My neighbor Ryan is going to be so disappointed in me.
I changed my mind and canceled my online dating subscription yesterday.
At midnight tomorrow, it’s gone.
I just wrote a week ago that I was going to renew my subscription. And under normal conditions, I really prefer to do what I say I’m going to do.
But I feel good about my decision which probably means it’s a bad one.
I wrote to one final girl yesterday. We have a lot in common. She’s pretty.
My note was charming and funny.
She didn’t write back.
Maybe she didn’t like that I’m a dad.
Maybe she didn’t think I was tall enough.
Maybe she thought I looked fat and ugly.
Why I’m Quitting Online Dating
Yeah, sure, it’s one of the Three Poles in the Pond.
But I’m done. Or at least going on a long hiatus.
1. I’ve reached my rejection threshold
“You’re too hard on yourself, Matt.”
“You should hold your head up high, Matt. You’re a great catch.”
“You’re amazing. You really are. Any girl would be extremely lucky to have you.”
I hear this crap all the time. From married women and old friends and my grandma.
It’s nonsense. I appreciate their endless concern and support. I like to say nice things to people too.
But I’m me. I’m the guy walking around in this bag of bones. And I need you to accept this as truth: Whatever life skill I possessed that attracted girls in my youth (physical fitness?), I possess in much less quantity now.
2. I like the old-fashioned way better
My best trait is my kindness and friendliness.
I can be a little obnoxious and over the top, sometimes. I’m not for everyone.
But occasionally, I do charm members of the opposite sex with my personality.
And despite my ability to string grammatically correct sentences together, women online still apparently prefer the 6’2” meatheads who type: “ur hot. we shoudl meet so u can play w/ my uncircumsized penis.”
Just kidding. Those clowns can’t spell “uncircumsized.”
3. It’s lazy
If I’m really motivated to meet new people, I need to be out in the world doing it. Not stuck behind the same computer screen where I spend so much time punching the keyboard typing things I hope people I don’t know will read and people I do know, won’t.
I need to be out. Smiling. Having good times. Being adventurous. Feeding off the intoxicating energy of others having fun.
I went to a party at my neighbor Ryan’s house this past Saturday. I met a girl named Stephanie. Ryan incorrectly assumed I was trying to sleep with her, even though she is his fiancée’s oldest childhood friend, 10 years younger than me, and I have a conscience.
But it was nice meeting someone and having a good time. She had made Jell-O shots. We ate a bunch. We snuck off to smoke cigarettes. She was my Beer Pong partner despite having a complex about how poorly she plays it. It was fun.
And those are the moments I want to keep having, rather than having scary women reach out to me online. And that’s another thing…
4. Only women I would never date like me
It’s like a sick joke. Honestly. It’s not that NO women like me. It’s just that no women I like back like me.
“Are your standards a little high, Matt?”
No. Piss off. I like what I like.
“What kind of girls are reaching out to you, Matt?”
Is it mean to say fat and stupid even if it’s true? I think it is. I HATE being mean. Hate it. I’ve carried on email conversations for a couple weeks with a few women I would never date but just didn’t have the heart to tell them so.
“What is it that you’re looking for?”
A. Kindness. B. Intelligence. C. Attractiveness. D. No more than two children. (This is purely a financial decision.) E. Similar life philosophy. F. Relatively close proximity.
Forgive me Person Who Thinks I’m Reaching for the Stars, but I don’t think this is that much to ask for.
5. It sucks ass
And I’m going to stop doing things that suck, not counting bill paying. I’m just going to stop. Things that suck do not enhance my life. And damn it, I’m in the market for some life enhancement. Not male enhancement, Viagra Spammer. Life enhancement.
Who do you respect more? The art history professor or the artist?
Who do you look up to? The college journalism instructor or the crime beat reporter at the local daily?
Who do you aspire to be? The person who’s well read or the person who lived? Really lived?
I don’t want to be one of the railbirds. I want to play in the poker tournament.
I don’t want to watch Sideways. I want to drink in the vineyard.
I don’t want to look at women on a screen. I want to wake up next to one.
I want the next date I go on to be with someone who wants to be there.
Someone I at least kind-of know.
So when she tries to pull some stupid shit like doubling all the guacamole ingredients, I can step in and save the day.
For both our sakes.