The Female Rating System


This old lady does not approve of the rating system. In related news, she’s a 2-2-3. Unless I drink a lot of tequila. Then? Maybe a 2-1-3.


Three little numbers.

That’s what I’ve reduced women to here.

Check that. That’s what Ryan and whoever invented his little female rating system has done.

It’s horrible and hilarious all at the same time.

To be clear, it’s only accidently demeaning to women. The rating system’s sole purpose is to communicate with other men what you’re thinking in a way he can understand via quick text message.

Ryan is my neighbor. Even though he’s five years younger than me, he has his doctorate and is way more successful than I am, personally and professionally.

He has a great job. He has a gorgeous and brilliant girlfriend. He has more cars than I do. His house is nicer. Basically, everything about his life is better than mine. It’d be annoying if I didn’t like him.

Ryan introduced me to, and may have invented, the Three Poles in the Pond theory.

He became my neighbor the same week my wife moved out. He’s at least passively interested in my dating situation.

When I told him I was going on my first date in more than a dozen years, he asked me to send him her digits.

“You want her phone number?”

“No. You don’t know the three-digit rating system?” he asked.

“Dude, I’ve been married,” I said.

“Okay,” he said. “It’s like this…”

The Rating System

Three numbers.

1. The Face Rating (Scale: 1-10)
This is not an exact science.
Whenever I have rated a girl on a scale of 1-10, I’ve never believed a 6 was a very good rating. You know? The way a big red 73% isn’t exactly something you’re proud to see at the top of your high school math test.
Anything rated five and up is good in Ryan’s eyes.
“That’s above average!” he says.
I think he’s full of shit. I employ a more stringent rating method. But I make bad decisions so I’m probably doing it wrong.

2. Would You Sleep with Her? (Yes = 1. No = 2.)

Level of desperation, the lunar cycle and alcohol consumption could all come into play on this one.
But there’s no ambiguity. The second number is an important piece of information. And you only have two choices. Would you? Or wouldn’t you?
This is the part where really important things like personality, chemistry and self-respect come into play.

3. The Body Rating (Scale: 1-10)

Just like the Face Rating.
But everyone likes different things, so these ratings are always subjective.
Some men like chesty women. Others like petite ones.
Some men prefer thicker hind ends. The curvy look.
Some like tall women. Or athletes. Or BBWs.

My first date in a dozen years was a 7-1-6 in my estimation.

My second date was a 9-2-7.

So, chemistry goes a long way with me.

Ryan still remembers old girlfriends and women he has met by their numbers. He and his friends still banter about the 8-1-7 from that one night last year, or the 3-2-10 that got drunk with them on their last camping trip.

On my first date, Ryan insisted I text him the numbers.

So the first time she went to the restroom at the bar, I texted to Ryan: “7-1-6.”

“Yeah man. Take her home!” was his response. He’s an excellent combination of polite gentleman and total savage.

I don’t have a good sense of how offensive women will consider this. But I’m curious to find out.

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11 thoughts on “The Female Rating System

  1. lpaint says:

    I haven’t heard of this before (it’s brilliant and awesome) but will certainly utilize it on my next dating prospects. >:)


  2. “its only accidentally demeaning to women” – I love the way you write!


  3. jessiesgirl says:

    I’m reading your blog from the beginning today and I’m noticing a trend that I’d like to address with you, sir. You seem a little hung up on appearances. First…your own appearance. Graying hair at 34? Two words for you — George Clooney. “Only” 5 foot 9 inches tall? Most girls I know are 5 foot 6 inches or shorter. Next…the appearance of potential women to date. From what I’ve gleaned, your ex was gorgeous…how’d that work out for ya? And the stunning Italian doctor from Chicago…beauty was only skin deep there, wasn’t it? The manatee comment in your online dating post…uncalled for. In my experience, someone can be physically perfect but be the ugliest person you’ve ever met on the inside. And someone who you might not have given a second look can become the most attractive person in the world because of who they are, not how they look. Say you meet a super sweet, smart, interesting girl, but she’s heavier than you typically prefer. Did you ever think that maybe she’s not happy with how she looks either? Maybe she’s looking for a workout partner? Maybe having a man notice her would motivate her to take better care of herself? Maybe she has health problems…you don’t know. And you won’t know until you give her a chance. You see, I really like you and I don’t want to see you pass up your soulmate because she didn’t get high enough marks in some shallow rating system. I know you didn’t create the system, but going forward, perhaps you should consider adding a few categories, such as intelligence, sense of humor, sensitivity, integrity, potential to be a good role-model for Owen. You’re a smart guy and I hope that when the time comes to get serious about finding the right girl, you’ll think with the correct brain. ;-)


    • Matt says:

      You’re going to make me get defensive! It’s one of my biggest weaknesses!

      Physical attractiveness is not irrelevant.

      If physical attraction didn’t matter, a ton of us would be gay because it’s easier for us to identify with people who think and feel as we do.

      That said, this post addresses what I look for in a partner:

      I’d like to think an honest evaluation of me would conclude that I’m not shallow.

      But I am putting myself out there. And it’s up to everyone else to form whatever opinion of me they see fit.

      As you have. As you are. I hope in the final evaluation, you consider me a good person. I want to be one of those.


  4. […] Learn the system here: The Female Rating System […]


  5. […] neighbor Ryan of Three Poles in the Pond and Female Rating System fame had contacted me earlier in the week. We were going to paint the town Saturday night. Four […]


  6. AndiMirandi says:

    Reblogged this on AndiMirandi and commented:
    Thank you Matt, for linking to this today. I had never seen it and I love it. And, I’m passing this on to my friends!! <3


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