An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 1

Photo by Mike Klemme

A tradition unlike any other?
Photo by Mike Klemme

Dear Shitty Husband,

Yep. You.

I know what you’re thinking. It’s one of, or some combination of, the following:

  1. I’m not a shitty husband! I work 50-hour-plus weeks to pay for our house, and our cars, and our vacations, and her jewelry, and the kids’ activities. I love my wife and family!
  2. I’m not a shitty husband! I would do ANYTHING for my wife.
  3. I’m not a shitty husband! I fix things around the house that need fixed. I mow the lawn, and walk the dog, and take out the trash, and help change diapers, and run the kids to their little league games.
  4. I’m not a shitty husband! I always make sure she has an orgasm when we have sex once a week!
  5. I’m not a shitty husband! I don’t drink excessively, I’m drug-free, I work out, I don’t hit her, I don’t call her names and I don’t cheat!

And listen. I get it. You really truly don’t believe you’re a shitty husband. And I commend you for all of the good things you do, and applaud you for all the sacrifices you make on behalf of your wife and/or family.

But guess what?

Shut up. You’re an asshole and a shitty husband.

I don’t know everything there is to know about marriage. I might not even know a lot. But I know one VERY important thing: I’m an asshole. And I was a shitty husband.

On Easter Sunday of this year, my wife took her ring off after nine years of marriage and informed me she was leaving.

It hurt. It took my breath away. It frightened me.

But I wasn’t shocked.

Because we (husbands) have an awful lot more control than we think we do.

And all of us—male and female—need to accept more responsibility than we do for our circumstances.

And that’s what I’m going to do now. Accept some responsibility.

As of this writing, I don’t have much of an audience. But what little audience I have has read me talk about how my wife ended our nine-year marriage by leaving me the day after Easter.

But the question on the table today is: Had I been the husband I was supposed to be during the beginning and middle years of our marriage, would we ever have gotten to the point where my wife was looking elsewhere for inner peace and happiness?

She most definitely sucks for ending our relationship the way she did. She doesn’t get a free pass for that.

But this is where I have to take responsibility—at least part of it—for the position in which I find myself.

I was NOT a perfect husband.

I’m not even sure I was a good husband.

I loved her. I was kind to her. I wanted to make her happy and win her approval. I wanted to take care of her and provide for her. I went to work every day for her. She gave me purpose. I wanted to be with her forever.

But I was an asshole. A selfish one. And while I truly believe I redeemed myself during the final two years of our marriage, when I was growing and she was withdrawing, I was a shitty husband for the seven years prior.

Watching The Masters

I didn’t know it at the time, but four years ago, a defining moment in my life happened during the Sunday final round of The Masters golf tournament—generally considered to be the most-popular golf tournament of the year by American golf fans.

Living in Ohio, that general time period around Easter and The Masters is when you can count on the weather to break and really give you some beautiful days.

My ex-wife absolutely loves being outside. She grew up in the country, and sitting inside on a beautiful day is not her idea of a good time.

So, inevitably, it was gorgeous outside during the final round of The Masters. Our son was not quite a year old. And my wife wanted us, as a family, to go enjoy the weather together.

Go hike in the nearby national park.

Go to the zoo.

Go to a metro park trail.

Sounds pretty reasonable, right?

I think so.

But on that particular Sunday, without the benefit of failed-marriage hindsight? It sounded perfectly unreasonable.

It went something like this:

Me: “Babe. I’d really just like to watch my favorite golf tournament. This only happens once a year.”

Wife: “I can’t believe you want to sit inside on a such a beautiful day. You don’t want to go do something nice as a family?”

Me: “I don’t want to sit inside on a beautiful day—I kind of wish it was raining—and of course I want to do fun things together, but again, this golf tournament happens just one weekend a year. And that happens to be today. I’d like to watch it. I’m sorry.”

This all hit me a few months ago during the 2013 Masters. It was on TV at my house. But nobody was home. She’d already left. My son was gone. I was there. I was awake. But I wasn’t home.

I’m tempted to look up who even won the damn golf tournament this year. Because I truly can’t remember. Maybe Justin Rose or Adam Scott. But honestly, who cares?

I chose The Masters over a perfect Sunday afternoon with my wife and son.

And guess what, Guy Who Thinks That Sounds Perfectly Acceptable?

You’re an asshole. And a shitty husband. Just like me.

I committed marriage’s worst crime, after all the obvious stuff like cheating, and abuse, and the like.

I left my wife alone in our marriage.

It looks a lot like that Masters Sunday four years ago.

It’s what it looks like when she stays home on a Friday night to take care of the kids and do chores and watch “Desperate Housewives” alone on the couch while you’re out with the boys.

It’s what it looks like when she invites you to bed during Monday Night Football, but you’re too busy monitoring your fantasy football team to join her.

It’s what it looks like when she asks you to join her for a family function at the in-laws, and you decline so you can watch a movie at home alone, or sit around playing video games, or playing golf, or playing poker.

It’s what it looks like when you go to a party and you spend all of your time drinking and laughing with your friends, and never once squeezing her hand, or whispering in her ear how gorgeous she looks, or making eye contact from across the room and mouthing the words “I love you.”

It’s what it looks like when you leave the hospital to get a good night’s sleep the day your son was born even though your wife is begging you to stay.

It’s what it looks like when you don’t acknowledge all of the many things she carries every day so that you don’t have to—managing schedules, and the household, and buying gifts for birthdays and weddings and graduations, and keeping the house clean, and a million other things I’m STILL too fucking dense to recognize even though I’m still picking up the pieces in my now-empty home.

The hardest lesson I’ve ever learned is that you can have all of the good intentions in the world. You can be kind. And charming. And willing to sacrifice.

And it can STILL break.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I’ve heard that proverb my entire life and I never really knew what it meant until now.

You know, it’s funny. I could have just DVR’d the fucking Masters.

And you can too.

We’re broken people. We’re shitty husbands.

But gentlemen—we don’t have to be.

You May Also Want to Read:

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 2

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 3

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 4

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 5

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 6

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 7

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 8

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 9

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 10

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 11

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 12

An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 13


Like this post? Hate it? You can subscribe to this blog by scrolling annoyingly far to the bottom of this page and inserting your email address under “Follow Blog via Email.” You can also follow MBTTTR on Twitter and Facebook.

Tagged , , , ,

403 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Shitty Husbands, Vol. 1

  1. junepie says:

    People here seem to be too focused on the Masters thing as the main event. As someone whose fiancé regularly treats me as an afterthought, I can tell you from personal experience that it’s the slow drip of being left alone in the marriage in ways sometimes little and seemingly insignificant and sometimes obviously egregious. Leaving your wife’a side after she’s given birth, when she is begging you to stay, for no other reason than to get some rest and a shower? No doubt the wheels in her mind clicked over toward “i need to leave him” at that point and many many others. I’ve been there. My fiancé opted not to accompany me to my first chemo session after I was diagnosed with cancer. I stayed with him (that was a year ago and I’m fine now) but I stopped having faith in him right then and there. A piece of me left the relationship. The worst part was when he defended his choice by saying he was “too tired” and “you’ll be fine.” Since then there have been too many smaller but no less significant things to count. And when I tell him how hurt I am, he gets miffed and tells me to “grow up.” Men, pay attention to what MBTTTR is saying. He is absolutely correct.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Matt says:

      Thank you for spelling out what should be obvious AND in the process, really highlighting the REAl problem which is two people who supposedly love other, and how neither are ever really arguing or fighting about the same things.

      We so often can’t even identify the problems right in front of us, even when people are trying to say it to us. Tragic.

      I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. There aren’t really any words.


  2. Tyler says:

    First thought: What a complete tool

    Final thought: Oh shit, he’s onto something


  3. Jen says:

    Here it is 12 on a Friday night.. my Husband of 11 years asleep in another room and I’m googling “My Husband is an asshole” and “shitty husband” just trying to find something to relate to. Tonight’s argument started because I forgot to buy a gallon of milk today for his Oreos (No joke). It’s these nonstop little ridiculous things that make me constantly think I can’t do this shit anymore.
    This post is basically my life and I have pretty much gotten to that point where I have checked out entirely from this marriage. So glad to read that there’s at least one dude out there on planet earth that gets it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Rowan says:

    This is my life. I have been with my husband for 20 years. I started asking for more 9 years ago. He’d improve for a few weeks then revert. Last year I gave him an ultimatium. He begged me to try again, so I did. we had 3 good months, then back to the same shit. The final straw was broken last month. I get plenty of offers from other men ( some are his friends). He is doing some half-assed trying right now, because I have completely checked out. He says he doesn’t know what to do. I sent him a link to this blog last night. I don’t know if he will understand it or even bother to read it. If he does read it , maybe he will realize that I am not making this up and I am not alone


    • I could have written your comment. I am in the exact same spot as you.


    • greyghost says:

      Good bye It will be a stroke of good fortune for him to have you take an offer and leave him.


    • Ella says:

      But what does he do that’s not living up to your expectations?

      Have you tried counseling?

      I don’t think this is the right blog to be reading. It’s so biased against men. I think you both need to try to relate to one another more, not to say “It’s all you, see?”

      Does he love you? Is he not good at expressing that? Why do you think he married you and strongly desires to stay married to you?


      • BillyS says:

        He probably doesn’t read her mind and make her as tingly as the hot guys in the movies….


      • Travis C says:

        I didn’t realize there is this “shitty husband” “syndrome” (at least in the eyes of wives agreeing to this blog (and to the owner of this blog)), until recently I read this.

        I empathize with Matt (if I get the blog’s owner’s name right) that it was precisely the sacrifice extent we make as husbands for our families that bred our sense of numbness to the cries of wives for us to truly listen. We have done our part to protect and provide for the family–isn’t that more important than anything else? Last thing in mind is that we’d be dumped for not “listening” enough. But I can’t argue with facts here: divorce can happen for this, creeping up almost (to us, anyway) imperceptibly (except “Rowan’s”; he’d been given the memo).

        For someone who’s always given in to his wife’s demand as a form of pleasure in life, I would have gladly “listened” and cooperated accordingly–ONLY THAT I HADN’T REALLY REGISTERED what’s this all about–a “shitty husband” syndrome. The danger is in the forms of the message to us: most complaints about shitty husband syndrome are pieced together from various forms of un-met requests (and from time to time, discontinuously), culminating into a “you’re-not-listening-enough” verdict.

        I have not read the rest of the blog yet but I can’t help feeling that Matt is severely, overly-beating himself as “guilty-as-charged” for the incriminating fact that the wife left, ie. not listening enough MUST be the (only) reason? Matt’s ultimate enlightenment and self-realization not withstanding–and they are in fact enlightening and true, but I also see Matt’s behavior at home were at best clueless–not malevolent. For example, he badly wanted to watch his sports game. This is not the same as plotting to prevent his wife from going out. And for guys who’ve waited for the game all year, recording it isn’t the same as live. I was just thinking aloud here, please don’t be offended but if Matt left the marriage because he didn’t get to watch his game (among other “small” things), would the ex-wife now write this blog instead and call it “shitty wife” blog for those who do not learn to appreciate all main sacrifices of the husband but choose to pick on small things instead?

        Was Matt clueless to the end? I think so. He got an awakening the day his wife left (Easter) though not surprised…I think being clueless is an apt description because I do not believe Matt would pay the price of divorce if he knew better any sooner.

        The ex-wife has a role to guide the husband to a more palatable form of co-habitation understanding over time by communicating to him directly the significance of each request (such in the “golf game versus sunny-day-out” incidence). To the clueless husband, a sunny-day-out is just a sunny day out. Last thing he’d suspect was a “test from the wife, or else”! This needs patience. Patience is not too difficult to find if you know where to look; you will find it in your heart if there is still love for him. See the nice things he DID provide for the family.

        To sentence a husband to a divorce after a few strikes is a little hard. He’s lovable. He’s committed father and husband. He’s clueless. But he is not a criminal for the latter. If so, I guess being a “non-shitty husband” is a pretty advanced form of act to follow these days. Every day is a test. Bringing food, comfort and protection is but pre-requisite and you’d need more to survive this.

        Does not sound like a match made out of love to me.

        Post: Above only refers to Matt and clueless husbands like Matt (including me). I can clearly feel that Matt loved his ex-wife a lot even after the split. Being clueless landed him in divorce is a fact now but I suppose Matt can see that it all can’t be him alone.

        I have to agree to Ella’s reply dated June 29, 2017 at 11:58 PM. It can’t all be you Matt. Ella’s language is direct and unapologetic but this piece has a lot of truth in it IMHO. I do not think the “mother” part mentioned in the reply was necessary, only the following rings reasonable, IMHO : “What you seek is a wife who loves you. Leave this battle. Look for a woman who isn’t fussy, isn’t a victim, and simply enjoys your company. Women can be bitches. Some women who read this blog truely are victims. But many women are seeking fulfillment of a void within themselves that no one could ever feel. A dude sounds like he WAS a good husband.”

        Some husbands out there are simply guilty as charged; they’re really ignoring the wives constantly for selfish reasons FOR YEARS. My understanding of Matt is based on what I read here and what I read here so far. Sorry if I have left out anything/ mis-read. Do point out.

        Hope you find a “non-victim” (borrowing from Ella) wife already Matt. I have seen them walking around too. In my part of the world, they call these wives as “those-who-stick-by-you-for-all-your-shortcomings-wife.”

        Some are made that way, NO TESTS!

        Wish you well,
        Travis C


  5. Julie says:

    Thank you. This might have saved my marriage. I sent it to my husband to read.


  6. I just told my husband that I have a lump in my breast. He’s mad at me. He’s no longer speaking to me. That IS IS A SHITTY HUSBAND!


    • Patti says:

      Just saw this. Hope that you are doing well and all is/will be ok. The morning of my breast biopsy and lumpectomy I drove myself to the hospital because my husband was “required” to participate in a (army) battalion run. Most of the time he is a great husband (albeit not on my recent birthday) but I can’t seem to forgot the memory of that preop morning and how scared I was. Fortunately my biopsy was benign but I wonder how he would have handled it if it was otherwise. Sending prayers and good positive thoughts in your direction.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Michelle says:

    I am only to vol 8. And i have cried many times. It’s like your the voice i wish were in my husband’s head. My husband and i are going through all of this. He is a complete alpha, and even if i strategically get him to read this he will call it stupid and call you a pussy. Lol
    I desperately want my marriage to work, but he isnt going to change. I know this. I just dont want my kids growing up in a dysfunctional broken home like me. And well, if he is a shitty husband, i can only imagine how shitty of an ex husband he is going to be. I fear it honestly. But these blogs are truly helping me see that im not the crazy unpleaseable woman i am accused of being on a daily basis.
    Thank you.


  8. Epicac77 says:

    LOL. Your self-righteous, man-hating, neo-feminist viewpoint that a man should unilaterally accommodate every last desire of his significant other is laughable. Your presumption that if a man asks, NAY expects a modicum of consideration for his own desires then he is a “shitty husband” is hypocritical given that we both know you would never dare call a woman a “shitty wife” were the EXACT ROLES reversed. Your marriage failed. Deal with it in a better way than trying to convince men at large that you have had some kind of epiphony, your ex-wife is a saint and all men are evil at the core. We can all do better by our significant others and we can all learn to truly appreciate what we have including the wife that works 50 hours a week to provide a good life and the husband who still finds his wife attractive after a decade and tries to show it at an inopportune time while the wife is trying to watch NCIS. And we can do this WITHOUT being made to feel guilty for being human beings with limited time on this planet and a desire not to be subservient to another human being but instead find as much enjoyment for ourselves as possible during our brief stint on this mortal coil. See how I reversed your roles there to make my point, asshat? :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • MCB says:

      Thank you so much! I cried when I read this. You get it! Gentlemen, It take two to make a marriage. Both need to put the other first. Both have to give 100% Ask your self, has she tried? Who is the priority in your life? You or her? Can you show empathy when she tries to have a heart to heart talk with you? Have you tried to walk a mile in her shoes? I know that I shut down and stop listening or caring about my husband only after trying to work it out with him; only to fall on deaf ears. You can’t expect someone to listen to you if you can’t listen to them.Why should she give 100%, if you only give 25-75%? Marriage is like a house plant, if you don’t take care of it, it will die.


      • Cartoonbear says:

        Of course it can cut both ways! I dont think that was OP’s point–that men have somehow found themselves newly required to accommodate women’s every whim. I read this as a simcere attempt to make sense of what went wrong in his marriage and try and warn others to be more mindful of the attention they pay to their relationships. Its good advice not just for marriage but parenting and friendships too.

        My marriage with my first husband effectively ended when I was sitting beside my father’s literal deathbed and he demanded I come home to take care of our toddler because it was so unfair and selfish he had not had a break that day. We stayed together another six years or so after that, but that broke it for real.

        Every one of us could use a reminder now and then that it is no bad thing to think, before you open your mouth, how would I feel if this situation were reversed? It isnt a male female thing, it is a person thing.

        Liked by 1 person

    • J says:

      @Epicac77 – I take it you’re single then…


    • Karrot says:

      Maybe you have a shitty wife, if you are feeling the same from a man’s point of view …this article is utterly true from a females perspective. What I interpreted about the game scenario is that a person does not have to give up everything for their spouse, but they need to be mindful to not selfishly keep choosing themselves over and over and over and over again, and enjoy their spouse and enjoy being with them. Otherwise it’s just a business partnership with a lot of rules. who wants to stay in a partnership that has met so few needs and is detrimental almost to a persons psych because they are so ignored? ( this is how I feel and interperreted that scenario-I think it was an example of the attitude toward the spouse and I don’t think it was an isolate incident.)


    • Karrot says:

      Maybe you have a shitty wife, if you are feeling the same from a man’s point of view …this article is utterly true from a females perspective. What I interpreted about the game scenario is that a person does not have to give up everything for their spouse, but they need to be mindful to not selfishly keep choosing themselves over and over and over and over again, and enjoy their spouse and enjoy being with them. Otherwise it’s just a business partnership with a lot of rules. who wants to stay in a partnership that has met so few needs and is detrimental almost to a persons psych because they are so ignored? ( this is how I feel and interperreted that scenario-I think it was an example of the attitude toward the spouse and I don’t think it was an isolated incident of not wanting to be with his wife.)


    • Ella says:

      Agreed. This blog starts with the premise that women are goddesses and men are failures.

      I think “asshat” feels like a failure and is trying to perceive himself as getting above that by putting men in general in the failure catagory.

      I think he experienced deep rejections and feelings of inferiority from his mother. He will forever be stuck in this dynamic of trying to overcome being a failure. He will never overcome it though, because that would mean the dynamic/process of overcoming would end. People gravate to the familiar, whether comfortable or not, and this dynamic his is familiar. Sad, but it’s his choice. And to keep himself in this headspace, he’s chosen an impossible task: make the indignant, superior, entitled type of woman like him. Not going to happen, dude. Nor is trying to convince men at large that they suck. You may get a lot of women who agree with your viewpoint, and that might make you feel temporarily good about yourself, but these women aren’t in your life. What you seek is a wife who loves you. Leave this battle. Look for a woman who isn’t fussy, isn’t a victim, and simply enjoys your company. But he won’t. He wants that type of woman he sees as above him to raise him up and she never will.

      Women can be bitches. Some women who read this blog truely are victims. But many women are seeking fulfillment of a void within themselves that no one could ever feel. A dude sounds like he WAS a good husband.


      • Matt says:

        I don’t think you know me very well. But if you want to know instead of guess wrong, you can just ask.

        You can start by NOT assuming things I wrote four years ago (this post, for example) in between separation and divorce represent the entirety of what I’ve written here.

        Liked by 1 person

      • BillyS says:

        Women aren’t always wonderful? Their every desire should not be worshiped? That is heresy!

        Try communicating with a wife who shuts out for years. Try making any progress when your wife never serves you for joy, only out of obligation. That will destroy a marriage no matter how good you are.

        This post misses far more than it hits.


        • BillyS says:

          I should have clarified, I was speaking to the base post. I agree with the reply here. Women are just as fallen and prone to error as men. Men are just as imperfect as women.

          Focusing solely on the imperfection of a man will lead to idiotic claims. It may make some women feel good, but it will really nail the kids, especially as they see how things really were when they are older.


    • Louise says:

      You can’t spell. Epiphany not epiphony. Also, you are mean.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Paul says:

    I guess I’m one of those shitty husbands, and really I take that as a compliment. Married 49 years and maybe had sex a couple of times, the war department (wife) has been mad at me for along time. I have no interest in sex, intimacy or any thing that has to do with sex. Not gay or have other women, just myself and I like me. I’ve always had problems with erections and climaxing was an effort, I figured that’s just me. All these years my wife and I lived separately I always camped out in the basement and she has the master bedroom on the second floor. We haven’t talked to each other in years! I told her years ago she could leave if she wanted or have a boy or girl friend, I didn’t care. She’s still living in the house so I guess the arrangement is fine with her. Now at 70 and really still don’t care what ever happen’s happen’s. I’m not on this earth to make her happy, it’s me that counts.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Dave says:

    My wife sent me this a couple of nights ago and said it pretty much explains how she feels and how it came to be. Reading it makes sense and I can identify actions and inactions that would have led to where we are now: 21 yrs of marriage and devotion on the verge of destruction.
    Although your blog is great and allows us men (those who want to) to understand our wifes, I am still searching for that blog that explains how I feel and why I behaved a certain way.
    The analogy here for me is like this:
    – to save my marriage I must ensure the toilet seat is always down. Yet we are both capable of raising and lowering the seat as required…
    I have been a shitty husband, I do not deny it, but also a good one and I understand my wife needs better now.
    How can I explain to her she was a shitty wife? That some of her actions made me be distant? I cannot say anything, because that would be the end. So now I must ensure the toilet seat is always down until I no longer care…

    Hopefully some lucky husband read this blog in time, managed to save his marriage and can testify the relationship has balanced itself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bearded12 says:

      Hey Dave,
      We are all shitty husbands from time to time and all wives are shitty from time to time, but you are not allowed to suggest that in our feminist utopia (or distopia, if you’re a bloke).
      We live in a world where men’s feelings, thoughts, concerns, instincts and opinions don’t matter. Women are told they are special and deserve better than you and me, so this breed huge discontent. Until a woman can wake up from this lie, I’m afraid your choices are put up and shut up (which will destroy your masculine soul, or leave/allow her to leave which will also destroy your masculine soul. Until we as a culture leave behind the current woman-worship, we are doomed to shitty relationships and families. If you feel this way, thank a feminist.


    • Cartoonbear says:

      Because you use the toilet both with seat up AND with seat down. So down should be the default.

      I so wish we could all just step back from ourselves and our rage for long enough to get the bigger picture. I have struggled with this issue my whole life–when am I being selfish and when are my rights geing trampled on? If you figure out the answer about how to make the distinction, let us know.


      • BillyS says:

        And women are great about putting the top part of the seat down, right?

        I always put the seat all the way down, yet it took years to get my wife to do that and then it was only grudgingly. Another sign of female selfishness, not male laxness.


    • greyghost says:

      Stop caring she is not worthy of you.


  11. Tr says:

    Reading this blog, I’m a bit confused by some of the comments. I am a woman. I am married. My husband is a self proclaimed asshole. I fully agree with him. After reading the blog though I see where I was wrong. I knew he was an asshole. He told me. He knew what I wanted from a relationship. I told him. He claimed he was capable of giving me what I had asked. We married, had 4 great kids. He continues to be the asshole I married, but without keeping his other promise. Thats what I got from the blog. If you are a shitty husband, your wife knew it and played obliviousness or chose to accept it. Men if your wife told you her expectations in the beginning of the relationship and you didn’t make good, then that’s on you. In my situation, I was honest. Maybe honest to a fault. But I married him. He married me. So here we are. He’s still an asshole. And I’m the asshole for believing the asshole. I have been wrong many many times. As he has also. We are human, humans err, often. The problem here isn’t self serving, or taking advantage of the short time we have on this planet for self fulfillment. Its about mutual respect and a lack of personal responsibility of our actions and responses to the people we claim to love forever. Vows are not just a piece of paper, they are a promise to hold that person in higher regard than anyone else. How is putting a poker game or fantasy football more important than your wife and children? Sure that’s what your interested in. I don’t knock that, but in the broader scope of life what will leave the greater memory? Having a loving wife who respects you, and a child who looks up to you? Or a winning team or the bragging rights and some money for a poker tournament? Yes money is great, but at what expense? I don’t see that he made his ex a saint by any means. He just realized her requests were small and his response made him smaller. I am not a saint. At times I’ve been shiity too. I made my concerns known from the beginning. If he couldn’t handle it , he should have moved on, or at least told me. But he played the role and was the MAN. Lol I didn’t need the MAN. I needed a friend, a partner, someone I longed to respect and hold in high regard. What I got was less than OK. So after some time I turned into the shitty wife. I struggle with my new title. But I now have to accept what I’ve allowed myself to become. As he has to accept , now that he knows he royally messed up, how our marriage now has thorns and swears where there used be soft caresses and kind words. We are both at fault. Blame never solves anything. It just makes it easier to justify our fuck ups. Don’t be the asshole. Be the one who sees what can be corrected. The one who sees that time is of the essence, and is very short. Miss the tournament. Put down the dishes. Respect your husband. Respect your wife. Take time to see your future. Before it becomes your past.


    • BillyS says:

      Many women do chose true assholes by choice, leaving the many “nice guys” in the dust. Some women create them by their own actions and attitudes. I hope yours is the latter, but you are right that you chose what you got a long time ago.

      That is something often lost in posts like the OP.


    • Travis C says:

      “I didn’t need the MAN. I needed a friend, a partner, someone I longed to respect and hold in high regard. ”

      Hey this is an interesting perspective for a shitty husband. Didn’t occur to me. Man is expected to provide so it’s built into our first-response gene I guess. Too busy “providing” didn’t see this coming. Thanks.


  12. Lost and Alone says:

    I am there now I want to leave my husband. I am tired of the constant abandonment I feel. Thank God we have no kids. I realized I can’t do this I told him about this blog even said he should read it, he said he doesn’t want to. I read him a few posts. He completely missed the points and looked at me saying “oh so are you fantasizing over other men?” It is all good and well when you can realize these things but perhaps he will realize them once I am gone. I doubt it though I am sure he will go back to dating like in the past and be just fine.


    • Patti says:

      Married 17 years. Yesterday was my birthday. After a brutal late day at work (teaching), picking up my daughter from dance and then picking up a prescription med for my ear infection I arrived home. Dishes piled up in the sink (broken dish washer awaiting repair), dogs and kids not fed, husband in a bad mood sitting at the counter eating peanuts. Mad that I am late and haven’t started his chili for chili competition at his job the next day. So mad that he tells me that he “is not in the mood to celebrate your (my) birthday”. No cake with candles. No singing. No nice dinner. Cards from my daughter’s only. Lots of tears as I silently wash the dishes etc. At 11:50 pm that night I climb out of bed while others sleep and go downstairs to the kitchen. Take a small slice of old cheesecake from the fridge, stick a candle in it, and sing happy birthday to myself. That was my birthday dinner.


      • Matt says:

        I’m so sorry, Patti. That sounds like a wretched way to experience your birthday.

        It’s not okay.

        I hope today is better for you, and that something wonderful happens for you to feel good about.

        Always ups and downs. The downs are so hard. That’s when we need our people the most — whoever they are.

        Whatever and whoever centers you when other things are not, I hope you have the opportunity to be with or speak with them today.

        If you ended up making that chili for him, I want to tip my hat to you for being that caliber of human being.

        A person can’t give like that forever while getting nothing in return, but in that moment? Pretty impressive show of strength, I’d say.

        Happy birthday, Patti.

        Here’s to strength and good things.


        • Patti says:

          Chili got made. It gave me something to do and focus on. He feels bad today but he should. Daughters are very sad. So am I. I am not a demanding person, it would not have taken much to make a birthday celebration. Too late now.


          • Matt says:

            Kind of heroic. Cheers to you.


          • BillyS says:


            How would you like it if he had that attitude when you messed up? Or do you never mess up?

            Holding grudges in a marriage will kill it.


            • Kristi says:

              It sounds like her husband was the one holding a grudge because she didn’t make his chili right away. She went to work with a painful ear infection and then ran late because she had to pick up a prescription for herself and had to pick up her daughter at class. It’s not clear why he thought the chili would already be done when she was at work all day and had to run errands after work. Maybe he should have helped move things along by getting their daughter and picking up the prescription himself. He got home before his wife did, so he had free time, but he didn’t bother fixing the dishwasher or doing the dishes or getting dinner started (or maybe starting the chili himself) instead he sat around eating peanuts and getting angry. He held a grudge by refusing to celebrate her birthday anyway. And his wife still made the chili. She was only writing about that bad evening the following morning, I wouldn’t exactly call that holding a grudge after the way he treated her. He should have showed some remorse for that and made it up to her the next day. If not, then hopefully she made it up to herself. Maybe with a nice spa day or something.

              Liked by 1 person

              • BillyS says:

                He may have been. I wasn’t there. But I also know that seeing something from both sides tends to give a much different picture.

                She proclaimed she would hold a grudge until next year at least, that is far more than a day.

                I would agree that he sounds like a jerk in the story, but I also know that women use such stories all the time to make decent guys sound like trash. Some really are, but many just have bad days that get written in long term storage of their wives, ready to trot out anytime they make a mistake.

                “He feels bad today and he should” sounds very vindictive to me. It certainly sounds like he was out of line, but no information was given about why he whacked out. Not good to do either way, but perhaps he had a reason, perhaps not. No information given on what his “feeling bad” meant.

                I have seen language like this blasting some very honorable guys in the past, so I am very skeptical now.

                I would rather see them reconcile and (re)build a solid connection, even if just for their daughter’s sake.

                Lots of questions I could ask of her, but I doubt I would get answers and I have no desire to argue the issue. I was just asking if she showed the same compassion she wanted. I saw no sign of that.


      • tobe says:

        Patti, Happy Birthday to you!!! I’m so sorry you had a bad day :( Very happy you treated yourself to the cake and the candle. LOVE YOURSELF! I can’t believe you made the Chili still.I would’ve did that too lol but probably not the answer. It’s like giving in to a child having a tantrum. I hope you guys talk about what happened and your husband understands how hurt you were. Don’t keep these things bottled up. I think it’s wonderful to do things for our loved ones. But it should not be expected – it should be appreciated though! Hugs!!


  13. Jon says:

    I stumbled on this and I know it’s four years old. But dude you are wrong. You shouldn’t have to give up everything you love in life to be married. Not being perfect is acceptable. And always giving up your pastimes in favor of her whims is not a virtue. Don’t you see it’s your wife who was the ass.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Karrot says:

      Dude-he isn’t saying give up everything for your spouse. What I interpreted about the game scenario is that a person does not have to give up everything for their spouse, but they need to be mindful to not selfishly and keep choosing themselves over and over and over and over again, and enjoy their spouse and enjoy being with them. Otherwise it’s just a business partnership with a lot of rules. who wants to stay in a partnership that has met so few needs and is detrimental almost to a persons psych because they are so ignored? ( this is how I feel and interperreted that scenario-I think it was an example of the attitude toward the spouse and I don’t think it was an isolate incident.) He doesn’t have to give up his needs, he just needs to not focus on his needs only and have a relationship with his family. Enjoy them for who they are.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Scott F. says:

    I was a shitty husband. I even posted on here… long ago. My marriage was failing, I was depressed, and this blog really helped me.

    Where am I at now? Well, our divorce was final on August 29th, 2016. She had a boyfriend, and I had dated a number of women. We actually got along with each other quite well.

    And then back in January, she sent me a text. Said “I think I made a big mistake”, she had broken things off with her boyfriend, said “I never gave you the chance you deserved” – (It’s a long story, but our relationship effectively ended with us living 1,200 miles apart).

    And here we are now. Two months later, dating each other again. It wasn’t easy, but I don’t regret it for a minute, I taught myself how to be a better man/husband, and I will never make the mistakes I made before.

    Will it work? Dunno, I hope so. But I’m just grateful for the chance to make it work. We were married for 13 1/2 years, I didn’t want to throw that away.

    Thank you for the great blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. That Wife says:

    I totally get where your coming from, but what about your wife’s part in it, she probably wasn’t perfect. Maybe she was, and in that case, she is better than I! Just this week my husband and I (we have been together 13 years-married for 10- have decided it’s finally over. Something I continue to struggle with is that I believe that we are in this together 50/50! I am a go big or go home type of personality, I give everything 110% or 0% ( and leave that for later). We both work full time jobs, and my job comes home with me almost every day and is home with me on weekends, too. I teach 4th grade, so there are always papers to grade and lesson plans to write and data to analyze. When I noticed that we started to argue (more than the stupid little disagreements, it was always about the same thing-I wanted attention, affection, and I wanted him to show me that he loved me. His answer to that was that I nag him. I continued to get mad, and our arguments started to become about other things, him not doing what he promised (deposit money into the account-checks bounced- just day to day things. Still I wanted his attention, but he said that I nagged him about doing the things he said he would do ( I wanted them done when he said he would do them, and he didn’t want to be nagged). We have 3 children (our oldest is from my previous relationship-but he is the only dad she ever knew- he was with us before she turned 2). He plays with the kids, and he is he fun one because he doesn’t discipline. He cooks dinner at least 4 nights a week. He goes to work every day, and school two nights a week. I know I have changed, I feel like my personality has gotten hard. I know I complained when he didn’t keep up his end of the bargain. I probably shouldn’t have nagged so much, and I can be a hot head these days-I go from calm to angry in less than 5 seconds when it comes to him. He said that he doesn’t talk to or spend time with me because he is basically trying to make it through the day without saying something that “sets me off”. So here I was getting madder and madder because he was telling me he was trying, and I was trying to save our marriage. I was coming home from work earlier, going to bed earlier so we could cuddle or at least relax together. I texted and called him on my lunch break and after school. When I did all this and he didn’t respond (he said I would b*tch if he did or said something I didn’t like, so he didn’t say much to me), I got more angry still. I shut down, and I decided I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I probably pushed him away so it would hurt less in the end. I know I am a lot to handle, and I know I am a witch (my mom always said no one would ever love me if I didn’t change-Mommas know best). I guess I feel like we were both trying but had different ideas of what trying was. I hated that he would spend hours playing a video game, and could spend 30 minutes in adult conversation with me. He said talking with me is hard because I correct his grammar sometimes. I struggle to think that maybe I wanted it both ways- I wanted to have a husband who protects me and makes me feel safe and loved, but it’s 2017- do I really expect him to protect me?? I guess after things started to be different I started to push him away by being mad, but I was saying to him I want you to try harder. I don’t know…all I know is that when I read your post (I googled failed marriage and divorce) you sounded like you were hard on yourself. I used to buy him cards for no reason, other than just to say I loved him. I saved my extra money and planned weekend trips and vacations. I planned all our date nights. This went on for a while- and then I expected him to do some of that but he didn’t so I got mad. That wasn’t his thing, he never did any of those things, so I had to no right to get mad just because I thought he would catch on and start to do those things too. I did talk with him about how much I would love and appreciate it if he would. Maybe it’s similar to the situation with your ex, she was the one who loved to be outside, that wasn’t always your thing, why should she expect you just to do it because she did? I am a planner, a type A personality, so I would like to plan out how this separation will go, as well as the divorce! That’s what I would like to gain from reading through your experiences-well I mean not totally because I am sure it will be different for male vs a female. However it sounds to me like you still have feelings, or possibly did at one time, and I still love my husband, but I can’t continue to number 1 be lonely in a marriage, and number 2 know that I make a person (whom I love) feel like they have to walk on egg shells because of me, so to be fair to both of us, I will push through with the separation. You see he is the type to not let things bother him. He is just fine to be with or without me, so he will be ok. I left for 2 weeks (about 5 years ago- because I was so lonely), and went to stay with my parents. I ended up going home because I missed him, I missed sleeping beside him. He said he didn’t mind if I came home, but if I was happier with my parents that he was ok if I stayed there too! The kids and I went to visit family last summer (he couldn’t go because he doesn’t have Summer’s off like we do). There was no fighting, just went to visit my parents. I built it up in my min that when we came in the house he might be so happy to see me (because I was so happy to see him) that he would hug and squeeze me, but that’s not what the homecoming was like at all. I ended up sad over that, and he pointed out that he didn’t do anything for me to be mad about, he never said he was going to do that, and he doesn’t think like that. He said he was happy to see me and helped me carry the bags in. Does that make me the shitty wife for wanting something that was my idea and all in my head based on what I wanted? He was right, I didn’t tell him what I wanted, so I didn’t have the right to be upset by his greeting. As Inwrite this and get it all out, it does make me question a little more….was I the shitty wife????


    • Ella says:

      It sounds like your husband gave up awhile ago. He doesn’t make an effort, and if you question him about why, he says it’s your fault (he didn’t want to say anything because something might set you off, etc.). It sounds like he just got comfortable with his day-to-day existence and one that didn’t include closeness with you.

      I don’t think you’re to blame. It’s most likely a progression of how the two of you interact together, and how both weren’t having needs met over time (some of this can simply be life events–kids, work, etc.). A lot of people, men and women, go to anger quickly when their needs are not met over and over again, despite efforts. It sounds like your husband, instead of going to angry, just buries himself away, just shuts everything out.

      I think you should go to marital counseling together. Find someone good (read reviews, if possible) and decide if you and he would be more comfortable with a male or female therapist. You decide this, and you plan this. Don’t expect his input, as it sounds like he’s too far gone for that at the moment. If he doesn’t agree to go right away, go by yourself for a few sessions and ask the therapist how to reapproach him about it.

      I bet your husband does love you, it’s just buried under layer and layers of these buffers he puts around himself to retreat from things. Obviously, you shouldn’t be the only one to make the effort, but my thought is his effort may take a little more time.

      I can’t say what the right thing is to do, but you’re giving up a lot of you give up your marriage. Years from now, you won’t be able to sit with your grandchildren together and enjoy being grandparents. Your children graduating, getting married, having babies–all these life events you’ll both be attending from separate lives, likely with other people, complete strangers at the moment and who will never share the one the two of you have with your family.

      Well, just my thought. I wish you the best. You are not a witch.


      • BillyS says:

        A key thing is to make sure you can receive the loving things he does (or tries to do) for you. Those may be less if he always got slapped down for attempts, or at least it seemed to him like he was slapped down, but I would be they are still there.

        I am completely convinced it is not the bad things that are done, but the failure to appreciate the good things that are done, that do in many marriages.


      • RiiP says:

        Of course shes to blame, he never done any of those things that she was mad about him not doing in the begining of the relationship. THATS who she married, now your mad at him years later for being the person he always was? Wheres the logic?


      • BillyS says:

        It is also vitally important that women be completely clear about what she expects, and doesn’t go ballistic if something is seen as unrealistic. Men may know quite a bit about their spouse, including how and why they act, but they are still not mind readers.

        I would definitely agree with the idea of seeking restoration to your husband. Not being able to be with grandchildren together (for the most part at least) will be a huge hit to your own children.

        I know I did get ticked at my ex-wife when she had only called me once, for a very brief call when she was gone for a week or so with her family. It was clear I was a distant second to them (very clear now that she is with them full time). She did things in and would probably say many of the same things you did.

        I don’t know your husband, but hopefully he would really work things out if you are really willing to listen and hear what you have not been able to see as well. It will not work however if you only focus on telling him what he did wrong.

        Hope that makes sense.


  16. Melissa says:

    I wish my husband had the same emotional intelligence as you. He works and I go to school right now, so I feel like I have to be comfortable with everything. I feel like I put so much effort into making him happy and giving him his space that every once in a while I realize that he’s talking to his friends and playing video games more often than even realizing that I’m even around. We’re on vacation right now and got into an argument and sleeping in different rooms. I’m so pissed off and wish he’d just try to make me feel better. He’s such an ass and I wish he wasn’t.


    • BillyS says:

      Have you ever tried to make him feel better? Have you ever really apologized when you have been wrong (such as after throwing a fit)? Or is he the only one who must make you feel better?

      Do you tell him you are fine if he asks before going to play his games? Don’t expect a guy to read your mind and know that you are lying when you say that. (My ex-wife did that all the time.)

      And does he really refuse to give you any attention or does he just want you to wait until he can be interrupted? Some games work bad if you just drop when someone comes in the room, especially if others are counting on you.


  17. I can really relate to this. I am currently in the process of a “conscious uncoupling”. I’m fed up and have spent many exhausting years trying to explain these exact situations and trying to save a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to stop doing his selfish man shit.


    • BillyS says:

      Have you really explained them? Or have you just thought you explained them and had most of it just being clear in your own head? That is far more common in all areas of life, if you read on other relationship discussions.

      Men cannot read minds anymore than women can. Expressing something only when you are angry is not likely to really get the point across. How many calm conversations have you had asking for general things you believe you need?

      My own marriage failed because my wife never did that, even when I outright asked her what she would want. I am sure she would say the same as you, that I never listened, but that was not true.

      She even admitted at times that she didn’t think I was listening if I didn’t agree with her. Have you done the same to your husband? You may have not seen reality if so. He will never always agree anymore than you will always agree. True and accurate communication is a lot harder than most realize.


  18. Ss says:

    You have an amazing insight now. While I was reading your article, I felt like I was reading about my life. I wish my husband would wake up before it’s too late. I love him more than anything but I’m tired of crying because I feel unloved and not important to him. He is supposedly my soul mate.
    Thanks for sharing. I am sure it will help some marriages


  19. lizinatl says:

    Remarried at 50. First few years were fun. Now I am in line behind my husband’s endless projects, golf outings most Saturdays, and hunt camps that go all through the Fall. Who gets married to sit home alone. It’s a sexless, boring marriage. Single and happy was much better. I don’t matter to my husband at all. Time to consider myself.


  20. psclaus says:

    I can relate to all of this. My marriage has been over for twenty years. I have a glimmer in the back of my mind that something will happen, and I won’t care any more. For me holidays mean nothing, mothers day is a joke. Don’t even discuss a birthday, Costs too much money to buy a card. He sleeps in the bed , I on the couch. The slightest things set him off. I have no family to talk to, daughters could care less too. Have no where to go, I am stuck until I die. Really what do you expect I’m just a stupid woman , who has been used over and over again.


    • Donegoner says:

      Have you tried sucking his dick once in awhile


      • Tiip says:

        Doneboner is that your general issue? Didn’t get your dick sucked enough? I can tell you with absolute certainty if the amount of shit that comes out of your asshole is anywhere close to what comes out of your mouth(and written as a comment on a blog) I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near the line of fire either.


  21. Vaneasa says:

    You are a sad, sad man.


  22. Don Julio says:

    I am in a place where my marriage is in it’s last days and I’m learning to come to some hard truths about myself and my mistakes.

    It’s a difficult and brutal thing to really try and do a post-mortem of your behavior over the years and second guess what you did, and although it is easier with the benefit of hindsight, it’s still not easy to know if your call is unfair to yourself or your wife. If the latter, you’re not really learning the right lesson and if the latter, then you missed the point.

    I admire Matt for his honesty and being bold enough to take responsibility. But, i can’t help but get a sense that there’s some “I’m going to be the very beacon of redemption by publicly flagellating myself.”

    It is true, you can’t leave your spouse feeling alone. But, just info like that is basically useless. The trick is carrying it out in real life. I know that all too well.

    There was something important to Matt going on and his wife wanted something else. There will be other nice days in the year. There won’t be another Masters. I’d understand if it were something like “the Mets are playing” which is far from a one time event. Matt wanted one day. He committed the grand crime of being a husband that asked for something and wanted something that his wife didn’t. As if he were an independent person, or something.

    I don’t believe the intended lesson was “You’re an asshole unless your only answer is ‘yes, Dear.'” Because that will just be a very different kind of poison to swallow.

    If this story is taken at face value, how is it not a parable of an asshole wife? Why is the husband the asshole? She didn’t do any better than you did, and quite arguably worse unless that was going to be the only nice day that year.

    Is the harder truth that you both did more or less the same thing, but that one could accept the other’s need (you were Ok with you wife doing her own thing) and the other could not? I understand it is not particularly fashionable to have a blog about “my ex wife done me wrong” (yet it would be *totally* fine if an ex wife did) so you can’t say that, but if anyone did anything wrong here–and I am not sure anyone did–(aha! people can want things without finger pointing!!) wouldn’t that actually be closer to the case?

    Just my two cents. But what the hell do I know? My marriage ended too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • BillyS says:

      It is because women are saints, by definition, in the eyes of many. Men must be wrong if they are unhappy, right?

      My wife would get very mad when she came in to talk to me while I was in the middle of a game. I told her several times that I would be happy to give her time, just let me find a breakpoint, but she was always ticked if I didn’t immediately drop everything, even if the delay was a few seconds, let alone several minutes.

      A wife’s expectations need a reality check in many cases, though others hearing the story are sure to think the husband is at fault due to the false ideas permeating our culture.


  23. Starfire says:

    Thank you. These are all the things I feel but had a hard time articulating. You were able not to only articulate what the problems are but how they affect us and why we need the things we need. Awesome. Thank you.


  24. Donegoner says:

    what a pussy. woman worshipping candy ass bitch


    • Matt says:

      All you idiots coming from Dalrock’s page have got to get a life.

      Use your brain before typing things. Check dates and stuff. Learn shit before you expose yourself.

      Please find something better to do with your life than call total strangers names on the internet.

      Also, learn how to hyphenate, for fuck’s sake.


  25. BillyS says:

    I feel most sorrow for your children. They have a wimp for a dad.

    You don’t have to bad mouth your ex-wife, for she still is their mother, but taking all the blame yourself is setting them up for failure if they never learn that your unrealistic expectations were just that.

    Their own relationships will be toast if they try to obtain what you glorify (the opposite of the things you note) without the context to realize relationships are a lot more complex than that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Donegoner says:

      He won’t hear this because he is thin skinned. He doesn’t want to hear it because it interferes with his humble brag. He won’t consider it because he is a hypocrite who employs all the tactics he will try to shame you for. He can’t relate because, like a woman, he doesn’t act on reason but on emotions, with his being his only compass. Wimp times one hundred. It’s so pathetic and its alarming that he has an audience, albeit a bunch of discontent females stroking his fragile being


      • Matt says:

        I’m going to spell it out for you because you and your friend Billy seem to need a little assistance.

        1. I got divorced four years ago and it was hard. Fuck you. I’m 38. I know the difference between easy and hard. I didn’t make it harder than it needed to be. I didn’t overreact. My marriage ended. I lost half my son’s childhood. It was hard. Eat a dick.

        2. This post you’re commenting on (foolishly, since you lack the discipline to NOT comment on things that don’t matter to you) was written in my first week of blogging here in the middle of divorce. More than four years ago. FOUR. I would not have written this post today. It’s a fucking snapshot, not something I’m pushing out there.

        3. You might not want to hear this, but the reason there’s an audience is because I can help a person struggling in their relationships at home understand WHY some of it is happening. Writing some of these things occasionally helps someone make sense of why their lives are in turmoil. And sometimes, they learn a new way to think, communicate with, or treat their spouse or partner to avoid divorce, which can be a complete and total shit-show.

        So, to recap: It is my goal to help people not feel shitty every day and not experience the breakup of homes and families, and to learn something new that can help them.

        And it would appear YOUR goal is to be a raging cockface in internet comments because you think your beliefs or gender makes you better than other people.

        I can sleep at night with that being the arrangement. But I think there’s a better life out there to live, and I hope you’ll try to find it.


        • Donegoner says:



        • BillyS says:

          Let me play the world’s smallest violin for you Matt. Maybe you really are as bad as you say. Your reply certainly reinforces that. I had a marriage of almost 30 years blow up on me recently, so don’t paint me your sob story. I could give you a whole bunch more if you like, but you don’t deserve it.

          My own mother didn’t say much bad about my dad, but I grew up thinking the father was always at fault. I have since realized my own father got really screwed over in things. He definitely had his flaws, but he was not the real problem in both his divorces (my mother and step-mother both filed for no valid reason).

          Stuff happened and you are going to take all the blame yourself? Enjoy it. Your children will pay and continue to pay for your idiocy. They want a dad, not a wimp. Yeah, life sucks. So what? You can’t do anything about the past, so focus on the future. Not watching a ball game would not have done squat to save your marriage.

          Why is the wife the holy goddess of the marriage anyway? Everything she says is perfect and most be obeyed? That is working so well for our society, right?

          I hope you open your eyes some day, but that doesn’t seem likely now.

          I am not a huge fighter, but I would strongly encourage you not say crap like your post to my face. You are certainly free to disagree, but being a shit about it shows you are not a man. You are likely male, but being a man is far more than just bad talking those who are sick of modern society being drug through the trash by people like you.


          • Matt says:

            You think I’m dragging modern society through the trash?
            You think me writing in the FIRST PERSON about my own actual life is some attack on you?
            You think I used “fighting words” because I told that genius “Donegoner” to eat a dick?
            Listen, Billy. Maybe you’re an awesome, stand-up guy. I have no idea.
            But “Donegoner”? He rolled in here with all the hallmark, low-intellect insults all you Red Pill/MGTOW guys use.
            I told him “Fuck you,” and to “Eat a dick,” and if you want to accuse me of being juvenile and undisciplined for that, you go right ahead. But I don’t take it back. That guy can eat a GARGANTUAN dick.
            You seem like infinitely less of an asshole than he does, and possibly even than I do, though I don’t like your deductive reasoning on display, so much.
            I have, like, 700K words published here and other places totally spelling out all of my beliefs.
            Your lack of context and understanding is apparent when you suggest that I believe my marriage ended because I watched a ballgame. It’s apparent when you suggest I say women are goddesses of the marriage. It’s apparent when you suggest I say women are perfect and must be obeyed.
            And you expose yourself as an Us vs. Them guy with sexist leanings when you say “that is working so well for our society.”
            “Donegoner” earned whatever I said to him. If you want to defend his honor or whatever, that’s cool, I guess.
            I’d appreciate if you’d figure out what I actually believe before guessing wrong and then getting pissed about it.
            I’d suggest asking me. But your initial questions were so far off-base, one can only assume your goal isn’t to understand, but to attempt to invalidate people’s experiences in internet comments.
            This place is about helping people understand things they don’t understand if what happened in my marriage aligns with what happened in their’s. It’s perfectly okay if you’ve had different experiences. I didn’t say yours were bullshit and didn’t happen.
            Maybe you could consider the same tactic.


  26. wannabemgtow says:

    You’re right! We don’t have to be shitty husbands……WE DON’T HAVE TO BE HUSBANDS AT ALL!! DON’T GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE! ITS SLAVERY….A FRAUD.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      While I think you’re being a little harsh (and totally impractical in the context of society at large where about 95 percent of people marry), I applaud enthusiastically the notion that we don’t have to get married.

      We don’t. Zero rules, there. So many people have shitty marriages because they felt as if they HAD to get married (religious or social pressure), married young and before they were personally ready, and then life sucked and a bunch of people got damaged in the process.

      I’m a huge advocate of not getting married if you don’t think you’re going to be very good at it, or if the general parameters of marriage don’t appeal to you.

      Not getting married is a perfectly valid and acceptable choice.

      What is NOT valid and acceptable is what actually happens out there. More than 9 out of 10 people marrying VOLUNTARILY, and then being assholes to the person they promised to love forever.

      It’s a huge problem and — most of the time — it’s a huge problem that is happening 100% by accident. No one intends to suck at marriage. They just accidentally suck at it, like surgeons who never went to med school, or like little kids who are finger painting.

      With more than 90 percent of the population being affected by something, I think it makes more sense to encourage people to do it well, then to discourage them from doing it at all.

      Liked by 1 person

  27. RiiP says:

    IF you were a fukin man youd still be married, but your not, your wife is (was) in charge of your marriage. If you wanna watch The Masters after just working 50 fukin hours during the week, it IS perfectly acceptable, but when your wife is the dictator of who does what at any given time in the relationship and gets resistance, we end up with someone like you, telling every husband how shitty they are hoping to come off as enlightened to the feminine imperative, cause your a BETA fukin faggot. YOUR an asshole and YOU were a shitty husband because you had no control, weather she took it from you or you just gave her the driver seat, you let it get that point, now your flabbergasted cause she wants a divorce.


    • Matt says:

      Oh, for fuck’s sake.

      Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! You’re so mad!!! But I can’t figure out why.

      2013, man. I got divorced FOUR years ago. Have a drink or go Hulk-smash something, tough guy.

      If you’re going to try to educate me, I suggest using big-boy words and spelling.

      No bigger douche move than leaving angry, childish comments on blog posts.


      • RiiP says:

        Your whole blog was an angry childish comment.


        • Matt says:

          That might be true. I’m a little childish.

          Even I think I was a whiny bitch four years ago. But the least you can do is insult four-years-ago me.

          And please don’t call me, or anyone else, a “beta faggot,” unless you can be sure we won’t sleep with your mom.


          • T says:

            Just so you know, according to the urban dictionary, commentor “dbag riip” up there actually spelled “beta phaggot” incorrectly.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Matt says:

              Oh, hell yes. Now I can be hip and “in the know” the next time I want to be a raging cocksicle to strangers on the internet.


              • Tiip says:

                Yes, yes you can.
                You can be hip, hipper than “Riip” with a cocksickle tip.


                • Matt says:

                  Since you misspelled cocksicle, I’m going to operate under the assumption that you are RiiP.

                  UNLESS. There’s, like, a sickle designed exclusively to harvest penises, and you were referring to the pointy end.

                  Since I’m charitable and shit, I’m going to go with that explanation. Penis harvester.


  28. Donegoner says:

    “when your wife is the dictator of who does what in the relationship at any given time and gets resistance, we end up with someone like you, telling every husband how shitty they are and hoping to come off as enlightened…” pure gold. The whole comment is utter truth and only a beta faggot would pick on spelling and grammar and not get that he is a total loser. hilarity! you stand by all this pansy ass shit because you are the same as FOUR years ago or else you would delete this drivel. also, you are a full blown hypocrite, act offended at name calling and vulgarity, but always self-satisfied with your own name calling and allusions to banging other peoples’ moms and so forth. LOSER EXTRAORDINAIRE.


  29. Donegoner says:

    This blog will never be the same now that men have found it.


    • Tiip says:

      Hey Doneboner, I think you may be using the word “men” a little loosely in that last statement.


      • Donegoner says:

        Nice how you said “doneBONER” you are so clever. Listen closely- when you start bashing men for being men, you are not an evolved and together being in a modern world. You are a gender confused sheep who thinks that going along with the feminist imperative will gain you the respect and attraction of women and the devotion of your wife when in reality you are a big pussy who gets only contempt from men and women alike and complete disgust from your wife. If you choose to follow the self-abasing shame based musings of a beta chump, you will have a life of continual friend-zoning if you are single and will forever beg for pussy from your disdainful wife if you are married. This is my final warning to all of you simpering wimps. This here is a place of total pussification. Quit bashing men. Don’t put men in quotes you candy ass.

        Men are an easy target in this society and the author here knows it and capitalizes on it for his shaky self esteem under the guise of helping others. He never helped anybody and this is nothing more than self-soothing through journaling like a little bitch would do in her diary, then posturing virtue in the form of stating he hopes I will one day come around to his enlightenment and how he hopes I will get it. Pathetic. It is the duty of men to expose and dismantle this.


        • Matt says:

          1. You’re responding to a woman.

          2. In the context of sexual attraction, I think we mostly agree on what women find attractive and unattractive in a dating sense; but I suspect we have RADICALLY different takes on what sustains sexual attraction long after the primal lust has worn off.

          You, my friend, seem to put zero value on SUSTAINING marriage.

          And you can use all the name-calling you want, I KNOW there’s a fundamental difference between attracting women, and then maintaining a successful and healthy relationship after six months.

          None of the people here had any trouble attracting their partners. Whatever they did, worked. They’re all divorced or in shitty marriages.

          In THREE sentences, you used the words “wimps,” “pussification,” and “candy ass.”

          It’s precisely THAT mindset that will earn you the attraction and respect of two kinds of women — low-educated and poor self-esteem. And I’m sure you can get laid as often as you want with women like that, if that’s your thing.

          I don’t assume people are assholes. I don’t assume people are out to fuck each other over.

          I assume two decent people are getting married on purpose, probably having kids, and attempting to stay married forever (otherwise, what the hell are they even doing?).

          And you can piss and moan and challenge and deny all you want…

          But I, some dude you think doesn’t know dick, DOES KNOW how the common relationship breaks down. I know why people divorce. And I know what I did in my 12-year relationship to get me to divorce.

          Just because I don’t trash my ex-wife, and just because I don’t pretend to be an expert on whatever fuck-ups women make in their relationships, does NOT mean that my wife didn’t contribute to our divorce, nor does it mean that I don’t hold women accountable for whatever bullshit they bring to the table.

          I’m a guy. I did guy things. And some percentage of those guy things which have been documented on several hundred posts and read millions of times globally, SEEM totally normal and benign because MOST guys do some or all of the same things.

          This isn’t a dating guide. This isn’t a how to get laid by as many women as possible guide.

          This isn’t a I Encourage You to Get Married guide.

          This is a STAY FUCKING MARRIED guide, courtesy of some buyer-beware stories I share, because I had no idea that things I thought were totally normal actually ruined marriages.

          And, due respect, I don’t think you know either. I think YOU think women are a problem because they sometimes complain about behaviors you think are perfectly reasonable.

          The truth lies somewhere in the middle. And I’m just trying to not have guys like me accidentally fuck up their marriages through thoughtlessness and ignorance.

          I don’t think you cherry-picking 4-year-old posts is a very intellectually honest method of deciding who or what I am.

          If you want to have a conversation about any of it, just say so. But I’m tired of acting like children in the YouTube comments.

          If you want to know what I think, or WHY I think something, fucking ask and I’ll tell you.

          THEN — you can call me a bunch of names if you don’t think I came to a sensible conclusion.

          But so far, you’re completely talking out of your ass. You haven’t a clue what I believe nor WHY I believe it.

          Don’t accuse me of being disingenuous about this. You think I make money writing this blog? Please. I sit in a corporate office like an asshole. I’d love it if I actually made any money from this.

          Capitalize, my ass. I don’t want little kids to cry because their parents got a divorce for no other reason than two adults couldn’t figure out how to communicate with one another.

          If you want to embark on some noble quest to discredit anything I write about, you might want to start with actually knowing what I write about.


  30. Donegoner says:

    Ok. I’m sorry. I’ll stop. All the best to you.


  31. Stacy Carlson says:

    I live this shit and have for almost 14 years! I live in hell, all alone! Of course my choice, no one makes me stay. Now I take care of 2 kids, a house and try to tend to me…ha ha ha with kids. Who knew I signed up to be a single married mom! Who knew someone could be a selfish ass but everyone likes that person….funny man that does as little as possible and helps himself first all the time and us second IF NEEDED! WTF is wrong with people! I could talk for years. Glad to see people relate to this crap, well really not glad because it sucks. I am not the same and will never be and always feel soooo mad. I could talk for years about some stupid crap he does and as he says “it’s all good” I HATE THAT STUPID SAYING! Good luck to you all if you are in this shitty HELL!!!


  32. Bianca says:

    Your post made me cry. My husband is just as as shitty as you were. I try to make my needs known without pointing out how shitty he is. I’ve tried looking past the shittiness and pushing on. But I just can’t take this shitty marriage anymore and he seems to be perfectly happy with it. All I can do is cry.


    • I understand what you are going through. Personally, I think it’s time woman stopped tip-toeing around their shitty husbands. If you are a shitty husband you deserved to be told so. You can’t give out shit and expect to that you will receive good stuff back. Take a stand. Some may say telling your husband to stop his bad behaviour will cause you to be miserable, but you are anyway. So why not speak up?


  33. Ree says:

    Oh my gosh! Tears in my eyes! What kind of woman walks away from a marriage like that???? I have had my first husband lie, steal and take everything from me after he filed for bankruptcy (due to investments I was not aware of) that cost me everything, including my two babys’ savings I put away. I had a house, two vacation homes, two cars & a great career that came to a fast stop- all supported by me. After my divorce, I met a man that spoke a language to me that made me fall in love. I married him….& he has cheated on me since we we became engaged and before then. I’m a beautiful woman….I hear this all the time, I please my man every way he wishes, but, after reading your article…I’m done. I think it’s all because I try too hard to please others. I wish you the same sort of revelation! Good luck!


  34. Deedee says:

    Thanks Matt!! I have the same problems. My husband didn’t go to 4 funerals and a wedding with me(yes, backwards from movie lol) all were aunts and uncles funerals and my daughter’s wedding. He then had the nerve when I refused to attend his step brother’s wedding or go to the funeral of a step uncle. He would prefer pixels and palm over me. Have had numerous discussions on this, that I wanted sex more than just once a week and that there are other parts to be touched than what is between my legs…..oh wait….He never wanted to touch that either unless it was just with his cock. He was a know it all and hard headed. My dad passed away last week and for funeral i told my husband that I wouldn’t ask him to change his schedule. He said he wanted to go and pay respects so I told him to go we have room. Funeral was out of state and he had a large job starting that week. Well…..He chose to not move his job and to not go with me to my dad’s funeral. How is that for a no good Fucking piece of shit? He also flat out lied about the situation to him mom. Told her that he had no idea why I asked him to leave. He now has sexual problems due to pixels and palm and has no integrity. Men could learn a lot from your past. A LOT was so true. I don’t know if you had pixel and palm problems as it wasn’t mentioned but it definitely falls under the Selfish Asshole Category and will ruin the intimacy of a relationship and chip away at the foundation until nothing is left. That is where I am now. It’s a shame that I didn’t come across this sooner. Although, it probably wouldn’t have mattered since I had told him on numerous occasions and what I said, just didn’t matter.


  35. Annie Sanetra says:

    Yep, to all you shitty husband’s! Stop being so stupid ! Grow up, that’s all you need to do!


  36. Bree says:

    Like many of the other women commenting I stumbled across this when I put ‘my husband is an asshole’ into google; I am not surprised there are many others like me and my husband out there. My google adventure began because I made taquitos for dinner two nights ago, our son requested I save one of the leftovers to put in his lunch today and I agreed, wrapped the two leftover taquitos in foil and placed them in the refrigerator. Last night when I went to find the taquitos to make my sons lunch they were gone, I knew what had happened to them but I asked just in case my husband moved them and I was missing them, “did you eat the taquitos for Jack’s lunch?” He replied, “I ate one”. Okay, not a big deal, there were two, they were large, I only planned on putting one in Jack’s lunch anyway. “Where is the other one?” Groaning and eye-rolling as my husband gets up from the couch and makes a big show of searching through the refrigerator; it isn’t there. “Did you eat both of them?” I ask, and now I am annoyed because I have to come up with an alternative and it is already midnight and I am exhausted. “No.” “It didn’t just get up and walk away, did you throw it out?” Angry stare. “Why do you always do this?” He asks. “What?” “Accuse me of things? Can you ever just have a conversation with constantly accusing me of things?” Now I am furious because I am so sick of playing out this bullshit with him that I throw out, “fine, aliens came in the middle of the night and stole Jack’s lunch!” I finish making my sons lunch and go to bed pissed, my husband goes back to the couch to watch more television and falls asleep there. I write this all out because this is the little stuff, the daily bullshit that makes me not trust him, not feel safe with him, not want to be married to him anymore, after fourteen years and four kids I am ready to call a lawyer over a taquitos fight, because he has so little regard for myself or our son that he ate both taquitos and lied about it, and then had the nerve to get pissed at me and act like I am the problem in this particular scenario, and if he will lie to me and act like an ass over something so silly what won’t he lie to me about? This is everyday. Can you load the dishwasher is met with annoyance and eye-rolls, and when half (most) of the time he doesn’t actually do it I wake up to a messy kitchen and start my day wanting to kick in his eye-rolling face. Not because he forgot once or fell asleep on the couch once but because he ‘forgets’ four or five or six nights a week, because he falls asleep watching television more than he falls asleep with me, because when I ask what he is watching he says “something stupid”, something stupid that was more interesting than me, more important than me, if something stupid is worth more of your time and attention than I am what must he think of me? Less than something stupid, and that is how I feel, everyday, less than, worthless, ignored, unloved, everything described in this blog. I am going to show this to my husband tonight but I am 98% sure that he won’t read it, I am 98% sure he will see the title and get angry and storm out or shut down and use this as evidence that I am belittling him, but here is a piece of advice from a nearly done wife, if you don’t want your wife to tell you that you are an asshole then don’t be an asshole. If you don’t want your wife to remind you to take out the trash ten times (supposedly nagging) then do it the first time she asks, or better yet, do it without her having to ask at all. I promise that when I got married the idea of reminding my husband to take out the trash or load the dishwasher or help with the kids or get his own mother a birthday present (today’s annoyance) did not fill me with excitement, I take no pleasure in any of that, it makes me feel like I have five kids, it makes me feel like the help, it makes me feel shitty.

    Just so there is no confusion or wondering if he actually didn’t eat the taquitos, my oldest daughter doesn’t eat much meat and balked at the meal in the first place, I didn’t eat them, and the youngest two are 4 and 7 months so they aren’t pulling out leftovers and heating them up. And instead of behaving like a childish dick my husband could have just said “yeah, sorry, I’ll help you make him a sandwich.” No bullshit, no fighting, no looking up my husband is an asshole online.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way right now, Bree, but this such a phenomenal example of the message I try to share, and really believe is what marriage looks like.

      Freaking taquitos.

      I wrote a post called “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink” and a lot of people read it. “She Divorced Me Because I Ate the Taquitos in the Fridge” has an equally authentic ring to it.

      I have no idea why so many people don’t understand. I have no idea why I didn’t understand.

      But we have to fix this.

      You have a family of six. And when taquitos are causing legitimate pain, people need to step the phuck up and do something about it.

      I fear he will continue to be defensive about it. “It’s just taquitos! Stop making such a big deal out of everything.”

      I think 7 or 8 out of 10 guys go into Defense and Deny Mode whenever they’re called out for something they deem unimportant.

      They provide money, protection, love, etc. “So don’t give me shit about taquitos, you ingrate!”

      It’s hard to convince someone who DOES NOT believe something is bad, that the thing is actually bad. It’s a long sell. For me, my wife actually had to divorce me and move out for me to get it.

      Again, I don’t mean to make light of your personal life, because it’s actually quite serious. But this is a great comment, and I really appreciate you sharing it.


      • Bree says:

        Thank you for responding to my comment Matt, and thank you for understanding. This may seem over the top but I am near tears of relief that someone gets what I am saying, I just wish my husband would. It is hard to not feel like a crazy person when I am so worked up over a lunch, but he doesn’t seem to understand the underlying issue of simply being honest, of having enough respect for me to just tell the truth or not eat the lunch in the first place. Like I said in my original comment, if he will lie to me about this, what won’t he lie about? He also doesn’t understand the domino effect of his careless actions, the next morning our son was really excited to get his lunch, again, that may seem silly but he is 9 and PB&J gets old quick, but I had to disappoint him, and what could I say? Your dad is a dick and ate your lunch? Of course I can’t say that, and I don’t want to say that, but it’s the truth. So I’m pissed, our son is disappointed, and then I have to make up some crap about accidentally throwing his lunch away, and for what? I have read your entire blog and it is so gratifying to see someone actually understand that it is the little things, support in the daily grind, it is the partnership that matters. A ring is beautiful, a honeymoon is fun, but years later those things don’t sustain a marriage; support, kindness, thoughtfulness, and honesty sustain a marriage. I truly hope that your blog is helping husbands and wives struggling with the same problems; it definitely helped this wife. I did tell my husband about your blog and I will admit that I was wrong about his reaction, he did not get upset or storm out, he didn’t say anything. I have no idea if he is reading it, I hope he does. Seriously, thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Matt says:

          I remember how hard it was when the marriage and even just being home was awful.

          I remember the horror show for the next year or so after we officially split.

          There are still moments of awfulness attached to something that happened now, four and a half years ago.

          If people WANT to divorce, fine. Great.

          But for all of the people who don’t? They must, must, must learn how to identify the moments that actually end our relationships.

          It’s not the big things, and that seems hard for many to understand. It’s the taquito moments that end us.

          As they were happening, we just didn’t know it yet.

          Wishing you and your family well. I have a nine-year-old son, too. He’s the reason I live and breathe and I know exactly what you mean about the funny things that excite them.

          My best to all of you.


    • Bryan says:

      This one I agree with. Assuming it goes down like you say, the guy is a straight asshole. I know you have 4 kids but this shit is why divorce court exists. Get a divorce, find another guy and make sure he has no reason to complain in the sack and u WILL find that partner that you long for.


      • Mike Smith says:

        It’s never like that though. He definitely sounds pretty shitty but there are always two sides to every story. I’d wager anything that her husband go to a similar site about wives and describe her through his eyes and people would talk about how terrible she is. By the words that she’s used “kick his face in” , “dad’s a dick”, it’s evident that she probably has a very sharp tongue and her husband fears that and instead of confronting it takes the cowardly way out by lying to avoid her wrath. When a man isn’t honest about little things it’s because he fears your reaction and the conflict that will ensue. This is not your problem to fix, although the sharp tongue definitely is if you do indeed have one, but he’s doing this not because he’s trying to deceive but because he’s a coward.


  37. Laura Sukey says:

    Dear Matt, I applaud and commend you for your honesty and taking responsibility for your relationship. However my parents taught us kids when we were little that getting married is one thing staying married is a decision and a commitment. Not everyone is perfect all the time. I’m sorry she had gotten to the point where she was unforgiving.


  38. Pamela Moldan says:

    I told my own shitty husband I no longer care to remain married to him. Then sent him your blog. He responded by text that he read the first one but that’s all for today.

    Howard, read this: you are a shitty husband and a flaming asshole.


  39. Mike Smith says:

    Matt did it ever occur to you that your wife demonstrated a complete lack of concern for you or your wants in that situation. The tournament comes on once a year and you can go outside any time. I’m sorry but a good wife who respects and appreciates her husband would let him have that time. You push this stuff and you give women the impression that they don’t have to do anything and that it’s the man’s responsibility to completely sacrifice his wants and needs for her happiness

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt says:

      Hey Mike. I agree with everything you said here, and hope you’ll trust that five years later, I’d have written a different story.

      In the context of me being upset at the time that my marriage had just ended against my will, I regretted moments like this one described here.

      In isolation, this story is easy to interpret as you did, and I get it.

      In the context of me thinking about my marriage and divorce as a whole (and its timing), I think it makes infinitely more sense.

      But, to your points about marriage in general, I agree that it’s incumbent on both spouses to consider the wants and needs of the other and behave accordingly.

      Thanks for being cool in your response. Most people who write what you did here are huge dicks about it, and I appreciate that you weren’t.


      • Mike Smith says:

        No problem man. I struggle with my own marriage issues and to I’ve been guilty of being a shitty husband at times and it’s caused major problems. That said, my wife has not been the best wife should could be either and most women in rocky relationships aren’t. Men can be plain awful sometimes but I’ve never met somebody who you could I would say is the perfect husband.The majority of married men share a lot of similarities with you which is probably one of the reasons for all of the vitriol. At the end of the day don’t beat yourself up about this anymore if that’s what your doing. I know it’s tough and If I could only see my kids half the year I would pretty devastated. I really hope you found some peace and keep doing what your doing despite the crazies. Even if people don’t agree or understand some of it every married man can learn something from your experience. Thanks for opening yourself to all of us.


  40. MJ says:

    The fact that she even married someone like you in the first place is 100% her stupidity.


  41. adultingatoz says:

    This is awesome! I hope that since you wrote it, many men have read it!

    Liked by 1 person

  42. Heather says:

    I just stumbled upon this while searching for “when fantasy football is more important than you” haha! You put into words exactly how I’ve felt, even better than I could explain it! Especially the parts about leaving the hospital to get a good nights rest and going to a party and drinking and laughing with his friends and ignoring me. It’s like you have been a fly on our walls!! I just wish he would get it, and by no means am I perfect or don’t have things to work on either. Wish we weren’t just going through the motions or have to hear, well that just how guys are! :(


Join the Conversation!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: