The Girlfriend Litmus Test

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Bask in the averageness. Bask in it.

I drive a 2005 Pontiac Grand Prix.

Waiting for the punch line? That’s the punch line.

I drive the most-average car in America. It’s like eating a Louis Rich cold-cut turkey sandwich for lunch. With no condiments.

It’s like eating bran flakes. Or drinking tap water. Room-temperature tap water.

Driving an eight-year-old Pontiac Grand Prix is, on a scale of 1-10, a 5.

So, here’s the deal: I’m 34. I’m single. I need to attract a mate.

And I’m constantly embarrassed at the idea of meeting someone out or picking them up in my Pontiac. In fact, as I type, I’m planning to meet someone out for drinks tomorrow.

What will she think of my car?

I have a thing for Grand Cherokees and Jeep Wrangler Unlimiteds. And I dig on the Cadillac CTS as well. Those are the vehicles on my very short list.

I’m often heard these days using the line: “I could DEFINITELY get a girlfriend with one of those,” referring to some amazing car I happen upon.

I could totally get a girl in a fly Caddy.

Then it hit me: Do I really want the kind of girl in my life that’s going to evaluate my worth based on my car?

Of course I don’t.

So, now the Pontiac has purpose. It’s more than just a car to get me from Point A to Point B at a totally average pace.

It’s the Girlfriend Litmus Test.

If I roll up in my Pontiac, and she’s still like: “Ohhhh Matt, you’re the best ever,” then I know I have a keeper.

Right?

RIGHT!?!?!?

It’s foolproof.

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19 thoughts on “The Girlfriend Litmus Test

  1. […] had never been so happy to escape into the familiar confines of the Girlfriend Litmus Test. Before starting the car, I texted my neighbor Ryan to tell him what a shit festival of a date […]

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  2. […] I imagine them checking out my profile and thinking: Ewww. He’s only 5’9″ with an “average” body style AND his wife left him. I bet he’s a total loser who drivers a Pontiac Grand Prix. […]

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  3. […] are 11 cars parked in here. I can’t afford any of them. I can see the Girlfriend Litmus Test parked off in the distance out in one of the […]

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  4. […] Girlfriend Litmus Test or not, that thing may have to go. It makes me sad. […]

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  5. […] isn’t a fully restored and resto-modded 1961 Chevy Impala like I want to drive. So I talk about how shitty my Pontiac Grand Prix is, even though there’s plenty of shittier cars on the […]

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  6. […] don’t have the Girlfriend Litmus Test anymore. I am now in total jeopardy of attracting a woman who only wants me for my money—and by […]

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  7. trippyb says:

    Forgive my multiple comments today, I’m totally wrapped up in your story.
    I, too, drive a 2005 Pontiac, though a different model that I dearly love and hope it runs forever… but cars don’t really register on my radar, unless it’s a traffic sign yellow one, I can’t date a guy who drives one of those, they’re all dicks…

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  8. […] make me feel worse. It made my good job seem pathetic. It made my nice home seem shitty. It made my perfectly acceptable Grand Prix seem like a ghettomobile, and my new Jeep almost like a desperate attempt to […]

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  9. […] 4. Both of us drove black 2005 Pontiac Grand Prixs. […]

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  10. […] got rid of a 2005 Pontiac Grand Prix I had affectionately dubbed The Girlfriend Litmus Test (and never tested!) in favor of a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee in July. I did that in large part […]

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  11. nights7 says:

    I know you don’t have this car anymore (since I’m backreading your blog in a totally random order) but at least you don’t (didn’t) drive a minivan.
    Try showing up for a date in one of those. Nothing screams Soccer Mom (an image I try hard not to project) like an eight year old minivan. I’m seriously considering getting another car to drive for when I do start dating. Of course that would require money….which I have none of.

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  12. […] left—on the same day. He drives a Jeep he can sort-of afford, as do I. He upgraded to it from a sweet-as-hell 2005 Pontiac Grand Prix. I know how sweet-as-hell it is because I drove the same car—same year, same color. […]

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  13. myfsu8199 says:

    LMAO…Ok, so like nights7 said, I too know you don’t have this car anymore because I have been following you for a few months and today I have decided to start from the beginning of your blog and read them all now…this will take some time as you have been blogging for 9 months :) but I will enjoy ever one of them…lol Personally, I could care less if a man showed up on a bicycle to “take” me out on a date,obviously I’m not 6 and can’t sit on the handle bars and we would end up taking my car. Material things don’t make up who you are and the person they are dating or potentially falling in love with. And shoot, as far as mini vans go, I was dating a guy who drives one (his wife passed away which is why he was single), those things are freakin nice! LOL anyways…material things shouldn’t make somebody like or dislike you is the point!

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  14. So, totally late for the bus but your blog post reminded me of the movie “Swingers.” and the party in “the hills” with all the women judging the guys. If you have not seen it is a must!

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  15. Joachim says:

    Is it still common in the US to pick up a girl/lady at home for a date?
    Here in Germany, the rule for online dating is not to tell the adress to a stranger.

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