My grandmother is almost 80 years old.
She is the sweetest, kindest human being who has ever existed. Anyone who says differently is a dirty liar or possibly just someone who hasn’t met her.
She has 18 grandchildren, 19 if you count my son. I am the oldest. And possibly the awesome-ist.
It is of the utmost importance that my grandmother never read my writing. She thinks I’m an angel. Which makes sense because I’m always on my best behavior in her presence.
My grandmother loves Jesus. She prays and prays and prays for every single person she knows and even all the people she doesn’t. All she wants—ever—is the very best for every single person in the world.
While I’ve never seen her act particularly judgmental, she certainly exists in the upper echelon of conservative behavior.
Which is why I was so shocked to learn she has the hots for Liam Neeson.
My grandma was sleeping peacefully in the hospital following a procedure that a better grandson would be able to name. And had this next part not happened, maybe I would remember:
Grandma woke up. My grandfather at her side—her husband of 55 years and counting.
She looked to her left where one of her daughters was standing—my aunt—and said: “Oh my. Liam Neeson will be here any minute and I haven’t even done my hair.”
I know what you’re thinking: “Matt. That doesn’t seem very scandalous.”
I need you to trust me on this. My grandmother saying THAT is the equivalent of a normal person saying: “I need Liam Neeson to violate me right this second. Hard.”
So I got to thinking: My grandma doesn’t really like Liam Neeson. She’s never met him before! I don’t think. Who she actually likes are Liam Neeson’s movie characters.
Which begs the question: What would those Grandma-and-Liam-Neeson-Movie-Character relationships look like?
I’ve maybe seen a dozen Liam Neeson movies.
I STILL haven’t seen Schindler’s List. I know. It’s embarrassing. Back when I used to smoke pot, I once got high and sat down to watch it. Then some freaky candles showed up on the screen in the opening scene. It weirded me out so I shut it off and watched a comedy.
Some of the Candidates to Fulfill My Grandmother’s Liam Neeson Fantasy
Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace
Qui-Gon is the man responsible for the Jedi training of Obi-Wan Kenobi, and to a lesser extent, pre-Darth Vader Anakin Skywalker.
I like this idea. Qui-Gon and Grandma. I’d get to eat freshly baked cookies AND do lightsaber training during my visits.
Qui-Gon would never scream at my grandmother: “Hey! Bring me a beer!,” because he could use the Force to float it right to his armchair.
Jedi knights take vows of celibacy. Which means my grandmother would not be having sexual relations with, potentially, the worst Jedi—ever.
Bryan Mills is a retired U.S. spy. A badass. If you kidnap people in his family, he will straight-up kill you. I like the idea of Grandma being safe from international kidnappers looking to sell 80-year-old women to the black market sex trade.
We’d meet next time I go visit my grandparents. I’d be pissed that Bryan won my grandmother’s affections over my awesome grandfather.
“Hey Mills! I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want,” I’d say. “But I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.
“If you leave my grandmother alone now, that will be the end of it. I will not come after you. But if you don’t. I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”
“Heh. Just kidding, Bryan. I mean, Grandpa Bryan!”
Henri Ducard/Ra’s Al Ghul
Another tough guy. This is the man who taught Bruce Wayne the skills needed to succeed as the Caped Crusader.
He is an evil man.
And my grandmother is a saint.
And they say opposites attract.
So I can totally see this happening.
Clash of the Titans
He overthrew his own father. He throws thunderbolts at anyone who pisses him off. Ruler of Mt. Olympus. Brother of Hades and Poseidon (who might have got the big-boy job over Zeus had he not had such a laughably small penis). And is legendary for his many affairs.
Yeah. Great. Cheat on my grandma, you sonofabitch!
Of course, with Zeus being my stepgrandpa, I could potentially get the inside track for a date with Venus or Aphrodite. I hear they’ve aged well.
I’m not Romantic Comedy Guy. It’s one of those things that really helps me pass the Is He a Man? sniff test.
However. Love, Actually is awesome. Hilarious. My all-time favorite romantic comedy not involving Tom Hanks.
And I adore this particular character. I, legit, hope to emulate his parenting style as my son ages.
On the heels of his wife dying, Daniel is left to care for his withdrawn stepson.
Daniel thinks he’s super-depressed over his mother’s passing. And certainly he is affected by it. But he’s a young boy in school. And he’s fallen in love, he says, with a girl at school who doesn’t know he exists.
All of the remaining scenes in the film are Daniel not dismissing his stepson’s thoughts and feelings.
He doesn’t say: “That’s bullshit. You’re just a dumb little kid whose feelings and opinions don’t matter.”
He invests in his stepson’s problem and goes to great lengths to help him win this girl’s affections.
It’s extraordinarily sweet. And as a father, I hope I can respect my son enough to validate all of the things that really matter to him, instead of always treating him like my feelings are more important because I’m the old-and-wise adult.
I love this guy. And at the risk of insulting my ridiculously awesome grandfather, Daniel can be my bonus grandpa anytime he wants to.
Rob Roy is like, part-Robin Hood, part William Wallace from Braveheart.
He’s an 18th Century Scot.
I bet my recently turned-saucy grandma totally digs that sort of thing. And I want her to be happy.
And I can’t kick his ass anyway.
“Yes, Grandpa Rob Roy. Of course I’ll get your reading glasses and Dr. Scholl’s inserts for you.”
Dr. Martin Harris
In Unknown, Neeson’s character Dr. Harris wakes from a coma with little memory of who he is.
Since my grandmother’s memory worsens as she ages, the unintentional comedy would be off the charts.
I’m so desperate to listen to those conversations, I’m almost hopeful this happens.
Grandma: “Can I help you, mister?”
Dr. Harris: “Are you joking?”
Grandma: “No. I don’t remember any jokes. What can I do for you?”
Dr. Harris: “Sweetheart, you’re scaring me. Don’t you know who I am?”
Grandma: “Yes. You’re Liam Neeson.”
Dr. Harris: “That actor you want to bang!?!? Babe, I’m your husband. It’s me. Martin. We’re married.”
Grandma: “Oh my. How long have we been married?”
Dr. Harris: “Not sure. I have a shitty memory, too. We met right after I came out of a coma at the hospital. Or maybe it was the pub. I honestly don’t know.”
Grandma: “Yeah. I’m not even sure what we’re talking about right now, Lester.”
Dr. Harris: “It’s Martin, actually.”
Grandma: “Hi Mark. I really just want to eat some toast with apple butter and rest my eyes.”
Dr. Harris: “Okay, hon. Would you like to watch a movie?”
Grandma: “I hear Taken 2 is quite good.”
My grandma had emergency surgery yesterday.
Weeks back, she had an accident with her car which resulted in her own vehicle running over both of her legs.
If I didn’t love her so much, I’d laugh at the absurdity I picture in my head while trying to imagine how this happened.
She’s had a series of infection flare ups, and is currently in a hospital bed with intentionally opened wounds on both legs so the medical staff can treat the infection directly.
This is the second time she has needed emergency surgery in about three weeks because the doctors treating her apparently have the same medical training that I do.
She is one of the sweetest, most-beautiful human beings to ever walk this earth. And my prayer today is that she is able to recover fully from this incident and eventually get around physically as well as she’s always been able to.
The world is such a brighter place when she’s lighting it up.
And that can’t return soon enough.
Even if after all this, she ends up making old-lady sexy time with a Liam Neeson movie character.