Now that I no longer have an active Match.com account, women are emailing and “winking” at me, left and right.
It’s total bullshit.
The decision to discontinue online dating was a thoughtful and deliberate one.
First, I considered my options and was leaning toward re-upping my membership for another three months.
Then, I thought: Screw it. And decided to move forward with just Two Poles in the Pond.
Match to Customer: We’ll Be Watching You
I canceled my membership. And I unsubscribed from Match’s email list.
I work in email marketing. When someone unsubscribes, you’re supposed to take them off your send list.
Those cocks at Match are geniuses, though. They have, like, 14 different lists. Oh, you unsubscribed from one of our lists? Don’t worry! We’ll still send you dozens of DIFFERENT kinds of emails!
For three months, they let my profile ride. The results were poor. It made me sad to realize just how undateable I was online.
I always imagine two single girlfriends checking out different guys’ online dating profiles together.
Ewwwwww! Look at this one! He’s got a kid and he’s only 5’9”. Lets masturbate and then make fun of this guy some more!
<10 minutes later>
This stupid guy, again! How much do you want to bet his wife left him for a tall, rich guy? I bet he doesn’t even have couches in his living room! Bwahahaha!
This blog got its name because of the tendency of every woman on the planet to prefer men who are at least 6’0” tall.
They don’t care about personality. Or intelligence. Or employment status.
They don’t care about kindness. Or sense of humor. Or anything like that.
Just be six-feet tall and maybe have a bunch of tattoos! And for the love of God, don’t have any children.
Must. Be. This. Tall. To. Ride.
Eat shit, Match.
My Online Dating Experience
I had an active Match account for three months.
If I logged in at all, this is how each experience went down:
- Did anyone email me? Nope.
- Did anyone wink at me? Oooh! One. Cool. Let’s check her out! Let’s see, she has three kids, four dogs, weighs 40 pounds more than I do, has a glass eye and spelled 67 percent of all her words correctly. Oh, she’s not fat! She’s just pregnant again! Good God.
- Maybe I’ll peruse some profiles and reach out to them! This one’s pretty! Cool, she’s only 5’2”! Prefers men who are: 6’2” or taller. Fuck! Oh look, this one’s outstanding, and she lives close! Prefers men who earn: $150,000+ annually. Fuck! Oh look, this girl’s fantastic. Prefers men who: Worship Satan and have a clubfoot fetish. Fuck!
Almost no one wrote. Almost no one winked at me. Almost no one would return an email I’d send them.
This is the kind of rejection I could have done without every single night alone in my bed while another man stuck his penis in my wife.
Match to Customer: You Can Check Out Anytime You Like, But You Can Never Leave
Fine. I don’t need this shit! Piss off, Match! I’ll meet someone the old-fashioned way when I’m good and ready!
Boom. Done. Canceled.
If you’re a guy under six feet who has cancelled a Match account before, I bet you know what happens next!
I get INUNDATED with emails from Match telling me every time someone sends me an email or a wink.
It happens all the time! Right now, I have a big pile of winks and messages from mystery women floating out there in Matchland.
It’s a communist plot to get me to renew my membership. I know it. Match has a bunch of chicks they pay $4 an hour to write notes to and wink at all the guys who try to walk away.
And every other day, we get these little notifications.
“Hey Customer! All these girls are TOTALLY interested in you! They love that you’re 5’9”! They love that you have a kid! They are DYING to come to your house and camp out on your living room floor and give you back massages and run their fingers through your hair! Don’t give up! You’re really not a loser! And for a limited-time, you can find out we’re not lying to you for just $19.95 for three months!”
There will probably come a day where these tempting emails will get the best of me.
“Dear Matt, you have 26 unread emails in your inbox! Sign up now to see who’s interested in you!”
And I’ll break down and give them some more money.
Most of the girls will be felons, or have a dozen children, or live in other states, or have clubfoot, or try to convert me to Satanism.
But there will be one, I bet. One who’s an absolute angel.
My heart will pitter-patter. And I’ll respond.
“Hey! I’m really sorry. I had to quit online dating for a while because Match is soulless and evil. I’m really flattered by your note. That’s cool that we live so close to one another and enjoy all of the same things. If and when you feel like it, please write back, let me know whether you’re still single and whether you’re still interested. I’d love to talk you. Please take care in the meantime!” I’ll write.
Two days later, she’ll respond.
“Hey. Thank you for writing back. That was so nice of you. I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I’m dating someone now.
“And the truth is, I didn’t see before that you were a father. I hope this doesn’t sound mean, but I just don’t date guys with kids.
“Oh, wait! You’re only 5’9”?!?! Bwahahahahaha!!!”
I hate you, Match.