The Worst Cat in the World

This is not my cat, as far as I know. But it looks just like him. Just like that very bad cat.

This is not my cat, as far as I know. But it looks just like him. Just like that very bad cat.

I have a very bad cat.

His name is Eli.

He lives in the unfinished half of my basement, and I don’t let him out much.

Because he pees.

He’s a pee-er.

A cat who pees.

All over the house. It’s maddening. And gross. So, he doesn’t get the run of the house anymore.

He’s very naughty.

And I’m the only person he loves in the world. So, I can’t give him to anyone.

Because he’ll just swat at them and hiss.

He is a very, very bad cat.

But he’s my cat. And he’s super cute when he’s not going “Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”

Eli is not a good boy.

He’s not.

But he’s also not the worst cat in the world.

Disney’s Biggest Mistake, Ever (Including Aladdin 2: Return of Jafar)

Pete.

Sneaky Pete.

Peg-Leg Pete.

He goes by so many names. But I don’t care what you call him, so long as you acknowledge the truth.

Pete is the WORST CAT EVER.

Pete "the cat." Worst. Cat. Ever. Image courtesy of Disney.

Pete “the cat.” Worst. Cat. Ever. Image courtesy of Disney.

He’s terrible.

He’s a big, fat, mean idiot. And in the spirit of Safer Internet Day, which is supposed to help reduce the digital bullying quotient for 24 hours, I guess, this seems like a good time to shed light on what an asshole Pete “the cat” really is.

After some exhaustive research, which primarily (okay, only) involved looking at the Disney character’s Wikipedia page, I discovered that Pete “the cat” is Disney’s oldest character.

So, let’s all give Disney a huge round of applause for becoming the gold standard in creating magic for children, despite such a huge misstep right from the get-go.

Pete “the cat” was created in 1925. People who think he actually looks like a cat *COUGHAUSSACOUGH* will be very surprised to learn (if Wikipedia is correct—and isn’t it ALWAYS!?!?) that Pete “the cat” was originally designed as a bear.

Pete “the bear” makes sense. Because he’s a big, fat, mean idiot.

But after Mickey Mouse was created in 1928, the folks at Disney (perhaps Walt, himself) decided to make Pete a “cat” in order to be a more sensible villain for Mickey.

I noticed just how much Pete sucked a few years ago when my son started watching Disney Junior’s Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Only parents of young children will be able to appreciate this total mockery of educational programming.

In every episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, the gang of Disney characters we all know and love (Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy, Goofy, Pluto, etc.) discover a problem.

They have a little friend named Toodles. Toodles is a handy robot toolbox that will show up with four tools to help the gang solve problems. The idea is to help young children troubleshoot when they have a problem to solve.

I get it.

And it’s a good lesson.

Except in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, they teach the children horrible and dangerous lessons.

I wish I’d been smart enough to write down all the instances of this, because I’m totally going off memory here.

My favorite example is the episode where the group has lost a bunch of sheep. They spend the entire half-hour show hunting for all of them.

Inside a storage facility, one of the lost sheep found its way into a cardboard box on a very high shelf.

Nevermind how it got there. Mickey & Co. need to get it down!

“Oh, Toooooooodles!!!!” everyone yells in unison to summon their little robot friend with the solution to their problem.

Remember—the goal here is to teach pre-school aged kids how to solve problems.

I don’t remember what the tool options were to reach this very high shelf to pull down the box with a sheep that very likely weighed at least 25 pounds.

But I remember what wasn’t there.

Something sensible like a functioning staircase. Or a sturdy ladder.

You know what the right tool was for the job, according to these show creators, who apparently want children and sheep to fall and hurt themselves?

A trampoline.

One of the characters—maybe Donald, who’s just bad-ass enough to pull this off sans pants—jumped eight feet in the air to retrieve a box with a live, heavy sheep in it.

Remember when all those kids were dying on rides at Disney World six or seven years ago?

I’m not one for conspiracy theories. But it’s totally possible that Disney wants to kill children.

But I don’t want to believe it. Because I love Disney. And Disney World.

True story.

Sometimes, during a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode, Mickey & Co. will be on a journey. Following a path to a place they must get to in order to solve the problem of the day.

And you know what that sick bastard Pete “the cat” does?

He tries to muddle their plans like a big, fat, mean idiot.

Typically, they’ll all be walking along a trail and that’s when they’ll come upon a stand that Pete will have built in the middle of the trail.

And that’s when Pete will hustle them for a toll.

They don’t have money in Mickey’s world.

But they usually have something even more valuable like beans or marbles.

Pete: “Where do you think you’re going Mickey the Mouse?”

Mickey: (Totally good-natured, and not pissed and annoyed like me.) “Hey-ya Pete! We’re on a very important mission to save a cancer patient’s life or get food for a starving child or find Pluto’s lost rubber ball!”

Pete: “Well, that will be six beans.”

I would have told Pete to eat the biggest piece of shit in the forest and walked my group right around him. There is strength in numbers, even when dealing with a gargantuan menace like Pete. But Mickey is a pacifist.

Mickey: “Golly gee, Pete. I’m not sure we have six beans!”

And then all the characters empty their pockets. Inevitably, Goofy has some extra beans in his smelly boot or stored in his hat. And then we all practice counting the beans together for that no-good Pete “the cat.”

“1-2-3-4-5 and 6! We counted six beans! Great job, everybody!” Mickey says.

Then they just hand the beans over to Pete, without even bitching about the totally unfair tax.

The result?

1. The group loses a very important source of protein.

2. Pete gets away with bullying and isn’t in any way punished for slowing down the important mission.

3. Your children don’t learn how to problem-solve OR stand up to bullies.

Teach Your Kids What Pete Really Is

Pretty please.

I asked my five-year-old this morning: “Who is the worst Disney character in the world?”

He didn’t even hesitate.

“Pete,” he said.

I gave him a high-five.

“Yep. Pete. He’s a big, fat, stupid idiot,” I said.

He just looked at me without smiling because he’s not supposed to talk like that or call people names.

Pete “the cat” is a very bad character. Creatively, and in terms of his behavior.

We owe it to our children to protect them from his horribleness.

Fortunately, my son has mostly outgrown Disney Junior shows. Now, we’re watching really responsible shows for older children that involve fighting and behavior much more cruel than Pete hustling for beans.

But at least I’m less pissed.

And you can be, too.

I’m going to go home tonight and pet that very bad cat named Eli.

I’ll scratch his head and he’ll meow, meow, meow.

If I let him out, he’ll probably pee on something.

Because he’s a very bad cat.

Because he pees.

He’s a pee-er.

A cat who pees.

But he doesn’t look like a bear.

He looks like a cat.

A cute one.

And his name’s not Pete.

Ensuring he’s not the worst cat in the world.

But he’s close.

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51 thoughts on “The Worst Cat in the World

  1. Tritrigirl says:

    Pete is a cat? I always thought he was some sort of dog…there’s a Goofy Christmas episode where Goofy and Pete are neighbors (not that cats and dogs can’t be neighbors) but I always thought he was a dog. Hunh. :-)

    Like

  2. kyliejlowe says:

    Haha. :) I’ve watched a lot of that show with my little cousin…she loves it. My cousins (her parents) make fun of it all the time. For instance, if my little cousin is sick, they will talk about what “Mouseketool” they should use. :P

    Like

  3. Twindaddy says:

    That show irritates me…

    For the longest time my Baby C would holler for Toodles if he was unable to do something. Surprisingly, Toodles never came. I’m not sure what lesson he learned from that.

    Like

  4. littlekeiko says:

    “Shake shake shake your peanuts.. baby elephant, come out and play”

    Been through the years of watching Mickey Mouse clubhouse and I never ever suspected that Pete was a cat? Seriously? Pete makes a terrible cat and yeah he is a big bad bully.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I’m so excited about this.

      Years of watching Pete and people having no idea what he is.

      Thank you for the note!

      Like

    • anonymous says:

      Personally, I prefer that Pete to all of his other versions because he’s much friendlier there. Besides, I have a hatred for jerks and people who support them.

      Like

  5. jannan14 says:

    I’m so glad that my mother and I are not the only ones that thought this about Pete the “Cat.” My 6-year-old son knew years ago that Pete was not being nice to Mickey and his friends, and I’ve been trying to teach my 3-year-old daughter the same thing.
    I’ve never really liked Pete the Cat… He’s always been mean and manipulative – and then whines and cries when he doesn’t get an invitation to a party at Mickey’s Clubhouse.

    And littlekeiko – that was one of the most disturbing episodes I’ve ever seen.

    Like

  6. knace says:

    I think it’s some kind of abomination (my dog’s choice of word, not mine =)) cat/dog hybrid. The ears seem to be cat ears, but from the eyes down, it appears to be a dog. That is definitely NOT a cat nose. I’ve missed out on Pete because we’ve always been too cheap to pay for anything but the “no-frills-way-to-bitterly- disappoint-your -children” cable tv package which doesn’t include the Disney Channel. Which is maybe a good thing. =)
    Aw. Give your bad kitty a scratch behind the ears for me.

    Like

  7. That’s what it is supposed to be! … A cat, huh? … You never stop learning. ;)

    Like

  8. RR says:

    Poor Eli – he needs some kitty cuddles ;)
    I am glad he is not Pete. Pete is bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.
    That particular show is annoying. And, I second the safety concerns (especially in the sheep episode!), the unnecessary reliance on TOODLES and that Donald is pretty bad-ass for a sans pants duck!
    I cannot help my quiet happiness as we exit the Disney Junior era in our home.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      I know the feeling. You don’t want your children to grow too fast. EXCEPT for how desperately you want them to consume legitimately entertaining media.

      I can’t wait for my son to like the same stuff I do.

      That’s going to rule.

      Like

  9. Oh how I hated Pete. He was an abomination. Apparently he still is…

    Like

  10. Cynthia says:

    Matt, when was the last time your cat had a checkup at the vet? One of my cats had a series of infections towards the end of his life, and he would pee on my stuff to tell me he was sick.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      It’s possible I’m just REALLY dumb.

      But I don’t think there’s any way that’s what’s going on. Unless it’s feline mental illness, of course. That’s totally possible.

      It’s more like: “Oooohhhhhhh, I’m out! Freeeeeeeeeeee!!!! How many of my favorite places can I piss in before I get locked back up!!?!?!?!?!?!? Reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!” *swat, swat* “Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

      Pretty much just like that.

      Like

  11. Actually cats do sometimes develop psychological problems that result in that odious behavior, and a good vet should be able to give you some suggestions on how to retrain your wee kitty. It can be done.

    Mind you, my experience suggest that all cats are (mine included) are slightly evil, so maybe it’s just that. I personally believe that the cuteness of cats is an evolutionary adaptation that enables them to get away with behaviour we would not tolerate in a more homely species!

    Like

  12. rumpydog says:

    If your cat is not neutered, that may be why he’s peeing. Toms mark their territory. Or he could be stressed. Might want to talk to a vet about that.

    Like

  13. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Pete before, but now I’m going to have nightmares. He is TERRIFYING.

    Why are children’s shows teaching kids these strange lessons? I had to teach my nephew, after watching “Ni Hao, Kai-Lan,” that if any of his friends ever acted as douchey as Ho Ho the monkey, the correct behavior WASN’T to treat him with kindness, but to stop asking him to come over and hang out altogether. (I’ve never seen Pete, but in my world? Ho Ho the monkey can eat the biggest piece of shit in the forest, that whiny waste of space.)

    Mostly my nephew was just confused, but then again, he was only two at the time.

    Like

  14. Deepa says:

    Funny Post! Pete sounds like a piece of work.
    On a serious note, if your cat is peeing everywhere despite being neutered (I assume he is) then he probably has mental health issues. Really. Not sure if you have feliway in the US, but have a chat to his vet about it. There are also behavior modification drugs you can try.

    Like

  15. I miss my kids being little..at times. However, this post reminds me of the horrors of Barney and then I’m not so sad that they are teen and twenty know it alls because I don’t have to hear that disgusting “Baby Bop” . Her mission seemed to be to make it clear to baby girls that they have to act stupid and cute and they better learn early…because that’s what big boss Barney wants. Think I still hold a grudge? I hate Barney.

    Like

    • Matt says:

      You know, it’s funny.

      Pete is the worst cat, ever.

      But Mickey Mouse Clubhouse has never, and will never be, as terrible as Barney.

      Like

      • When my husband and I first had children we swore that OUR kids would NEVER EVER watch “weird” kids shows…Barney, Teletubbies…stuff like that. What were our firstborn’s very very favorite shows? Barney…teletubbies…stuff like that. We hung our heads in shame as he danced around the house singing about Tinky-winky and Po. You haven’t known torture until you’ve sat through about 2 hours of such nonsense. I still haven’t recovered and the boy is almost 15 lol

        Like

  16. Just wondering if you’ve had your kitty checked over by the vet. One of our cats, Biscuit was doing the same and it turned out he has Feline Lower Urinary Disease, kind of the kitty equivalent to kidney stones. Now he is an inside cat on medication, but the house smells much better:) He’s happier too.

    Like

  17. Aussa Lorens says:

    Waaaaait one second! With all this coughing condemnation! This is a classic case of mistaken identity! I vaguely recognize this guy (and have a trembly sense of fear) but that’s NOT who came up when I googled Pete The Cat that day!
    Hold on:

    https://www.google.com/search?q=pete+the+cat&espv=210&es_sm=91&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=ZgMAU_jKIajcyQGR0oCoAw&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1156&bih=617

    SEE!!!!!! It’s totally a cat looking thing!

    Also, I love that you continue to care for a cat no one else will love. But does he ever get any sunshine?

    Like

    • Matt says:

      That Pete the Cat does look very cat-like. And I’d totally give you a pass on this IF we hadn’t made specific Disney references, including ripping on “Return of Jafar.” *shudder*

      I just wanted to make sure you say the little jab. Perhaps I need to remove my coughing condemnation now that you never thought big, fat, stupid Pete actually looked like a cat.

      As for my little dude, Eli gets a little sunshine once in a while. But not nearly as much as a regular cat who doesn’t pee everywhere. :)

      Like

  18. My cat is a dick, too. That “reeeeaaaarrrrrr” is exactly what I hear all night long. He wants to be let in the house, and let out of the house. He’s not a pee-er, he’s a scratcher. The trim to the main door, he’s scratched the shit out of it. So deep. I’m going to have to replace that before I move out, there’s no way I could fix it in any way. It is infuriating that they’re so cute when they’re not being assholes. Damn, cats. Such adorable little fuckers.

    Like

  19. anonymous says:

    I’m not very fond of that Pete, who I doubt is a cat, due to how much of a jerk he was, especially to his son, PJ, who I can relate to due to my being picked on a lot by my dad.

    But the thing I hate most about Pete is how he portrayed the Ghost of Christmas Future in Mickey’s Christmas Carol. Because of what he did in there, he made me want to blow his head off. Same thing goes for his portrayal in Disney’s The Prince and the Pauper.

    Like

  20. Lou says:

    I hate Pete the cat!

    Like

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