Hey, Match Girls: Piss Off. You Had Your Chance.

Hey Match.com! Stop sending me email. I already broke up with you.

Hey Match.com! Stop sending me email. I already broke up with you.

Now that I no longer have an active Match.com account, women are emailing and “winking” at me, left and right.

It’s total bullshit.

The decision to discontinue online dating was a thoughtful and deliberate one.

First, I considered my options and was leaning toward re-upping my membership for another three months.

Then, I thought: Screw it. And decided to move forward with just Two Poles in the Pond.

Match to Customer: We’ll Be Watching You

I canceled my membership. And I unsubscribed from Match’s email list.

I work in email marketing. When someone unsubscribes, you’re supposed to take them off your send list.

Those cocks at Match are geniuses, though. They have, like, 14 different lists. Oh, you unsubscribed from one of our lists? Don’t worry! We’ll still send you dozens of DIFFERENT kinds of emails!

For three months, they let my profile ride. The results were poor. It made me sad to realize just how undateable I was online.

I always imagine two single girlfriends checking out different guys’ online dating profiles together.

Ewwwwww! Look at this one! He’s got a kid and he’s only 5’9”. Lets masturbate and then make fun of this guy some more!

<10 minutes later>

This stupid guy, again! How much do you want to bet his wife left him for a tall, rich guy? I bet he doesn’t even have couches in his living room! Bwahahaha!

This blog got its name because of the tendency of every woman on the planet to prefer men who are at least 6’0” tall.

They don’t care about personality. Or intelligence. Or employment status.

They don’t care about kindness. Or sense of humor. Or anything like that.

Just be six-feet tall and maybe have a bunch of tattoos! And for the love of God, don’t have any children.

Must. Be. This. Tall. To. Ride.

Eat shit, Match.

My Online Dating Experience

I had an active Match account for three months.

If I logged in at all, this is how each experience went down:

  1. Did anyone email me? Nope.
  2. Did anyone wink at me? Oooh! One. Cool. Let’s check her out! Let’s see, she has three kids, four dogs, weighs 40 pounds more than I do, has a glass eye and spelled 67 percent of all her words correctly. Oh, she’s not fat! She’s just pregnant again! Good God.
  3. Maybe I’ll peruse some profiles and reach out to them! This one’s pretty! Cool, she’s only 5’2”! Prefers men who are: 6’2” or taller. Fuck! Oh look, this one’s outstanding, and she lives close! Prefers men who earn: $150,000+ annually. Fuck! Oh look, this girl’s fantastic. Prefers men who: Worship Satan and have a clubfoot fetish. Fuck!

Almost no one wrote. Almost no one winked at me. Almost no one would return an email I’d send them.

This is the kind of rejection I could have done without every single night alone in my bed while another man stuck his penis in my wife.

Match to Customer: You Can Check Out Anytime You Like, But You Can Never Leave

Fine. I don’t need this shit! Piss off, Match! I’ll meet someone the old-fashioned way when I’m good and ready!

Boom. Done. Canceled.

If you’re a guy under six feet who has cancelled a Match account before, I bet you know what happens next!

I get INUNDATED with emails from Match telling me every time someone sends me an email or a wink.

It happens all the time! Right now, I have a big pile of winks and messages from mystery women floating out there in Matchland.

It’s a communist plot to get me to renew my membership. I know it. Match has a bunch of chicks they pay $4 an hour to write notes to and wink at all the guys who try to walk away.

And every other day, we get these little notifications.

“Hey Customer! All these girls are TOTALLY interested in you! They love that you’re 5’9”! They love that you have a kid! They are DYING to come to your house and camp out on your living room floor and give you back massages and run their fingers through your hair! Don’t give up! You’re really not a loser! And for a limited-time, you can find out we’re not lying to you for just $19.95 for three months!”

There will probably come a day where these tempting emails will get the best of me.

“Dear Matt, you have 26 unread emails in your inbox! Sign up now to see who’s interested in you!”

And I’ll break down and give them some more money.

Most of the girls will be felons, or have a dozen children, or live in other states, or have clubfoot, or try to convert me to Satanism.

But there will be one, I bet. One who’s an absolute angel.

My heart will pitter-patter. And I’ll respond.

“Hey! I’m really sorry. I had to quit online dating for a while because Match is soulless and evil. I’m really flattered by your note. That’s cool that we live so close to one another and enjoy all of the same things. If and when you feel like it, please write back, let me know whether you’re still single and whether you’re still interested. I’d love to talk you. Please take care in the meantime!” I’ll write.

Two days later, she’ll respond.

“Hey. Thank you for writing back. That was so nice of you. I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I’m dating someone now.

“And the truth is, I didn’t see before that you were a father. I hope this doesn’t sound mean, but I just don’t date guys with kids.

“Oh, wait! You’re only 5’9”?!?! Bwahahahahaha!!!”

I hate you, Match.

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95 thoughts on “Hey, Match Girls: Piss Off. You Had Your Chance.

  1. Peggie says:

    Dude. I found out that my husband of 19 years cheated on me with several women, carrying on two simultaneous long-term affairs. I get the situation for sure. Pretty quickly, the heartbreak and devastation turned into knowing how disgusting he was, and deciding to get the hell out there and find someone new. I’m the kind of person (but not super skinny- average size) that loves to love and be loved. It’s fun! I’m a fairly attractive girl with 2 kids, am into tons of geekery and rock music and whatever. I thought, ‘I’m one of the guys, I’m totally chill and hey I’m told I’m pretty cute, I look young for my age, so this shouldn’t be too bad.’ Anyway, I ended up trying Zoosk (evil, ghetto site), Bumble (never actually had a conversation with even one guy), E-Harmony (total scam – got a refund), Match (actually had an ok experience, made a few good friends and had a crush but not match), and OK Cupid (best dating app out there IMO, found my new person and made a couple of friends). It was a couple of months of hell. Girls have different kinds of hellish experiences than boys, but let me tell you the rejection for us is horrible as well. Since the last time I was single I was 20 years old and, as a cute girl, had zero experience with rejection – zero. Ever. Entering the online dating world was like going on a roller coaster of mild to brutal rejection, feeling icky that to most of these guys it was a ‘game’ and if you responded too fast or said the wrong thing you were ghosted, and it felt disgusting to me that if you weren’t a size 6 or skinnier and ‘into sports, athletics, going for jogs on the beach, and a highly motivated individual,’ you weren’t worth dating. If a guy was flirting with me, I felt I had to mention that I was not a ‘skinny’ girl and ask if he had looked at all my photos. After this I would either get suddenly ignored, or I’d be told I was cute and that they’d still like to talk. And I’m not even really overweight! I simply have curves. I have a butt and boobs and am not a stick figure and the rejection was staggering. I made it clear on my page that I was not into sexting or hookups, I was a nice girl with morals and was there to make friends and see what happened. In two months, I was ghosted twice, asked how big my boobs were, told I was ‘the definition of beauty’ by someone who kept weirdly insisting I let him take me out to ice cream (did he also have a white unmarked van?), one guy I discovered was addicted to masturbating and didn’t want to meet in person (ewww), one guy’s response to my message that I wanted to make friends was, ‘show me your boobs I’m thirsty,’ I was approached by several swinging couples who wanted me to join their strange clusterf*** they called a ‘relationship,’ approached by 18-21 year old boys (I am 39) who claimed they were ‘very experienced’ and ‘like older women (good God), was tricked into giving a guy my number to exchange tattoo pics by some guy sending a very unwanted naked pic after I explicitly said I was not interested in that sort of thing… I finally had a crush on a guy who was pretty awesome and compatible, but he was scarred for life by dating girls with kids so we had to stay friends…and then I found my person on Ok Cupid. Or rather, he found me and sent me such an intelligent & thoughtful message it enticed me to respond.
    It was all worth it in the end, but I have to say…the online dating app world is just brutal in general – for every normal person. Here’s why – 85%ish of the people on there are either the reason they are single (they’re the undatable ones with issues), just looking for sex, secretly married/have an ulterior motive, or fake profiles. We the normal, innocent people just trying to find our person out there are the 25%. I swear. I’m an observant person and this is my perception. Also, it is just NOT WORTH IT to use ANY of those apps without paying for the full package with unlimited everything. If someone else doesn’t want to pay for it and can’t message back, that is their issue and why are they even on a dating app anyway if the ability to speak with people isn’t worth $20 or something for 3 months. Kinda ridiculous to me. If we want to honestly find a person, why wouldn’t that be worth it? I had to deal with zero adds or inability to message, or unwanted views, could set my profile to private, hide view count etc. I never used the ‘free’ version of any of them. It’s just silly to me.
    Also, and I hope you read this – I promise. A normal girl does NOT sit with a friend and say, ‘eww’ at profiles. We are all going through some serious rejection and crazy drama you are. If a girl does that, f$&@ them for it. That is not cool.
    And for all the girls with stupid tall height requirements – they are single for some very good reasons as well – shallow as hell.
    I wish you good fortune, and I won’t hit on you since I’m not single. But seriously…an intelligent dude with a successful blog, a good dad, honest? I might have. Keep your chin up and maybe try OKC or just tell dating apps to suck it. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. […] very tall (5’9”-ish) and was only then realizing what a handicap that was while pathetically trying and failing to online date. The blog was supposed to be about not being good enough for my wife, and not being good enough for […]

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