dad is kind of a fan of conspiracy theories but not ones about the church. He’s more into Free Mason or government conspiracy theories.
                      There doesn’t have to be a connection, I can appreciate randomness.

                      Like

                    • Matt says:

                      I excel at random.

                      Like

                  • nights7 says:

                    I’m at work & a little bit bored right now so I had some time to kill.

                    Like

  32. goldenrox says:

    Omigoodness, tears are running down my face!!! I haven’t laughed this hard all day, and I have laughed quite a bit today!! My dad and my hubby are as you described, but myself and the rest of my family, gosh we talk poop all the time. As much as you try to be private, like at work, or in the mall, when you really, really have to go and how embarrassed we feel about it, at the end of the day, we all poop!! I care a lot less now than when I was younger. And Lord knows, my older siblings care even less. HAHAHA.

    “We need to be honest and open about what’s inside of us if we want to share a life with someone.” Yup, a lot of poop!!

    “We can’t live in the shadows.” Seriously, I’m not waiting for someone to exit the next stall over!! (Though I must admit to playing the wait-it-out game to see who leaves first)

    “We need to live in the light. Walking hand in hand.” After washing hands for at least twenty seconds with soap and water. Seriously. Otherwise you will see the dark, maybe even stars, if you try to touch me with your nasty-a** hands!!

    Great post yet again, your blog is a treat to read!

    Like

  33. khushnumab says:

    Only you could write this .. :)

    Like

  34. Brian Snyder says:

    Matt, I am never going to stop reading your blog, and this post is the reason for it. Thank you.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Thank you very much, Brian! When I first read your comment, I didn’t see the word “never” and thought you’d just publicly vowed to never read again! That would have been a first!

      I’m quite relieved you were not offended and forever turned off by the Jesuit Standoff!

      Like

  35. Sandy Sue says:

    Oh, God! I laughed so hard at this it made me fart. Sorry.

    A friend of mine twigged me onto “The Courtesy Flush.” It’s a premature flush to eliminate the offending offal before one is actually done with business. It does take care of some of those tell-tale biologicals.

    Yes, it is a shame that we are *all* gross and smelly at times. When I was married, we had an open-bathroom-door policy. It’s one of the many things I regret. Honesty and transparency in a relationship is a very good thing, but there can be TMI. Next time (if I’m so lucky), I want to keep a little mystery.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Yes. A nice way to put it, I think. A little mystery! I’m so relieved to learn that everyone else goes to the bathroom, too.

      I suspected it was true, but had never confirmed.

      Like

  36. Dawn says:

    Poop. Haha.
    My ex was so NOT afraid of it, he would often leave it for me to flush for him. I’m still not sure to this day if was intentional or not…but who forget’s to flush that?
    At one point last year a gentleman and I discussed a weekend away together. The first thing that came to my mind was “what if I have to poop??” The thought of not being “able” too for two days was painful to think about. Fortunately (??) we never did take that weekend away.

    Like

  37. weavergrace says:

    I find it very funny to read this after reading your latest post about being a shitty husband. As in, not letting it out, not expressing yourself…too Freudian? Sorry. I know what self-inflicted constipation is like. You would think that changing diapers would have made me realize that birds do it, bees do it…

    Like

  38. I haven’t read through your comments, so I’m not sure if anyone posted this:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everybody_Poops

    Everyone poops.

    My body is strange. It goes into “hibernation mode” if I’m going somewhere for a while, a public place especially, and my worry is lessened. However, our bodies can only take/resist so much.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Everybody does, indeed, poop.

      I’m going to look into this “hibernation mode” you speak of.

      (It doesn’t affect me much in social situations! Typically just work, or if I’m a houseguest, or have some at my place.)

      Like

  39. thatnavaword says:

    lol this is hilarious. good one Matt. It’s like me and farting. i just cant. not in public. My bum swallows the fart right back up and then i have cramps. A boyfriends family used to think i suffered from severe stomach cramps.Meantime the cheeks simply had stage fright

    Like

  40. My 10 yr old daughter used to have this problem. She got over it. ;) Thanks – I’ve been on hold with Verizon the whole time I was reading this (still am) it made being on “hold” bearable. Bless you. Poop on!

    Like

  41. Muddletation says:

    Ok that was freaking hilarious. And honest. And I just had to pop on here to validate that the poo trampoline is not, I repeat, NOT a myth…it works. And with a well-timed courtesy flush, you’ll be golden. Seriously. What an incredibly robust series of comments…aren’t you just dying laughing over there?! (P.S. Have been meaning to ask you how your Mee-Maw is doing…I did tell my Dad I loved him…and he is doing better!)

    Like

    • Matt says:

      My grandmother is improving! She’s home from the hospital, hopefully to stay. :) Thank you for asking.

      And yes. This was a funny series of comments. And generated some good discussion among the few people I know in real life who read this stuff.

      Have a great weekend!

      Like

  42. Ha, this happens a lot. Everyone seems so awkward about this, but everyone has to use the bathroom, everyone! You could use a full bathroom to your advantage (no-one really knows who was there unless they see). Nobody will reject you for being human. Glad to hear your Grandmother is getting better too. Yay.

    Like

  43. deborahtd says:

    This is great. I’ve been there, and I’ve tried hard to be less concerned. My office has 6 women and 4 men, and had segregated washrooms until very recently. The loos were recently made unisex, which is kind of the nastiest thing every NOT since I think I deserve my own bathroom but because it has taken years to deal with the fan-less ladies’ room, knowing my colleague/lady friends would have to use the room after me. Now the GUYS will too… and sadly I will have to use the washroom after some of them sometimes too. This is an ad I saw recently and it nearly knocked me off my chair. Funniest thing, and it IS a real thing…
    http://www.poopourri.com I recommend you watch the video… you won’t regret it. You might even order some and let us know if it alleviates your stress any. Maybe they’d offer you an endorsement contract? Cheers Matt, and thanks once again for being a beacon of…. well, identifiable comic humanity?

    Like

    • Matt says:

      Identifiable comic humanity!?!? That’s like the perfect descriptor for what I’m sometimes trying to do. :)

      Good luck with the bathroom thing. That would make me cringe!

      Like

  44. […] to see what happens once people in my personal life find out that I publish bad words, have a bit of a pooping complex, write about sex and that I’m going to be no good to anyone in a post-apocalyptic […]

    Like

  45. […] that everybody poops?” a curious person types into Google and is no doubt delighted to discover The Jesuit Standoff—the art of two people trying to out-wait one another in a public bathroom as to avoid […]

    Like

  46. ffirestine says:

    I found this post while I was looking for a bathroom stall picture. :-) I knew a girl in high school who apparently could not use the bathroom without the sound of running water. We found out about this on a group trip where only port-a-potties were available.

    Like

  47. […] from evoking troubling images of Jesuit standoffs and triggering my (somewhat exaggerated, but totally real) bathroom-related phobias, it translates […]

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