‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

 With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore.

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and I was at home, totally alone, and writing a poem. The house is a mess. I don’t really care. My friends coming over, can lick my…

Christmas balls, brownies and cranberry dips! The beer tastes so good when the head hits your lips! There will be shots of tequila! Rum and eggnog! Ensuring this night that we’ll sleep like Yule logs.

The house has a chimney where squirrels once nested, baby squirrels rained down, and my patience was tested. So I installed a cage to keep the rats out, a cage that’s likely to make Santa shout.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!?!” the old man might yell, frightening the reindeer who will jingle their bells, before flying away and stranding St. Nick, who will stand there dumbfounded, feeling like a dick.

With the chimney shut tight, and the reindeer aflight, Santa will sneak like a thief in the night, to my back door and let himself in, and that’s when he’ll hear it: The sounds of our sins:

Laughter and swearing and off-color joking. Eating and drinking and probably smoking. The Mowgli’s, Cake, Of Monsters and Men. Walk the Moon, Volbeat, and Radiohead. Imagine Dragons, Beck, and Lana Del Ray. Childish Gambino and then Hot Chelle Rae.

“Holy shit, Hot Chelle Rae!” Santa will say. “This song’s gayer than Freddie Mercury’s pants!” before involuntarily starting to dance.

He’ll stomp down the stairs to my basement bar, but no one will notice; we’re not seeing far.

Faster than magic reindeer, his angry voice will come, and he’ll scowl and he’ll point and make us feel dumb: “Now, Scott! Now, Angel! Now, David and Connie! On, Joel! On, Mindy! On, Pam and on Johnny!”

He’ll flash a quick smile, do a quick whirl, point right at me, and wink at the jewelry store girl.

“The idiot reindeer left and now I’m in trouble, please pour me a drink, in fact, make that a double!”

Obliging the man, I’ll pour a tall glass. “I can control time! I’m getting drunk off my ass!”

His eyes will not twinkle though his dimples will be merry. His cheeks—like roses. His nose? Like a cherry.

We’ll party. We’ll laugh. We’ll dance and we’ll sing. Only God knows what the evening will bring.

“Sonofabitch! Would you look at the time! Lord, where are my reindeer? Please show me a sign.”

And just then on the stereo—Bullet for my Valentine.

Santa will slam down his drink with a thunderous THRAP. “Happy birthday, Jesus! I hope you like crap!”

He’ll stand up and stumble—a drunken Kriss Kringle. Scott will leave early; his keys, he will jingle.

The noise will draw reindeer back to my home; and here I thought I’d spend this evening alone.

We’ll laugh and we’ll hug and become Facebook friends, then he’ll climb in his sleigh where the time always bends.

He’ll put his hands on my shoulders: “Thanks for the shots. You’ve been naughty this year. But when have you not?”

I’ll shrug and I’ll nod because that’s what I do.

“Look under your tree. I left you a few.”

The magic is back, this Christmas, you see, with the promise of treasures in 2014.

If the presents are late or the gifts too confusing, I apologize, sincerely, for adult-drink abusing.

A visit from Santa. A visit from friends. An abundance of blessings where fun never ends.

Be thankful for fun and for laughs and for life. Be thankful for friends, your family, your wife. Be thankful for children, for adventure—live free. Be thankful for wine and barrel-aged whiskey.

I’m thankful for you. You give my life light.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Please have a fun night.

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44 thoughts on “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

  1. jessiesgirl says:

    Thank you for the gift of your blog all year long. I will be here rooting for you through 2014 and beyond. Remember you are loved and thought of every day by people you’ve never laid eyes on…because of your honesty, your humor, your thoughtfulness, and your beautiful soul. Merry Christmas, Matt! 🎄🎅🎁❤️


  2. knace says:

    Brilliant, as always. Merry Christmas right back at you and your kiddo! Love, K. :)


  3. If Santa is weaving a bit by the time he hits Winnipeg, I will know why :) Have a merry one!


  4. Aussa Lorens says:

    Hold the phone. You had BABY SQUIRRELS raining down your chimney?
    I need one of those. To cuddle it.


    • Matt says:

      If I had to estimate the number of live squirrels who have snuck into my house via my fireplace, I’d have to put the babies at about eight, and adults at three.

      The babies fall down. The mommies then come down to save them. And they’re little furry whorebags of evil and hatred. And tough enough to push my fireplace doors open.

      No good comes from that. I’ll be sure to write about it sometime.

      Hope you’re having a lovely holidays, Aussa. Hope you find a rodent to cuddle.


      • Aussa Lorens says:

        “little furry whorebags” is making me need to run to the restroom.

        I will cuddle all the rodents.


        • Matt says:

          I don’t know what kind of squirrels you have where you live, Aussa. But Ohio squirrels are soulless and evil.

          They pee on your counters.

          They poop little black turds EVERYWHERE. They eat your woodwork. Literally. Eat. Your. Trim and molding.

          It’s really unnerving when they’re in your bedroom. When they build nests under your bookshelf. When they fly around your house like ninjas.

          Our rodents are NOT docile.

          And they want to murder all humans.



  5. DailyMusings says:

    Awesomely brilliant!!! Have a merry! :-)


  6. mel says:

    This was really awesome. You are a great writer, friend!


  7. Thank you Matt, impressive. I like that some of my favourite bands were in there, and a little disturbed at how evil squirrels are. They look so sweet. Merry Christmas :)


  8. cho wan yau says:

    Reblogged this on Gorgeous and commented:
    Cheered me up


  9. David says:

    If you’re writing that well then I’m fresh out of luck. That’s really alright ’cause I don’t give a … [writers block!]

    Have an awesome-as-possible Christmas!


  10. You, dear sir, are a literary genius.


  11. I’ll drink to that.


  12. Jack Chaser says:

    Well done as usual, brother.


  13. suzjones says:

    I hope you have the best Christmas you can muster young Matt. :)
    Peace be to you.


    • Matt says:

      I really appreciate that. As is usually the case, I did the best with what I had. Thank you so much.

      Now, it’s back to the office with Christmas in the rearview.

      Here’s to 2014.


  14. Okay – as a professional poet, I have to say your scansion could use help. But mine often could; no worries. My point is?

    Your message and heart, they shone the fuck through,
    and I’m grateful, sir, that I have found you.

    Your blog, I mean. Um.


    • Matt says:

      I have no idea how to take this. But I love it, of course. Thank you. :)

      I’m glad you did, too. *goes to look up ‘scansion’*


      • Haha! It’s all to do with rhyme and meter. Most people who don’t stress out about it constantly have no idea what it means. It’s usually what I think about poetry by people who don’t write it ALL THE TIME, SERIOUSLY, and is totally not a big deal.

        I really, REALLY dig the message you’ve got here, though. I can’t stress that enough. Therefore everything I’ve said has been entirely complimentary, probably. I promise. I like your blog, sir.


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